What is it being child-like:

Being secure in knowing who your Father is, in recognizing and resting in that security, that Daddy is always there, watching over you, there to comfort you and to catch you when you fall.

Your play area will be dependent on the amount you trust and feel secure in the presence of your Daddy. How far you'll go out or step out into your destiny, from your secret place, will be dependent on the times spent with the Father, in knowing who the Father is.

Perhaps this is the reason why Jesus spent so much time alone with the Father - He knew who His Father was and in that relationship, He was able to rest in that presence and peace that no matter what circumstances He faced, He knew who His Father was. He believe and trusted that the Father had the best plans for Him and when things were seemingly out of control for Him, He knew His Father was in control.

"Insecurity is wrong security exposed" - Bill Johnson

I guess when we fear, it brings about where our faith lacks and puts into perspective what we see a situation as a likely impossible or hopeless situation which often steals us of our faith, hope, peace and joy. As usual, faithless often robs, steals, kills and destroy.

It has been humbling drawing my lessons learnt from a little girl who was playing with her daddy and I realized what child like and innocence meant. Then it dawned unto me how much God loves to communicate with us through various mediums and the little girl was one of them. God definitely made His presence felt in Telunas though His creations of the birds, the skies, clouds, water and winds. Winds that blew that is almost unmistakable, just like how it is when I worship in my lavender room from time to time.

The greatest joy was being able to share my innermost worship with God to a congregation who hungers an yearns for Him, is a truly wonderful experience and the living out of "all creation bow down and worship Him", it's being the very reason why we are living and what we are living for - worshipping Him. Times when you can just go on forever, but only stopping due to time or our physical limitations of that it is time to sleep.

More of You and less of me, please:)

I just received the news, the text. Wasn't at all surprising but I find myself asking, not why, but what am I going to do about it. I don't think I can do anything that would change the outcome since it isn't a question about me at all but about her.

I could offer my prayers, lend a listening ear, talk to you, be with you but that is pretty much it. I find myself questioning the scaredness of marriage. I know it is sacred, but to see it living it out in real life is an entirely different matter. Of course, everyone would love that it lasts forever but in my case, I see many of it falling apart, torn, broken, in shambles or in a state where married is just a term because the process of getting a divorce takes too much effort, procedures and costs, we stick to the status quo of "married".

I don't know or have all the answers as to why things/tradegies or things that we hope for, doesn't turn out the way we would like it to be but once again, it draws me to a point that everything, falls under the notion of change. Everything can change and my only saving grace comes from the fact that You never change and never fail.

I can only hold on to the one constant hope, that keeps me going, where all else is sinking sand and watch towers and fixtures, one after another, through the passage of time, wear and tear and eventually sink into a world of oblivion, like it never existed before.

I stand in this moment where I see history repeating one after another, three times in all within my family, when it comes to the word and topic of marriage, it somehow doesn't end up quite the rosy picture we all would love to hope for. I stand in this place to decide, if I should treat this entire marriage thing as a sham, another process that never works out fine that just appears to be a process of wooing you deeper and then setting you up for that "fatal blow" of failure.

I could choose to do that to logicalise the happenings that I see happening around me and deem that as a natural happening, since it is on a rise around the world, my situation merely becomes another number, a statistic to prove a fact.

I could do a million of things to self sabotage myself but then again, I've got nothing to lose and hope helps me push on to keep moving on to see what's in front of me, in time to come. To also mean that hope is all I have left and the only thing I have in me to keep me going, that helps keeps me sane and faithful.

It is my life's call, dream and purpose that all I would love to be known for, is to be a faithful lover of His, since the famous line that goes and we all would love to hear at the end of the race is to be rewarded with "good and faithful servant". Of course, more could be added to the line, but in simplified terms, it is just to be known as faithful.

Faithful because You've always been and not because I have, but because of You being who You are. I still love and trust, but my heart cries out to the many of the fatherless that is so prevalent and ponder upon the existence of Fathers and where have they all gone.

Sure there are the lovely fathers that I know and see and continue to be that awesome daddy that your dear children calls you :) You're doing an awesome job and for those who have fallen, there still is a chance and all is not lost. There are second chances and "second lives" if that is to say to be that awesome daddy, sure we all do make mistakes but do something about it, sincerity moves and speaks a thousand words as long as it is from the heart.

Let's walk through this again and Your presence will be greatly appreciated and loved :)

Rise and rise again till lambs become lions.

Loving You.

It is a funny feeling with my last week @ Temasek Polytechnic this time round as a staff. Though I wasn't dealing with the students but with the older generation of men, who are keen in joining the security industry, it has been an experience :)

It is a time of mixed feelings that as I spent 14 months with the company, just imagining that 14 months ago, I was job hunting ans just wondering what I should be doing with my life and now it is time to say goodbye again.

Can't say I haven't learnt anything at all when working with Edwin has by far been one of the most exciting days at work. Meticulous, a keen eye for details guy who really has taught me to be more detailed in my work and not to be too careless/suay bian in my work.

Having the chance to see how hard the people from the lower income groups work so hard to provide a living themselves or people, that though they have reached past their retirement age, they still have to work to support themselves as for those who are less fortunate, that they say their kids are not reliable and to be safe to ensure they have a decent life. For the more fortunate, they are working simply to keep themselves nimble, being both mentally and physically active.

It puts a lot of things into perspective as you come into contact with people from all sorts of background, you take a look at ourselves, how prevalent the self seeking mentality and attitude we possess the at times, is quite irksome. We can't seem to get enough or be contented with what we have and often a times, chasing after the next technology gadget, latest fashion and trends, the next holiday, the next activity to pick up, another lesson, another hobby or another television drama to watch.

Self gratification and the need to feel good becomes a new language that everyone speaks and everything else becomes secondary. I think about the future of these younger generation who are grown and immersed in this culture that seems so natural and the only rightful and cool thing to do, I wonder what is going to happen to the older generation of our parents and grandparents and how will they be living in years to come =/

Life was much simpler back then. Jayson was saying how hard it is to chase the simpler pleasures of life and attaining things that seem much simpler.

So let's strip off everything we have, the status, glamour, riches, I wonder who we are and what do we become. Perhaps back to the basics where life was really all about surviving and meeting our most basic needs and perhaps the need of love.

The simple life seems so complicated now and almost impossible to attain for many, for many build their lives chasing after their next goals of wants, desires to needs.

Perhaps humans are actually very simple creatures but with time and to ease our boredom, how we've become so complicated as we come come with a never ending list of things to immerse or give our attention to.

What are we living for? :) Is a good thought today again. I'm just glad the exit interviewer today was a gracious man who least could understand my motives for leaving, in any cases, all is good.

