humm i like being away from home sometimes. i think i'm starting to feel that absence makes the heart fonder. after cooping in my room for like 5 days. 6th and 7th day of the week was spent over at my cousin's place and it has definitely been a time of fun and enriching time. rejuvenating time for me. certainly feels recharged.

saturday was spent with God, arhahar. at cell. thank God sharing was fine ok. suppose to share what makes quiet time a special time for Jesus? arhhar. i was actually very flustered cause i only got the entire material done within an hour before i prepare myself to head to the Uncle-Auntie Henry/Carol's place. was like "was it going to be enough" i just had the slip shot kind of work, like it wasn't enough but it was all i could dig aahar from the bible. finishing Masterlife encore kind of style. 5 days of work done in 2 days. arhhar. never kena arrow sia. but kena arrow means you'll be getting to study and realise some patterns in the bible. that in the books of matthew, mark, luke and john had strong emphasis on Jesus's works, healings, the 12 apostles, Jesus's prediction he was going to be betrayed and the crucifixtion and the resurrection. for a moment i was like "eh i thought i saw it in the previous chapters?" arhahr. ah-hah! there's repeats but when repeats occurs it only sends a stronger message across wor.

anyways, then saturday was spent shopping with a beloved for sweets! yeap, cause Kim Yee and her company/department's gonna be heading down to visit children and humm. Youths so went to NTUC to buy those food. we were like aunties debating looking at prices, doing mental sums (how many packets to how many children there were to how many packets to buy!) what to buy for her mummy. rushing here and there. arhahar. it was fun lar. imagine us grown woman next time buying household products. arhahar. how to carry take away pepsi in a cup properly. without spilling on top of having BAGS of barang barang all around. arhhar. came home we both cracked out brains how to wrap those gifts. was really fun packing all those things but i was more like cutting the paper up. apparently the paper wasn't enough to wrap all 50 sets of sweets but hoo hoo. somehow my wonder woman mummy came in and wrap. i wrap like 1-2 sets. she's got 5-6 done? =X puts me to shame arhhar. and KY's aunt came in to help too. wrap and wrap. till 1 am. both moms went to bed and that XIAO ZHU was "resting" taking a break on the sofa. i was happily arranging the sweets on the floor to take a shot. and that girl. in no time was actually in lalaland. full house started. so i watched a tad of it. arhahr [i prefer My Girl/my current 1% of anything/Kim Sam Soon] arhhaar. i lurve Kim Sam Soon, for the female lead. i miss her. she's cool. arhhaar. ended up packing while that missy is asleep but its ok arhhaar. cause she did more work than me right? =) and packed those lovely sweets into a big paper bag. they look so lovely=) i lurveee colours. makes me smile.

anyways, its good to be loving being in my room, cause being away from it. i see my room. and i thank God, i lurve my room. the familiar faces in my room. the settings. the smell. the looks and the teddy bears!!! arhhar. pooh bear and the big round turtle. all by the lovely ppl who sends their love through teddies to company me! arhahar. or maybe the room reminds me how much i am being loved, by the one above. arhhaar, and all the lovely ppl around me. bless you all and lurve you all. *misshes you all. don't let the unlovely ppl turn you all unlovely, cause the way you are is just too lovely to be unlovely. be nice =) love one another hoo hoo . *grooves. nite. someone

i like this picture i took. it was rainy and it was taken outside the macdonald house. i always wonder how to take a picture that will depict what i feel of rainy days. lonely! arhahar. and cause chocolate makes me happie. [its taken all with my mobile yar. might be grainy. another spur of those moment things. think i have to bring my digicam everywhere next time ar.] and someone who taught me through a show what it means to appreciate loveliness. muarhhaar. he's sooo cute in this picture ok. *sigh. i'll faint if he does it real life ok. so electrifying those eyes of his. *pinches cheecks. bleah. so cute. [stupid server. doesn't upload GIFs. piggy. anyway there's something called.. IMAGE SERVER FREE! BLEAH. blogger boo!]

cutie pie. wharhar so cute lar.

Actually the 9pm show on Channel 8 on weekdays night is pretty good. with the good on screen chemisty between Thomas Ong [who never grows old] and Ivy [can't remember her surname]. its on family affairs, or rather, in court drama over families fighting it out over divorce matters.

