I just realized how stubborn I was, unimaginable but rather capable of it once I set my mind on it to finish certain things that I do, I'll do it or have no rest. To only realize the consequences of it till I finish watching it, I start to think if it was worthwhile and pushing my body I sure do know how to do it, thinking you're still young and invincible. I laugh at myself as I felt Him saying "see how stubborn you are, really not giving up till you really collapse?" and that is the truth of me. Really not thinking much about things that I just want to have the best of everything which simply results in me eating into my sleeping time and Him reminding me of my limitations of my finite mortal body and it's capabilities of failing you if you don't look after it, and Him telling me "your body is a holy temple", I nodded and apologized as I went off to bed.

The saving grace is that I am not feverish so I am not too terribly grouchy but I realize the magnitude and that we will have to make choices and establishing certain disciplines if we desire to eanestly seek Him, if we are to truly desire after Him, then we will have to will ourselves to choose to give up certain pursuits so we're focused and not all over the place or spreading ourselves way too thin and to realize the importance of resting in His presence.

I realize how selfish humans are capable of - how often we desire intimacy but not willing to desire the portion of relationship. We all love shortcuts, we're all after the feel good but not desiring the things that might not be all about the feelings. Love to begin with, wasn't about feelings but of a commitment to each other, to spend time and enjoy each other, to be truthful and to share and be willing to learn and to accept each other. There, head knowledge but I often tend to wonder, how many strive to live it out in their earthly relationships and have a different perspective on God.

So when I'm capable in being so driven to catch Athena, if I could do the same drive in the things I should be doing, it would have just been great but have taken steps in sticking up the strips of magnetic papers up to jot my physical mind and note to myself of what I should be adopting more of - prayers.

I'll be good! Haha I promised, I'm sick of being sick to be reminded of what I should be doing:)

I heard Ganpaps using this word today, and the word in itself, sparked a whole list of thoughts in my head - Relentless. Yes for He is relentless, His personality is, the way He works is, and His love is relentless. Just spent the Saturday resting cause I need it and cause my body tells me too, fighting another bout of incoming flu but this time round, I'm fighting it cause hello, I just had it two weeks ago and really don't want t go through another tissue stopping time.

Feeling better, rested and when your body is rested, my mind tends to get active and haha, I was thinking of my twin and as I open up the comp to just watch an episode of Athena, I was thinking of you. Yes you've not been yourself and I miss the times of random chitter chatters that we have that seems like every other thing but when it stops, I start to think what's going on because I know something's not right cause you've been awfully quiet and the replies that you give tells me enough, you're not yourself.

Wished I was online but I'm only one me and I am human haha. It was a great time at City Space with a intimate time out with En Min and Jacob and when I said intimate, it is purely only because it is where everyone can be themselves, are themselves and we share our stories and perhaps in that sense, dreams. Being with people and just having the luxury of ease that people can be unpretentious gets be at ease of themselves, is one of the greatest joys of being around people, and the only reason why I believe it is the beauty of what we can call a community of people who really do share their lives. I don't need the deepest end of things but when everyone gets real, and is real, the genuineness is just so precious, savored and enjoyed. You don't have to try too hard to put on a mask or defense because there really isn't any need to because they are both all so dear to me.

I realized at the end of the end of the day, perhaps what makes me charming and yet at the same time, demanding, is purely because of the value I place in being real or genuine. It becomes demanding to those who can't be real or be themselves because I realized, I'm ok with anything, our failures, pasts, sins, but totally not okay when we have to pretend we're okay when I know we're not.

And perhaps that is why I realize it can be demanding but yet at the same time, to realize that it is okay to not be okay if we can be okay with it and do something in order to be okay about it. Cool, but yeah, so we all can be truthful and share what is really bothering us deep down, share our struggles, be real, do something about it and pray for each other. Somehow, someway, we'll fall short but we're all in the making.

I woke up thinking about pictures and colors and ended up looking at Nikon cams just to please my eyes and colors, the camera is able to capture like the current Canon camera won't do. Ended up staring at some more gears only to tell myself, I should just head outside and take some shots huh. :) I am so random and yes I shall just do that after doing some good amount of read ups eh :)

I must be funny.