I feel thankful to be alive, well and healthy and most importantly puke-less and spinned-head less. I'm thankful to be able to be alive and talking to the people who I love, just hearing their hi-s, i'm happy, glad and thankful enough.

Yesterday was a horrid food poisoning incident (my second with West Coast's Mac's Double Cheeseburger) that had me having a horrendous head spinning and puking feeling that left me very sick last night. I struggled to rest and was awoken thanks to my head and it was worse than the first time I had it, so bad I wanted to reach for a knife to wrist myself or knock my head against the wall cause of the bleeding and the adrenaline rush that will least bring that breath of relief. I don't know how many times I cried out for Jesus's name and I needed so badly a Father who could hold me down or least hold my hand and tell me it will all go away. Pain meter was the best at 8/10 i think last night (yes to pain threshold perhaps going up) lol, but I ended up calling the boyfriend, Darius who prayed and immediately after an amen, I reached for the bin to puke it but the head still spunned. I'm just glad to have awoken up today and is very much still alive and kicking.

I've never struggled so hard with pain before that I am even having the morbid thoughts of wristing myself/banging my head on the wall just to bleed so it can provide that momentary relief. Nothing was bringing me relief in my hour of struggle, I knew it would end at 430am but getting to pass by the time was another mad struggle. In the midst holding on to resist the urge on my bed while I went to grab the guitar in my delirious mode and tried to sing Jesus song, I couldn't even get the guitar to sound right and much less sing. Next alternative, grab the ipod, to get it on and place the speakers on and try to worship my way to bed.

I got tired gradually and cold, so i tugged in and drifted off to sleep. So happy to have awoken up feeling less spinn-ed head but I realised what I just went through in the early morning, I thought of you alot and yes, I do see how often after God stands at position one that I call out, the next person I'll always think of, is you. For the past 2 incidents, and how important you are to me and the amount of influence you have on me :) Any cases, praise God for the Boy who saved me by praying for me that helped alot. Thanks my knight :D It was good to hear his voice and when he prayed, the fervor lol and yes after he closed and said amen, i reached for the bin and puked it all out. So I was left to just deal with the crazy head.

It's all over and i'm still smiling at The Legends of The Guardian, thinking of Sorum and his little sister which are the cutest things that makes me smile and remind me daily, fight a good fight! Listening to my beloved Jacky Cheung, sings like a daddy :D heh heh. I'm like feeling all aww all over.

It is always easy to start off well (i am a pretty good starter) but terrible at keeping things going in between and towards the end, I'll make a mad end dash towards the finishing line cause all I will want to do is just finish it good or bad, finishing is all I ever want to do sometimes.

Serving the final four weeks here has been harder than I thought, especially last week, where I kept falling ill and the flu that knocked me out for 4 days. It's a hard fought flu to recover from, to recover in time that I'll make it for the retreat (which does make me think if it was a good choice). All I know the past week has been a week of grace that brought me through and through, to have enough to make it through.

Talking to the boy yesterday has made me realised one thing - Base your life on emotions/feelings and watch your world swing from a week of faithful to a week of faithless, because it is what you think what it is. It reminded me of Eugene Peterson's - Getting to know your identity isn't about getting to know yourself but in knowing what God thinks of you, that you are transformed only when you know what your maker thinks of you. That will be the reason why you are living, discovering your calling and the gifts He has entrusted you with.

It doesn't matter how long you've been a christian, how many mission trips you have been, how much you know the bible but it is about your relationship you have with God. TMT 09 shirt spells it out, It isn't a religion but it is a relationship with God. Simple as it may sound but it baffles a whole lot of people that again and again, we try to fix God up in a box, tell Him a list of endless to do lists/excuses and boundaries and asking Him to work within it because that is what we signed up for.

So we worship/sing/pray, oh Lord be the centre, take us deeper, we want to see your face and when the opportunity rises, for it is what we have prayed and God comes in and tries to take us deeper, we freak out and tells Him a list of a million reasons why it can't be me/not me/i can't do it/my past/my failures. Everytime He tries to break the boxes again, we find another fig leaves/box to try to box Him up once again and to do it within our comfort levels again.

Again and again, the cycle goes, I sit and watch and realise, how classic we humans are, that we try to think of a billion "new" ways in being creative and coming up with stories into reasoning out with God why it can't be me.

It is scary to realise how much we spend our lives going through this cycle again and again, 3/4 of our lives fighting this, to realise the truth that I write in a yellow stickon note that I paste on my monitor that I stare at it each and every single day to remind myself as I start my day of work -

"Sometimes, some things can only be discovered through passionate pursuit and desperation" - Bill Johnson

Sometimes, we pray that we just want to seek His face/His presence, circumstances shows the heart of it why we are seeking His face/presence. When we want it hard enough, when we want Him hard enough that if we really aren't going to experience Him today, we're going to feel like we're better off dead, then perhaps we haven't really found the reason worth living for.

Talking to the boy always makes me realise more truths that as I talk it out to him and I myself reflect and realise the best advice and note to self every single day I awake, "fix your eyes on Him". It is that important and the moment we lose sight of Him, we lose sight of the very hope we carry each and everyday in us and we will forget to live from His presence and it is when we will settle for everything else because we have forgotten who He was and what He has said over us and what He has destined for us.

A momentary lapse, an endless cycle of scurry, a fall, a pick up and how we'll have to learn how to once again, fix our eyes on Him again. The biggest encouragement each and everytime you fall and have to pick yourself up again, is how much stronger you come back after you fall and how it etches a memory at the back of your head, a lesson of the importance of running with Him and along side Him.

By the grace of God, here is another day, waking up was a terrible pain and hard thing to do this morning I felt like giving it all up. Screw it, screw work. He somehow doesn't give up on me whenever I do and that is all that is sufficient to take me through, not because I can, but because He will.

Listening to Hillsongs - Yahweh (Hillsongs Chapel) version cause I heard Joel playing it during the retreat and how he was saying I'll like it. It is true, i like intimate/stripped bare and simple worship.

Reminds me of the greatness and how big you actually are, and who I am, in you. Did I say how I love the word and the name Yahweh. The depths and widths the name holds.

I love you, beautiful one.

The build up till today has made me realise who and what are the things that wrenches my heart and drives something to stir from within that literally drives you to your knees and cry out to Him. I've never felt anything like that but so far, I know there isn't alot of people who are able to do that in me.

As I was walking towards the bus stop that was near Collyer Quay, with the chill wind blowing around, my emotions were surging on the inside. I don't think you ever know if you have the ability to make me feel the way I do. I struggle, cause at the end of the day, we do share something going on. The times spent, the stories shared and the thoughts and heart felt emotions, they were real.

Before it reaches to deeper depths to the relationship, it takes a beating and situations happen and things changes. Hoping things would return to where it were but I guess as much as the time invested and poured out into the relationship, to hoping what are the things that one could expect out of it right now, isn't going to reap any outputs out.