I've always been intrigued by the going ons in courtrooms since i was young. i like the dress style. i like the intensity of the debating, each making your stand and trying to prove how strong it is with the appearance of something very condemning or either something poised for victory. everything seems like a dream workplace for me. Its like "what i want to be when i grow up", plus i was a really arguementative person when i was younger. i like standing on the exact opposite side to "defend" myself. nicer terms would be called "defence" in a oh-not-so-nice term, it shall be called "excuses".

growing up, i remember loving watching Dylan Macdermott on teevee. My childhood heroes [together with Pierce Brosnan, Harrison Ford, George Clooneythey're my oh so handsome heroes] Watching The Practice on tuesday nights was my favourite. 11pm i think. arhhar. watch it with my mommy. with the sexy ladies, ahrhar. i had that ambition to work along with all these cool handsome Dylan. arhahar. in his law firm. sipping coffee in the morning, driving around in those black cars, in the really cool office. arhahar. bickering in court. muarhar.

the novelty kind of wear off as i watched more, to come and think of it, lawyers is a called the "high-end" lying profession. i derived this name as i grew up, they'll always be 2 sides to defend and to take to court with. one side will definitely seem like the sure-win case, [in the society's standard of what it is called "normal' point of view], while the other would be the "even-though sure lose, but try all you can" kind of case. i always love watching how the tables are turned when the seemingly sure win side turns out to be the losing side. if you have a strong point, even when the evidences all seems so condemning, muarhar. you appeal for a lighter sentence. all in a point, where law seems to uphold justice. sometimes seems like a lie arhahar. *shrugs. there's nothing called whereby two will have to share the blame at times. i mean yes, unless you're a total victim or something, but its ironic how this world can be. the supposed culprit was also a victim. at the end of a day, arhahar. it all seems like a matter of perspective all over again.

i grew tired of growing up to be a lawyer. when i weigh it out and decided that hello? there's no fun in Singapore being a lawyer cause there aren't any high crime kind of cases. [i like criminal law. sounds so aspiring. cause the stakes are high] lol. but thought being a lawyer in the family court isn't that bad. after all, divorce rates are high and it'll be cool i think.

5 years ago it was The Practice. Today, arhahr. its Family Affairs. I happened to watch today's episode whereby once again. it just sent a message out all over. something i believed in. arhahar i was standing for the side of the mom's custody of the child. yes, a child would make do well in a comfortable environment, having all his/her needs provided, having nothing to worry about right till the day the child gets by and graduates from a university. but the process of getting that whole pieces of paper of qualification seems empty. there's no love no acknowledgement, no praise, no attention. humans are a bunch of interesting creatures.

i'm one person who looks through the entire process than the final end picture that is painted beautifully. things seems to be the way they are but many a times, they are not what you think it is. i guess yeap, its the environment i was brought up in that taught me so many life's lessons. where you look at things and wonder if you were in the shoes of that very person, would you have done the same thing or left. till today i'm still debating of being more respectful to this very person at home. mean that person should deserve that respect, but i'm not giving it. i think i would have been labelled unfillial or unforgiving in many cases. but i obviously don't wanna get on further with it. just went i thought of making the move, i held back all over again. like i'm caught in a fix moving in a circle all over again. hatred isn't there anymore, but it holds a rather be quiet kind of stand.

i think i'm having that wish of starting my own life really soon. like moving out, get your own flat, get your own job. get your own car. fix a life. get it stable. get my mom to move in with me arhahahar. ssh* arhahar. i mean this roof over my head is totally fine but arhhaar. to move away from a car that i see everyday and i just wonder what that car means parked in the garage of this present house. i honestly don't want to know. but a big fat BUT lies there. arhaha. its one step at a time. get this diploma over and done with. then another step before arhahar. working on this dream. sounds fun to start on that dream all so soon eh? arhhar. this family thing. *aish. its a solemn ah joy on a tueday night. heading off for a shower. with S.H.E's - zi zun hua. not sure if i got it right there. is it zun or tun? but ok its a remake of Westlife's Soledad. i lurve that sad tune over there. muarhhar. brings back memories. =)

things haven't been the smoothest of all times i'll say. for myself especially. somehow, i know it sounds ironic because it is the holidays and it is suppose to be the smoothest of times. yes on a part, i can't say every single thing is going downhill but its precisely why i'm having a bit more of free time on my hand. my mind often goes wandering about that i'm spending more time trying to keep it still more than ever. too much time in hand so to speak.

