its funny how a couple of days i was blogging the happier times of life. the times at melaka, the time of sharing and fellowshipping. then yesterday was enjoying emo boy's time together. that the absence we have have taught us what it is to appreciate the times spent together, harhar, no matter what the coming of the mays may be. had fun yesterday, chatting, while he was being a cat, him playing his fender bass (it is utterly swanking looking no doubt. red white, lecquered fretboard. what life is that?!), and me on his kapok guitar harhar in his room. i was itching to pressing some frets and strumming some stuff, and since chris daughtry was added to the playlist, i was just playing to it. i missed the absence of the yamaha guitar arhahar. certainly not the best but least it was something that sounded familiar.

then today again, it was a morning start off at marina with Glenda at K box. arhhaar, sing with the lunch, and its ok lar, 12 bucks for some joy. then Lydia came along hee hee and we did some shopping around, had some bites at HK cafe. food prices ain't heacy on the pockets but the rise in the gst tax just makes it a chore and a burden to the pockets.

shopped and i got myself a new pair of decent swanky looking gold slippers arhahar. affordable and apparently the soles are said that they are not that easily worn out so why not have the try. i wanted to get it over at MY but apparently, they don't ship in sizes more than 7. i wear an 8. glad to find it today sitting in front of me as we entered the shoe shop.

mobile rang. mom was asking me to head out for dinner on my own, home's not cooking. she was in the hospital. granny's been there since a couple of weeks ago. all day long when i ask apart from that couple of visits down was she's ok. still at the phone call i asked again if she was ok. mom said ok. okay. carried on looking around.

not too long after, some 30 mins later i got a call to say she passed. shock in a whole new sense, cause i thought my mom was pulling my leg. but i mean who would joke on a thing like that. to a person departure, i guess we might seek on the comfort on the reason behind it, which i asked was she developed a fever yesterday, haven't been well today. gone. just like that.

thing's that the moment i'm alive, i haven't really seen my grandpa's from both maternal or paternal sides. paternal granny was more of a jovial light hearted granny who would cook great dishes (i love them and i miss them) and i remember every new years when we came she would smile. when we left i would give that funny opening and closing of my hands as a sign of bye to her. she left too early, then i was prolly in my secondary school. this time is my maternal side who bidded farewell too.

i know i wasn't the kid who really sat at the lap of their grandparents or listen to stories to them or was really close to them, but my sense of regret is really, i don't understand myself. har, how come i don't speak any dialects. that i'm weird, apart from the english, chinese i speak more bahasa indon than any dialects. if i were to listen to it, many a times i go by the general feeling, of what the conversation was about. failed in a way cause there wasn't really a closer relationship built with the grandmas. maybe family situations may kind of hinder it, but har. i do ask myself "is that all?" - all that you can do?

often enough, the ironic part of life that i seem to realise, prolly most of the time is that we tend to feel the real presence of a very person, is through their absence, that we seem to realise the importance or value of that person you hold in your heart, in worst case scenarios, is only when they're gone. pa grandma was an excellent cook :) happy jovial. ma grandma was more of the solemn, quiet one.

its ok. i'll think of jin yi's paternal grandma. arhhaar she very cute de. least there's chinese i can speak to her!!! arharhar. :) and seek joy in a matter of fact that maybe. circumstance allows you to easily draw closer to one, or just mere hi bye smile relationships. growing up isn't the funnest part as to what i pressumed i wanted it to be. cause when i'm small, i wanted to grow up, be independent, do the things you're supposed to do it, decently, that you don't get bullied. you grow your own convictions and stand firm on them. now that i'm 20, har, there's more to meet the eyes lar. more issues that comes hitting your way and you learn more lessons :).

emo emo emo ah joy. pity to little tiger - my lil cousin, carol. won't be having a happy celebration for her birthday. shit happens and its been happening time and again on her b'dae. well, hope God makes a change this time round :) make a difference to her on that day, despite the difficult situation going on :). that finally when i'm 20, and she's 16, i've finally managed to shower her love and care, hang out and chat with her be siao char borhs. something i learnt along as i grew older. i hated her harhar when i was younger. when i have the perceived notion that my mom dotes on her more than me. it did seem like it when i was young, but you know, you learn to face the issues face to face, that if i learnt to see it from mom's perception, you could see more.