Everything starts from ground zero again and everyone's on the floor now, picking each other up. Times have passed, situations have taken place, perhaps some parts of understanding we have of each other will be required to either be updated, realised and understood so we're able to pick each other and carry each other and run off again.

Perhaps if it was never to just be the way it was before, the relationship was not as deep as it is supposed to be.

It is the question if we are ever going to let each other in to each other's lives again and how deep is it going to be. It is never going to be very easy cause the next time round if we do make a chance and an invitation, you have known what the brunt and pain and the amount of hurt it is capable of will remind you of what a close relationship is suppose to mean.

This is the defining moment, we can all take time off for each other to heal but at the end of the day, the question still comes of where do we go from here after you do feel better and how far do you want to go from here.

No one can do this alone and we all are struggling. Being humans, who doesn't doubt when one experience pain and where pain is prevalent, sometimes you would love to make the easiest decision of just sitting by and watch, choose to be a bystander cause there isn't anything you can do to change anything, we stick to status quo where it is safe and comfortable and no further damage is inflicted onto each other.

You wonder are you the chosen one really, who's given the ability to speak into each other's life - can the relationship take it? If it isn't able to take it, it often leads to shattered pieces, disappointment, anger, resentment, broken hearts, hurt and someone has to come in and pick up the pieces. So is it the reason why groups needs overseers? haha.


-You are only able to love to the same extent you feel pain -Kris Vallotton

I remember we said we were suppose to walk each other through, how we got excited sharing about what we saw each other, and that very thing that drew us together would be the very thing that we argued about.

"How can that person say who he/she is when they are acting that way they are now".

No one can understand if we're gonna look into things in the physical eyes and make our very own theologies and assumptions cause our beloved limited mind cannot comprehend the magnitude of the promises that we have and kept in our hearts about the person.

Perhaps this is a transformation of our minds of each other, only then may we really learn to love and grow in maturity the way we should.

The only very thing that is going to work now is to focus once again on the things that brought us back together initially and start sharing what He is doing in our lives to rekindle again the love we have for Him and in each other's lives that we valued so much. There isn't any fast antidote but I believe the power of coming together, declaring, proclaiming and worshipping together as we always did would have done it. Mere dinners just have something missing.

It is when we stop talking about Him that we start filling our voids of other subjects cause being humans, we are relational.

It is when we know there is nothing we can do but everything a God can do. May we one day meet again and share the same passion and love for Him and one another again, to realise we do share the same goals and perceptions have never changed and live out the very promise that we said to each other and to share the greatest joy of walking and journeying each other on our exciting destinies.

I still remember who you are, and you are really going to be amazing, each and every one of you, cause you were born to rock.

I value your comments and cause of what you said, I didn't watch the movie, cause heh. i do believe what you say and shared.

When we prayed for her, it immediately brought back fond memories of TMT09 and I smiled cause it was the very thing that brought us together and what we shared.

Hillsongs - This is Our God album reminds me alot about you. Its the album we talked alot about. The Stand/You'll Come were like our theme songs. Nothing but the blood is always significant.

You live the reality that you believe, so which do you want to live in? We.

Life has gotten alittle bit tougher in the mornings when I wake and before I sleep. Feels from time to time that I have been slammed by a flat, foldable chair on my back, that make you want to cry out in the morning or perhaps think twice before you start your day or perhaps think about what are you living another day for. Still surviving but the bus trip home made me really feel like I was going to collapse. A supposedly short ride home seemed to have taken a longer time or was it just me that I manage to plug into my iPod and rest for abit, and make my walk home. Decided to have some porridge for dinner though I thought heading straight for bed and sleep till tomorrow morning seems to be a nice idea.

I guess now that I'm done with dinner, downloading a couple of ads to read on what is going on with the world, unwind to some soaking music, I should be tucking in soon before waking up early tomorrow morning and do what I need to do. Weekends pass really fast and I thank God I neednt need to work this weekend as to what was planned. Good to spend good time with my love ones. Ones that always makes me want to hang out longer with them and never say goodbye, wished the day doesnt need to end.

Guess I'll turn in now and somehow I'm thinking of mr when dreams becomes reality, what else can you be living for. Hope you're ok man.

:( I'm soo sad today. soo soo sad, I think it's time to say goodbye to Tiffany. Sigh, I can't imagine how I just misplaced it just like that, all to do some dish washing and I can't exactly remember if I placed it into my pocket or above the microwave area.

No news from either side, it's been 3 days. Perhaps you're gone, perhaps this is some kind of closure for me, I realise I hold my bracelet/necklace very dear to me. If ever you do come back, I'll promise I'll keep you in my bag the next time round sigh. God, I want my bracelet back! :(

Everytime I look at the time passing and it has past September already, I've past my one year at SII, survived a year of work life and passed it. Things that were deemed impossible, where it was so hard to walk through the first 6 months of it, I'm glad I got through it, every single day, pulling myself out of bed to work and trying to give it my all and understanding it all, where I was where I was and what He was trying to teach me.

The entire year of experience has been - being faithful with whatever you have and no matter of how much how little/small you think it is, watch how He works and multiplies on because of what you have and what you will to Him and how He grows purely because of your act of obedience and faith.

He honestly hasn't failed me at all, not for the entire year but He hasn't failed me at all for my 23 years of my life and how many times just due to some difficult circumstance, we suffer a momentary memory lapse and forget His goodness, promises and faithfulness.

I sit and ponder what on earth burns inside of me or wonder what is it gonna be like in the next couple of years. It's honestly all sketchy but I know it will be fun and very exciting (of course expect some knee jerks and hard circumstance) but journeying with Him doesn't make it at all too daunting.

Perhaps all I need is more faith and perhaps all I have to do is to trust Him even more and take the first step and dive in deep and watch what happens. It is very exciting times we're living in. I should draw more faith and yes, it is still in me and I still cry everytime I hear/watch of people coming into His presence and being in His presence, that majestic presence that makes you fall at your feet and that soft touch that you yearn for that when He comes and touches you, you become a pile of jello-mess.

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky

I've one more worship list to come out with, and so what is gonna be on this list.. Hmm. Time to grab some food, I'm hungry again!

So many things has happened these weeks, but I realised one lesson before leaving for Malaysia, was the importance of each person who call themselves the sons and daughters of the most high. I started to see even more of each person, why we were placed into relationships with each other.

Honestly, I've never been on a stage of relationship (apart from a lover) whereby I had one, this deep, intimate and close that yes, just by looking at their faces, I can tell what they are thinking and by the time we give an answer to our replies, they all coincide, same timing, same thoughts, same phrase, all at the same time. Yes, that is the impact of this special bond this bunch of people have and I treasure them with my life, perhaps due to the circumstances that we have journeyed through and is still journeying, but above all, the likeness of mind of how much more we just desire to seek His face, it is like a group of people who all they ever want, was to dwell in His courts forever.