I was just checking when was the last time since I last blogged, and yes, it has been a long time. There are times where I should blog but I often end up journaling, as long as there is an outlet to release and pen down my thoughts that I can refer to, I'm fine.

And whoa, I often wonder how these random surfers chance upon this blog haha. But in any cases, hope you had fun around:)

Tons of happenings since December and as 2010 came to a close and interesting to see how my journey of bumping my way around has taught me and I have learnt alot. It has been a great eye opener and a time to challenge head on, every single doubt, myths, common beliefs, thoughts, emotions and convictions. It has been humbling but it is a time of what it feels like, as I chatted with Ganpaps, that I had this picture of myself. I saw myself like David, who was this humble, average, typical, shepherd boy, tending after his sheeps, nothing peculiar, easily overlooked but there, God had greater plans for him.

I guess we all have various training ground, and here I am. Whipping my catapult daily, and shooting random stones at the wool of sheeps, bleating around. Sounds ridiculous but eh, it is how I feel at times when I head in to work (just when i thought that is just a matter between me and God), someone has seen the face and does know how I feel. (craps, I can't hide under the radar of his eh? haha) But it was a good chat that as I talked (talking with him always makes me ponder more) and realize and how he often causes me to confront my thoughts or verbalize them.

In any cases, while talking I realized it is a time of figuring when it is time to head out from the place of rest, to "Go" and when it is time to head back high into the mountains and be there and pray or spend time communing with Him and how to do both and finding a balance and space for both to be lived out.

You can't do one without the other, and the need to live both out is important, otherwise we'll just be going based on needs/wants and merely going through activities and motions. That is to answer the portion of "Go"-ing and forgetting on the aspect of heading back up to the mountains.

Praying gives purpose and direction that I suppose steers the rudders of your ship as convictions are built and lived out from those periods of times that you cry out to Him. Directions and wisdom comes as you wait upon Him too :) So it is quite strange and odd that we do not spend that amount of time in the quiet places where the need is such a to-die-for.

It is never easy developing a heart for prayers but it comes, as you desire after it and hunger and thirst for it, it only becomes what should be and only natural. Never straight forward or easy but it is the fun of journeying through to realize what cannot be done by human's will but a thing of only what He can do. I guess the hunger is just brewing, and yeap, I can just imagine myself breaking forth till I can't take it anymore, intercessing more than never before, I'm left to be down on my knees weeping for the very people and things that stirs me and that He has convicted me with.

Scary and uhm, not quite me for now, but it'll be good since I always wonder what is it like spending hours and hours just praying and crying out loud. Reading and looking at pictures of people being so convicted about things, that they prostrate themselves on the floor and just weep about what is upon their hearts, always makes me go fwah about it. It is one matter to just know about it but but experiencing and doing it, are such complete matters and worlds apart, but the greatest joy, is always having the opportunity to experience and know what is on His mind and heart:)

Watch what your random thoughts say, so much so for "break my heart for what breaks yours" and think that no one hears, I'm pretty sure He does and He probably laughs at our very random remark that we shake it off and go "yeah right" and He goes "oh yes, you are right" and how things goes from there.

Enjoying every moment I can have a time out in my room just being quiet, at times reading, at times just listening to such love songs sung out - Misty Edwards - I am Yours, that moment is just soo sweet. Every single time I hear the very sound of the keys running in the song, I go "I wanna play and sing like that too", songs filled with such love and desire for the ultimate lover:)


Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though It's night, on You I wait

(repeat)

It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry
So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again
For when I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned

Beautiful and beautiful it is, I loop it over and over. Haha. And when I was googling on my thoughts on David.

"David was the eighth and youngest son of Jesse, from Bethlehem. He was a strong, healthy lad, apparently with an uncommon characteristic among his people of the time - red hair. He was a Shepherd from an early age, and developed his courage and fighting skills by defending the flocks from the wild animals, including lions and bears, that preyed upon them. The free time that being a shepherd provided also allowed him to develop two other skills, that of music and poetry. David was a warrior, and a writer of psalms."

Perhaps explains why I always love to have red hair? Jokes aside, but I love what was written on the free time aspect, it is what I love to do and am doing:D

Yes to rest now, hope flu bug leaves me, bye!