arhahar. i need to get myself worked. its like being idle for some moments or i've been doing really mundane jobs that i rarely keep my brains thinking. yes, i mean my mind thinks, but its of different matters. in anyways, i guess i need a sense of direction to be working towards to. shed some light. gain some enlightenment, get that forward movement going. its like my mind's telling me to go, but my body is frozen down on that spot.

tag board's down. everything's down. man i feel crappish these 2 days. mp3 player down. i'm not that down yet but its just annoying. but i just when i fall back on the discman, it brings back alot of memories for me. of secondary school. especially for a discman. i lost my discman. he likes music too. but he offered his discman to lend me arhahar cause he knew i can't stand silence. and bothered to burnt the cds i lost in the entire backpack. it was a gesture so simple, but it spoke alot. alot of things i have, i don't use but it doesn't meant i forgotten them all. all these precious moments are stored somewhere. away from the eyes but felt right down in my heart with a heart of gratitude. thank you.

the images are not that vivid anymore but they still are there at times i go on the court and shoot some hoops arhhaar. but its a happy feeling. the sweet feeling of memories of which i hold on to and smile. makes me feel young arhhar. once again. thinking back again, if i had not been so selfish, or if i chose that selfish at times, it could be different ending but actually, arhhaar. round there lar. =) hope you're getting on well. arhahar. i hope!

gotta get my body moving. arhhar. my mind's moving but my body ain't moving. like i'm stuck in somewhere arharhar. left my body somewhere they're not in tuned? its ok. tomorrow will be a better day. come on joyce! ajar ajar hwaiting. loves.

i'm feeling totally outraged. angry. disappointed. at myself.

(1) i made a blip. taking times whereby i dropped the player for granted, that it'll worked fine, i just blatantly allowed it to drop. and hoo. how would anything be unexpected when a mp3 player lands on the floor after falling some lengths from your table. who else to blame but yourself. totally useless me. i felt stupid for sure. careless. as usual. man what's new.

(2) In a hurry to get out, i actually forgot to bring my phone and arhhar. i was trying to get to school asap. its fine, starting to realise that i think i should take the trains to school cause its so much faster despite all the changes.

the only thing i was satisfied with myself. my 50m ouh maybe 100m sprint from the buzz shop at bedok interchange to the 69 bus, thank God there was enough students and people to hold up the bus, so i could board it. honestly, it was crazy but totally fun sprinting arhhar, i know i would have looked crazy but who cares. having a little fun. letting myself go of my stupidness and carelessness for a moment. =)

anyway. i'm just feeling blue. some kind of emotional roller coaster these days have been. God bless me.

actually this thing i don't intend of blogging it at all. but i really don't want to put on the glasses and hold a pen and write it down on my beloved book. too lazy rather so rant here yar.

its crazy. the way things went off. i sensed something anyways, arhahar. You sms-ing more and more regularly lately especially at nights. and it usually means one thing. cause when night hits, the alone peeps can't help but start wishing they had someone by their side. humans are really delicate creatures and you can't help nodding and agreeing more that every one here, bachelor or bachelorettes out there. wish you had someone, come on. who wouldn't?

and pop went everything. it spilled. arhhaar. the hidden thoughts and feelings you thought it was hidden wasn't really entirely hidden. it opened up fresh recollections for me, and a little of fresh wounds. its painful but ahrhaar. i guess i faced it calmly rather than with a rush of blood to the head. i'm thankful that i gave myself time to think about the things i believe in and the things that i started out doing.

a blind person must have been so blind to not have seen the definite 180 degrees change in the attitude that i had in him. yes i was looking on at someone else but it didn't mean i threw him all at a corner. i still cared. but the level wasn't that high anymore. for now, look into my eyes and search my conscience and heart and ask me who is in my side. no one. arhahar. no one stands there for the moment now again cause everything has become all blurry again. no image of anyone except for the usual suspects of the family and friends that are always around me and yes. what else can be missing and it cannot be missing, which is my constant in touch with God.

then i was turned back to the question which i told myself "we are so not gonna be ending up together" kind of thing. it was so definite an answer [not that i'm doubting now] but he and me knows the thing we've been keeping and we've been knowing the answers all along arhhaar. seems like we do know each other really well. we shared so much more about life and the things we want, the future, the current insides, the experiences, the opinions on matters. the likes and dislikes. the common thoughts we have on marriage, arhahar. its not on our minds arhhaar. our topics degresses very far yar. till kids ahrhar. we can go on forever. as usual.