These past few weeks that time has past, was all a reminder of the importance of what Love is. Love that is often misunderstood, desired or seek after, but few manage to find what the real meaning of it means. How humans were created with the innate desire to be loved and to love.

"And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. (3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV.

This bunch of people have taught me or have shown what is it like to love and in their very own ways, to love the Lord and be faithful with what the Lord has given them with. I appreciate and thank God for each one of them for they have taught me things that they believed and lived out in their daily lives, as we journey through our daily lives with one another.

Eunice - For your wisdom of your word and insights, it's amazing and refreshing
Alvin - For bringing heaven down onto earth each time you worship/call/pray, you are God's beloved son
En Min - For living a life of loving Jesus, of teaching me what the bride is and how one can fall head over heels and be intimate with Him
Cass - For seeing and sharing alot of things that the mere mind cannot see and understand, but the eyes of the heart can
Mark - For your prophetic words

I'm all still learning through each one of you but with each other, we have built each other up and helped one another gain another perspective in our walk of Him that we would otherwise take a much longer time to fulfill in this journey alone, all to help us grow deeper in our walks with Him, that the more you realise, the more you have to go and it only shows the glory and the infiniteness of Him.

As we each become the light of Him in each of your very own ways, may we never forget the seemingly least in our midst for the first shall be last, and the last shall be first, how each and everyone is important and there's a reason for each and everyone of you. May we continue to grow in love, for it is the greatest commandment, which is to love.

I was supposed to have spent time to write on my reflections which is the typical upon returning from trips but I never ever got down to writing it so I might as well type it out as I zone out in front of my desk for the moment.

What did I bring back - being asked by the person who drove on sunday (*hints + winks), who was finding out deeper into many areas of my life, to which I replied, to be reminded of the simple joys of life as I hung out with the kids and to pursue and dream the dreams they had. Plus the great relationships built with Rumeeshi and her entire cool parents :) The cute kids and people met has all been great!

But I think what the Sri Lankans really taught me was the reverence they had for the Lord. No one told them what to do but the atttitude they had in their hearts as they approached the communion table was one who had deep respect, love and gratitude they had but at the same time, approaching it with such humility.

Every person from a different nation carries this very heart that you can see that is evident in the locals, because of the environment and the usual circumstance/struggles that one will typically go through (yes, though none is exactly the same). So yeah, I think their heart to really serve was really moving :) Through little notions and yes, being Asians as always, warm and are lovely hosts.

I missed Taylor, yeap, never crave so hard for a guitar cause there wasn't any that we brought over but I did manage to touch one for a bit for a while, to just sing and play and worship for abit :D So yes, I know I'll never be left for a week without a guitar by my side. So that will make a list of the bible, ipod and now Taylor :D Yes, my prized possessions.

So it is still getting used back to chinese/singaporean food again. Been eating rice and curry too often now and still shaken from eating terrible catered food for Saturday's lunch, it is still fresh in my memory. Yes, I thank God for food but i'm still searching for my yummy meal. ahaha! So my mind will understand that food is yummy.

So what to do when you just can't think of anything to eat, I'm eating junk of Ramly and some fried champedak. Very, very unhealthy. hur hur. I want to roll on my bed like now. That's where joy is now :D

Pain is a very interesting matter. It either drives you towards a goal or drives you completely away from what you initially started out on or intended to.

Pain is like an indicator, it let's you know that there is something amiss, something's not right, you're not doing something right, something's wrong.

Once pain is felt, the discomfort it tells you, will either tell you to stop whatever you're doing and rest and when it heals, carry on with life and forget how the incident totally happened.

It could also push you on towards whatever you were working towards to so as to make your goal worth the efforts you've been spending on it.

It could also be your friend and company that you choose to befriend with, cause you got used to pain, you forgot what it was like without it and make you think that being in pain is natural and the normal.

So what is the natural? To be in pain or be pain free or continue fighting on and pressing on towards the goal despite pain, cause He will use the pain for good, if you trust Dr Jesus.

Its real hard and painful seeing someone you love be in pain and tell me say its normal, I'm fine and I don't need anyone. I wish I needn't care as if it isn't any of my business but it obviously fails, cause I was made the way I am. I cannot not care and it isn't a choice. Wake up your idea and start believing, what else can you be waking up for daily and not realise what's there more to be living without hope. Hope, love, peace, joy. Lose hope, lose all, kill joy. Is that natural? Cause everyone is in pain that's normal?

Tell me He isn't real, I'll beg to differ. I just happen to take a glance to the right of my screen to see what's the verse of the day, don't really do it daily, but as and whenever I blog, I took a glance. I love it when He reveals, a word is all I need. I was in a horrendous state this morning and I got a mail from Paris which is love really, thank you my dear Chass. I was relunctant to head to work, screw it, screw life, screw everything, I wanted my bed.

Didn't happen, I know that isn't it, but it felt real, or least the emotions felt like it gave me a warrant to do what I wanted. Screw it, headed off to the shower. Still felt dead, how am I going to get through the day. Dead.

Came out from the shower guess who greeted me, Lassie appeared magically in front of me. I didn't bring her up last night but she sat there, with her puppy face, smiling away, wagging her tail to greet you, Good Morning. Yes, of course I said good morning to her and ruffled her all over, and asked her "you figured eh?".

Ok I was feeling all sorts, the real struggle I figured wasn't about leaving anot, but the hardest struggle was to let my secret love/desire go. It was like I was supposed to let it go, so as to fit him. But I don't mind not going and I don't blame him, not angry at him, but I'll still keep my love, deep inside, whether or not ultimately I'll go, now or never, I'll still love it and I'll keep it.

So I plugged Misty into my ears and let it go, nothing happened, it was just music. Somewhere, somehow, the word "will" came out.

1st Verse: "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven".

I know there's a significance in the word will and it is often emphasised, ready to do your will, your will be done. Tons of lines and I figured, that there are no impossibilities, the only possibility was your will, that will will the impossible to happen.

I realised how important that key is, the key to alot of things is your will. Legacies are left behind by a will, heaven's will be done, if you will, will yourself to take faith and stand in that position and draw what you see with the eyes of your faith, that faith gives birth to a whole new realm of impossibilities because it is what you thought was not possible. Impossibilities are merely what the logical mind cannot conceive based on circumstances.

Willing allows the environment for obedience to take place and the notion of surrender comes almost naturally, that leaves everything what a man cannot do naturally but what He can do naturally and I guess, it is the exponential for the boundless impossibilities to happen.

