Processing and Journeying

I can't say as my leave to East Timor approaches nearer, the sense of anticipation comes along with the feelings of the bit of nervousness, worry and a little reluctance to live certain people and relationships behind.

Yes, God says do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries for itself, but being a human and returning from Melaka, I cant help but realize the emotions that was stirring inside of me.

I know I had to get down and start processing my thoughts with Him since I didn't manage to do much of it when I was away from my room. I realize I do enjoy time to myself and it is important to me to have that window to myself before I sleep, it is like those private times that i can have my own freedom and space to do what i want to do without the hassles of not being under any watchful eyes. No private time out makes me grouchy. Funny though that I am able to spend most of the time with people for the day but must have my dose of private time to unwind before I turn in.

Perhaps the greatest thought at the back of my head is not about worrying what is going to happen in the next 6 month but what is going to happen after I return. While I have some brief ideas about what I will be doing, with the happenings on the global economy, I wonder what is going to be like. It does make me wonder and think about the things to come, to learn, to realize and to see.

 Does the human race only learn in a given set of circumstances that we can only see and realize things when we are being pushed to a corner? Is hope only found when we are being challenged and faced by an impossible or difficult situation that will drive us to our knees to seek and cry out for a God out there who truly cares and has the ability to love us despite our many shortcomings and grant us that courage, strength and tenacity to overcome the odds that we face that we realize we are at our wits end that no science, maths or logical formulas and solutions can solve and that we realize we are not that great and in situations like these, realize the frailty and fragility of humans and our lives - "oh we are not as strong, as we think we are", Rich Mullins.

So I sit and ponder upon the rise and triumph of the human spirit that bonds and stirs our hearts as one together, that touches each other and gives strength to one another, to draw hope from one another to face the many tomorrow's courageously and full of faith regardless of what the odds are. Perhaps that is the beauty of humans - overcomers! The notion of families and communities, to genuinely care and love one another, to help and encourage one another. The stories of bravery, heroism, pain, sacrifice and rags to riches examples that causes us to still dream that these dreams can still be a possibility.

I know in times of hardships and uncertainties, the greatest men and women are formed. When we are placed in a world that the days seems hard to progress, we look upon someone around us who has that spark, passion and fuel that seems unnerving and honestly, someone to respect and admire because he or she possess something inside that we lack of and we see something we like and want! The inner sense of calm and peace in the midst of the storms, the sense of courage to stand for something they believe in, the sense of joy and hope that they possess and their acts of love to love the many around who are hard, difficult or neglected.

When a world goes so dead, I guess we need a revival that will not just wake our physical minds and bodies up, but one that will cause our spirit man to awake. One that will not be a momentary visit, but one that will seal you for eternity, when we awake and realize that aching void has a filler and we can be full and wholesome again. To realize, learn and to see things and matters in a different light, not to psyche yourself up for another day, but to see the needs that should matter above and beyond ourselves. Why certain things should matter and I somehow am going through why certain things should matter and that if it matters to me, it matters to Him.

Humility

While chatting with Jie Jie, I realized another important virtue one should possess - humility. Above all, why God said we should fear Him apart from the obvious loving one another as Christ has loved us.

Humility is vital if we are ever going to develop or walk ourselves in that fullness of what He has desired or planned for us. If we are ever going to think that we have gotten it all, or know it all, is when the spirit of stupid has taken over us and we have just upgraded ourselves to a level of foolishness to ever think we have gotten there.

Humility promotes teachability that enables us to learn from one another, as iron sharpens iron, it is a two way relationship, that as we give and teach, we also receive and learn. If we will never humble ourselves, we will definitely miss out the greatest lessons from the people you would never ever think is able to impart or teach life's greatest lessons. At times, the greatest lessons of loyalty is taught by my favorite four-legged furry friend, Lassie and humility is taught by my many Indonesian helpers, but one stands out - Bak Indri.

Humility enables one to put others needs above one another, to lay down our lives for one another, to recognize that everyone, regardless of our age, race or nationality or walk of life, is able to contribute something to the body of Christ. We die to ourselves and recognize and look at one another, through the lens of His and treat one another the way He sees us, even when we hardly look like it currently, but because of the environment of hope, love and faith that has lived out now, we grow more and more like Him eventually as we journey on and eventually what was said and declared as a prophetic act becomes a reality, and we literally live a piece of Heaven, right down on earth.

Humility keeps us small, and humble so we will never forget who we are and who He is. So often we try to be this someone else, who's shoes always tends to be so big that we often end up feeling so disappointed because we never end up as close to what we thought or imagined. The demands and expectations that was built upon the mix of our own experiences and from the people that we deemed as important, end up hurting and haunting us and we end up settling for God's good plans instead His best.

Humility gives us strength and courage to move unto another day, since we know we are all still in the making, we are all imperfect. When we realize we are all still leaning, we all make plentiful of mistakes, it grants us the strength and courage to show grace to one another, to love one another even when we have committed some mistakes that might have hurt us, , forgiving one another becomes easier because we realize we are all still learning.

"If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.

Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayer that is made in this place.

For now I have chosen and consecrated this house that my name will may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will be there for all time."

- 2 Chronicles 7:14-16

If we could only see past ourselves and realize who we really are and who He is, and realize we really aren't at all that large but small.

If we could admit we need help and cry out for help and seek Him than pretending we could ever make it through without Him.

If we could put away our past hurts and judgements that we made and that were made against us, perhaps we could see things in a different perspective of what we were actually meant for.

If we would realize that the destination is not the point but just another point of a journey, He planned with you, so you could take a ride with Him and learn that the greatest beauty and purpose of men is to enjoy and glorify Him forever.

