my heart felt torn, ripped, pierced numourous times this morning. strangely out of the blue but i think its the dream that i had that made me feel the way i did. and i thought about it for a while. maybe, maybe dad used to hi 5 with me back then when i was younger. that when i hi 5-ed with uncle henry for the video, it just brought back the memories i had of dad when i was younger. but that was all that i had of him. of the cnys' when it was back and i was younger. i didn't know much, young and innocent as a child. whow. i didn't know dad could leave me feeling the way i did. feeling better now after 2 hours of sleeping around the bed. can breathe now.

too emo today. cried on the way to school. wondering i'm i crying for myself, for him or for some other reasons. can't quite figure out the reason but i think its because i'm tired of being different at home. that as much as i try to delude myself that i don't care. i actually do care. argh. i'm as good as running like a bull, keep running in to the wall, but not really trying to get bothered by the feelings as you ram your head into the wall.

but in all, composed at lecture but returned home with the wind blowing at my face while i sat 151 to kent ridge, and took 10 to nearby my place, i just walked. and walked. and walked up to kent ridge park where i could at least blow some wind, see some skies, see some sea. press the camera button on the camera and took numerous shot. took one that satisfied myself. being quiet on the bench as i intake the view. wasn't the best of days or weather to be there, for it looked cloudy today. couldn't care less. to make myself pant. tired. make the legs scream to feel alive as i climbed the stairs up and back home. just to tire myself. least feel alive arhahar. and say a prayer before descending. its gonna rain another bout soon. emo mess i am in. but it'll clear.

yeap anyways, now's saturday morning. but to talk about Jacky Cheung's World Tour concert has been massive. haven't been able to take any pictures of the man himself cause basically of the lightings on the stage and as a matter of fact i totally forgot to bring my sd card out into my camera. so couldn't take anything. so the only 2 pics i took were of the stage. with my trusty w810i. yes, the paranoia shot was taken with a phone. i'm so proud of myself. arhahar. looks good hor :) the real pictures of him are taken from www.baidu.com images search =) wee. and yes, added all together.

great stuff. jacky really did alot of practice and all the credits in the world for him. constantly seeking to better himself. soon, aaron can move over. and did i say the guy's one fit guy. he pumped up, and yes during rehearsals does head stands. phew. 3 hours non stop singing and dancing. tell me where in the world do you get the stamina at the age of 46 i heard. if i didn't hear it wrongly.

jacky moved me and made i cried. cried when he sang the song "gei peng you" - for a friend. he wrote it for Anita Mui. it was in canton. but the lyrics. i cried cause yeah. i could feel the emotions for the departed and i just thought of grandma that very moment. as the lyrics flashed over the projector and he sang it all out. my goodness. yes for a night it was all jacky's. alot of respect for the man.

after sitting down for a moment. the one lesson i brought home was really. to be inspired like him, to keep bettering yourself. he keeps learning, dance, sing, rap, new genres of music, new adaptation of songs, new singing style. it made me really arhahar, like joyce come on, go study and do it well the last time. arhhaar, and move on :) and learn other stuff. dude, building up fit and well at 46 blows my mind at his fitness. nearly fainted. and that's the reason why he's looking all so well and good. i feel its better than ever. i mean yes you can see his age, but he is looking finer. Got his career back up when it was in the downs. became a disney spokesperson so at the end of the day, his kids could relate to daddy, since they're too young and his songs and albums are bit hard to relate, arhahar, he became one spokesperson cause he said he watches alot of disney show anyway. in all, i like the image he painted and he tries hard to carry out, to be a dad to his 2 girls (being like an ordinary dad, fetching them from school and carrying their cartoon skool bags) and working hard for his career. concert's great. songs great. feelings great. clapped till my hands are sore. scream like i don't give a hoot like a wolf. harhaar. whooo whoo whoo and HOK YAUUUU. arhahar, and yeah. its fun. letting off stress.