like what jojo omma said. "we tend to be more harsh on our love ones." i'm glad things are the way they are now. happy with little tiger. harhahr. and mother tiger (mu lao hu) *that's jin yi* =X harhar.

so in any alls, its just standing by each other, and the stuff's till sunday. and monday is school. whilst i'm trying to cope the end of zhuo boh-ness. i'm feeling the daunting-ness of it. work, hectic busy-ness coming in. period like this, what more can i do. apart from continue seeking God's strength and in faith. keep praying and holding on man. welcome to the roller coaster ride. it'll be lovely if you hold on to your dear seats and belts.

thank you girls, emo boy. glenda + jacob with dinner. at botak jones. tushan alvin. the little chats. on msn, :) adds that lil smile on it. like that yellow smiley. :) i love it since young and i still love it. smile. keeps you going for another day, as good as hope. everything will get better. awsome stuff.

thinking back, i was tearing on the bus when i heard Chris Daughtry - Home on the radio to kampung kembangan. the image of that song apparently didn't come to me as a love song. (I'm going home..) over and over again. my definition and picture of home was a place of rest. after a long hard day of journey, all you want is that peace and rest. suddenly the lines

(You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me)

i was referencing the lyrics of that part like a worship song. =X The love from the above. arhhar. strange strange. its a circular song. goodness. arahar and its a love, bgr song. whatever i was thinking. my mind must have been cranky. but good. cause it was always during long bus rides to school that kept me going, the tearing once in a while. (: just marvelling under the blue skies and clouds. keeps me going. i loveee feeling small. awesome stuff.

now i take another perception. same song.

(I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home)

to my ah ma. :) going home. God bless your soul, rest in peace. to the mourning, grant them peace and rest as they go through these moment. to the ones, who haven't been respecting ah ma. awaken them up and let them see what they've been doing and do some reflection, if you haven't treat ah ma with the all due respect you should be, hopefully sees and realises what they've been doing and be sorry about it.

so which means i won't be at BAG and on church service on sunday. teochew processions on till sunday. prayers prayers, pray along with me pls (:

hello. *ark + bites. homey home home. feels great wor. so happy to be back actually. after the Melaka trip, i just realised how i cannot make do and live without Singapore's water. it just tastes different overseas, and overseas, its just always mineral water in bottles and i only like them chilled. room temperature is just yucky. being quite a rather water person, i actually managed to live with just a tiny glass of water daily, and its mostly juice and can drinks. good to be back, and its a great time catching up with the few youths and getting to joke and spend time with them! thou shalt upload some pictures. taken with Aunty Lee Cher's Casio Ex Slim's camera. i think its some 5.0 mp camera. or was it a 7mp but whatever. arhahar. let's see.

here's the group picture of the people who stayed the extra day after the camp. erh, i was too excited snapping pictures away. muarhahar =) point and shoot, no hassles. and i think it took some 6 shots before you got something cute. arhahar. :)

i like this train picture. actually i lovee the train, arhahar, but too long to get it to fit into a picture. i might as well settle with uncle henry + ah bi in the pic. arhaahr. *runs to take the shot.


and this pic was taken with some shots back to back to get the wee. effect of playing on a swing. Ah Bi is simply irresistably adorably cute. lurvee her. and she loves Sparky my blue eccentric looking giraffe hippo. i still believe its a giraffee ok. she goes "Sparkie where?" so cute.

and i lovee this picture i self took so proud arhhaar. (: its not my camera but self aim. pass. hee hee. i'm a zhi lian kuang. wee! i like the messy hair muarhhaahrar. (: its a pic of kirstie + me muarhhaar. kawaii ne. (erm hmm* i stole that phrase from someone) bleah.