The beauty of Him still leaves me marveling at Him at the things He teaches, and reminds and the timing and how He does it, never fails to amuse me and a note to myself to never ever be full of yourself, but be filled with Him and the realization of just how much more I need of Him. 

"Pride separates us from God and from each other."

The beautifying factor of how everything just comes out beautiful, marvelous, good, everything that is well with your soul, I'm thankful, happy and glad and it pushes me on, unto what is next. Not so much about what is ahead, but the matter of making that plunge and that step to soar. It feels almost weird to get here, but you are and the next step will require even more faith and definitely greater commitments with being with Him.

What was deemed impossible 2 years ago, here i am standing, above all of them, that God has turned my then dream of an impossibility into a possibility, continues to move me, strike me, and I begin to question what else is impossible and turning it unto Him and watch Him move every mountain and boulder out of the way.

Reaching towards the end of this internship has been great fun, above all, having the chance to establish and build relationships and watch how the pastoral team works together, support one another, love one another and encourage one another. If you have been along side them, you will very much want to contend with them, for them. I believe they deserve so much more, so underrated and often overlooked that at times, I wish they were more well loved. But as the saying goes, I'm sure God sees them and will surely bless them richly.

The amount of toil, tears, sweat and prayers in their own bedrooms and private time with God, because of the nature of the work, the amount of man hours you plunge and literally make your "work", a part of your life, integrated into your schedule, and welcome every person as much as you can, to care after your sheeps, only speaks forth the love and care that CPC has been very well blessed with leaders, who has watched and have been a part of our past days till today.

It is something that the younger generation has been riding on, the prayers, love and dedication of many prayer warriors and faithful leaders, serving to see, the many next generations to rise and stand on their ceiling that becomes our floor, that we will arise and soar even higher.

If we would spend more time looking around in church and knowing our past from the older dudes and dudettes, we have so much in there and I suppose how can God not ever look with the church, and for us to realize how much more He has for everyone of us and for the church as a whole. Many of whom are still contending for since their days of youth, till where they are now, haha, never fails to amaze me :) For their love and dedication and their desire to see God's will on earth as it is in Heaven, for the many dreams, visions and revelations that He has planted into them years ago, seeing a fraction and a glimpse of it happening now. Can we ever not get excited for what He has installed for us?

It always gets me excited year in and out, where the glimpses increases more and more and you see even more of Him in our midst, transforming individual lives, changing families, where breakthroughs move on all levels, individually, corporately. He is invading our space and invading right into your hearts, wherever you are, whatever circumstances you are in, whatever you are going through, whatever past you have - It doesn't bother Him at all, He is still running after you and invading your space, right into your hearts and lives.

Taking a day off, have just spent yesterday and today, resting and reading, taking it slow. I wish I could do more of these, cause it is so refreshing to just be quiet and enjoy the stillness. Where the immense feel of peace and the thought of Him just enjoying You as you take delight in Him and I can really watch Him smiling down. I wish it will be forever like this ahaha.

In any cases, take faith and courage - the God we so love, is alive, yes, very much alive and kicking. He is gonna be doing so much more and I am really waiting for the day to watch that battle scene of Him coming on a white horse, clothed in a robe dripped with blood, along with an army clothed in fine linen, white and clean, following Him on white horses. And that battle, hahaha. Just massive! I was grinning as I read about it in Revelations this morning.

For the first time, reading revelations gets me all "oh yeah" and excited when I used to approach the book with fear, but like my favourite someone goes, "it is a book of hope". I used to go ew at the book and he'll tell me "really, look into it, it has so much hope in there". I remembered going "how on earth does that sound like hope to you?" to realize, yes it is that hope, of good triumphing over evil, because of a good God who loves us so much. How the battle will be won, it has all been written, how He will triumph, to rule and reign forever and enjoying the reunion and the companionship of Him forever. Oh yes - sweet.

It can never be down days all the time, there will be an ascension, we will fall, but rise and rise again till lambs become lions. I'm not saying it for the sake of it, but you won't be down all the time. that is the greatest beauty, where the weak says I am strong, when we arise again, growing stronger. There will be tears, but there will be a day where He'll wipe away your every tear, there will be no longer any pain or suffering. We don't have to wait till we die lah, I'm sure we can experience that in our earthly lives, of Him wiping away your tears, but the one day where not very nice things no longer exists :)

In all the greatest joy is living out the promises He has said and watching them come to past, is soo fun. To know what His desires are for me and to be living in the desires and plans He has for me, journeying every part of the way, every thought and emotion that I had, every struggle and weakness I have, how He turns everything I see that is ugly, unworthy, into what He sees me as beautiful, worthy and everything worth it, continues to amuse and amaze me, keeps me happy, even if man fails in pursuing you ahhaa, you can trust in this romancer - Always, always pursuing you :) I like it that way, and every girl loves to be pursued. Haha.

Holding onto Isaiah 45:2-3, because it has so much in there to me -

"I will go before you and level the exalted places. I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in the secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord of God of Israel, who call you by name".

I'm still going forth, going in and journeying into the depths :) Take faith and courage!

I came face to face with him yesterday, stared at him straight in the eye and wondered, "what does it take to take him down?". His greatest strength? He stays on as long as you want him to and he is as powerful as you enable him to be.

Similar to hope, which redeems and gives you strength to live another day, unbelief is a destructive force of that it paralyses you, it leaves you hopeless, dry, dreamless, visionless and one that steals, kills and destroys.

This is not the first time I have met him but I do not like him at all. The best part of what he enjoys doing to me, is not taunting me, but taunting the very people around me, that has difficulties trying to hope and believe.

