these week by far has been ok not least till the end of the week whereby i seemingly seem to just revert to my favourite habit of keeping myself up in the room. stay inside the room and sort things out in my mind before i head out there and face more people, and especially him. i just don't wanna flare and throw my foul, lousy mood. which did worked out as i decided to skip church while he went to church and i just had myself in the room. quietly, laying on the bed, awake as i stared into space and try to get an explaination to the mess of emotions that i was having to myself.

pretty burnt out on saturday alone for goodness knows why. i think its from the rushing of one place to another, from home to vivo, then to vivo to bukit merah for dim sum lunch with jie jie, mama, jinyi, carol, jarrett and sukina. then to school then to little india. for dinner with his family. bushed. dead-tired i could only stone. and when he ended up talking to me, it was monosyllabic. and could only give the answer. "sorry, i'm tired". nothing really happened till we he was driving and we started talking. bout a small problem ahaha, he had, we both were sharing our opinions on the matter and somehow 2 tired souls talking and talking, i got pek chek. cause it just wasn't getting anywhere. should just stop, cause i was tired aaha. enough. and i got short fused as i went back to my room and could only think of a conclusion before i headed to sleep was purely cause i'm angry at myself. pek chek at myself that i couldn't do more to give more answers despite feeling tired, and giving better opinions to problems. just not giving enough of 100% eats me.

and at the back of my head, monday's coming. i don't know what am i fearing when i'm not the one sitting on the metal table. can't say i'm worrying either but its just so mixed up i'm in a mess today man. i only realised something was wrong with me after the conversation with him last night and he said "you're tired go to sleep" which was really true. then as i quieten myself down i remembered aunty chris asking me at church "are you ok?" didn't really strike me. not least till sunday came.

messed up cause when i feel inapt, when i can't give a 100% to the things and needs around me, when i know i could do previously, eats me. it ate me, and i'm still thinking whether would things be different if i did allow myself to listen to that call. but i'm that beat, the only provision i seem to be able to do is text. listening seems to be so tiring latley, i'm failing in that. not cause i don't wanna listen to people speak of their problems, my attention span shortened. ahaha. i'll get the gist and minus everything out.

with monday to go, tuesday's driving and saturday's dateline's for amca coming. and the video edits is still sitting behind my head. i want to clear everything of this, and not clear but make it a good one. God knows what's gonna pop up but i can only hold on by faith. things will go on, be done on time, and i'll be given the capacity to handle both the mind, emotions, body and my spiritual self man.

its strange when on the 15th i was giving and digging words of encouragement from God's word for my mom, and how on saturday and sunday, i'm putting it on whole for myself. and just stick to listening to Hillsong's - Lead Me to the Cross. i'm bushed. brushed. down and defeated. the feeling of laying on my bed just feeling nothing for this longest period of time, sorting out my thoughts to what exactly was i feeling.

i had crazy ideas. that is it i perceive to give high expectations to the things i do, and that i wanna outlive that expectation or maybe its just me to want to just give my utmost but then again, from time to time, i'm such a playful, quaint crazy fun fellow. its like i was trying to get myself connected to my serious-working side that somehow was lost lately, but i think found again. i don't know if its supposed to be a good thing or a perceived bad thing or whichever. but i suppose at the end of the day its just me.

and as i sorted out everything (this felt like the period of fyp strangely. where there's the work and people relationship going on) ahaha. the only saving grace i hope i could do was that i did my best to do what i could. i can only pray that God heals. i'm trying to not let it eat me. and as i stand firm and try to clear the incoming workload of work and starting to feel the major stress setting in. i'm sucked on to this mono cycle of life. i can't wait to get out of this. where its the holidays where i feel life's more than what it seems.

man damn i'm relunctant to get work moving. looking at the time. and i need to be up by 845am. and sleep. this is gonna be interesting. but at the end of the day, i'm thankful for him for at the end of the day, i was feeling little comforted. he said watching me jam the keys to the keyboards seems to help me distress and yes it does. i need outlets man. or i'll just coop up and just allow myself to be eaten up. and as i always use the words of encouragement on him, i received them back from him. so very funny. ahaha, but its true, may God's grace and strength see me through, its what i told him week in and out. ahaha. and its used on me. he's been lovely of late. its pretty unbelievable from time to time, compared to the crazy past 2 months. when he's thinking and has his senses working, its pretty unbelivable (positive side wise) and unbearable when the senses aren't working. that he's impressive both yesterday and today. pretty interesting like new things unrevelling and i just observe. grown to handle his emotions, situations so much better (and i wonder maybe leadership positions makes people think) and i should feel everyone should get a chance to be one and serve others and they'll learn to be sensible beings. servant leadership and not autocratic leadership i'm talking bout.

anyways, bottomline, he's been lovely despite this entire rundown i'm feeling. and i'm really thankful =)

i'm an emo dude this night. today's been a different day than usual choosing to spend it over with Carol at her place. bwhaha. 2 crazy monsters, digging at the new year pineapple tarts that are sooo good and peanut snack we finished the entire first layers to the peanut cookies. apparently my throat is still fine. had lunch, xiao yi cooked one. since i asked the little tiger if she wanted to eat her yuki yaki her much awaited and anticipated lunch but her mom's cooking and i had my share. yum yum =D

so cable watching with 2 persons laying flat on the sofas and couch. flipping through the channels. apart from feeling happy being able to watch Miu Kiu Wai on teevee cause "dicey business" is showing, i watch SHAUN THE SHEEP today. OMG. its so lovable. played bit of phoenix wright, hoping to end the damn game so i can start another part of it and i'm so stucked on zelda. as though i have so much time to play game. i don't ahaha. its seriously only the in betweens. travelling or slack time. that seems to be slipping and getting less and work stress is piling ever since the cny period ended which i wished it never ended but fat hope. all good things come to an end. *plays chris martin + nelly fertados "all good things come to an end".