armed with a nice notebook and a pen. its been my companion to bed every single night these past few nights. somehow, i can't seem to sleep before a certain time and i can't get to bed unless i get my thoughts written before i head to bed. that has been my quiet time. my silent prayers to Him, bringing my needs before Him. Hoping to realise and to plead there is so much miss ah joy can take it. it has been back to back, and wounds take time to recover. it is recovering arhhaar. but some old wounds seemingly seems to be infected. and i'm taking time off to recover them. new ones have come along too. but ahhar. i hope the new one is on recovering state.

i don't want to go back to the past weeks whereby arhhar. i was in such a state of being not able to make do without. i guess it all sums up to the emotionally tired ah joy. yeap, i'm happy joyful and bubbly and one who gets especially cranky when she is on a swivel chair. But that's cause i need to be joyful, in midst of all these roller coasters up and downs otherwise what, sulk and live your days with a black face cast on your face like the entire world owes you a living. =)

i am tired that's why i always get cranky. least i could be cranky at church today, getting a little more excited for God, playing for Him once more tomorrow. Makes it worth of the whole week in a way, the emptiness i've been honestly feeling, playing alone and playing with the Seniors and more experience Uncle Tony and Uncle Sunny with Jacob and Glenda and Qi Hui and Li Liang and all to help me with the transposition [i feel like a total noob there] but i like learning new stuffs. when you think you grasp it and when it goes "no you've not!" arhahar, kind of little arguement and you go about learning the way it should be done is fun =) arhahar i learnt Bm7 the right way arharar. the Bm7 i play sounds wayy weird. =( arhhar. so oh wells, new things! so ouh yeah. learn learn learn. just happy i can do something for God that's all. after all He's been blessing me with. Its what I can give. and the prayers during Masterlife time, sounds like Mom's cough's better. arhhar. Amen! [i don't like hearing coughs at home its like. argh* do something about it!] You know how silly i am always thinking of "what medicine should i get" when prayer is actually the best medicine to illnesses. how ironic this is. i'm always trying to go one round to find answers. Talking about Masterlife, arhhaar. Homework! Lol.

So ouh yeah. hoping things turn out well, and hear me say the same old prayer of wisdom + strength all over again. wisdom to know what to do and what i shouldn't be doing and to really understand what the needs really are. strength to get by everything that is passing me by this moment. i'm turning in. i'm hoping to meet Miss Indri. Bak Tuti tomorrow. so many things to tell her. God, i'll really miss her if she's going back to indonesia man. how am i gonna live without my support. been there for me through my teenage years. seen me through my first love. been through secondary school every single bit of the way. rising to the responsibilities. She's more like life's precious gift more than a mere name that she had to what many knew her as "a maid, a helper at home" If i'm to name the main influences in my life? My list. My God, Her. My mom. Miss Bala. And here comes all Internet Mummy, Jojo omma, the ommas and onnes. and the ppl around somehow or someway. *sigh. can't bear to think of the day she'll be leaving sg. *sigh arhahar. miss joy misshes all you people!! Lurve you all.

i've just wanted the songs of a acoustic guitar and only acoustic guitar to company me. not electric. pure acoustic is fine too. and it sounds damn good if its chris martin somehow, i just like losing myself listening to coldplay these couple of days. i got bored of x & y for massively listening to it every single time i headed to work and came back from work during those ibm days. and i'm in love with a rush of blood to the head album. and suprise suprise. songs that i'm caught on, i still love listening to them. and lately, i'm starting to like alot more songs of theirs. suprise. i like honestly, its not the usual songs you hear which have exact meaning to their songs. but it can all just be something on a subject. take , har. its the things that someone might/would do if a sudden rush of blood comes to the head. rashness which results in those actions as they sung it. i'm just suprised that i'm liking songs that i thought initially i wouldn't have liked. but my ear and my mind has gotten on them.