I stand at a point, where I know I do have a choice. I can choose to be that fool that many sees, that it is an impossible, faraway daydream that I have, that is never, ever going to make it.

I stand at a point, where I can choose to stop believing, give up, get out, and watch the people I love, get crushed by the impossibilities and the fears that many have, that nothing in their lives can be changed, that they are destined to be nothing great, and powerless people, contented with status quo, where their very dna, knows of a greater being and hope, of someone who sees, knows and loves them.

I stand, knowing that the key does not lie in my hands at all, but in the hands of the many individuals themselves, who has a choice. They can choose to live lives with the voices that tells them the lies that they are useless, not beautiful, every other thing or choose to hear and believe the words of Daddy that says who you are, how He sees you as.

A choice to live lives the way they know, they are unhappy about and one that yearns for a better change, but yet not knowing how to bring about that change but can choose to believe the great I am, that He is for us, He can do it for us and He is with us.

You kill me softly somewhere, somehow, but as I fall, I know I will arise again. "Rise and rise again till lambs become lions". I will choose to hold on to the very convictions of what He has told me and promised me.

I am at wars, while my physical mind and body tells me, I'm just battling a losing war, my spirit stands - relentless and in complete refusal that God will not just let things be. He is a God of breakthroughs, a God of change, a God of miracles, and a God who believes in us all, because He loves.

I'll fall, but may we all come back stronger, that the very same thing you struggle with, be the very thing you'll overcome, that you become that overcomer, that He lends strength to the weak.

Let the weak say I am strong, let the blind say I can see. In this fight, I can't help anyone fight but I can only continually, choose to either hope and believe and journey through with them, in a God who sees, loves and cares.

So today, my head sings "I stand amazed at the wonders, of Jesus the Nazareth, and wonder how He would love me..." and I'll proceed on to sing the precise thing I need now "I need you more".

After everything, I still love to say this - I still love you Jesus:)

It has been awhile, blogging has been off the radar for a long time - I can't imagine how much I used to blog but a preference to jot down my thoughts all on a book now. Just thought of leaving some thoughts down as the night winds down, today's weather has been rather hot.

In any cases, I've been thinking how fast time flies and it is May already. I have made some mental notes and things to start kicking off on the plans to Timor. Funny how humans are, you would think initially that the dateline you tend to have is quite faraway, and by the time it starts kicking in, oops, I'm in the second week of May and emails have been sent and I've really been thinking and deliberating what am I really going to do.

Just when I'm into my 5th month working in church and thinking you've learnt a whole lot, I see another thrust into another depths of waters. In comes what you would like to be doing there and the things to prepare before you head there and the list goes on, I get a wake up call again, ok, time to suit up and get ready for the leap and jump.

It is always another jump of faith just when you ever thought things has been going on good and smooth, here comes another one, another leap and jump to take. Each time the amount of faith taken to take the step, I can only say, increases and the only pillar and source of strength and encouragement, is to only do it if I hear it from Him. I know with every step that I take, it can't be something that I do in my own accord of will and strength, but one that requires every bit of Him and His fingerprints and promises in it.

Like every natural being's nature when they sense danger, you either stumble and fall or you either turn your back and run away and flee from the very thing you were made or born to. You either run towards it or you keep running away from it. As the water level arises up to my knees, I know I am to take the dive, to submerge myself into it. Of course, there is a choice, of pulling myself out of the water, stepping right out on to dry land again and be in my comfort zone again, for the very fear of my life and the struggles that I deem as impossible to conquer.

Regardless of the outcome, I know He is always beside me, so it would seem more fun to be in the water and experience something more different that what being on land does. I actually love the word of water - though my physical body tells me otherwise and from a fact that I do not swim, somewhere inside me tells me I'll love the water actually, once I get past the fear and learn how to swim.

Every single time I think of water, I'll remember Jesus walking on water and I will almost instinctively think of Peter -

"Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water".

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out saying, "Lord, save me!".

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

Matthew 14:28-31

I would imagine what it would have been if Peter had more faith and spent more time walking on the water, for it is the only one time you would hear of someone walking on the water, and what more, with the company of Jesus, hahaha. Maybe a round of catching, or perhaps a little twirl or walk down tour round the area and taking a different perspective and look at the lands ahead? The possibilities are endless!

And so here I am, as I start thinking and looking at what lies ahead, I love to go back to Him and ask Him what does He think, to hear Him, to be with Him and being with Him before I set out from that place again - for the greatest joy is not about what I do, but is in doing what He wills, that brings the greatest joy of journeying and being with Him.

So I sing - Lifehouse's Storm. I love listening to it at different times of my life, for it always bring another bout of emotions and perspective and take on the song that gives a different feel and flavor each time I listen to it.

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

I just realized how stubborn I was, unimaginable but rather capable of it once I set my mind on it to finish certain things that I do, I'll do it or have no rest. To only realize the consequences of it till I finish watching it, I start to think if it was worthwhile and pushing my body I sure do know how to do it, thinking you're still young and invincible. I laugh at myself as I felt Him saying "see how stubborn you are, really not giving up till you really collapse?" and that is the truth of me. Really not thinking much about things that I just want to have the best of everything which simply results in me eating into my sleeping time and Him reminding me of my limitations of my finite mortal body and it's capabilities of failing you if you don't look after it, and Him telling me "your body is a holy temple", I nodded and apologized as I went off to bed.

The saving grace is that I am not feverish so I am not too terribly grouchy but I realize the magnitude and that we will have to make choices and establishing certain disciplines if we desire to eanestly seek Him, if we are to truly desire after Him, then we will have to will ourselves to choose to give up certain pursuits so we're focused and not all over the place or spreading ourselves way too thin and to realize the importance of resting in His presence.

