arh. boo. arhahar. ok. i changed my stupid browser. stupid spywares seems to be clogging up my system arhhar. oh well, its ok. firefox to the rescue. hopefully helps a little arhhar. and the thing is that there should be this text formatting tool on this browser but i don't know where it went. arhahar. oh well.

just write yar. anyways, these week has been a rather decent one arhahar. at work where wheee. arhahar. guess how awesome God is. arhhar. okay i'm bad, i was praying for full timers to work over at IBM at the same department which i am working at. arhhar. apparently, today, there's news that 2 full timers should be coming over and i'll be moving back down to where i started. arhahar. away from "suspicious eyes" arhahar. THANK GOD i tell u. ahrahar. meet the person who so wanna head down back to the fifth floor. arhahar. and do things without suspicious eyes. ahahar. tell me God's not real. arhahar. but anyways, day's been ok.

i suppose suspicious eyes was there for a reason. was reading the book Indri gave me. bout "the power to change your life" i think that's the title of the book i am reading now. arhahar. by Rick Warren. apparently, it has just said, "people become unloving because they lack love. they tend to act unlovingly because it is to get all the attention from you. do anything so that they'll be noticed. it used to be on the good side but slowly moving onto the negative side" kind of things. i like this line really much which was so called used in "a moment to remember" also. "Hate is giving room in your heart away, so why not love and free up that space in your heart", it goes somewhere along that line, but the above was my intepretation. arhhar. =)

anyways, the ways to deal wif unloving ppl around you was to shower them with all the love you got there. and love comes in different forms. love ain't the love that is frequently overly used. arhahar. gotta open up the book and quote more bout that. but love can come in care and concern for the person. getting to know their interests, desires. har! its a technique book. but yes. the bottomline was that God puts unloving ppl in your life to see how you can love the unloving ppl, be it your enemies or ppl that u detest. arh. yes. so yes. u can't change the circumstances around you but you can change the way you react to them [dat one was right off from the book, at the back of my head] arhahar.

anyways, arhar. i just had the sudden urge to blog after watching today's episode of "dae jang geum" also known as "jewel in the palace". the part whereby the whole entire village is supposedly suffering from an epidemic. and villagers try to flee. Chang Jing was set up by her fellow colleagues and she got stranded, cause the King said that none can enter the place or leave it. and when it seems that she was asking Jun Hao (Ji Jin Hee):

Her: "what have i done wrong? have i done anything wrong?"
Him: "no. you didn't do anything wrong. it wasn't you. its them. human obstacles. the higher you climb, the more people will try to pose as a difficulty for you. You have to get over all these human obstacles, otherwise whatever you've worked for will come to waste, just continue doing your best, put in your best efforts"

very wow-ing effect. arhahar. when he said that. i melted* i teared in the later part. arhahar. whereby she fainted in the locked up room. he was cool. she was sweet. awWw.

arhahar. wooow. its sweet. arhahar. just thought what Ji Hin Hee said was soOo true =) arhahar. awesome. how sweet =) nitey peeps.

boo. finally have a chance to sit down and blog or something. arhhar. sitting down and loading up the pictures that i've been wanting to do. since the time i was working at the expo when i got the card reader. arhhar. was the time i wanted to put the pictures up but haven't had the chance to. but now since i have the chance. whahaar. and the mood to =) [mummy's peeping at what i am blogging =)] *bleah.

so here's what i've taken over the weeks or rather, months. from various places. this is one of my favourites. they're all taken over my phone's camera so yeah. quality wouldn't be that sharp. but its one of those spur of the moment things. i don't bring that digital camera out lar. i haven't been using it for some time except for my phones =)



cute baby at IKEA ahrahar. he's in the children's department. arhhar. advertising for children's safety. so yeap those play fences kind of areas =)

more pictures =)

Arhahar. the seat which "cute guy" on the mrt sat. haven't seen him lately but awWw/ he's cute! and pictures of skies that i took. lovely.

ok. enough about skies. my favouritee car. arhaar. the mini cooper. fast. small. agile but expensive lar. red one is taken at lavender. arhahar. near Jojo omma's work place. after meeting her. i chanced upon the red beetle =) Green one is over at Little India near church =)


and pictures of the people around me. dat's my mum =)

The last song that i liked last time when i was young. i knew i didn't like it. it sounded boring. but i just had the feeling of hearing it now. it goes.