and more. muarhaharh!!! i loved the yellow lines at the background. my face -_-'. cm. iarhhar. kirst's cute. and i was showing that ^^ face. arhahar. and the above pic. i like my face. arhahar, "attitude" like i just crossed the road with the heck care attitude, and kirst *eyes wide open* i couldn't believe you just did that!. wharahar. its for fun, i dunnoe how the outcome became that way wharhaar. (Opps* my bellies popping out. Sorry bout that one. but oei, i'm not that fat leh) arhhaar. and the final pic of me that was supposed to be the pose lar. arhahar happie! (*man, i look like i drink a dozen of beer daily, look ma, beer belly. *slaps) oh whatever. arhahar *pouts.

i'm carrying ah Bi, lifting her up to my eye level so she can be seen. Kirstie, Raelene, Aunty Lee Cher (my roommate! she's awesome and cool and fun. suits my 12am madness that i have.) and that's Kelda. whahar. Yes, Ah Bi, Kirstie and Kelda = sisters. muarhahar.

now its ah bi up close. wharhaar. of course, self taken protrait. i'm a cam whore. whoot* ah bi ah bi ah bi. so cute. 200% yays!


and here's boyish Josiah + Keith having their bowls of chendol. strangely, i was never a fan of chendol, and i realised melaka don't have tao hui!!! HOW CAN? oh wells, ahahar, ew to coconut milk. arhahar. yays to soya. getting to know josiah + keith + caleb has been fun. quick bring out the cards and lets have tai di company :) with kirstie and we'll have our turns. wee. i feel old lately, but hanging out with youths rejuvenates me. :) and harhar, Keith's my supposed seeing each other partner. arhahar, ridiculous how the rumour went about, since we both sat out of the restaurant and chatted since it was cramp inside. and its white tea / coffee. ew. i'm phobic to it, i just like my ice blended mocha can liao. *shudders. ouh and keith's psp is his first "wife". and i'm just a concubine -_-' harhar. but his white wife is so sexy, i'm tempted to get one toooo. see, i'm so hua xin. one moment i want a nintendo ds. then later i want a psp. but i still dream of having a taylor guit. arhahar, for the fun and hopefully the motivating factor to play more on it. but aiyah, maybe just settle for a takamine? no money sucks. i wished i worked more :(

in all, thank you all for the great pictures and to Aunty Lee Cher for uploading them and burning them to the discs. arhahar. i'm tempted to make a video and pic of ah bi. another time ba. arhahaar. and ah bi loves barney. arhahar. sooo cute.

trip wise, i'm back home. moaning in a sense cause my bumping days are so gonna be over. school resumes back for me on the 2nd of July and that means i don't get to slack and slouch and lie in front of the bed in front of the cable and just press the remote all day long. arhhar, good maybe, will i get my ass moving around to do more fruitful things like learning how to drive, and least arhahar, play the guit better or speak better cantonese from the book. i'm so lazyy!! and when school starts, Michael Miu Kiu Wai will be on cable arhahra channel 55. Some shanghai period drama, and *screams. he's so man man, can't wait. i'm currently hooked on the same channel's revolving doors of vengeance. Ron Ng rocks and the twist comes in when Joe Ma appears that he isn't as bad as he seems. good plot. but aiyo, the baddies need a better strategy in trying to uproot the good, so predictable. pleah. i cringe when the baddies try to hard. but oh wells. Ron Ng's cute arhhaar.

and its raining now. good stuff. probably laze around and go to sleep arhahar, i've just been on hibernating mode lately and all i wanna do is laze around and sleep. He's back now, safely, that i can rest in a way. harhar, thank God :) bits of worries around but ok lar, all the hk drama watching i wanna eat tao hui and egg tart which i'll prolly do it tml alone ahahar, spend some solitude time and watch the world go by, while the boy rest. arhahar. :)

look around, feel around, catch some people walking the things they do and wear. watch the world go by i guess. gather some thoughts, and reflect abit before life starts spinning another couple of few rounds you can't breathe. :) reading all the articles on the global warming and the effects isn't doing anything much, except just securing the gut feeling that this world is ending much sooner than we thought. ahrhar, just thought i should just appreciate every single day and people to the fullest :) enjoy the blue skies and rain while it is still lovely with its mild nature. imagine a day whereby the rain gets violent, turns into some storms or floods, and where clouds ain't blue anymore. but all you see is darkness or grey skies. arhhar. how extreme. LOL. random thoughts since cooping in my room for some days :)