I realize how selfish humans are capable of - how often we desire intimacy but not willing to desire the portion of relationship. We all love shortcuts, we're all after the feel good but not desiring the things that might not be all about the feelings. Love to begin with, wasn't about feelings but of a commitment to each other, to spend time and enjoy each other, to be truthful and to share and be willing to learn and to accept each other. There, head knowledge but I often tend to wonder, how many strive to live it out in their earthly relationships and have a different perspective on God.

So when I'm capable in being so driven to catch Athena, if I could do the same drive in the things I should be doing, it would have just been great but have taken steps in sticking up the strips of magnetic papers up to jot my physical mind and note to myself of what I should be adopting more of - prayers.

I'll be good! Haha I promised, I'm sick of being sick to be reminded of what I should be doing:)

I heard Ganpaps using this word today, and the word in itself, sparked a whole list of thoughts in my head - Relentless. Yes for He is relentless, His personality is, the way He works is, and His love is relentless. Just spent the Saturday resting cause I need it and cause my body tells me too, fighting another bout of incoming flu but this time round, I'm fighting it cause hello, I just had it two weeks ago and really don't want t go through another tissue stopping time.

Feeling better, rested and when your body is rested, my mind tends to get active and haha, I was thinking of my twin and as I open up the comp to just watch an episode of Athena, I was thinking of you. Yes you've not been yourself and I miss the times of random chitter chatters that we have that seems like every other thing but when it stops, I start to think what's going on because I know something's not right cause you've been awfully quiet and the replies that you give tells me enough, you're not yourself.

Wished I was online but I'm only one me and I am human haha. It was a great time at City Space with a intimate time out with En Min and Jacob and when I said intimate, it is purely only because it is where everyone can be themselves, are themselves and we share our stories and perhaps in that sense, dreams. Being with people and just having the luxury of ease that people can be unpretentious gets be at ease of themselves, is one of the greatest joys of being around people, and the only reason why I believe it is the beauty of what we can call a community of people who really do share their lives. I don't need the deepest end of things but when everyone gets real, and is real, the genuineness is just so precious, savored and enjoyed. You don't have to try too hard to put on a mask or defense because there really isn't any need to because they are both all so dear to me.

I realized at the end of the end of the day, perhaps what makes me charming and yet at the same time, demanding, is purely because of the value I place in being real or genuine. It becomes demanding to those who can't be real or be themselves because I realized, I'm ok with anything, our failures, pasts, sins, but totally not okay when we have to pretend we're okay when I know we're not.

And perhaps that is why I realize it can be demanding but yet at the same time, to realize that it is okay to not be okay if we can be okay with it and do something in order to be okay about it. Cool, but yeah, so we all can be truthful and share what is really bothering us deep down, share our struggles, be real, do something about it and pray for each other. Somehow, someway, we'll fall short but we're all in the making.

I woke up thinking about pictures and colors and ended up looking at Nikon cams just to please my eyes and colors, the camera is able to capture like the current Canon camera won't do. Ended up staring at some more gears only to tell myself, I should just head outside and take some shots huh. :) I am so random and yes I shall just do that after doing some good amount of read ups eh :)

I must be funny.

I was just checking when was the last time since I last blogged, and yes, it has been a long time. There are times where I should blog but I often end up journaling, as long as there is an outlet to release and pen down my thoughts that I can refer to, I'm fine.

And whoa, I often wonder how these random surfers chance upon this blog haha. But in any cases, hope you had fun around:)

Tons of happenings since December and as 2010 came to a close and interesting to see how my journey of bumping my way around has taught me and I have learnt alot. It has been a great eye opener and a time to challenge head on, every single doubt, myths, common beliefs, thoughts, emotions and convictions. It has been humbling but it is a time of what it feels like, as I chatted with Ganpaps, that I had this picture of myself. I saw myself like David, who was this humble, average, typical, shepherd boy, tending after his sheeps, nothing peculiar, easily overlooked but there, God had greater plans for him.

I guess we all have various training ground, and here I am. Whipping my catapult daily, and shooting random stones at the wool of sheeps, bleating around. Sounds ridiculous but eh, it is how I feel at times when I head in to work (just when i thought that is just a matter between me and God), someone has seen the face and does know how I feel. (craps, I can't hide under the radar of his eh? haha) But it was a good chat that as I talked (talking with him always makes me ponder more) and realize and how he often causes me to confront my thoughts or verbalize them.

In any cases, while talking I realized it is a time of figuring when it is time to head out from the place of rest, to "Go" and when it is time to head back high into the mountains and be there and pray or spend time communing with Him and how to do both and finding a balance and space for both to be lived out.

You can't do one without the other, and the need to live both out is important, otherwise we'll just be going based on needs/wants and merely going through activities and motions. That is to answer the portion of "Go"-ing and forgetting on the aspect of heading back up to the mountains.

Praying gives purpose and direction that I suppose steers the rudders of your ship as convictions are built and lived out from those periods of times that you cry out to Him. Directions and wisdom comes as you wait upon Him too :) So it is quite strange and odd that we do not spend that amount of time in the quiet places where the need is such a to-die-for.

It is never easy developing a heart for prayers but it comes, as you desire after it and hunger and thirst for it, it only becomes what should be and only natural. Never straight forward or easy but it is the fun of journeying through to realize what cannot be done by human's will but a thing of only what He can do. I guess the hunger is just brewing, and yeap, I can just imagine myself breaking forth till I can't take it anymore, intercessing more than never before, I'm left to be down on my knees weeping for the very people and things that stirs me and that He has convicted me with.