but it spins back on the part, is this all part of the loneliness feelings that it gets the better hold of him. but arhahar. doesn't really matter to me as much as it is, cause stubborn as i am. i'm continue walking again arhahar. pick myself up, walk on again arhahar. we'll leave it off as we left off as friends and it remains that way arhahar. i don't have any guts to go against what will be the eventuals. it has happened arhahar, though different but when this one is one crazee eventual. when we stand by different faiths and different race. arhhar. beat that one. possible to many in many sense but for me, its impossible and honestly, i don't have and wouldn't want to go against it. You've got a great family there. and may it continue being peaceful and happy with one another lar. if its a belief that one couple has to belief in the same things they do, its the way it is and there's a reason why that was so. as much as i stand firmly on this point, it makes things so much easier. imagine doing the fasting together and stuffs like that, the family is whole. no grudges, no differences, all in one circular united team. and yes, its not on the faith alone, but alot of things lies with me and myself. arhhar. years ago it has been me and the problem still lies with myself but i'm fine. arhhaar. i'll stick to it. arhhaar. just grow old being single and serving the Lord lor. wharhhaahar. ok not funny. but i'm serious too.

i wish to tell this to him but i don't want to seem like one ignorant fool who only thinks bout myself and cares about my very own affairs. i couldn't. cause it'll definitely bring about a very strong stubborn side of myself, but this is one part i can't help not being stubborn with. but all i can say to him is we can remain friends and yes, asks him to keep his doors and windows open but all he diverts it to "i open them at the right time". i seriously hope he keeps tabs around him. matters of the heart are often fragile. and i'm being cautious with this and so is he. God keep this the way it is. you ain't getting younger. =) nice chap but its the way it is i supposse.

School's starting tomorrow and i'm geared up for this final sprint. i always lurve final laps. the word final sounds like something worth taking up every ounce of energy you have left and put it forward for that one push. i'm always like that. in anything, long distance, everything in the middle are so blurry. so up and down but when it comes to the final part, when the finishing line is in sight. i lurve having that outbursts of energy coming out. i'm bubbling up and down ready to meet everyone again but ahahrhaar, on a cautious note, 7 months and its a good deal to see how things and places and positions have changed. very interesting and things are already changing. it always does but thats life isn't it. you cant stop the changes from coming but you can change the way you react to this changes. mercy and grace to be all starting school tomorrow. again. its time to feel young. get stuck in that queue for that very bus. running rushing. dressing younger. looking shabbish. my dears. you're all seniors already. you made it this way. keep pushing. =) we'll get there. and give each other a pat on their backs. for a well deservedd 3 years of running and getting to a stage clear mode and to another phase of this long and ardeous journey callled. life. welcome aboard you ah pirates. you've just been taken on a ship. =) enjoy your journey ahead. rest well peeps. lurves.

hanging out wif the gurls today, Ashley, Linggie and Pei Lian arharhar. and Mr Wee along. like people observing. well its weird to be doing that in pretty formal clothes but hecks it was still done. =) and Linggie was soOo funny, with ashely doing her funny actions like -_-' arharhar. but she's cute. like when i made a comment :"xxxx's pretty lar, long hair, nice height, cute cute" she was like twirling her hair or something which was really cute lar her. having good ol' pure fun and what else can girls sit around besides talking about their ideal guys they look out around for and at the same time, what kind of a boyfriend you actually have/had kind of thing. arhahr. fact is that whilst the guy we dream for will always be different from the real thing =) and there was this Johnny Depp lookalike and a Guang Liang lookalike. oh wells.

