i thought i've just finished one hella of a roller coaster ride trying to assure myself of things around me, and in having more faith to go get them done, arhahar. in comes another one, its like the things keep coming, arhahar, and i try my best to get them done one by one. cause its the only way to clear the incoming things that are coming your way.

granny's in hospital. i haven't got time to reflect one bit about it. because my hands are bit kind of full, or rather i'm worrying bout someone for days. making the step only to realise that one shouldn't. the most dangerous part about investing in anything that has to do with relationships (be it friendships, kinship, loveship) anything. its not the feeling of anger or hurt or sadness, but i tell you straight, there's nothing worse in this world, then to losing yourself. that to me can be one of life's greatest tragedy. in my sense, and i take that very very seriously, that's when i always contemplate to pull the plug, to save themselves from dropping any crazily. not to save my own butt, cause arhahar, what do i got to save about myself. but lets give each other more time :)

har. anyways, no matter how late i'm getting home today whahaar. emo abit. then get some work done. slp. dinner together missuesses. arhahar. and get my mind of somethings and work immerstion in progress.

if we hold on together =)

yeap, today is the graduation. arhahar. can't really be typing much so disabled by the wrist on the left-hand. it hurts like mad and its acting up again. i shall just type with my right hand only. aren't you glad God made us up with 2 hands that even though one hand may be down, we'll still have another to work on! and to help others with whatever you have left.

i'm feeling happy. as in doing up the jacky cheung's wallpaper. looking back at the kind jojo omma who lovingly scanned all the pictures. just putting them altogether brings such joy, it sits prettily on the desktop. its been needing a wallie though the z4 was sitting there for awhile. looks cute on the blog. but at the end i guess i've moved on and stop wallowing in my self dugged pits that i was feeling. probably even enclosing myself up to myself that the outlet was writing. glad to have moved on and restore some normality around.

today's graduation was alittle screwed up for me cause i actually misplaced the white card, i ended up writing my name on another piece of placard i had, leftovers from the fyp presentations. took pictures with the people i wanted and went off shortly. so unused to participating in events, organising would have been funner har har.



companied mommy in search if a new maid, aunty lilik's leaving. maybe i could print a picture of my toys, she always laugh when i show it to her especially lately with the addition of da tou. i practically bring her everywhere in the house where i go. i'm a big kid at hom, but da tou is so huggable, plus no irritation to the nose, its a joy. she brings me smile somehow lookin at her smile, i'll smile too. she's always happie. i hug her oso happie. pooh bears always sad, har, the face lar, domo seems angry but actually looks real funny after sometime, sparky has the humm look. ah bear is the coachy look to me. the leader of the bunch. har. anyway, to all the gifts of bears, thank you very much!

ok i'm blogging bout bears. da tou makes great company when i watch healing hands 3 and sleeping partner, lie on her tummy! watch her flap her legs and hands. so anyways, sleeping time. :)

all the car talks!!! and its easily 545am. said bye to the ferrari siao guy. aka Tushan lor. haiya, but i realised i found a new love after my first love. my bmw z4. is sitting at the front of my desktop for oggling purposes. cause lately, bit sian hor, keep seeing yan dao[s]. (means i need to work on a new wallpaper liao. more yan dao, they'll look more yan dao when u put 4-5 gorgeous pictures together). i lurve the new Maserati. :) cause you know why. cause Healing Hands 3, Henry drives it. and i got swooned by it. erm by the machine first then the man. arhahar but Bowie Lam has been cute lar.

first yesterday started with a trip down to the stupid NEC service centre cause the comp was having a serious error. it'll have this fatal error message and disallow me to use the comp from starting up for the next few hours lor. brought it down today, the comp managed to boot up. so in the end, the fault lied with stupid 3rd party parts that Harvey Norman inserted for the ram. damn-ed. actual 1 GB of ram cause of the upgrade became 2 GB of ram, cause the comp to act cranky cause one of the RAM chips ain't working lar. madness. i guess the one inserted now, [comp's running on 1 GB of RAM only] is working. its the other chip. fair enough with NEC that they found out the comp had external party add ons, didn't wanna void the warranty for me. just have to see lor. so annoying.