Scary and uhm, not quite me for now, but it'll be good since I always wonder what is it like spending hours and hours just praying and crying out loud. Reading and looking at pictures of people being so convicted about things, that they prostrate themselves on the floor and just weep about what is upon their hearts, always makes me go fwah about it. It is one matter to just know about it but but experiencing and doing it, are such complete matters and worlds apart, but the greatest joy, is always having the opportunity to experience and know what is on His mind and heart:)

Watch what your random thoughts say, so much so for "break my heart for what breaks yours" and think that no one hears, I'm pretty sure He does and He probably laughs at our very random remark that we shake it off and go "yeah right" and He goes "oh yes, you are right" and how things goes from there.

Enjoying every moment I can have a time out in my room just being quiet, at times reading, at times just listening to such love songs sung out - Misty Edwards - I am Yours, that moment is just soo sweet. Every single time I hear the very sound of the keys running in the song, I go "I wanna play and sing like that too", songs filled with such love and desire for the ultimate lover:)


Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though It's night, on You I wait

(repeat)

It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry
So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again
For when I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned

Beautiful and beautiful it is, I loop it over and over. Haha. And when I was googling on my thoughts on David.

"David was the eighth and youngest son of Jesse, from Bethlehem. He was a strong, healthy lad, apparently with an uncommon characteristic among his people of the time - red hair. He was a Shepherd from an early age, and developed his courage and fighting skills by defending the flocks from the wild animals, including lions and bears, that preyed upon them. The free time that being a shepherd provided also allowed him to develop two other skills, that of music and poetry. David was a warrior, and a writer of psalms."

Perhaps explains why I always love to have red hair? Jokes aside, but I love what was written on the free time aspect, it is what I love to do and am doing:D

Yes to rest now, hope flu bug leaves me, bye!

What is it being child-like:

Being secure in knowing who your Father is, in recognizing and resting in that security, that Daddy is always there, watching over you, there to comfort you and to catch you when you fall.

Your play area will be dependent on the amount you trust and feel secure in the presence of your Daddy. How far you'll go out or step out into your destiny, from your secret place, will be dependent on the times spent with the Father, in knowing who the Father is.

Perhaps this is the reason why Jesus spent so much time alone with the Father - He knew who His Father was and in that relationship, He was able to rest in that presence and peace that no matter what circumstances He faced, He knew who His Father was. He believe and trusted that the Father had the best plans for Him and when things were seemingly out of control for Him, He knew His Father was in control.

"Insecurity is wrong security exposed" - Bill Johnson

I guess when we fear, it brings about where our faith lacks and puts into perspective what we see a situation as a likely impossible or hopeless situation which often steals us of our faith, hope, peace and joy. As usual, faithless often robs, steals, kills and destroy.

It has been humbling drawing my lessons learnt from a little girl who was playing with her daddy and I realized what child like and innocence meant. Then it dawned unto me how much God loves to communicate with us through various mediums and the little girl was one of them. God definitely made His presence felt in Telunas though His creations of the birds, the skies, clouds, water and winds. Winds that blew that is almost unmistakable, just like how it is when I worship in my lavender room from time to time.

The greatest joy was being able to share my innermost worship with God to a congregation who hungers an yearns for Him, is a truly wonderful experience and the living out of "all creation bow down and worship Him", it's being the very reason why we are living and what we are living for - worshipping Him. Times when you can just go on forever, but only stopping due to time or our physical limitations of that it is time to sleep.

More of You and less of me, please:)

I just received the news, the text. Wasn't at all surprising but I find myself asking, not why, but what am I going to do about it. I don't think I can do anything that would change the outcome since it isn't a question about me at all but about her.

I could offer my prayers, lend a listening ear, talk to you, be with you but that is pretty much it. I find myself questioning the scaredness of marriage. I know it is sacred, but to see it living it out in real life is an entirely different matter. Of course, everyone would love that it lasts forever but in my case, I see many of it falling apart, torn, broken, in shambles or in a state where married is just a term because the process of getting a divorce takes too much effort, procedures and costs, we stick to the status quo of "married".

I don't know or have all the answers as to why things/tradegies or things that we hope for, doesn't turn out the way we would like it to be but once again, it draws me to a point that everything, falls under the notion of change. Everything can change and my only saving grace comes from the fact that You never change and never fail.

I can only hold on to the one constant hope, that keeps me going, where all else is sinking sand and watch towers and fixtures, one after another, through the passage of time, wear and tear and eventually sink into a world of oblivion, like it never existed before.

I stand in this moment where I see history repeating one after another, three times in all within my family, when it comes to the word and topic of marriage, it somehow doesn't end up quite the rosy picture we all would love to hope for. I stand in this place to decide, if I should treat this entire marriage thing as a sham, another process that never works out fine that just appears to be a process of wooing you deeper and then setting you up for that "fatal blow" of failure.

I could choose to do that to logicalise the happenings that I see happening around me and deem that as a natural happening, since it is on a rise around the world, my situation merely becomes another number, a statistic to prove a fact.

I could do a million of things to self sabotage myself but then again, I've got nothing to lose and hope helps me push on to keep moving on to see what's in front of me, in time to come. To also mean that hope is all I have left and the only thing I have in me to keep me going, that helps keeps me sane and faithful.

It is my life's call, dream and purpose that all I would love to be known for, is to be a faithful lover of His, since the famous line that goes and we all would love to hear at the end of the race is to be rewarded with "good and faithful servant". Of course, more could be added to the line, but in simplified terms, it is just to be known as faithful.

Faithful because You've always been and not because I have, but because of You being who You are. I still love and trust, but my heart cries out to the many of the fatherless that is so prevalent and ponder upon the existence of Fathers and where have they all gone.