i think i'm tanner now. arhharar. *deillusionise myself* since my watch has the mark on my hand arhhar. and i realise i can be rather a procrastinator man. :) and mummy just kua-ed me. something that i was working for when i was younger, but i just stopped arhhaar, too tiring. she said "among the 3 of you all, you're the smartest" - oh really? arhahar i thought to myself. maybe i am or maybe i'm not. but it didn't matter too much to me anymore. you realise there'll always be ppl better than you and be humble, don't step on other's pride to lift yourself higher. so i'm just happy being who i am. like what ji jin hee says, "i needn't be the best, or neither do i strive to be the worst. i just work to be among the best" whow. i like that. arhahar :) so me.

its raining, as i was hoping, so hoping all of you all sleep tight and enjoy the great winds and the sound of the platterings without being all drenched and wet. hug your teddies and your blankets tight.

i'm having this bunch of emotions. arhahar. today only. but mostly spurred on by daddy. the word, the spelling, i rarely do spell them out, with the exceptions if i'm referring to the Godly version of a daddy.

the emotion of a spur that i wanna write all my feelings down of him arhahar. or basically, it was the thought of wishing him a happy fathers' day, something in wish i never seemed to have been able to do arhahar. for the past 20 years, but cause lately, been listening on the radio and the talks on all the fathers' day thingy. it was like, i think i could do something.

harhar, so funny, i'm leaving for malaysia for from tml till the 20th, its short, but i don't know why i got the urge to leave messages behind arhahar. its very strange but oh whatever. arhahar, i have the urge to write to mommy, and him arhahar. i wrote to the later already, leaving the pen and paper till before i turn in and prolly scribble some note that says "happy fathers day". and leave it on the windscreen of his car. i wonder why the sudden thoughts of doing so, is it cause i won't be facing him for the next couple of days that i got the courage to do it, or is it cause i'm doing it purely cause i felt like doing it. arhahar. weird. i think internet mommy's gonna be proud of me if i did it arhahrar. "joyce, forgive your dad". uhmm, prolly its high time yar arhahar :)

enough of dad talk, i haven't been blogging much but have been writing quite a bit in my black book in which stores a more private thoughts arhahar. away from suspicious eyes. muahrhaar =)

anyway, for the YAya camp, i felt bad not turning up for the east coast to the last day, and i think and hope i haven't cause too much of an inconvenience. could be excused for that day i left for SIM, and was really tired out. i just felt like sleeping man. travelling, late nite the previous nites, the heat, the worries. arhahar, it continued till the final day of camp, i couldn't wake up in the morning. oops. :( ouh wells, shouldn't be an excuse either yar. sorry sorry :( and sorry to emo boy, i never meant to let you wait actually, some guilt factor, but never mind. i did made it up with a personal delivery i hope. that's to the extent i'll go when i mean i'm sorry and that i was really gonna head out to meet you for dinner.

anyways, i'm feeling emo now. arhahar reflecting on the ride i took home. that when i was crossing the road home, that it daunt onto me that one moment, i was left hanging w/o a place to go, and now that i'm heading to SIM to do marketing, i'm just thinking what's all gonna be installed for me. being rejected and not approved by the school in the things you love doing, doing what's next of best of what i love doing. arhahar, when i was sitting and listening to the introduction talk on marketing, i realised the love developed cause of arhahahar, miss pei lian always goes "wei, your favourite teacher" arhahar. yar, Mr Seow. i'll always remember him for his smile, his antics, his "graveyard hour", whar seh, him in class, i damn alert and sharp, arhahar. and on graduation how he keep shaking my hand, cause i keep walking past him and he goes "congratulations" with that teethy smile he always have. i think i have that adoreness of him, and that respect for him, (and Mr Lim Kok Yau + Mr Johannes Kuah) cause har, the additional factor is that they just seem to have that fatherly aura on them. hee hee. its evident in Mr Seow muahrahar. :) so nice and funny. the way he taught marketing, arhrahar, i wanna do it too. arhahar. cause somehow i think i wanna work in an events/ arts and media company hopefully one day. I dream of Oglivy and Mather. arhahra. i remembered when i saw that ad, of all the budding advertisers, marketers it was some arty farty ad poster, but i loved that ad. character, colour, position, fonts. whoo, made it look "WHOA" arhahar. and all the selected people standing, sitting, some with arms crossed but all with that confident look and their names, with the company they're working from arhahar. Oglivy and Mather i read, and i was like "whoa. brand brand!!" arhahar.