and at the end of the day, i brought home his advice "life's full of ups and downs. The bad times will eventually pass. Just keep holding on, don't give up". yeah man. today's songs brought back memories of my childhood. i sung back then as a child, just following him as he sings, i don't know what the lyrics meant. harhar, total chinese idiot till later in life. i'm grateful for his songs. for in the every song, lies different memories of growing up, and later, the different experiences in life placed and etched beneath the songs he sings. i think growing up would have been hard not for some of his songs. arhhaar. passes my time :) since my elders do listen to them but somehow no interest. and ahrhar, my interest grew. very very thankful for the man himself. his songs, his voice, his lyrics. to what lies behind the soul of every chinese/canton song, stories, life experiences, you know at the end of the day. you aren't alone. Thank You to arhhaar, Jojo omma + Jacky Cheung!! For the great night and to God for making all possible. its coming 530am.

i've fixed 2 pictures on photoshop. one wallpaper and the blog entry. i wonder how am i getting up for lessons. i just have alot of thoughts flowing in my head. happy stuff, some reflective. but i'm dead beat. Jacky Rocks :) His voice is sooo.. *screams. Oh MY GOD. moves. your inner self. can't believe i teared, when i'm not singing. arhhaar. just reading lyrics and listening to the man. Bless his other 2 nights at Singapore Indoor. Faaantanstic! WHOOTs.

all the pictures to be uploaded. when i more free-er lar. arhahar all the playing around with photoshop to play with ah bi pictures taken in church on sunday. :) aunty carol sent me a cuter pics of ah da and ah bi playing with sparky. arhahar. rather sparkies. :) Ah Bi is sooo. lovable. that mms seriously made my day. thank you aunty carol. cause i was staring at the wallpaper display on my phone, admiring the skies. and then the downloading mms icon came on i was wondering who it was. i thought emo boy too sian mms. arhahar. suprise suprise. when the boy was so busy winning bogus. or whatever you call that. hahar.

yesterday's night of rain was good. good that i managed to have some time and do some reflections on the things that have been going on. i've placed the thoughts in the black book already :) safe in there. arhahar, must have been the prayer thingy we were doing at YABF huh? rest coming in with the great rains. i felt homey. close. arhhar. those reflective moments that feels great. pouring out all the emotions arhhar. on the book. feels heard and least get that issue i had to God. I realised i haven't been wearing that much of black lately, and on sunday, wearing all white. i sat and realised ahrhar. har, maybe it was the want to be pure again. after doing those deeds. i know i shouldn't but didn't had much of a choice. but i think i'm feeling better.

need some time to cope around with the changes i think. getting enough rest. talking to the enough people. to ensure that i'm still in interaction with people. thank you Lijin and Jayson (over on last saturday):) arhhaar. talk talk talk. good stuff. was fidgeting with friendster today, bringing and uploading some pics i should have but somehow never did. and look at ah bi. aharhahar. i don't know. just seeing her smile, then the blue skies on my phone. whoo, to be reminded once again of the simple pleasures of life that has somehow lost its place for me. that i wasn't really admiring them as much as i used to, for the love kind of got overshadowed. i'll pick up taking pictures again. and stop avoiding taking those great shots. ah bi was the start. more? arhahar :) yar. maybe at JC's concert. can't get the lighting right. argh. practice practice practice. i miss bak indri. :( hope to see her soon. and all the familiar ppl again. snap out or adding some fun stuff to the monotony of life that can eat me up. i'm 1. so zhuo buay diao. 2. I need to lame and crap in chinese once in a while. 3. I'm full of nonsense i can't let it out in school arhahar. and i realised how sweet and nice Pei Lian and Yiling has been to my whatever nonsenses.

i broke record today. no lunch. arhhar. whoot. appetite's falling. arhhaa. chit a chat with emo boy. kill time for 3 hours break at holland village staring at beagle and corgi adds a little smile. but arhahar, ah bi just made me :))))))) arhahar. trying to wake the boy up. and the line goes. I cannot imagine anyone as blessed as him. like stuffs all already planned for him sort of thing. ew. i think he's got quite a nice boss, but if its a really nice boss. shall see tomorrow.

to whatever. tomorrow. is gonna be a repeat episode of today. same lessons. same things. and thinking of that business frameworks lecture going on. i turn green. argh. God get me through tomorrow. i survived today. arhahar ;) nitey. ah bi ah bi!!