"would you know my name
did i saw you in heaven
will you really sing
if i saw you in heaven

I must be strong and carry on. cause i know i'm going home. here in heaven

would you hold my hand. if i saw you in heaven
would you help me stand. if i saw you in heaven

i'll find my way. through night and day. cause i know. i just can stay here in heaven.

well, that's all by hearing ahrhar. if i didn't get the lyrics. but now that I grew up to understand the song, yes it is a beautiful song. i like the part where it asks me to be strong. ahrhaar. i'm seriously tired. its sooooo trying at work. arhhar. know why? cause i'm turning transparent. i seem invisible. ppl don't look me up to do small tasks or run errands anymore cause there ain't trust anymore in me =) i was busy last few weeks, but i suppose i didn't do a really good job with my carelessness floating and lurking somewhere around. oh wells. i try to get along with the days at work. times, with "pregnant lady" around kind of adds stresses up there. but aiyo. trying to pray for God's grace and mercy all day long to be with me. every morning before i wake up. its all i ask for. on top of wisdom. arhaar. apparently i think i don't appear smart at work. oh wells. i don't play pleasing game at work. arhhar. just trying to live my days till the end. trying to please ppl, is not on my agenda.

yes, i know my compatriot is way much better than me in many terms, yes. the world is cruel. they make me seem oblivious to their surroundings. ahhaar. i'm trying to get immuned to that too. do whatever i can. oh well. i don't bear any sour feelings anywhere with my compatriot cause i know she's better =) just complaining! oh wells.

times i really wished i drew myself into something i really enjoyed. instead of being greedy. yes the 5 day work week definitely sounds nice. but wouldn't it make sense to work 5.5 days and do something you like and not dread bout it. wish i was doing websites. imaging. anything. anything except asking me to draw data from one side to the other side. cause i probably sucked in that. i lost confidence in dat as much as the people in the office lost their confidence =) its hard finding a place to learn where there's place and space for you to err. in a fast past company, i was soo soo wrong to learn on that part. thanks to myself being a slow learner too i suppose. i just ain't got an affinity with numbers? and for goodness sake. it was my first time on full scale excel. i never liked the idea of it cause it always looks confusing to my eyes, i didn't bother to dwell deeper in it. i learnt it full scale whilst doing my job assigned. on top of what mr phuatt taught, it was hands on all on my own. but i think no one appreciated that part.

for all i tell myself. what i'm getting out of this is being somewhat much better than what i used to be at excel. developments round the regions. emerging markets and information. i just hope whatever will just be enough to not earn myself an F.

times i regretted myself. why didn't i follow what my heart was. why didn't i have more confidence in myself and choose something i really liked doing? even if it was learning, it was my own free will. encore. its the way for me to learn i guess. times i thought how stupid could i be, for getting myself in today's mess. life's messed up in a way, cause i no longer get the motivation to do the things that i love doing. like blogging. my guitar. watching my favourite dramas. i just sleep what i love doing. its weird. its pretty unlike me. but trust me. i'll find that self of me once this dreading 16 weeks is over. arhhar. yes i'm not good enough for them. so what's the whole fuss about it i wonder. in a world like dat, no one understands fully, what patience. time is.

Jie jie tells me to work on and stay on at IBM if i can. arhhaar. I violently object that. i wouldn't mind starting from the bottom else where doing something i rather love doin. honestly, not interacting with people isn't something on my list with just the computer all day long. people who understands me probably get what i mean. God will deliver me from this. arhahar. its what i cling on to. in addition to my dear mom. she's so sweet. she called me the moment i went. "die lar. make so many errors" she knows me darn well ok. she told me "aiya. dont think too much. u new mar. first time make errors mar" arhahar. oh well. i think she's really sweet these few weeks. hearing me. waking me up after sleeping by here side to get into my room. listen to me talk and adding soups to dinners to cheer me up. brew me coffee. to stay awake at nite to finish my work.

and with all the nose bleeding episodes, i get work done. i don't drool mucus ok. i drip blood everyday i gotten used to it. i think i did work prob as best as i can i think. no regrets. its what i can do for you. that's all. nothing more nothing less. thank God for people like mummy. cherise. ashley and KY. and to all around. thanks for making my day. in your each various ways. they all touch me. no matter how small the acts are =)

Its been a tiring weekend. since labour day. i thought i initially had a good rest but it wasn't till something had to happen last night. i had to wake the person involved in the middle of the nite which i couldn't care anymore and give that person a piece of my mind. i don't mean to be crude but i had to do it for any delays would have caused something adverse. i knew something like dat was gonna happen but yeap. wad was said to me was something that kind of took me by suprise. i'll just play a low profile for now.

its tuesday already. 12 more weeks of the attachment to go. work load is piling up but i hope i'll manage and its pretty monotonous. *sigh. staying at a spot and just working on one thing is not what i really want to do. but oh well.

having loads of feelings right now. trying to express them one by one and if only it was that simple. but just that it all crumbles all together like a snow ball effect, its hard. its been trying these few weeks i'll say. i thought i'll carry on doing what i initially planned after getting my new electric and learn more of it during my free time but apparently it isn't been happening cause life has been full of happenings one after another. from the nuisance caller who intends to say he wants to play a game with me, to more and more around me. arharhar. good thing i've yet been on the brink of breaking down yet. still able to carry these things around me as i go around. i haven't been reading the things that are on my 2 beloved's boards.

cause ironically, all i wanna do when i get home is sit down and just stare blankly into the teevee. just sit down and stare at something after a days' of work. yes, probably i do not want to spend time any more, reading. leaving notes behind. i'm reallie sorrie arhahar. for leaving the boards behind but i'm reading what is going on, but not been leaving my comments on them for a coming month. i hope i'll be back in full swing sometime soon. when all of these is over. i am soOo caught unaware. like a thief in the middle of the nite. it all happened at the same time. and the matters that kind of are happening around me revolve round the same thing. i gotta get out of this before this drives my joy somewhere else.