i think everything's suddenly falling too fast into place, i need time to breathe and think and accept them arhhaar. i remember being like in the pits arhahar, thinking of the 1000 what ifs. arhahar, but yes, i get to stay her in Sg. and trying to accept the fact that it is probably my last 1.5 years of school? and its full time, whoa, it kind of scares me in a way. harhaar, how ready am i for that world. whoo, one side of me says "come on its time to bring some money home". i dream of my house, beautifully furnished, one nice car, arhhaar. but hor is dream lar, i seriously wonder what it feels like owning a place on my own. *grins. i'm dreaming. move out away from suspicious eyes if the sister in law moves in. ew. *shudders* my own private space too. cause i'm sure i'm gonna be annoying her if i start turning up the volumes of my music, my tv, my radio, my guitar, my voice, my phone calls. wharhahar.

but the other side says "har, whoo wait a minute, money comes but it also comes with working with people nice and nasty" arhahar, i think i did have my fair bits of nasty people who are out to get you. but take comfort in being living saints people who just made work hell, rather heavenly. the 1000 and one things on my head. i'm feeling so apologetic for the "screw-ups" today, like "no joyce, you could do better than that"

but arhar, i think its the thoughts in my head, future screwing my mind up. but its ok, i'm just glad i have a faith to lean on on times like that, and just hang in there as though you're hanging for your dear life, and let all the waves sweep and curl and calm down at the end. :)

and i know, i wanna drive badly. know why? i'm so turned on by what "healing hands 3" did. or rather the initial parts to the series too, grab the car, just drive it up to a nice, quiet, place. not to do anything fishy, but enjoy the great wind, blowing at your face as you stand by the doors of your parked car, with your arms folded. whoa. being quiet, still, not moving and feel the breeze, makes me feel alive definitely. be great if there'll be great view to view, like above kent ridge park. that's all i've seen for now. till i find a better and greater place. with height. remains my dream still for sometime, and it still is.

arhhaar. joyce is dreaming once again. always. :) i'm such a dreamer. but yar, some dreams make you wanna work for it, some dreams help you keep up with reality, draw that line, that some things are good that it remains just dreams, while some are worth fighting for. :) like watching teevee and just smile at the cute guys on it, arhahar, but that's all, laugh at their funny antics, they're just tv stuffs. arhhar. look at them laugh it off and smile. like when tony leung give that cute smile, i'll smile along arhahar, but that's it ahrhaar, smile and face another day :) you have to. otherwise, life's so boring. muarhhaar, find your entertainment please. (now where's Da Tou?) and did i say, i've packed Sparky into the bag, cause its the only one that's handy and soft.

at camp i realised i'm quite a kid. arhhar, i need to listen to music to lullaby myself to bed, and if that's not all, i do realise that i do miss Da Tou when i came back arhahar and hugged it all over. whoa, JOY! arhahar. the simple pleasures in life. and that i took the hot shower for granted, and my bed. i'm getting to old for floor, my body still aches. arhhar, and i can't run that active ar, someone repair that knee+ankle for me pleasE? arhahar, i learnt my lesson and i wanna bring the brown cheena medicine along. arhahar, and my roommates shall have to bear with me! the smell muarharar, but it works good.

anyways, its getting late, i better slp. leave the worries for another day. and say your nitey prayers. ouh and to winnie, CT and ronald, k boxing with you all are one of the best. we belt out our bests and we seriously sing our hearts out. Winnie's my great partner arhahar. singing partner! CT and Ronald are your buds to get high over singing songs like "chu lu" and that dong li huo chi song and that "mo na li sa, ta shi shui.." arhhaar, always rememeber them. halloe come come, next time? arhhar :) take care peeps.