I'm willing for anything to happen and it doesn't matter whether or not I leave, but not leaving doesn't change the fact of what's in me, for what I love and my ultimate love. I know for there's a will, there's always a way. A way I don't know exactly how it is, I know it will be.

Don't look at what I do, cause at times, they don't make sense or they wouldn't make much sense. Look into my heart and there it is. Nothing's changed. First love you shall always be and no matter what circumstances is, I still love You.

There is more to life than a stability of a job, home, family, friends, safety, love or money. The seeming stability won't work for me, and I'm seeking where would that more be, that would be able to work for me and satisfy.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me". - Pslams 51:12

I realised today that it is really easy to get disheartened, lose faith and just mull and sob and believe that there is nothing you can do.

It is easy to give up and lose all hope and faith, but the irony is that, faith is all you've got. What's there left if you lose faith? You stop hoping, you stop believing in people, you stop looking onto what He can do and you start looking at things based on your eyes and what you see. Next thing you know, you see nothing to believe in and start getting all cynical about everything cause you do not believe in hope or in faith anymore, you shut youself in, you think the worst of anything and every subject.

The downwards spiral, all cause you've lost faith. Nothing else I could do but pray, hope, wish and keep believing like I always do, cause I can't but He can. I thought getting by the papers was gonna make me rejoice and be glad. Now I've one more on hand. Discouraging, sad but I'll still choose what I always do, I choose to believe and have faith, its all I've got and its all I know. You know what's best and have plans to prosper and not to harm us.

Sometimes, it makes me wonder what size of a matter will really cause me to really stumble and fall, cause sometimes, it feels much easier to get swayed by your emotions and just quit believing. But if one doesn't press on, you're just gonna be a drifter, drifting along with life. I guess I rather fight till I die, till the very end, cause that's just You right? Fight the good fight, throw off everything that stumbles and run the race marked out for us. Give me strength once again to rise.

Finally, its done and paper submission brings back alot of memories. The longest writing on my own I've ever done, ahaha welcome. (Yes, we never needed to ever write that long a report individually) so this is welcome to earth, Joyce. Can totally catch a glimpse now of what's it like writing a book now and it is really not entirely an impossible feat to do, provided I do have a topic I feel strongly about. :D

Anyways, just glad to have one report done and its down to one more and I hope this one will be a good one, reading up more on Missiology. Taking 2 modules isn't a joke ahaha and what was I thinking? Makes me wanna laugh at myself from time to time but then again, what's done is done. Sober up, sometimes I wished I had more hours to my days so I could do more stuffies, like reading and sleeping more.

A Moment to Remember with Jung Woo Sung and Son Ye Jin is a good relive of old school memories and its funny how me and Ben Chan still cried despite watching it umpteen times, was a good time taking my mind off the typicals, watching it with En Min + Guan Yu.

And can I have time to finish The Mentalist S2 and House for the remaining S6 I've yet to watch and in there, sits my many movies too. Eeks, I'm lagging, come to think of it, I can typically fit an episode of House into some portable device. Hmms.

It'll be more reading and research time this afternoon, for time off. Isn't God always good at how He plans stuff:)

Started another day today in the office, just with time spent thinking what i'm gonna be writing in the final portion of the report. Hopefully get to clear everything up by today. It has been some night yesterday, supposedly to have the prophetic painting but i guess its all too last minute, which ended up having lunch with Jason at Vivo and since he came all the way, we walked around just seeing what amuses us.

Its good somehow, cause it brought back memories of what I used to do :) Thank you:) I don't go shopping from malls to malls very often nowadays, but we just happened to head on to Vivo and Queensway to take a look at sneakers and bags, which he laughs at me how it seems i'm constantly looking at stuff to fit the boy. Yeah gaining ideas, but eh, haven't seen anything at all lah.

There'll be something I think I'll need to get serious on soon enough, but after I clear my one more written assignment, I'll give myself the allowance to really think what this is about. I know to the many things, I can only do so much but really, we'll just see how this is gonna go, and the many things only He can do and provide. So my gut feel on Thursday night was right :) Wasn't much of a surprise and really all that was expected since the answer of yes came and your willing, no one's to complain.

Cooked dinner for today, turned out not too bad, watched an episode of House and it made me feel for House again, mean on the outside, soft on the inside. He's a real sweetie pie. Its tempting to move on to more episodes but haiyo, let's just clear this and get this done. Good music please and music like Johnathan David Helser.

To know You, know Your will, and know Your heart, i hope the equation remains and not get changed with the passage of time and circumstance when there's this Plan B mentality, lets go. No more Plan B. Its do or none. It seems duper easy to device a back up plan to save yourself and go through another need of unnecessary run, to avoid and buy time, and lose the point of what He meant it to be. Tempting but pointless.

A week has passed, and since yesterday, particularly for the day of yesterday, I've decided to remain silent. Comments were passed and everytime there's a discussion of the table on why I am not eating meat, Mom will start ranting about how inconsiderate about not informing cause no one knows when I end fast or as to when I can take meat, so for the umpteen times, my sis will always say I'm on vegetarian fast. I'm sick of telling my part of the story or seek people's understanding anymore, anything you say, that it shall be final. Doesn't kill me but it's sad when all I can say, you've forgotten. It is not the first time and how she used to rejoice about the notion of fasting during the same time last year, perhaps, i'm too much of a sore that she's not on it? *chuckles*.

It's just how everyone in the house so desires to be heard, and the problem starts when everyone insists of making their point known. Happens a hell lot to the leaders of the house, both of them, fighting to make a point known, fighting to be heard. Funny thing is that there is so much air time, that when it is time for them to air their opinions, they decide to be quiet, and when you just want to have your peaceful time, everything gets dug out and how they start airing their dislikes on you when its late at night, when she finishes her clockwork of her television schedules.

It's sad, almost tragic but seeing an example of religions taking play than a life truly being transformed. She has decided not to go for missions anymore cause, cited reasons like "I don't like Egypt...", listening to the horror stories of trippers from her church sharing how many often end up having bad experiences or misfortunes happening to them when they return. It is anger when I hear cause at times you want to challenge, is our God that small? But prefers to take a quieter approach cause how often my head on, confrontational approach don't go very well.

So silence, is my preferred mode now, perhaps that's why I've grown quieter, how some people have said how I'm strangely quieter now. Ahaha. Yeah, its good to just be silent and watch, listen and pay attention more to the things going on and see things unfolding before your very eyes.

I must say what a strange day yesterday was for me, how I actually slept at 9pm. The tiredness just grew and multiplied as I got home and I remembered thinking how strange it is cause for the entire day, I was feeling fine that it totally didn't make any sense of it all. Then the dinner table incident, I decided to switch to the dining table and just have my meal and read the papers. The first question that came to my head, was really, what on earth is going on, yes on me and around the world. Oil spills in the US and China, floods around Asia, hot temperature in Japan, uber cold temperatures in South America that it is below minus and how many people are freezing out there in the streets.