to see how much coldplay has developed from pretty simple and "raw" sounds to the really electic feel of them in their x & y album. i kind of like the older simpler coldplay. its more windy, more smoothing. more pleasing. and it takes me round and round their playlists. i didn't like them AT ALL. when i was younger. when they first came out and i watched the scientist mtv on teevee. i think back then i was probably too young to have comprehend their kind of music. the style they had. but arhahar. it caught on recently. as i opened myself. arhahar. they were heavily into guitars back then, more acoustic guitar. now its so arhhar. electric. but its fine. i'll just go back to their older albums. downloading parachutes and i'm hooked arhhar. =) windy windy tunes. awesome stuff. indulging in their music. i honestly haven't found anything to hook myself on, been just trying to find some music to company me and i think i've just found it.

in this so ever lonely lifestyle i'm leading, which i can develop that lonely feeling to something which i hate just trying to find something i do. trying to do something on a week of a day that might differ from the previous day. its no good not to be working, even if it means that work is a vicious cycle of routines, or rather, life that can be rather monotonous. least i have something to do. observe some people, get to mingle and get to know more about the environment around me. getting to listen. to what the thousands out there has to say over certain issues. and if a need arises to open your mouth to say some kind of response. i hate it honestly when there's nothing to do. when i'm trying to think of songs to learn arhhar. on the guitar. and har. its more coldplay songs the next couple of days. Sheesh* eat sleep. get some project work done. online. God. its darn boring. watch dramas. somehow i think its this little feeling of loneliness. arhahar. that's just eating me that i seriously do love this lifestyle last time. where i love every single bit of time spending in my room. but something which i can't seem to enjoy that much now. arhahar. unless its telling me to talk more to God. but it gets freaky if i do that aloud. arhahar. where everything is quiet. my mobile, the messengers. hoo hoo. its like i'm living for another tomorrow. doing the same old thing. nothing new. yucks*

I WANT TO WORK. OK. seriously, i want to. but honestly, i don't wanna be troubled trying to find time off and stuff like that just for the fyp. i can't devote weekends cause arhhar. its for God. its a stupid dilemna to be in honestly. and there's some tensions over there somehow i feel. little tad bit or whichever. i just hope it'll get on fine. i wanna be neutral and not be drawn to anything. fall out with both and be. muarhhaar. invisible. but thats not an option. come on gurl, start connecting with the rest. communication problems, lets work on it. and that thrashing sessions come out and screaming sessions come out. settle everything and get this whole thing working. i WAS looking forward to working on this major project. maybe a little too excited the eagerness died down to a mere mediocre kind of feeling now. i think i'm contemplating tuition. somehow. arhahar. but a joke. i doubt i can. thinking what else can i make myself useful cause staying at home is driving me nuts really. that it seems i'm living on this world communicating with this damn thing, called the computer. which gets pretty annoying if my life seems to have this source of entertainment or joy or something to keep me entertained with. is no good. God. i need something.

Saturday was apparently happening. Sunday was similiar. least there was work to be doing. feeling tired after serving God and a day of project work makes a day worthwhile. sleeping on the bus seems like a luxury, a well deserved kind of reward. which i love it yesterday. just being alone sitting curled up on the upper deck of the bus, sitted on the left hand side of the bus, with a jacket over my arms. with my ears stucked with music on it (david tao. but arhahar. i think i'm loving coldplay so much more with the parachutes album =X). dozed off and wake up to find the cooling evening that has turned to night, the dark skies, and when i get down. to feel the gentle and cooling breeze. that seems to blow me by. when i raise my hands out to feel it. i feel i'm in another land for a moment or two from the sleeping of the bus down. it rocks when its at night and when its raining. and taking a 10-15 minutes walk just to feel every single bit of this makes sunday a great day. Thank God for the beautiful weather yesterday really. i felt light.

and it all seems to draw back to this cycle. beginning of the weeks always seem like such a hard start. but honestly, i need to pray about arhahar. Finding some good things to do. like something more meaningful than just spending 45 minutes typing this whole entire boredom kind of feeling out. arhahar. i don't know really arhhar. can't stand spending days like the way i am. i need more meaning to it ahrhar. =X anyways, i think its enough of ranting. but least i did something. i made myself heard and to whoever's reading. arhhar. sorry though but i just need to get this irritating bugger feeling off of me. coldplay's spinning on my playlist. msn messenger is not liking me at all disallowing me for some oh reasons. God. this is so not life. =(

ok i was to post this up the other time whereby. hello? when we went out together. =) but its ok. when we were out together. Jin Hui + Vanessa + Janna + Ling Li arhahar. so yeap. post it up!!

Jin Hui and Me =)

that's Janna and me!