Sure there are the lovely fathers that I know and see and continue to be that awesome daddy that your dear children calls you :) You're doing an awesome job and for those who have fallen, there still is a chance and all is not lost. There are second chances and "second lives" if that is to say to be that awesome daddy, sure we all do make mistakes but do something about it, sincerity moves and speaks a thousand words as long as it is from the heart.

Let's walk through this again and Your presence will be greatly appreciated and loved :)

Rise and rise again till lambs become lions.

Loving You.

It is a funny feeling with my last week @ Temasek Polytechnic this time round as a staff. Though I wasn't dealing with the students but with the older generation of men, who are keen in joining the security industry, it has been an experience :)

It is a time of mixed feelings that as I spent 14 months with the company, just imagining that 14 months ago, I was job hunting ans just wondering what I should be doing with my life and now it is time to say goodbye again.

Can't say I haven't learnt anything at all when working with Edwin has by far been one of the most exciting days at work. Meticulous, a keen eye for details guy who really has taught me to be more detailed in my work and not to be too careless/suay bian in my work.

Having the chance to see how hard the people from the lower income groups work so hard to provide a living themselves or people, that though they have reached past their retirement age, they still have to work to support themselves as for those who are less fortunate, that they say their kids are not reliable and to be safe to ensure they have a decent life. For the more fortunate, they are working simply to keep themselves nimble, being both mentally and physically active.

It puts a lot of things into perspective as you come into contact with people from all sorts of background, you take a look at ourselves, how prevalent the self seeking mentality and attitude we possess the at times, is quite irksome. We can't seem to get enough or be contented with what we have and often a times, chasing after the next technology gadget, latest fashion and trends, the next holiday, the next activity to pick up, another lesson, another hobby or another television drama to watch.

Self gratification and the need to feel good becomes a new language that everyone speaks and everything else becomes secondary. I think about the future of these younger generation who are grown and immersed in this culture that seems so natural and the only rightful and cool thing to do, I wonder what is going to happen to the older generation of our parents and grandparents and how will they be living in years to come =/

Life was much simpler back then. Jayson was saying how hard it is to chase the simpler pleasures of life and attaining things that seem much simpler.

So let's strip off everything we have, the status, glamour, riches, I wonder who we are and what do we become. Perhaps back to the basics where life was really all about surviving and meeting our most basic needs and perhaps the need of love.

The simple life seems so complicated now and almost impossible to attain for many, for many build their lives chasing after their next goals of wants, desires to needs.

Perhaps humans are actually very simple creatures but with time and to ease our boredom, how we've become so complicated as we come come with a never ending list of things to immerse or give our attention to.

What are we living for? :) Is a good thought today again. I'm just glad the exit interviewer today was a gracious man who least could understand my motives for leaving, in any cases, all is good.

I feel thankful to be alive, well and healthy and most importantly puke-less and spinned-head less. I'm thankful to be able to be alive and talking to the people who I love, just hearing their hi-s, i'm happy, glad and thankful enough.

Yesterday was a horrid food poisoning incident (my second with West Coast's Mac's Double Cheeseburger) that had me having a horrendous head spinning and puking feeling that left me very sick last night. I struggled to rest and was awoken thanks to my head and it was worse than the first time I had it, so bad I wanted to reach for a knife to wrist myself or knock my head against the wall cause of the bleeding and the adrenaline rush that will least bring that breath of relief. I don't know how many times I cried out for Jesus's name and I needed so badly a Father who could hold me down or least hold my hand and tell me it will all go away. Pain meter was the best at 8/10 i think last night (yes to pain threshold perhaps going up) lol, but I ended up calling the boyfriend, Darius who prayed and immediately after an amen, I reached for the bin to puke it but the head still spunned. I'm just glad to have awoken up today and is very much still alive and kicking.

I've never struggled so hard with pain before that I am even having the morbid thoughts of wristing myself/banging my head on the wall just to bleed so it can provide that momentary relief. Nothing was bringing me relief in my hour of struggle, I knew it would end at 430am but getting to pass by the time was another mad struggle. In the midst holding on to resist the urge on my bed while I went to grab the guitar in my delirious mode and tried to sing Jesus song, I couldn't even get the guitar to sound right and much less sing. Next alternative, grab the ipod, to get it on and place the speakers on and try to worship my way to bed.

I got tired gradually and cold, so i tugged in and drifted off to sleep. So happy to have awoken up feeling less spinn-ed head but I realised what I just went through in the early morning, I thought of you alot and yes, I do see how often after God stands at position one that I call out, the next person I'll always think of, is you. For the past 2 incidents, and how important you are to me and the amount of influence you have on me :) Any cases, praise God for the Boy who saved me by praying for me that helped alot. Thanks my knight :D It was good to hear his voice and when he prayed, the fervor lol and yes after he closed and said amen, i reached for the bin and puked it all out. So I was left to just deal with the crazy head.

It's all over and i'm still smiling at The Legends of The Guardian, thinking of Sorum and his little sister which are the cutest things that makes me smile and remind me daily, fight a good fight! Listening to my beloved Jacky Cheung, sings like a daddy :D heh heh. I'm like feeling all aww all over.

It is always easy to start off well (i am a pretty good starter) but terrible at keeping things going in between and towards the end, I'll make a mad end dash towards the finishing line cause all I will want to do is just finish it good or bad, finishing is all I ever want to do sometimes.

Serving the final four weeks here has been harder than I thought, especially last week, where I kept falling ill and the flu that knocked me out for 4 days. It's a hard fought flu to recover from, to recover in time that I'll make it for the retreat (which does make me think if it was a good choice). All I know the past week has been a week of grace that brought me through and through, to have enough to make it through.