one thing at a time. arhahar. my best buddiez out there. miss ashley, wee zhun and Kim Yee all know bout this. but the best part was allowing my cousin's mom to know a part of what was wrong with me. she did realise i wasn't quite myself cause she realised i've been dropping flat the moment after church at her place, which wasn't quite me. and it didn't take alot to wake me up, all she needed to do was to call my name once and i'll wake up. i told her everything. everything. and wow. she was soOo open about matters there wasn't anything i hid from her. she said it was good thing i told it to her least she knew the situation i was in and could do what she can to help me. she said it was unbelivable that such a thing would be happening, oh well. and i explain the reason why i behave the way i do. =) i felt soOo understood at last. least there was one person out there who knew me the way i was.

i don't know when i'll walk out of this tiredness but i hope it is soon. i want the old self back. i want to smile like there was no tomorrow. arhahar. its been a long time since i gave one hearty smile. with all these happening, arhahar. i hardly been taking pictures of the things around me. no extra thoughts to pay attention that would usually take my attention away but my mind is thinking bout other things that has taken a different priority in my mind. that's why if u realise i'm quieter than usual, i'm thinking alot. and all i do after that is slp arhahar. dat's life for me now.

took a little break today, apart from spending my weekends with my beloveds. ash + weezhun thank you soOo soOo much for the time. since last night. we're stuck in this together i suppose and we'll get this out together. to the person who wonders why the name isn't there. i don't wanna mention anthing bout it anymore. but please do reflect on what ya donig now. its killing the 3 of us. not just me alone. with all due respect, do something for yourself. don't lose something you have been working soOo hard for, and just throw it all like dat. it isn't worth it. every ounce of energy, i've left i'm dealing with it whatever remainders it is to face what i have to face it everyday and on top. hey. i don't pull a long face just cause i have troubles. we all do. and that doesn't mean you push yourself to a corner now. stand up and face it. changing into someone else ain't gonna make u face the problem straight.

calvin's birthday today. i didn't remember it, cause i hardly remember dates. but i can guess it from the way u asked it. chatted and only found to realise that he found himself in a simliar situation as we were way long time ago, how it was having a sticky partner. we all have moved on. continue moving on =) you'll find what you're looking for. don't bother joining the queue behind cause it gets no where.

the onli source of comfort today apart from work was to see someone who least made me feel sane. that after all that has been happening, makes me share some things that i hope of doing. and cheers and tells you "why not?" the only thing that keeps us going when the going gets rough is cheering each other own as a sign of encouragement in each other's pursuit of what we want.

"I wanna take my license and drive on to europe in an armoured SUV". -me
*smiles* "why not? it is possible. but why europe?
"cause i haven't been there or smelt the air there".
"go ahead and try =)"

"I'm wanna fly. imagine flying at altitudes high or low. in a plane of 6 people, lets say, fly somewhere to Cebu. or somewhere neear, land and come back again".
"why not? it might just come true" - You.

thank you for the dinner after work as part of my birthday treat. its funny trying to settle down into a place for dinner. and as usual, its always the ambience we are both looking for rather than the food. delifrance bistro at suntec [suntec is full of memories for me]. ate, chatted. laughed. finshed our food and we chatted. and chatted. hardly was anyone around but we just had a good chat. it was getting cold. i was shivering. arhhar. with a jacket underneath the table trying to keep warm. and soon enough it's him shivering. arhhar. but hecks. who bothered when all we wanted was share opinions and laugh and encourage each other into what each other wanna do.

probably it wasn't as strong a feeling anymore. i got over the fact that i know it was never meant to be together. just like a pair of parallel lines that was never meant to meet. along the way, down the line. it was never gonna meet. only seeing each other from each other, cheer each other along in what to me. you've got everything planned out already. go for it man. it might just happen and when that happens. i'll take a pic of u in ur uniform ahrhaar. have some tea and a good old chat. wow.

can't imagine on the fact how sweet he was to his mom. bless you and the whole family. i felt the joy there. the joy of his fun he had when he was there. remembering the fact that i still have 3 months more to the end of the attachment and as i count down mine. he counts down his. arhahar. cheering each other on. the line is near. we can do it =) i felt bad for not dressing up for today, reallie sorrie. arhahar. as i apologised that i would be in my button up shirt if i knew i was going out. cause in the morning, i'm not in the mood to reallie pick something good from the cupboard. but he's fine with it. arhhaar. so oh well.

finding a song to smoothen the vexing feeling inside of me. but no worries, i'll find a way out of this. deliverance will come. *strength+grace+mercy* to me. ahrhar. and to Colin, praying he'll be in good hands and yes. no scar. scar free in the eye surgery and to Pastor Keith, get well soon. Yes. Broken ligaments cannot be mended. to be remembered in my prayers.