anyways, i seriously feel fat today. 2 burgers incidentally. but oh wells. and i feel i'm shrinking. i'm gonna jump jump jump. i need to shoot some hoops lar. =) *yays. i want shoot a 3 pointer. arhahar. and continues dreaming. it always ends up air ball =(

sammie's coming tomorrow to Raffles, least i've got one more mate for lunch. and get to know one another more! muarharhahaahhahar. chaozz. and weirdly he sms-ed today like so out of the blue. i just remembered i didn't reply him when he asked me if i went to vivocity or not. lol. today was a good nite message, pity it doesn't feel the same way as i used to feel like really happy, but can feel that concerned part of him which is sweet. *sigh, you did it like 4-5 months back i'll be overjoyed really. i just fall in and out over a person so fast. arhahar. but you know if its not meant to be, one better stop procrastinating. its hard, then i fell for another one arhahar. but ssh. =) mr humour boy but i guess you can't change the hands of time. and i'll just let time pass me by. its fun liking someone arhahar. cause u sort of get the excuse of just stop doing it. without the in depths beautiful pain but then again, its an excuse! hope everyone stays happy lar. i'll just be happy if mr humour boy comes around as and when again. arhahar. he's cute and funny. nitey ppl.

i've been waiting for like today for the past weeks. CSI Miami My favourite. and there was a bonus for me for catching it. while todays episode was playing, midway when Speedle got shot, round there. came this song playing. it sang. i heard. and i paid attention. why does this tune sounds something different, that coldplay-ish feeling. and yes, i think its chris martin's voice. cause you can't miss his distinct voice, the way he sings and the way he pronounces his words out. whoa. i was so determined to find the song. and yeap. the show ended and i ran down, start up, 3-4 minutes took to track the song title down. i'm listening to it. i lurve it. its called where is my boy? - faultline (ft Chris Martin)

wells, anyways, last weeks been pretty much busy in church coming up with the banners and giggling with sammie, and it keeps me reminded of Cebu whenever i start moving around church more often. arhahar. i can't help it. but i really want to head back there whenever i can. beautiful place, and a place of beautiful people, and it will teach you life's most precious lessons of what happiness and contentment is. i lurve it there. happy to be at ease. and happy to be learning more from the Pinoys. so much to learn from them. and very inspiring above all, and being with the OM people and Bethany Peeps and kids! i miss them =)

time has been passing me by rather fast lately to come to think of it that when Pastor Sunil said it was only another 2 months and 3 weeks last sunday more towards the end of this year. its scary at the fact to realise that i feel the world is revolving at a faster pace, if you were to just sit down and just watch the world go by, you know what i mean. but that's ok but look at how happenings can just change one moment to another. its like a moment of split seconds kind of thing and that is scary. it will always pose a question of have you done enough? looking at the recent crisis looming, with North Korea playing nukes. it may be a matter of time, totally, before this whole place comes coming down. *shrugs. and andew hui has said on his blog, he drew this prediction whole list of it. now is coming to the nukes part. arhahar. everyone's taking up their nukes soon? world's getting crazier by the day. kind of makes me all determined to go for what i wanna do locally. fix it here, so least there's still never ending quality time in this world, even if its just one more day =)

can't imagine if the north's gonna strike my beloved south. its like Tae Guk Gi coming for real. after all the korean movies on their conflict with the Japanese, it seems to be heading for the north side. aigoo. anyways, just keep praying, everyone's happy. seems to me that i'll be working on at Raffles till school starts. tomorrow's group meeting. i'm hoping it'll be good. getting sleepy. washing up and off to lalaland. harhaar. maybe somethings deep down, i still look on occassionally though its been a longg longg time. may tomorrow be a better day. God bless.

hello. world. happy to be able to sit upright and sit in front of this computer to type. something i think i took it for granted at times until when you feel a sense of difficulty in getting up to sit upright to do the things that are on your 1001 to-do list you try to do everyday. but honestly, if you can't even sit up right, how to do the 1001 things that are listed on your list everyday.

i hate it. and i totally wish it didn't have to come along. i hate it when it happens. freaking cramps that are paralysing. good thing i could get my butt home. brings back memories of when the 1st time it happened, (today's the second time) the previous time, it was bad i literally felt i was crawling home from bedok. 50 mins of pain tolerance on the bus, and another 10 minute walk. i could do it back few months back. arhahar. i just couldn't tolerate it today. it was a 11 minute train ride from little india back to harborfront. i couldn't stand it i cabbed home to head to my bed and just roll on it and go to sleep. the best way of my medicine of treating cramps. totally shitty. just glad it's better now i can walk properly. *shrudders. i know i said. "God, i want to get back home" and the next thing i said "God, get me a taxi" it came. arhahahar. =) course rather, causing a little hole in the pocket which i didn't feel it was worthwhile but hello hole in the pocket and bye to the pain that i was having. i just wanted to lie down on my dear bed arhhaar. and roll over it. look at Pooh bear and my familiar settings and doze off to another land for a couple of hours.