then it was lunch at far east with Emo Boy. his shopping at Topman. walk walk walk around the departmental stores. ew. not a fan. but i saw the RED blouse over at G2000, damn gian now. wanna buy lor. looks good, must go and ask mummy liao arhhar. otherwise just come out with the money and add a nice looking blouse in it damn cool. arhahar. and what, both of our players died on the mrt journey. and yes before i was gonna meet him i met this really shuai ang moh. OMG. he looked like Ethan Hawke arhahar. sssh.

so many guys name and cars. i ki siao le lar. :) but here's a big thank you today, to Justin, Tushan and Martin for the fun day out. hope Lavvie gets better soon, at Changi hospital today, arhahar, i came early, so i went up to the glass windows and just stood there. scenes of Healing Hands 3 kept flooding my mind. then i stood there, and smiled to myself lor arhhar. ridiculous. but yar, i suddenly felt that being a doctor or a nurse is super cool. wei da ok. :) but then again i walk by the patients, my heart will cringe abit. the pain, the tubes get inserted. i sort of feel like screaming.

getting to changi hospital was embarrassing. cause first, i ended up on the wrong side of the road after coming out of the mrt. second, i stopped early and ended up stopping at ITE's campus. waited for another bus, i still ended up stopping one stop before the stop nearer to Changi Hospital. one thing is either i cannot count bus stops, or 2 my eyes don't know how to read signs. but anyways, determined to reach my destination, just walk lor one bus stop distance LOL. find my way round. quite fun lar hor.

and then bowling with "commander", tushan and "marty" commander should have a new name called ah gong yar. he bowls damn pro de. the pins melt at the sight of the ball. lightly but surely. marty had career high arhhar and the rest were just average scores. my scores are horrible. arhahar. but ok lar. then the bowling part reminded me of you know what again. HEALING HANDS 3 again. cause Frances loves to bowl after work with her own accessories of her own ball and shoes. Diao. arhhar, my first shot was her advice she told Paul "don't look at the ball, look at the pins" arhahar. but for me, i like looking at the arrows on the floor. haix. lao mao bing. keep bowling to the ball to the eventual right hand side. ew. but aiyah. have fun can le.

so much fun. i don't think i can wake up early arhhar. going to bed at 6am. oops. don't let mummy know. she'll kill me. "you want to fall sick again huh". =X nitey. and thank you for the fun day today. arhahar.

the internet connection wasn't working. but it shouldn't stop one from blogging since the feel of it sprung up. i thought i should do something about the feelings i have. rather then let it dissipate into thin air. or something. arhahar. its been quite a long time since i blogged. since most of the thoughts that were running in my head were rather kept in the black book on the exterior, but lovely white pages with lines on it to just let me scribble a thing or two onto it.

the entire feeling of writing and typing it out on the keyboard suprisingly feels a tad different. cause when i write on the book, i tend to be careful not to make any written errors cause i don't like to cancel out stuff, much less be bothered to adopt the liquid paper approach. and suprisingly, i don't really tend to make mistakes when i write them out on the book but the moment i start typing, the usual process i have is just whack and press the keys. see what you feel just press, arhahar, and see the errors appear out on the screen do you hit the backspace button and correct the wrongly typed alphabets. i tend to be less careful. when i type, but in its own ways very thereupeutic. i think thats the spelling or what not. arhhaar. which has in some ways kind of being adopted as my typing attittude whenever i touch the computer's keyboard. that sense of familiar feeling when i type on the keyboard, now that its the nec comp that i'm using. i used to be very adopted and used to the acer's keyboard. moved on to the acer's laptop feeling. once the feeling comes about, when i start pressing the keys, arhhar. it'll hit and go non stop. i like the entire process of pressing and seeing the words appear on the screen one by one. very fulfilling arhahar. and somehow, i'm beginning to love this keyboard on the nec laptop. i like the hp ones too, arhahar. they got that clutting sound whenever you hit the keys :)