^ that's Vanessa and me. arhahar. stupid expressions of me. but i like. candid. funny shots.

the whole bunch of girls with Ling Li in it. [sorrie dear. arhhaar. seems i didn't take a pic with you! she's gonna kill me. T.T] and the same bunch minus Janna plus hwee boonwe went out on friday. which is basically the day before. cause its officially sunday morning. and after uploading this bunch. i'm seriously heading off to bed. [prays uploading be fast] and i'll head off to bed. i still have that greenish toys that i haven't uploaded. another time prolly. heh.

thank you valerie for being so sweet. i really had a great time today chatting =) i hope there'll be more times like this. arhhar. its a nice nice neverending topic to chat on arhhar. and the encouragements. and whoo hoo. uncle steven toh's place rocks ok. simple white. cool. *i want it too. i had fun with the entire worship team. clare+uncle tony+joel+auntie annie+uncle steven and wife+joyce+val+alvin+ did i miss anyone out? =) i hope i didn't really fun. somehow. its been a long time since i seemingly seem to have such fun with church mates arhhar. thank you. for the great food. man can cook! aiyah! kungfu chops* uncle steven whoot. so sunday is coming. and i'll miss bowling with the YABF tomorrow. I'll be there in spirit. work's calling. *sheesh.

i've cropped the below pictures all cause. this pic with alvin is nice. but i look fat. i cut off my remaining fat arms. ahrhar. sheesh* thank you all. =) its fun arhhar. eating. the ppl!! over on Friday at Fish and Co. its a terribly small world. happie burfdae to clare! hoo hoo. i like the fonts of the captions. ITS NOT DONE BY ME. arhhar. its by Clare's friend. credits: Esther thank you gurl. ^^ here's all the cutie pies!!

now that's what i call massive uploading. honestly, i'm not the oh-so-patient person who will stand sitting down and clicking on blogger unless i've got a hell out of time. this server is crazily slow. and oh dear. its manual and like takes forever to load that the cows come home. i miss my nettiez account but i'm not used to that layout anyways. *sigh. arhhar. anyways, i'm turning in already. before i can't get my butt to work or end up burnt tomorrow morning til the whole day. missus kim yee will be away on a chalet. and i'm alone arhahr. prolly with the moms and my younger cousin or something. or sleep it off? nitey nite ppl. let tml worry for itself lah.

aey. this blogger, can type chinese already? *SCREAMS. 我要看王力宏<<盖色英雄>>演唱会!! i just saw the ad on U Mag. and later on teevee. eeee. actually i every concert also wanna go. i want to go to Emil Chau's one also. have all the money. go watch Shinhwa. MIN WOO. arhahar. see him dance around. and have the sufficient funds, arhahar. lets go watch westlife. huu huu. too many concerts it seems no time and funds wor.

anyways, i'm just really bored. i wanna scream. where the weather now is depriving me to eat as much as i feel hungry. but the thought of food isn't helping me either. just dont want to eat but you eat to fill your stupid stomach. totally crappy. arhhaar. *shrugs.

then today we had a meeting with Pek Siah which i think it was fine but now left with some work which i arhhar. don't feel like doing but you still gotta do it cause you have to! muarhahar. i had fun chatting with Yi Ling + Ashley + Pei Lian definitely fun just coming together and just chatting. least some gelling over there =) i hope Ash get's better as the weeks come. she's so tired! arhahar. poor gurl. =(

anyways, i'm just dreaming now. dreaming of arhhaar. studying what i desire most. don't know if i can get in there. arhahar. =)

somehow i think i heard God today. a voice right? i'm such a sudden person i also don't know what happens. i do things at times in a spur of a moment kind of thing. like a voice persuading me, "hey joyce, i think you need a backpack" for no apparent reasons. after being out with the 2 adorable Winnie and Choon Teck. such a joy being with them and it definitely makes me feels like the good old IBM days arhhar.

Ok. back to the backpacking talk. the thought actually hit me before some time ago that i might just need a backpack. *shrugs. then i thought in my head why in the world do i need one for seriously no apparent reasons. here's my conclusion.