anyway, feels a little larthegic but Pooh bear made me smile. arhahar its my favourite toy! cause it really makes me smile just by pressing it, feeling the beans. pressing its tummy and it'll go on nodding its head, making me smile. and when i play with his little arms, flapping it. it sure makes ppl laugh. made me laugh. i disturbed mummy with it too. she giggled along. =) whilst watching "family matters" on teevee. Thomas Ong is a greaat singapore actor. he's my favourite local artist along with Adrian Pang + Gurmit Singh + Xie Shaoguang + Li Nan Xing and ok lar. Add Christopher Lee and Darren Lim. no more. arhahar. the rest is no interest. i like the pioneer batch of them. =) thomas ong rocks my socks ^^, well, cause he makes every female lead he plays along with just so compatible. arhahar. i like him with jacelyn tay too. so oh wells. he's gooood.

i dunnoe comtemplating should i erm. just continue my sleep or just continue working on that report? *sigh. *eeks i don't know but i just wanna rest now. after initial plans of doing it today but i guess tomorrow ba. do it tomorrow. slp tite me. and the world. its getting crazy. hazy. unhealthy. yucks. i want to work on my wallpaper you know. after seeing Min Jong oppa's new pics. *sigh. so cute. Dong Gun oppa's sititng on my desktop now. cannot get enough of this 2. hotties. sweet dreams joyce.

for a moment i thought what on earth happened to this blogger, creating post, where the fonts function went to. i cannot stand the defaulted font arhahar. i like trebuchet. arhahar. and it as usual, took sometime to load. but its ok. after seeing it load as i type and appears, it brings back a sense of familiarity all over again.

*breathes* talking to 7th Aunt gives me a whole new in depths to the view of things. arhahar. definitely been sometime since i conversed in chinese or something. arharahr. i had alittle bit of difficulty but ok lar. it gets going after some time. but it adds a whole new sense and perspective to what i think, and feel arhahar. i feel old now. eeks. reeks of 20 coming up my way. after 21 its 31! sheesh. time passes by and its creepy. but nevertheless, having heart to heart talks on all issues under the earth is fun. i think i talk to her more than my mom. arhhaar. i talk to everyone else more than i talk to my mom. 7th aunt is wayy cool arhahar. i like chatting like that. never have much of a chance with mummy. maybe its just a little different approaching someone or? *shrugs. arhahar. i don't know lar. i respect moms who just opens up and talks the way they do. they feel understood i understand them. that's how it works and many a times, aharhar, love to spend time with 7th Aunt =) she's a cool aunt and course, i've my cool mom too. makes me blessed to be in the midst of this.

anyway, either i'm thinking alot during these free time [which i very likely feel is the cause] and worrying more these days. arhahar. or maybe just getting too bothered by what's going on. it makes me realise alot more things and more the more fact is that when one person comes the other goes. its ok on a hand but i'm just at times wondering why things are the way it is. am i biased or am i trying to get too bothered. i don't know. maybe its different working styles maybe its just me and her being able to work really well and having that kind of work styles that isn't a one size fits all kind of thing. i don't know but i'm just praying things will work out and see the light at the end of the tunnel. times its a sick feeling, but i just hope to see things coming out well. its a count down and there's only 3 more weeks to go. another 3 months has passed me by. and more or less aharhar. call it a time of rejuvenation. recharge. rearing to go but cautious not to ram into any incoming wall is what i call myself. *shrugs. i wanna get this over and done with. arharhar.

reflecting alot but it spells belief. belief in myself. belief in the things i do. belief in the things i belief in. belief in the things that ppl have. belief in the things that ppl do. its just been going on and on. belief in the things i want to do, hangs at the back of my head. having that belief in doing the things i want to do. i hope i do have it and do it. or maybe i'll keep dreaming arhahar. never mind. maybe uncertainty just teaches you to hang on to the things in which you are certain. and i'm hanging on =)