i'm suddenly beginning to feel so emo. God knows bout what but its been a great day being able to come home. after worship practice and driven home by lovely uncle henry. for one thing ago, when he asked me how long have i been on the worship team, i think it isn't long arhahar. but i do remember when i was new to the church, i remember standing in the congregation and worshipping God, i remembered seeing this real cool uncle (its uncle henry) he was one of the only i think, worship leader who would sling a guitar as he led worship. i thought he was cool, ahhaar. and i was dreaming, "arh, wouldn't it be lovely if for once i could be able to be up there on the stage playing with Uncle Henry, 2 guitarist. arhhar. together, as a team worshipping God".. it happened today and is gonna be another tomorrow. wheeee!! for God. goo goo. arhaarhar. for one thing back then, arhahar i didn't even knew how to play the guitar when i made the comment arhhar. God knows what goes through my head when i make comments, that today i only realised it was something a little secret that erm, God was actually hearing me all this time. that it was just a matter of time before the things before me, in my life were slowly revealing. i smile and shake my head in disbelief at times how small a comment at times like that turns into something real time. i mean for once, i still cannot believe myself that God would be using me, arhahar. one person who's so afraid of string-ed instrument who sort of made a vow that she wasn't gonna touch anything related to string instruments, after her bad experience with the CO team, she turned away feeling useless. arhahar, not till she joined the next door band (with that neverending war with the Music Ensemble and the CO team at RMPS) arhahar. i think she found her love for music. arhhar, i still do remember learning that basic recorder instrument cause Mrs Seng claimed everyone had to start from the bottom. and that's supposedly the bottom before anyone could move to any other instruments. i sort of had the knack for it, arhahar, moved on and played the pianica. arhhar, which i will always say, i just whacked lar, arhahar. i'll usually hit 85% of the song. arhahar never more than that in terms of wrong notes played. i'll always fade out and fade in when i'm confident. arhahar.

i picked up the guitar later. arhahar, leaving music for some years and coming back to realise back then in primary school i was learning the basic of all basic. just the pure C major range, and only it. arhar, sharp and flats never existed, much less the minors. coming back on the guitar arhhar, not that my theory base is any good, but picking up slowly arhahar. like today's one note higher transposition. argh. arhhaar, i still need to write it down! useless ahhar, but its a start. arhhaar, plus one of Bm, it didn't occur to me its supposed to be C#m. doh arhhar. :) took me awhile there. but its fun.

the whole feeling just sunk back and i was smiling as i thought of the good old primary school days. i miss school. right on from primary school, to secondary school, till the poly days. i wouldn't mind reliving the entire thing over. rather, i miss the da jie da feeling, arhahar. running around the school. whoo hoo. then the chu lian days will come back arhahar. Doh. ridiculous.

but in all, i just thought i should be patient as to whatever God is doing to me. after worshipping today, and lately, it was more like what Aunty Carol said, "be patient with your recovery, don't push yourself too hard'. whoa. true but i think it was more of like to patience, being still and just having that faith and trust to hold on to whatever plans waiting for God to unveal. i mean i suppose you do your part, and there'll really be that your contribution part which says "thank you for contributing" when that's all you can do and anything further more is supposed to be time revealed. for lately, i was sort of holding back from God. Preferring to shut up God and just let me live my days. arhhar, obviously nothing worked and it seemed that i was angry over every single thing that came my way that it seemed i couldn't do a thing or two to it anymore. i think the high fever did me good.

for one it made me realise that once again, the great o men is fallable. and when it means everything around you, it really means to what so ever routines you're having or living in your life can oh so very well can be changed anytime, whether you're ready anot. no one gives a hoot to whether you're ready anot, it normally takes place when you least expect it. arhahar. for a moment, i realised that yes, you're young but it didn't meant or equals to you taking good o health for granted. its really a matter of till you lose it do you know how to appreciate the things that you already have, and not the things you do not have. that to be able to do the things you deem as normal might not so very easily be something you could do tomorrow. when i lost the joy of appreciating or rather just eating food normally, to be able to enjoy the good o shower, to be able to clean yourself daily which in normal circumstances you could do, suddenly became a little bit more challenging all of a sudden, when you realise hey, i'm 20 you know. not 80. but i felt everything being a chore, even having a good night's sleep was deemed such a chore, that all i could do was lie with my bloody eyes, wide open. you're tired, you're sick, you know you should rest. but you can't, that feeling was whootingly annoying. it just spelt h-e-l-p-l-e-s-s all day long. i lost everything over night whoo. my health, my life was in some kind of crossroad mess, failure from applying from something you wanted to do, but prolly isn't meant for me to do arhahar, the daily chores becomes serious chores daily. tv isn't the way to go, you can't enjoy anything cause walking straight already was such a problem, forget about leaving the purple lavender room. forget about the clear blue skies cause no matter how lovely the skies were the day i was sick, i wouldn't even look out the window. i was plain angsty, angry. pissed. dissed. wouldn't show it to everyone but i think it was written on my face. when wanting to vent on the book also becomes a chore. i couldn't do anything but sit and lie on my back just wallowing in my sudden state of helplessness. arhahar. wanted to be left alone, don't touch me for you wouldn't and never gonna understand was my message for the next couple of weeks.

