I was supposed to have spent time to write on my reflections which is the typical upon returning from trips but I never ever got down to writing it so I might as well type it out as I zone out in front of my desk for the moment.

What did I bring back - being asked by the person who drove on sunday (*hints + winks), who was finding out deeper into many areas of my life, to which I replied, to be reminded of the simple joys of life as I hung out with the kids and to pursue and dream the dreams they had. Plus the great relationships built with Rumeeshi and her entire cool parents :) The cute kids and people met has all been great!

But I think what the Sri Lankans really taught me was the reverence they had for the Lord. No one told them what to do but the atttitude they had in their hearts as they approached the communion table was one who had deep respect, love and gratitude they had but at the same time, approaching it with such humility.

Every person from a different nation carries this very heart that you can see that is evident in the locals, because of the environment and the usual circumstance/struggles that one will typically go through (yes, though none is exactly the same). So yeah, I think their heart to really serve was really moving :) Through little notions and yes, being Asians as always, warm and are lovely hosts.

I missed Taylor, yeap, never crave so hard for a guitar cause there wasn't any that we brought over but I did manage to touch one for a bit for a while, to just sing and play and worship for abit :D So yes, I know I'll never be left for a week without a guitar by my side. So that will make a list of the bible, ipod and now Taylor :D Yes, my prized possessions.

So it is still getting used back to chinese/singaporean food again. Been eating rice and curry too often now and still shaken from eating terrible catered food for Saturday's lunch, it is still fresh in my memory. Yes, I thank God for food but i'm still searching for my yummy meal. ahaha! So my mind will understand that food is yummy.

So what to do when you just can't think of anything to eat, I'm eating junk of Ramly and some fried champedak. Very, very unhealthy. hur hur. I want to roll on my bed like now. That's where joy is now :D

Pain is a very interesting matter. It either drives you towards a goal or drives you completely away from what you initially started out on or intended to.

Pain is like an indicator, it let's you know that there is something amiss, something's not right, you're not doing something right, something's wrong.

Once pain is felt, the discomfort it tells you, will either tell you to stop whatever you're doing and rest and when it heals, carry on with life and forget how the incident totally happened.

It could also push you on towards whatever you were working towards to so as to make your goal worth the efforts you've been spending on it.

It could also be your friend and company that you choose to befriend with, cause you got used to pain, you forgot what it was like without it and make you think that being in pain is natural and the normal.

So what is the natural? To be in pain or be pain free or continue fighting on and pressing on towards the goal despite pain, cause He will use the pain for good, if you trust Dr Jesus.

Its real hard and painful seeing someone you love be in pain and tell me say its normal, I'm fine and I don't need anyone. I wish I needn't care as if it isn't any of my business but it obviously fails, cause I was made the way I am. I cannot not care and it isn't a choice. Wake up your idea and start believing, what else can you be waking up for daily and not realise what's there more to be living without hope. Hope, love, peace, joy. Lose hope, lose all, kill joy. Is that natural? Cause everyone is in pain that's normal?

Tell me He isn't real, I'll beg to differ. I just happen to take a glance to the right of my screen to see what's the verse of the day, don't really do it daily, but as and whenever I blog, I took a glance. I love it when He reveals, a word is all I need. I was in a horrendous state this morning and I got a mail from Paris which is love really, thank you my dear Chass. I was relunctant to head to work, screw it, screw life, screw everything, I wanted my bed.

Didn't happen, I know that isn't it, but it felt real, or least the emotions felt like it gave me a warrant to do what I wanted. Screw it, headed off to the shower. Still felt dead, how am I going to get through the day. Dead.

Came out from the shower guess who greeted me, Lassie appeared magically in front of me. I didn't bring her up last night but she sat there, with her puppy face, smiling away, wagging her tail to greet you, Good Morning. Yes, of course I said good morning to her and ruffled her all over, and asked her "you figured eh?".

Ok I was feeling all sorts, the real struggle I figured wasn't about leaving anot, but the hardest struggle was to let my secret love/desire go. It was like I was supposed to let it go, so as to fit him. But I don't mind not going and I don't blame him, not angry at him, but I'll still keep my love, deep inside, whether or not ultimately I'll go, now or never, I'll still love it and I'll keep it.

So I plugged Misty into my ears and let it go, nothing happened, it was just music. Somewhere, somehow, the word "will" came out.

1st Verse: "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven".

I know there's a significance in the word will and it is often emphasised, ready to do your will, your will be done. Tons of lines and I figured, that there are no impossibilities, the only possibility was your will, that will will the impossible to happen.

I realised how important that key is, the key to alot of things is your will. Legacies are left behind by a will, heaven's will be done, if you will, will yourself to take faith and stand in that position and draw what you see with the eyes of your faith, that faith gives birth to a whole new realm of impossibilities because it is what you thought was not possible. Impossibilities are merely what the logical mind cannot conceive based on circumstances.

Willing allows the environment for obedience to take place and the notion of surrender comes almost naturally, that leaves everything what a man cannot do naturally but what He can do naturally and I guess, it is the exponential for the boundless impossibilities to happen.

I'm willing for anything to happen and it doesn't matter whether or not I leave, but not leaving doesn't change the fact of what's in me, for what I love and my ultimate love. I know for there's a will, there's always a way. A way I don't know exactly how it is, I know it will be.

Don't look at what I do, cause at times, they don't make sense or they wouldn't make much sense. Look into my heart and there it is. Nothing's changed. First love you shall always be and no matter what circumstances is, I still love You.

There is more to life than a stability of a job, home, family, friends, safety, love or money. The seeming stability won't work for me, and I'm seeking where would that more be, that would be able to work for me and satisfy.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me". - Pslams 51:12

I realised today that it is really easy to get disheartened, lose faith and just mull and sob and believe that there is nothing you can do.

It is easy to give up and lose all hope and faith, but the irony is that, faith is all you've got. What's there left if you lose faith? You stop hoping, you stop believing in people, you stop looking onto what He can do and you start looking at things based on your eyes and what you see. Next thing you know, you see nothing to believe in and start getting all cynical about everything cause you do not believe in hope or in faith anymore, you shut youself in, you think the worst of anything and every subject.

The downwards spiral, all cause you've lost faith. Nothing else I could do but pray, hope, wish and keep believing like I always do, cause I can't but He can. I thought getting by the papers was gonna make me rejoice and be glad. Now I've one more on hand. Discouraging, sad but I'll still choose what I always do, I choose to believe and have faith, its all I've got and its all I know. You know what's best and have plans to prosper and not to harm us.

Sometimes, it makes me wonder what size of a matter will really cause me to really stumble and fall, cause sometimes, it feels much easier to get swayed by your emotions and just quit believing. But if one doesn't press on, you're just gonna be a drifter, drifting along with life. I guess I rather fight till I die, till the very end, cause that's just You right? Fight the good fight, throw off everything that stumbles and run the race marked out for us. Give me strength once again to rise.