slept. HAHAHA feeling larthegic at the sight of work ahaha i just end up all lazy but will kick up engine and get some reading done and go figure done. sigh. work work work. ahaha and i see the edits required to the video, pim pom piang all i hear is time time time. ahaha. i wished i never needed to sleep ahaha. solves everything but piang. we're only humans. aiya to whatever, hold on and i'll just say. "God will provide" and period.

been reading up on blogs seeing how people have been. that i kicked up some time to do the things i used to do so regular that i haven't did for at least for the past 4-6 months. soompi and minjong.com forums. korean news i rarely have been updating myself only with loads of tvb. AHAHH. starting up the engine for 2007 have been a quiet year to all my beloveds, not much dramas or movies i'm looking towards 2008. when i watched part of 07's Blue Dragon Awards, i could barely recognise it, cause it was really really not that glam, not much hype and it feels quiet. the eerie dead aura. sigh. i miss janggie, woosung, minjong, raewon, jinhee, seeing their familiar faces man. anyways so much for that.

i've been dreaming today on my way home. that i realised that its already end feb in no time (my god can you believe it?) we'll reach the first quarter of 08 in no time. i'm dreaming of the end to being a full time student. (when you're a student you wanna be a full time worker. when you're a full time worker, you wanna be a full-time student. and as usual, the grass is always greener on the other side). and i had this dream of back packing europe. yes and the desire gets stronger as i get older. get the money, get some pals. and move. as simple as that. i'm hoping and hoping. God will make this a cg thing. somehow, we said this before randomly, but i wonder how many still remember on this pact, some time long long time ago. i'm still holding on. and it came back today.

apparently my mind was working like a camera that seemed to clicked by shots. pictures of what i've seen janggie at rome. seungwoo at some parts of europe, at the train station, on the boat, and all. i had those shots and i felt i wanna be in one of them. and i realised at times, being a guy is so much easier to just want, pack your bags and go. girls people will keep talking bout safety not safe and all. it gets annoying when i just think of that that my train of thoughts just came to an abrupt stop. halt. period. and i'll end it with. "maybe one day". spoiler.

anyways, yes i am a dreamer when i was self reflecting on the train ride home from carol's place. and always have been a dreamer. working towards getting them real. cause they aren't that totally impossible ahhar. its fun. just keep moving baby. cny's been rather normal and for me, i always call it quiet. apart from the noise from little tiger (seeing her so bubbly reminds me of the old me) who somehow seem to be quieter as the years goes by. blah. she's the loudest and she really ain't need a loud hailer to be loud. her voice is loud enough.

hoping to get by, do the things i need to do. to everything the best to what i can do. and do the things that i've been called to do for. go. (sleep's calling me. heh) some work first eh joyce. be good. i suddenly feel older today somehow. i don't know why but as Minjong oppa was singing in my ears, it brought back memories of the jump year from secondary school to poly days that in an instance during that period of time, that poly years has ended ahaha. i looked back at myself and realised i did change some bits too. probably for the better. and i laugh at every stage of my life its been humbling experiences that helped me remain grounded. from the real da jie da (what. what's your problem. shut up. gui lan) till the huh oh so more reserved person ahaha. moving from authoritative to more autocratic style. hopefully to move to charismatic. and i dream of barrack obama. inspired. there's this aura in him. wadever. i could dream all day. glad and thankful i've come so far.

hoping to enjoy this weekend the anxiety is kicking in and all i can do is. prayers for recovery that the opt will be smooth lah, steady doc hands and speedy recovery for the patient. that's all i can do for her. watching from afar at times seems so safe but painful at times but yet many a times, its just to that, to how much people want your help. God get me through. :)

this is my new love. domo's out for now. go watch and support chang jiang 07. stephen chow is one frigging. cool creative fella. versatile not confined. and he knows how to tug the strings of your heart.

producer. scriptwriter. director. actor. now eat that mr jay chou. OWNZ. ahaha. GG. wadever. ahhh gahh i'm in love with the alien-doggie. its movie watch today wif jinyi, eric, carol, darius, me and my mom. ahaha. some kind of fun. *winks. 10 stars!! the magic of asian movies. which was the last one that captured me. was action and it was johnny to's exiled and another one called wo hu. hmm. yes. ahahaa and i can't resist "xiong di" lah. =D

i assure you when you walk out of the theatres, if you feel like you don't wanna own it ^ above. you may come over and bash me up. its that kind of feeling you know? ahaha great marketing introduction of product awareness. certainly have made the point known. full marks. YAHHHHHHHHHHH! i've been thinking of it, since i stepped out of the cinema. *sigh. wishing my da tou will become like ^. pretty far fetched. now dream on joyce. i'm a dreamer.

a domo a day. keeps the doctor away. bwahaha. my sis's idea. "say cheese" HAHAHAHA! =D she said anybody who comes to the blog should feel happy. and that's the whole idea. anyone who is feeling down should come to my blog. and come to blog and they will feel happy.

it'll be your sponge. TALK TO ME. I DON'T LIKE SPONGEBOB TO DOMO =D DOMO RULES =)