Talking to the boy yesterday has made me realised one thing - Base your life on emotions/feelings and watch your world swing from a week of faithful to a week of faithless, because it is what you think what it is. It reminded me of Eugene Peterson's - Getting to know your identity isn't about getting to know yourself but in knowing what God thinks of you, that you are transformed only when you know what your maker thinks of you. That will be the reason why you are living, discovering your calling and the gifts He has entrusted you with.

It doesn't matter how long you've been a christian, how many mission trips you have been, how much you know the bible but it is about your relationship you have with God. TMT 09 shirt spells it out, It isn't a religion but it is a relationship with God. Simple as it may sound but it baffles a whole lot of people that again and again, we try to fix God up in a box, tell Him a list of endless to do lists/excuses and boundaries and asking Him to work within it because that is what we signed up for.

So we worship/sing/pray, oh Lord be the centre, take us deeper, we want to see your face and when the opportunity rises, for it is what we have prayed and God comes in and tries to take us deeper, we freak out and tells Him a list of a million reasons why it can't be me/not me/i can't do it/my past/my failures. Everytime He tries to break the boxes again, we find another fig leaves/box to try to box Him up once again and to do it within our comfort levels again.

Again and again, the cycle goes, I sit and watch and realise, how classic we humans are, that we try to think of a billion "new" ways in being creative and coming up with stories into reasoning out with God why it can't be me.

It is scary to realise how much we spend our lives going through this cycle again and again, 3/4 of our lives fighting this, to realise the truth that I write in a yellow stickon note that I paste on my monitor that I stare at it each and every single day to remind myself as I start my day of work -

"Sometimes, some things can only be discovered through passionate pursuit and desperation" - Bill Johnson

Sometimes, we pray that we just want to seek His face/His presence, circumstances shows the heart of it why we are seeking His face/presence. When we want it hard enough, when we want Him hard enough that if we really aren't going to experience Him today, we're going to feel like we're better off dead, then perhaps we haven't really found the reason worth living for.

Talking to the boy always makes me realise more truths that as I talk it out to him and I myself reflect and realise the best advice and note to self every single day I awake, "fix your eyes on Him". It is that important and the moment we lose sight of Him, we lose sight of the very hope we carry each and everyday in us and we will forget to live from His presence and it is when we will settle for everything else because we have forgotten who He was and what He has said over us and what He has destined for us.

A momentary lapse, an endless cycle of scurry, a fall, a pick up and how we'll have to learn how to once again, fix our eyes on Him again. The biggest encouragement each and everytime you fall and have to pick yourself up again, is how much stronger you come back after you fall and how it etches a memory at the back of your head, a lesson of the importance of running with Him and along side Him.

By the grace of God, here is another day, waking up was a terrible pain and hard thing to do this morning I felt like giving it all up. Screw it, screw work. He somehow doesn't give up on me whenever I do and that is all that is sufficient to take me through, not because I can, but because He will.

Listening to Hillsongs - Yahweh (Hillsongs Chapel) version cause I heard Joel playing it during the retreat and how he was saying I'll like it. It is true, i like intimate/stripped bare and simple worship.

Reminds me of the greatness and how big you actually are, and who I am, in you. Did I say how I love the word and the name Yahweh. The depths and widths the name holds.

I love you, beautiful one.

The build up till today has made me realise who and what are the things that wrenches my heart and drives something to stir from within that literally drives you to your knees and cry out to Him. I've never felt anything like that but so far, I know there isn't alot of people who are able to do that in me.

As I was walking towards the bus stop that was near Collyer Quay, with the chill wind blowing around, my emotions were surging on the inside. I don't think you ever know if you have the ability to make me feel the way I do. I struggle, cause at the end of the day, we do share something going on. The times spent, the stories shared and the thoughts and heart felt emotions, they were real.

Before it reaches to deeper depths to the relationship, it takes a beating and situations happen and things changes. Hoping things would return to where it were but I guess as much as the time invested and poured out into the relationship, to hoping what are the things that one could expect out of it right now, isn't going to reap any outputs out.

Everything starts from ground zero again and everyone's on the floor now, picking each other up. Times have passed, situations have taken place, perhaps some parts of understanding we have of each other will be required to either be updated, realised and understood so we're able to pick each other and carry each other and run off again.

Perhaps if it was never to just be the way it was before, the relationship was not as deep as it is supposed to be.

It is the question if we are ever going to let each other in to each other's lives again and how deep is it going to be. It is never going to be very easy cause the next time round if we do make a chance and an invitation, you have known what the brunt and pain and the amount of hurt it is capable of will remind you of what a close relationship is suppose to mean.

This is the defining moment, we can all take time off for each other to heal but at the end of the day, the question still comes of where do we go from here after you do feel better and how far do you want to go from here.

No one can do this alone and we all are struggling. Being humans, who doesn't doubt when one experience pain and where pain is prevalent, sometimes you would love to make the easiest decision of just sitting by and watch, choose to be a bystander cause there isn't anything you can do to change anything, we stick to status quo where it is safe and comfortable and no further damage is inflicted onto each other.

You wonder are you the chosen one really, who's given the ability to speak into each other's life - can the relationship take it? If it isn't able to take it, it often leads to shattered pieces, disappointment, anger, resentment, broken hearts, hurt and someone has to come in and pick up the pieces. So is it the reason why groups needs overseers? haha.


-You are only able to love to the same extent you feel pain -Kris Vallotton

I remember we said we were suppose to walk each other through, how we got excited sharing about what we saw each other, and that very thing that drew us together would be the very thing that we argued about.

"How can that person say who he/she is when they are acting that way they are now".