to the build up till today. when i was debating strangely to myself, I didn't realise but Jayson only said when he saw me at Videoezy "you abit weird weird de leh. like not happy like that". arhhaar. why so? i also don't know that i'm still figuring out why, i thought i was happy with the job, i thought i was doing well with the job, or was it to my own expectations that i wasn't living them up. but i know on the last 4 hours i worked there, i somehow felt alittle bit happier arhharar. why i still wonder, wasn't like the people there weren't nice or like the job was demanding. it was like a sort of release from what i don't know. but i felt relieved arhahar, could be the self imposed expectations i was putting to myself or something. humm. strange, but left the job cause i know i ain't want to fall sick any time soon, with the clinics around and my poor immunity, i left. which means yes, i'm jobless. or does it mean i'm supposed to put in more effort on my six stringed instrument. harhar. i'm still figuring out :)

interesting to just look back and look at the little issues and warning signs that are apparently in your face but you just don't look at it. Emo Boy said "you seem more gay (happier) of late". but i know i appreciate him for being around. i don't seem to be listening physically, but your words does head through me ya? arhahar, what goes on inside of me doesn't show on the outside. arhahar, i can't help it!! its just a habit or maybe my way of escaping the growing up years, the difficult times, that i don't show anything on my face at all, but arhahar, its all brewing on the inside arhahar :) i'm learning to share more along the way, arhahar. but your random play arounds with me when i say "i think I can't seem to hear God lately", when you tell me "maybe He left you" arhahar, and i'll go "nope, He never leaves, its i'm not listening" arhahar like how you tell me the past few weeks that I fell sick ain't my fault blah blah blah but it was more like a lesson learnt cause you will never lose in these kind of situations. aey, bingo, you suddenly have the sense and logic sense in you for once is it? for once or rather lately, i felt logic and sense seems to have hit you on your head. i think you sort of grew up a little bit, like mature in some sense arhahar. can't pinpoint as to where but you've been a man when the situation arose :) good boy. arhahar :) i know why i said why i was enjoying your presence of late, cause i remember when it started out initially, arhhaar, you were like the man arhahar, think with a straight head and with logic. arhaha somehow, as time goes by, your logic seems to have went out the window, but of late, you've got that wise feeling on you arhhaar, and the truth, i enjoy that feeling on you of late. arhahar. wise men are turn on. *winks arhhaar. its just lovely having you around, and a joy :) having you and to the ppl who cares for me, the friends and all, thank you. for the words of get well soon and the hello and chats. every small things are greatly enjoyed and yes, lovely. its the joy of moving on to a new day, the hope, the reason how i can be so amazingly stunning in my lameness. that you all are happy too at the same time no matter where you are. smile smile smile. and friendships, (ok yes love gets included for now :X) are apparently, life's most precious gifts. of course, mind that health of yours. money can buy you the doctor but it isn't mean you got a lifetime immunity against the unknown viruses, while you can, enjoy the food on your table, and enjoy the enjoyment that you can get out from being able to fill your tummy and taste the food, glorious food. the internet connection was found but died again. oh wells, i'll just leave this in notepad form till it gets published. ctrl a + ctrl c + ctrl + v. hit the publish button!