1. Its not "in" at all anymore carrying backpacks. [BUT it might spark a come back with everyone becoming a hip-IT backpacker. lugging their laptops whereever they are]

2. It seriously look very student-ish [but i am one ain't i. how ironic T.T]

3. I think I might need a back pack one day don't I?

4. All the sleeping overs. forget lugging my sling baggies. i mean i lurve my east pak bag BUT arhhar. if u try putting in clothes and all. =) *grins. and do a day of shopping and lug it around before heading to my beloved's cousin's place. it kills my shoulders.

5. arhhar. i'm getting tired of holding mr laptop on my hand. what a hassle. lug it on my back? arhhar. tada! the backpack!!

In all, it's just something god-sent. arhahar. amen amen. =) then i walked by Shaw [where Prince is] passed by this backpack shop went in. and this red bag caught my eye. actually arhhar. what caught my eye was the design. then considered the price. reasonable lar. arhhar. i can't afford some Deuter. Jack Wolfskin isn't around anymore. i don't like Vertikal or Urban pretty common. arhahar. in the end i had a gut feeling i'll settle with this Kerrimor brand. i was really tempted by the Carribine [i think. that aussie. cool looking back pack] but it looks fat =( arhhar. *shrugs. anyways, i made my way down to Queensway to decide if i wanted to make do with a duffle bag or a backpack. something i like and i can afford arhhahar. [and when i saw those big 60litres bag. man i so wanna go backpacking. i'll keep dreaming till one day i'll be able to do it. the money. the maps. the knowledge. man. drive!! or yeah joyce. get your orientation right. for craps, i can't get it right till today. teachers anyone?]

adidas one looks nice. but eh. arhha. i ain't travelling. so went to the backpack store and walked a couple of rounds before deciding on the red one that caught my eye arhahar. =) $33 bucks for a backpack. yeah. well cushioned so i don't need to lug on my hand. stuff it in my baggie. and space enough for my small brolly [i never ever wanna get wet again. forever falling sick if i do! cause i get wet for quite a distance and my poor bags =(] and my water bottle. some things i'll never leave without arhhar. its like a habit now. brolly i've grown attached to and water bottles that all have a little story to tell. its people's good intentions. so yeah. =)

so yeah. i got it and its in use. i'll have to lug my lappy down tomorrow. omgosh. some meeting with our FYP cher Pek Siah. man she drives me and my mates mad. =( i don't have much of a good feeling about this entire meeting tomorrow cause its very unplanned and *sigh. i don't know what is it she'll be leading us one round again and when will she be giving the green light before we can meet the project's bosses. really, man. its so unsure. so uncertain i hate that feeling. its a feeling that i feel i have entirely 0 see. zero connection with her but i ain't got a choice. it just have to be that i have to be working with outrageously difficult to work with people [pregnant lady in those SIP days] and now great. i've got one more to go. God help!! i guess i'll just head back to my crying out days. its annoying. so helpless as a matter of fact. so strengthless. pretty tired. fighting this fights that can feel so alone at time. but you just have to persevere. what else. life's full of uncertainties. that through the uncertainties do you learn how to be certain. some random thoughts. God. get me through this man. final hurdle. fly joyce fly. pretty run out. bless everyone out there. facing whatever problems. hurdles. obstacles. God's grace and strength be on you. lurve u all.

joyce has officially screwed up again. ok. promise myself i won't do it again. i remember being told to not post it anywhere else, but i just killed myself. i think it took quite awhile before the memo came in really kindly that reminded me that i just did something i shouldnt have done. i'm sorry really for what i did. ain't anymore times. no more. =)

sucks totally to have screwed up. i hate it. and probably as a wake up call to know i'm in a pretty much screwed up in some sense. i feel myself being a joke of everything. in a moment of time i can feel glad at certain things but that sense of gladness all gets overwritten by this other feeling. of screwed-up ness. its like this word that spells or hangs around my neck saying "screwed up".

my sense of joy in myself is not in its all time high for all i know. my level of coldness in my jokes aren't as lame as it should be or it probably is but it doesn't last. i lost my sense for a moment of joking. the humour seemingly seems to have dissapated into thin air. gone. i hope its gone for a moment. let me get myself fixed first. i smile. i do the things i do, but this feeling's eating me somehow. arhhar. it stopped chomping but the bitten pieces that have been bit, needs some time to be healed.

cause things have moved abit too fast. so fast. i'm trying to catch up. pretend that i've done it. but in actual fact, i'm lagging behind. i don't wanna move on. i know i have to move on sooner or later, but for this apparent one, i seem to have stumbled.