*gasps. today is coming to a close. or rather another week has just come to a past. there's like so many emotions i'm trying to cope with. at times like the savage garden song, "2 beds and a coffee machine". once again, i'm thinking of the line "i wonder how i got this far".

one moment i was dealing with being not able to do the things that i really wanted to. but its ok took the alternative. school's in, school's started on monday. right after the aftermath of grandma's leaving. not that it done great damage (minimally) but what's definite, it was a faraway warning of what it feels like of what it feels like losing someone who actually was like a piece of jigsaw piece in your picture but suddenly left. can't do anything but at the end of the day, but what you can thank God that He has provided things like time, and I know He'll keep watching me. while i continue wondering, pondering on a lot of lessons and things and issues and just be reminded of the fact of how good He is. Has been, still is and i believe still gonna be.

now, i'm trying to get used to school. i'm just shaking at my head at just lately how much of bumps there are. arhahar, getting used to school life isn't hard. but life's hard when the people around tend to be more indulged in their own activities. arhhar, its hard to try to get out there and get to know more people for who they really are and not who they seem to be. but i guess and can only hope things should get better i think arhhaar. starting of school tends to be sooo. boring. arhahar. one moment back in secondary school i'm studying in the west area, then come again poly, i'm shifted to the east. and now, i'm back in the west. i laugh as a matter of fact that ahahar, my used-to-be work area has now become my school area. arhahar. damn interesting. and i still laugh about it everyday as i set my way off to school. it brings back alot alot. of fresh memories especially of the hawker centre, the buble tea stall, the hang ten stall. dots. arhahar, walking down to the bus stop to take 188 back home. everything. is a mix of memories from the time of work to the time of the has beens spent time over at clementi cc. with the has beens.

harhar. emotions piles up, i get to school i'll think of the time spent with all the people especially like yiling and pei lian arhhar. the people who could stand my nonsense. jayson. arhahar. then at lectures how the familiar faces and the common jokes and nonsenses around. winnie's giggles ahrahar. i sit in the new lecture theatres and i just laugh to myself at times, how all these things i've apparently seem to thought i wouldn't miss my poly times. but i do arhahar. :) yar, joyce should just quit bothering trying to delude herself. the familiar things that i do like conversing in chinese. though my chinese is crap, i rarely do it now. arhhar to lame in chinese or english, i rarely do it now. arhahar. no one shou enough to really do all those stuff. i'm literally waiting for lyn and janna to come into schoool and add some life to the monotony of school. i'm just so waiting to snap out of this mundane life and try to add some spice and juice into it.

anyway, i wanted to share some pictures i've taken up but blogger isn't allowing me to upload. the rough sketches. i might go in depth. i might not bother. :) thing i'm looking forward to. jacky cheung's concert. to see him in person to the person i respect. for knowing how to turn his life's pains into one of life's learning point, and make the most out of life. kudos. and uncle henry to get well ;) and to the 100001 things on my head. i need rest. God bless.

hello to this blog. its coming to 3am on this sunday morning. and i'm just back from grandma's funeral, and then it was supper with little tiger at her house nearby for prata. Gotta thank God cause initially it was just a walk to 7-11 to grab some cup noodles but the brands available simply sucked. she ate her yo ji. (pig internal organ souP) her favourite. whilst i just had 1.5 pieces of prata. kosong. she had the other half. and back from a chat since 12 i think. harhar.

a day of ups and downs but the ups has kind of made the day worthwhile. today has been a day of overcoming anger. anger sparkled off cause i really would have preferred if i didn't make the walks. since it was a teochew ceremony. couldn't really end up the way i would have wished for simply cause in the extended family, there were representatives of the grandchildren. i just did it really cause i don't want any other talks and speculations as to how come 6th aunt haven't got any kids? while the fact was that there were 3. but none of them wanted to take the walk and it didn't help with an emotional mom. i got the brunt of almost everything when i said that jie wasn't gonna walk. not that it was her first time but it has always been the case, cause as the saying goes youngest mah. so ok lor, since the siblings are all grown up already.