By the end of the reading session, I knew I set myself to finish the portion of culture in my Buddhism paper I was to write, but honestly, all the energy I had left was sufficient to journal down my thoughts in the head and remembering how much I was questioning Him and how much I would love to know what He was thinking and then drifting off to sleep shortly. What was intended to be a nap went into a full 7 hour rest that I woke up at 4am, realising that I still had work undone but was still feeling sleepy, so I made the alarm clock to ring at 5.30am to complete the remaining 800 word count to the topic. All I knew I was feeling super duper tired and was feeling terribly sad and grieved I had no clue why.

That was all I remembered and waking up at 6am feeling much happier and back to myself and wondered what last night's entire episode was about. Managed to finish up what was good by 745am and prepapred for work all right to normal apart from a little rush. God is good and i'm still wondering what it was all about as I was connecting the dots to the pink skies scene I remembered journalling 2 entries before, about how I feel something bad's gonna happen before something's good gonna happen. I'm wondering what's the bad and good through it all, what's the intended effect. I drew that conclusion from what Alvin drew on his art, on pink clouds and a crown of thorns, it had to be the strangest color for clouds but we saw the exact same picture days later and remembering how I felt dreadful on first glance but peace later. Not long, I drew links to blood which often meant oh, CLEANSING and a sacrifice. The word cleansing just came. ahaha, cool.

Funny how I'm going, I'm gonna figure this one out even if it is gonna take me the entire day and how it just took place in seconds. Love it:) Love to sit down and jot my thoughts down.

Being at home, blogging off the mac for the first time should be a happy affair but I have to say how this entire new connection change from Starhub to Singtel is causing everyone abit of frustrations. Cause of the ridiculous router range and how big this house is, its just nearly impossible to suit the needs of everyone and honestly, it feels we're back to square one, when i went to Sim Lim to get the wireless N router to fit the modem and get the modem changed from the integrated Motorola router to the modem and router done seperately. Now, the Wireless N router is all left to become a potted plant/white elephant in the house.

Just finding an outlet to vent the frustration cause this simple change has been going on for 2 weeks and its still being dragged on and I'm tired of hearing the nonsense of it all. Everyone wants something for their own convenience, and the Mio honestly doesn't fit anyone's needs at it, cause Dad intends to get the all in one package to save some funds. Honestly, this is driving me to the telco to get a data plan so i can get a dedicated connection just to have the internet as and whenever. Its almost impossible to work on this network.

Things are so not working out and i'm just so in no mood to get my report done up. I have got new glasses done but everything just seems to be done in like some kind of motions, the emotions are all missing. I think i'm really sick of feeling anything for now in regards to this wireless and matters of this house. Every shit/change that happens becomes my responsibility that I have to know how to fix it cause I have a solution to everything. In terms of things at home, sometimes I'm sick of knowing and I don't want to know, cause once I know, or honestly, even if I don't, I still end up knowing and having to think of solutions to fix things up.

This whole week has been rather crazy in terms of the number of days worked. Made me feel like I wasn't some kind of full time worker but some student for a moment. There was block modules for Holy Spirits and Missions from Thurs - Sat, from 830am to 530pm and honestly isn't easy just concentrating for full blocks of lessons and it often leaves you real tired by the time you get home and when its past weekend.

Not sure if its sad my week is coming to an end, of my part time student experience or is it due to Vin"s departure for KL. Starting to feel it now and it reminds me when En Min was about to head off for her exchange program. There is that tad sense of sadness and it made me realise that people will have to leave at the climax when we're really on good terms and relationship with one another.

But its ok, I take comfort in the sense that he is away on some terms that its gonna be a good time for him as he chases after his dreams and live the dreams.

Can't seem to get deep into worship with Taylor just now, just feels like something is missing.

Finally time off to jot down my thoughts for a bit this whole entire weekend. Its been rather remarkable in it's own sense since I think there was breakthrough in its own ways. Dad thanked me for his red polo shirt (which i'm still very proud of, i think its HEN MEI lah - thank you Alvin + En Min), and I realised he was capable of being nice and sweet. Breakthrough in its own ways in terms of the girls, and Jason. Its definitely nice to see people opening up more and we having more contact with each other to really know each other more.

So its been good and God is good, having my new lcd monitor and wireless keyboard and mouse set up. New workstation and a complete whole different feel and thanks to my new workstation which garnered my brother's attention and we were talking about football and computers. Boys. I thought I'll leave something down to just keep me reminded of just what's been happening. Sometimes, it is really just alot of things going on. Writing keeps you in check.

I realised while carrying Taylor out today, after work where the admin side realised I play the guitar rather often, it gathers a lot of attention cause its a Taylor. The brown bag gets talked about cause its not a typical guitar bag color and its hard to miss cause Taylor's logo is printed in front of the bag.

2. People don't carry Taylors and take public transport, cause I believe many cab/drives. So far, I've only seen people carrying BT/BBTs only, which mine happens to be one too.

So yes, people have realised that as a girl, I have splurged on one which I suppose its really just that few girls who spends on a guitar.

So while walking, I realised I'm quite some strange person who still travels on public transport with my guitar around. I used to find it troublesome but have gotten past it to handle it, that it is actually relatively easy.

Been doing it since I was 17? And I'm still doing it till today. I do realise I still do enjoy worshipping and walking around the guitar with it. Somehow, I do feel real attached to Taylor, like its almost something natural to do.

I'll walk on, take him to places we both have not been before, and there. Start singing our love songs to our beloved. I really still do feel blessed and its still one of my dreams. I still do remember and I'm still running after it. loves.

Hmm, my long type of my previous post didn't get saved or posted up. I was trying to say that this week has been a real tired one for me, or least one that left me perpetually tired or dozing off to sleep the moment my mind decides to drift off to sleep. Its been quite bad in that sense cause it leaves me unproductive, I'm hoping to clear some readings on Saturday.

I fell asleep at 1030pm just now, waking up at 330am, probably the body clock telling itself to wake since 5 hrs is the base for me. Gonna head back to sleep.

Can't wait to spend time with my loves cause it never fails to be a great time everytime we hang together and we can talk about what we love most and it can really come to no end and perhaps shed abit more light on this week's going through.

Just thank God for His grace that brought me through the week. Through the many times I felt like giving up or screwing myself up when it seems logical for the moment, only cause that's how you've been feeling the entire week, it could make you feel good for then. Just glad I didn't do anything stupid cause I know I'll be kicking myself over it now.