i wanted to share on the thoughts on "healing hands 3" on yesterday's episode still fresh on my mind. Anson and her hubby bearing a baby who is very likely to come out to the world as a child down with down syndrome. isn't the first time that i've reflected on the issue but it seems so real yesterday that i crossed the issue twice. i remember trying to fit myself into the shoes when i was younger, i gave a very definite "why yes, of course you'll bore the child, for the child is first a gift from heaven". but how come as i get older, that definite answer keeps turning into an erm urhhh. answer. why the uncertainty. cause the debate on always "he/she is still your child", "it stayed in your tummy for some good 9 months", "how could you be so heartless" issues come out. "you bear it, you're gonna give the baby a hellish life when it comes out" was what mom did told me before. i thought she was so heartless but aiyoo. i think back of it it does make sense. but its so diffcult for the pair. healing hands made me feel human lately. to be able to enjoy a show to immerse myself totally in the show and just develop that feeling for the character. i feel human again. and doh, when a guy cries, i tear. ew. arhahar, but yar, watching lee jun ki (suprisingly) cry as he shared his letter of thanks to his fans (i'm not a fan) but i was moved too! when Edmond died in the show, and the girl (aiyah i suck at names) just immersed herself in work (the name is Frances) arhahar., and Paul was concerned for her and all. she's a pathologist, working in the forensics to speak justice to the dead and innocent who were murdered. i thought of ashley for a moment arhhaar, her dream. and sulk and look at the things in which has happened over the months.Uncle Henry said today the things that makes you angry are mostly the things you really care about. dang. i thought he made so much of sense arhhar :) *sighs. but in alls, i think i'll just did what she did all the same as her ahahar. she's cool.

then watching today's "smile again" on teevee. diao. emo again. sometimes, the people you care alot for, can really hurt you alot. where your dear so called friends could just turn their backs on you and continue doing what is deemed important in their agenda without giving a care two hoot about others feelings. whooo hooo. emo emo emo. its what i deem backstabbing and ouh i so hate that and those people. but the magic comes in muarhhar. hate but forgive. or maybe hate wasn't suppose to be allowed in the picture. Uncle Henry asked me today again "do you forgive him". i think yar the answer is more of a convincing "yes" as i get older. :) if mummy could do it, doesn't give you a reason to hate and not forgive. i talked to hm today, arhahar, acted all kiddish today when he offered me sushi today. ew. raw stuff mou call me put those stuff in my mouth, without Glenda around. arhahar. it has to be dipped with soy sauce and wasabi then can tahan lar. :) and slurped down quickly with warm smoothing green tea :) hee hee. i feel suprisingly relieved. at peace with myself of late. which makes me happier of late. arhar. and a little feeling of accomplishment. arhahar. lessons learnt and kept at the back head of me.

to all those feeling sluggish and sicklish of late. loads of prayers going out there and take care! drink more water and get more of rest :) hee hee. and yar, Jesus loves :) i love too. hee hee. going to sleep its worship tomorrow. and a high high God high time arhahar. playing with the team today was such a joy. i thought was a little different God high today. happish high. or maybe its just me arhahahar. go to sleep with mummy's new gift. my green cute uber round tortoise which makes me happy. happy momsy's day. i should be home tomorrow to come out something for mj.net. arharhar. for those sweet angels. Happy Mothers' Day to all the momsys out there. ouh yes and to Internet Mummy muarhhar. Lurves. Jojo omma, lurves, wharhar, Godma, my mom and sweet aunty carol. lurves and God blessssss. har, the indispensible people. arh. i'm gonna have my sweet dreamys. i think. but problem is hello. i don't dream? arhahar :) nitey nite. crtl+s. saved. in notepad for now :)

there's quite alot lately happening. ahahar. i don't even know where to start. but all i can say. i was down and out for a week. from a good old 40.3 fever. and i'm just glad to be living, breathing, kicking and typing now. being down and out for some period of time has certainly cause some rustiness in me. and some changes in the lifestyle aku live now.

apparently i can't have any more late nights. its like the forbidden thing cause of the belief that late nights isn't good for health. and i'm still trying to sort out some bit of myself. still can't pinpoint what's going on with me, but arhhaar till i do. it'll be a long entry ranting. but for now. that's all for now i guess. i'm heading to bed. my mom just nagged me :) nitey.s