but for a moment i really didn't want to think in her point of view cause simply, for a moment i had my own beliefs and convictions. it might have caused a controversey cause for the past few days, i didn't really hold the josssticks while i just stuck to the bowing. whole thing caved in today just for the rituals. fine, if it made everyone happy and if it would have sparred my mom from the awful earfuls. but the guilt was really there. i knew where i stand, but i was just wondering and really telling God i didn't enjoy a time i was doing it.

respect as it is to grandma, ok with the bowings and all. i'm glad grandma knew i was a christian before she left. she realised it on her own without me telling her and she asked to confirm, i nodded my head. it was just weeks ago actually. that i knew she knew i woudn't have disrespected her in anyways.

i really detest being put in situations like that, that you just have to face the shit in your face. not only that, accept the shit incoming to your face with your arms wide open. gladly. it definitely isn't the easiest things to do but it really isn't much of a choice. that as you get older, you really have to learn to shrug it off, or rather be calm as your anger rise and not vent it on anyone around or near you while you are letting out your steam like bouts of farts. you have to do it the silent killer way. arhahar, and just laugh it off later. i just shared my anger with people and really get over it.

i was angry matter of factly that when i was going through the stuffs, and there was my brother giving those stupid face and stares, sister sitting there and father. just laughing and enjoying their own private time whist i wasn't. but aiyo, they're winners right, they have choices and reasons to back their actions. fine lor, win lor. i just look at my ownself and just really sulk at the mirror. it seriously annoyed me i just went off after the whole thing and just said bye. nothing better to say, don't say.

tired obviously that shit was once again flinged at me, can't duck. just stand there, let it land. i just wanted to really be alone and recharge. be quiet and still actually before my school starts, tidy up some things in the mind! get the body used to working and not being a bummer? get the stuffs on which needs work done, like driving harhar, mind used to thinking more than idling usually, to commit the upcoming time to God :) but i feel so so drained. with all this religion vs fillial piety things. you wish it could be as easy as dumping one away and just go with the other. but then again, life isn't that simple. i'm so so tired, i want a hug! harhar which the thing i do is grab Da Dou and give it a one big hell of a hug. no wonder the head needs stitching.

am nursing my tiredness, tinch of sadness and guilt. but i'm glad and happy to tell Little Tiger in the face that after all these years, i can really care and love her the way i should. hee hee, that i no longer was prejudiced over her with the perspective mom loved her more as a goddaughter. whahrhar, cause it realy didn't matter to me now. :) i should love her and stop running away from the fact that both of us are really similiar. hee, i refused to the core back then, but all's cool! i told her i'm happy hee hee, cause it taught me to love more! thanks to God's work and the prayers.

Thank God for the open coffee shop cause she said it was normally closed at ungodly hours of the night, but for some apparent reasons, open today. Thank God for the awesome chat we had, the times we spent together now, the laughters, the joy, the care and concern and love. they're real and genuine now! well to the work done till today. way cool. so as i was saying shit happens, but times, they'll be times where tao hui gets thrown too. you enjoy cause its my favourite? harhhaar.

anyays, i'm thankful for today lar. definitely another good lesson to keep me in check, on what anger and forgiveness is. its very easy to anger, but forgiving takes a hell lot more :) thankful too for the people's concern and gladly, and definitely to Aunty Carol who's been awesome. though not in person the sms exchanges, i felt you near :) Cousins Jane Jie, for just sharing, togther with her dear Gary, William and Julie. and Little Tiger. for the times. and emo boy for his encouraging words too. :) lovely. so its time to slp and its to the creamatorium later today. day seems daunting but may the Lord see this through and continue to provide His comfort and hands of protection and rest during this time. Ah Joy Hwaiting. in front of my The Tiger's comp. Thank God for a comp and internet? harharh :) i forgot to bring my black book lar. while i tune myself to Amazing Love on youtube. harhar, i dont have the song anywhere. but the song came to my mind :) to seek some comfort.

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken.
I'm accepted, You were condemned.
I'm alive and well, Your spirit is within me.
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love, how can it be
That You my King would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
Its my joy to honour You
In all i do, I honour You