I woke up today feeling like I just arose out from a pool of water and took my first breath of air. Looked around, trying to figure out if I have overslept, it was just nearing 7am, on time for work. The thought has been nagging me, after having picked up some stuff in Jie's car yesterday whilst grabbing some packed food home. It broke, but this morning I was rather confused, I was feeing physically refreshed, which has been the first since the past 2 weeks but my mind was in a whirl though which was rather strange.

I suddenly had a range of thoughts that ranged from "you should just shut your mouth" to the scenes of the misunderstandings I had with people to thinking, I think I'm just being oversensitive on my sensing, perhaps its not the people who has a problem, the problem was me.

So all the thoughts lasted all through my shower, and I left home knowing I can't go on like this, but I know I could shut my gap up. So i went into a mode of elusiveness. Decided not to do anything but just allow some music to just minister and sing and be reminded of some truths and facts again while I headed to work. I reached office in no time and it seemed like the entire time, I was in a daze. Yeah my entire mind was fixed on nothing but Him. Its the only thing that keeps me going everyday and perhaps sane every morning.

I reached office and placed my bag down, thinking what I have to do ahead of the day. I chanced upon Janna's link that she posted on Saturday when I saw the video on Bryan Adams, enough to click that left me feeling all nostalgic. I suddenly had memories of what I used to like since I was young, yes, I listened to Bryan Adams while growing up with mom in her room and both of us singing together, that BA was a handsome young man, with a deep, grunge voice, who plays a guitar and wins the heart of all girls. I was then 7-8, and yes, I sang to every song on BA's CDs that Mom had.

I think the thought ever did occur to me that I wanted to play a guitar but never got anywhere, cause it was a stringed instrument and I had bad brushes and experiences with the Chinese Orchestra that I vowed I will never pick any stringed instrument anymore.

A random comment I said nearly 16 years ago, till Janna said, play BA's - Heaven on a guitar for her to hear, I realised, hey, I could really do a BA song and play a guitar. I could now pick up a guitar, sing a song and yes, how far I've come. From humble beginnings of a Yamaha, I do have a guitar I can say I truly love and its a Taylor. Knowing nothing on guitars back then, I never knew what BA played on, till today, he plays Martin/Gretches/Fenders. :) I realied he's so into photography and I realised what makes me attracted to people and in awe of them, are just people who has never stopped creating and pursuing their loves with such passion, draws me.

Back then, when I was 7-8, i was a dreamer, i dreamt. Through the years, living in my current age of 23, it donned upon me that perhaps I should quit dreaming and really start pursuing the dreams I always had. Not that I have not achieved any, but the realisation that I'm living in it, living in days of achieving and making my dreams come true, certainly brings me great delight and joy. I realised I never forget what I ever said or dreamt about, cause I love holding accountable to what I say. I realised some of my loves, thoughts and dreams have never really changed at all, all through the years.

In any cases, it made me thought of the things I'm doing now and the things that I've always been dreaming to just have some reality check. I'm still gonna continue doing what I always do, and those thoughts in my head, were just concerns for people, that if I was really concerned over all those people, I should get them out and have a good talk with them and share. Nothing beats from hearing from the horse's mouth and I do realise that the power of the tongue can rather be a brutal thing. Times I wished I would have talked less and learnt to listen more. But its a lesson, the art of listening and leaving things the way they were. I'll try to remember it again the next time round. Perhaps age is an excuse of forgetfullness or a carelessness or to allow a slip of tongue for a moment, that causes a longer period of misforgivings or grievances. I'm still learning and so bear along with me, I'll work towards a no more next time.

In all, i'm still reminded of my loves, and its encouraging to know that some things just don't change. I still love and am drawn to men who are talented, loves music, photography but it doesn't matter when all I see, is men who are passionate over the things they love, and they take pursuit. The courageous ones who will give anything up for the pursuit of their loves, I respect and am gonna keep on running and focus on my loves.

Yes, I still love You all these years, and thank you for always watching over me, being my #1 fan, audience and Father, watching over me. You got me thinking and reflecting this morning again. It is the summation of everything that has been going on for the past 3 months I believe, watching my entire life pass me by and realise what I was thinking and experiencing on my past and my present, all coming together as one. It is awesome days I'm living in. And it leaves me simply awestruck at Your works.

This has to be one of the funniest thing that can happen. I thought twitter did this well with a tinge of humor. ahahah! :) gah, its quite a torture to be having flu to be stucked in an air conditioned environment. I've never craved fresh air as much as this.

Hah, another irony that happened was being told by your supervisor that when I return from my trip, would be added on thingies to do to my job scope. AHAHHA. I seriously don't know if I should " Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" ahahah. Oh, and guess who I took the quote from? Its quite funny how timely things works and I pondered about it, I guess, I should be happy :)

But in any cases, in moments of extreme coldness and inactivity and the temptation to doze off gets extremely high after a meal, I start thinking alot after that, after waking up from my sleepy consciousness. So there's quite suddenly abit of thoughts going in, but I guess, anxiety has just said hi to me.

And after hitting the "Publish Post" button and reading the things I leave on my blog, just under the banner, I thought to myself, where has faith gone. If faith is the assurance in the things unseen, and the conviction of things unseen, i'm reminded again of not just living a life based on what you see with your physical eyes, but be reminded what I should be fixing my eyes on once again. The promises, the goodness, that at times are just so easily overlooked once the boat gets rocked and hits a little bump, its so easy to hit the panic button. I laugh at myself at times, how easy it takes at times to just cause a ripple effect in me. And it reminds me once again, what I should be doing. Its simply running back to him cause its just how inadequate I am, and how sufficient he is.

I think I've wrote on this a billion of times, but I must say, funny how I was younger, I always wanted to be bigger, older, earning my keep, cause it seems so good to have the ability to get what you want. Then as I got older, I'm praying or rather hoping that growth stops at my current age, that I don't want to know anymore. AHAHAA.

So while I was returning home on Monday evening, I was having these thoughts in my head. Was I too naive to have believed what adults have made believe, or has the adults been too convincing and real to have made it seen, being a grown up was a good thing or the place or person to be.

Lately, I'm being reminded alot of the things I've said or thought and believed, since I was young. Cause I'm now seeing them all come to past, through the passage of time, and through the process of maturing or growing up. When life gets tough, or it becomes undesirable, one just want to revert back to the way where life was much simpler, where it was much joy-filled, play all day, worryless and pretty much effortless in that sense.

I start to respect many for those who have been working for some 20-30 years of their life, and often atimes, always ask "what keeps you going? what now? how did you manage to?" And the reply I often get "you just do it", "there isn't much of a choice".

So I concluded that the younger generation nowdays, we love making choices. Making the choice to decide what we want to do, go about our lives, where every nitty grittys requires our attention to. But often a times, we like to think there's a choice to work, probably because many comes from pretty well-to-do background, that doesn't require you to work for survival.