like a little girl's eyes stuck on this favourite teddy bear in the shop. refusing to let that bear get out of sight of her. but her mom's pulls her tiny hand held by the bigger one urging her to move on. but the kid refuses to budge. couple of steps forward but the little girl's eyes are still stucked on the teddy bear. her mom decides, its alright the kid will catch up with her later. and decides to walk on. the kid stares on at that teddy bear which has caught her eyes. there's no tears in her eyes. cause she knows, she can only look on at it. she'll never get to bring it home [cause mommy thinks she has enough of bears at home to play with] to neither play with it nor either get the chance to even pat it on its head. [unless she plucks up enough courage to head in throguh that big store's door and just pat that bear for one time. and face the risk of either being chased out or being embarrassed by the store owner of "don't touch. its expensive." or it could be having that nice shop owner who decides to take the bear down from the store front and allow the little girl to play with it. if the shop's owner is the kindest soul on earth, he'll say, "ouh, great. i happen to have a poloroid camera, you look so cute with the bear. let me get a shot for myself and one more you".

and all in all. the little girl will come to realise. it'll be another one of those many walks down the shops, down the many streets which she'll walk, as she grows up. things may catch your eyes, but it doesn't equate to having that very thing that steals your attention. and to realise that to every thing out there, there'll be owners to the items. some might treat them like treasures, some might treat them like thrash. but you ain't got a say. cause some things are just meant, to be the way they are.

the little girl continues looking at the teddy bear from the store front. she dreams of the endless possibilities of how she might just be able to steal some time playing with the bear. fantasizing how nice the shop owner will be. snapping shots of her and mr teddy bear. just as her thoughts sank deeper, and the smile on her face grew wider. it had to come.

"darling, sweetie.." that familiar voice calling her, which she pondered for a moment who that person was for a moment. "that's sweet." she thought for a moment. but then the voice spoke again. "honey. dear.." this time with footsteps approaching fast behind her. *gasps. who's this person. and that person took her by her tiny hands. *little girl gets frightened*

she looks at the reflection of the glass window. "chey. mummy arh... -_-' , i thought who lar." mommy goes "you stare at the glass window, want to stare how long ar? like you're going into the glass window like that. don't need to enter the shop also already inside the shop lar. come on, this bear so not cute. come come, sure you can find one that'll be cuter. lets go." so little girl nods her head and proceeds walking on with her tiny hands held safely in the bigger ones of mommy. teddy bear will only remain in her memory for as long as she can remember. and only remain that way of something that can be cherished with what she saw that very day at the store front. she'll probably sneak by the shop after school and look on that bear till the bear finds an owner =)

*shrugs. i just felt like writing that out. that picture just came into my mind as i was just sitting down. having pictures of those scenes in my head. i'll never understand months back then, what is wrong with just keeping in a more regular contact with 1-2 of your regular guy mates. its always fine in the initial moments but it gets terribly wrong when those caring feelings as an ordinary friend turns out more than what you expected for. its painful the first time around. as though i didn't get the entire message of the first time, it had to hit me 2 weeks after i recovered from getting over Mr I. stucked in such a contridiction of myself, whereby i was singing praises last time of him months before, whereby whatever he texted me turned real sweet. but the off and cold treatment doesn't work dear. i'm tired and for me. its just something i have to face. if its God and my love. I'll choose God still. so I guess may you be blessed with someone who's more suited for you =) arhhar.

came another one. arhhar. now this time. this one was someone i asked for it [not blatantly asked for but my current situation, i have myself to blame only.. arhahar.] i blatantly gung-ho-ly just went on to chat as i always do [okok. sometimes do =)] i really enjoy the jokes you crack. your good sense of humour arhhaar. those feelings were inside me really way back young then. but those days, i doubt i'll ever understand the meaning of what it is. to the certain degrees of affections. it could fall in any of the inital categories. i never did tell arhhar. and i'm 19 now. i'll still never confess anything. beat me. smack me. i'll never confess. but the memories are still etched at the back of my head. the names you call others. duh. i guess i should just let them be the way they were back then. and till today. and the following days to come. =) for i guess i'm meant to be stucked on looking at the backs of you all. till i find an eventual reason for me to move on. which i think i probably have. stay happy both of you no matter where you are. and both of you have the same problem. believe. believe and you'll see. be happy.