Seems like when our needs are based on different requirements (eg. think marslow), our motivating factor or driving force to work and how we do differs greatly. At times, one wish your situation didn't give you a choice, so your everyday then would have passed much easier, cause you don't figure much, you just work and get by it to have food on the table and enough to pay your utilities. Then again, life would have been way harder, cause it barely leaves you with sufficient to get what you want or likely eat the many yummy food that costs more than $2-$3.50 for a meal.

So above everything, having joy and living through each day, brings much more meaning. That it helps for me, knowing the promises and the callings He has called upon years and years ago. It makes me smile that I thank God, that I can really do what I really desired.

I've been thinking alot about my current job, is it time to move on or whatsoever. But I realised what this jobs gives me, alot of freedom. Freedom at the back of my head to think and figure in between doing my tasks, conversing. That actually the moment I head home, I actually do have alot of energy left to do what I really want. Like of late, its going back to designing again. I left it so long time ago, but its now back. I left it on the shelf 2 years back, deciding that its probably not for me.

But I've suprised myself in coming out designs that I like (which is quite rare). I found the fonts, the feel I always wanted, that I found it out accidentally while hitting the Bold for TW Condensed. Its a cute look. Certain things doesn't change, my love for red, orange, white and black when they all come together. But certain ways of doing it has changed, that I've learnt on my job here from my Director. Of using guides/rulers around to help in the alignment :)

And I was just messing around at Loo Mt, when I was thinking, how far do I wanna go on this free-lance. Staring at photography / design. The possibilities are really endless, and its really up to me to go and test and see how far this two loves go. I realised, often atimes, I'm just too lazy. But a little nudge/poke/spank does a good job. A reminder to who I am, what I love, and what i love to do. Can't feel more alive than anything, reminding myself of my desires.

its honestly quite sad that i sold my htc touch 3g to get a qwerty phone, cause i missed the feel of buttons.

I got a samsung b7320 and within 3 weeks, it was lost. I lost all my contacts and the phone. Now, it just seems like i lost all interest in one, and all it seems, is that i want a phone that has qwerty, has wifi on it and a decent screen. Sigh. I need a new love though i havent chance upon any I fancy. I'm tired and i'm heading to bed.

Its funny how i can still remember the things that i remember watching the details when i was younger, like I was 5-6 up till today. I love watching old dramas especially local ones, and guessing the era in which they were probably made. Cause the clothes, fashion, bags, cars and mobile phones gives it all away! AHAHHAA.

But its amusing to watch how many local stars, the then-in ones are still currently with Mediacorp or wondering, if they're not anymore, where are they now! I'm just so curious as to matters like this, especially when there's the concern of the passage of time, where are you now, what are you doing, how have you been, what has been going on? You know the developments and stories that has built them up to where they are now, I love that stuff.

But in any cases, today has been a start of with pain. I can't imagine when was the last time I had pain like this, and the source comes from just a finger from my right hand. Its amazing how that tiny thing can cause such pain that can wake me up from my sleep, that I had to grab an ice to provide some comfort. I actually thought about putting pressure on it with tapes, wrapped round the swell but it just got worse. Maybe I did it wrongly, but hoo, pain does make you feel high. I just thank God I managed to head back to sleep after applying ice and calling upon His name, like "Oh gooodddd".

I thought it was really minor, ahaha! NOT anymore, now that its achieved its rights of paying a visit to HAIDEE NHU who works at the polyclinic at Bukit Merah. She's the one who I saw for my bad ankle sprain, and ahaha! She just saw the thing, and just dismissed me by saying "oh its just an infection, just take some antibiotics and you'll be fine. Don't worry, it won't burst" ahaha. So I sat there and got me thinking, imagine.. What if the patient is one heck of a worry ward, and THAT'S ALL she's ever gonna do. She's soo chill that it seems she really doesn't care. ahaha! My consultation is 2 minutes in the room, I wait nearly an hour to get a spot in there. But its been a good wait, on the book Gan-paps graded as "good book". I've finished half of it with all the time I've spent waiting and just filled with emotions that stirs in my heart, I nearly ended up crying whilst waiting that I had to reason with my brain to stop, lest I wanna allow people to misunderstand me, that my pain has caused me to cry. ITS SUCH A DARN GOOD BOOK.

Well I've heard all everything you've known or heard bout prayers, but I think nothing beats experiencing it in your own life. Which I must say, its something I just got serious just a couple of months back. :) It really encourages me! :D

Ohh, and been visiting the clinic quite often this 2 months, I've been thinking and reminiscing alot of my secondary school days. As I was trying to get to the nearest MRT station, which was Redhill, I couldn't remember how to walk it at all! But ahaha by faith as you trust, its been good. And it made me remember what Redhill-Henderson is well known for. Old folks, there's alot of aging people around. Often a times, I feel they're lonely, needing company/loving someone to just listen to them talk. Its quite a sad place I remembered I hated going to school cause there was just something about the place that does seem abit depressing.

But I saw something today, and got reminded, though no matter where they are, how they are (an amputee, hopping around on clutches though one leg less, doesn't stop them from going about their daily activities). I remember about the human spirit that it is capable of. The capability to love, to care, to show compassion to one another, to encourage one another on. Their reselience, perseverance and determination really teaches me alot.

When you're of that white grey old age, where you see each of your friends leaving you one by one, what encourages you to another new day? What keeps you smiling, what keeps you doing what you do everyday? I've probably just realised, why old people around, smile lesser as they age more. There are reasons why they behave the way they do, if we bother enough.

Sadly, all these revelations comes more and more, and I understand more when my ah-mas are both no longer around. Its a tinge of regret I never spent enough time with them that enabled me to pick up their mode of communication, in dialects. But I hope I'll be able to spread some joy to the old peeps that I meet along the way now. As and whenever, I've a soft spot for them :)

Uncle Heng passed away last night. Another one gone, hope God receives him. He died in his sleep, which is good. And am just glad mom went over in Dec to KL to visit them. I don't remember alot of him, but all i do is remember his smiles and his loud happy, hearty voice. God bless him :) Mom's over at KL now, pity I didn't go up again in Dec to say bye. sigh. What timings but I'll apologise when I do see him. Really!

^ That's from the song "Gravity - Coldplay" ahaha. It just popped into my head. Thought I'll just leave some thoughts here as I take a breather, zoning out to my favourite song, gravity :) I love Chris's voice against the hitting of the keys. In any cases, music always brings me joy, depending on the mood. Like now, I'm on Class 95 old school mode. ahaha! Foreigner - I wanna Know What Love Is.

Whoot. I think I'll head home today and do more search. Update my playlist. Its been a busy busy day, entertaining calls, finishing up the posters, and now collating a list. ahhaah, the busiest day so far, but its good. But my body wants to nua. Tee Hee :) Anyway back to work. See if I do get home and continue :)