No one can understand if we're gonna look into things in the physical eyes and make our very own theologies and assumptions cause our beloved limited mind cannot comprehend the magnitude of the promises that we have and kept in our hearts about the person.

Perhaps this is a transformation of our minds of each other, only then may we really learn to love and grow in maturity the way we should.

The only very thing that is going to work now is to focus once again on the things that brought us back together initially and start sharing what He is doing in our lives to rekindle again the love we have for Him and in each other's lives that we valued so much. There isn't any fast antidote but I believe the power of coming together, declaring, proclaiming and worshipping together as we always did would have done it. Mere dinners just have something missing.

It is when we stop talking about Him that we start filling our voids of other subjects cause being humans, we are relational.

It is when we know there is nothing we can do but everything a God can do. May we one day meet again and share the same passion and love for Him and one another again, to realise we do share the same goals and perceptions have never changed and live out the very promise that we said to each other and to share the greatest joy of walking and journeying each other on our exciting destinies.

I still remember who you are, and you are really going to be amazing, each and every one of you, cause you were born to rock.

I value your comments and cause of what you said, I didn't watch the movie, cause heh. i do believe what you say and shared.

When we prayed for her, it immediately brought back fond memories of TMT09 and I smiled cause it was the very thing that brought us together and what we shared.

Hillsongs - This is Our God album reminds me alot about you. Its the album we talked alot about. The Stand/You'll Come were like our theme songs. Nothing but the blood is always significant.

You live the reality that you believe, so which do you want to live in? We.

Life has gotten alittle bit tougher in the mornings when I wake and before I sleep. Feels from time to time that I have been slammed by a flat, foldable chair on my back, that make you want to cry out in the morning or perhaps think twice before you start your day or perhaps think about what are you living another day for. Still surviving but the bus trip home made me really feel like I was going to collapse. A supposedly short ride home seemed to have taken a longer time or was it just me that I manage to plug into my iPod and rest for abit, and make my walk home. Decided to have some porridge for dinner though I thought heading straight for bed and sleep till tomorrow morning seems to be a nice idea.

I guess now that I'm done with dinner, downloading a couple of ads to read on what is going on with the world, unwind to some soaking music, I should be tucking in soon before waking up early tomorrow morning and do what I need to do. Weekends pass really fast and I thank God I neednt need to work this weekend as to what was planned. Good to spend good time with my love ones. Ones that always makes me want to hang out longer with them and never say goodbye, wished the day doesnt need to end.

Guess I'll turn in now and somehow I'm thinking of mr when dreams becomes reality, what else can you be living for. Hope you're ok man.

:( I'm soo sad today. soo soo sad, I think it's time to say goodbye to Tiffany. Sigh, I can't imagine how I just misplaced it just like that, all to do some dish washing and I can't exactly remember if I placed it into my pocket or above the microwave area.

No news from either side, it's been 3 days. Perhaps you're gone, perhaps this is some kind of closure for me, I realise I hold my bracelet/necklace very dear to me. If ever you do come back, I'll promise I'll keep you in my bag the next time round sigh. God, I want my bracelet back! :(

Everytime I look at the time passing and it has past September already, I've past my one year at SII, survived a year of work life and passed it. Things that were deemed impossible, where it was so hard to walk through the first 6 months of it, I'm glad I got through it, every single day, pulling myself out of bed to work and trying to give it my all and understanding it all, where I was where I was and what He was trying to teach me.

The entire year of experience has been - being faithful with whatever you have and no matter of how much how little/small you think it is, watch how He works and multiplies on because of what you have and what you will to Him and how He grows purely because of your act of obedience and faith.

He honestly hasn't failed me at all, not for the entire year but He hasn't failed me at all for my 23 years of my life and how many times just due to some difficult circumstance, we suffer a momentary memory lapse and forget His goodness, promises and faithfulness.

I sit and ponder what on earth burns inside of me or wonder what is it gonna be like in the next couple of years. It's honestly all sketchy but I know it will be fun and very exciting (of course expect some knee jerks and hard circumstance) but journeying with Him doesn't make it at all too daunting.

Perhaps all I need is more faith and perhaps all I have to do is to trust Him even more and take the first step and dive in deep and watch what happens. It is very exciting times we're living in. I should draw more faith and yes, it is still in me and I still cry everytime I hear/watch of people coming into His presence and being in His presence, that majestic presence that makes you fall at your feet and that soft touch that you yearn for that when He comes and touches you, you become a pile of jello-mess.

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky

I've one more worship list to come out with, and so what is gonna be on this list.. Hmm. Time to grab some food, I'm hungry again!

So many things has happened these weeks, but I realised one lesson before leaving for Malaysia, was the importance of each person who call themselves the sons and daughters of the most high. I started to see even more of each person, why we were placed into relationships with each other.

Honestly, I've never been on a stage of relationship (apart from a lover) whereby I had one, this deep, intimate and close that yes, just by looking at their faces, I can tell what they are thinking and by the time we give an answer to our replies, they all coincide, same timing, same thoughts, same phrase, all at the same time. Yes, that is the impact of this special bond this bunch of people have and I treasure them with my life, perhaps due to the circumstances that we have journeyed through and is still journeying, but above all, the likeness of mind of how much more we just desire to seek His face, it is like a group of people who all they ever want, was to dwell in His courts forever.

These past few weeks that time has past, was all a reminder of the importance of what Love is. Love that is often misunderstood, desired or seek after, but few manage to find what the real meaning of it means. How humans were created with the innate desire to be loved and to love.

"And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. (3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV.

This bunch of people have taught me or have shown what is it like to love and in their very own ways, to love the Lord and be faithful with what the Lord has given them with. I appreciate and thank God for each one of them for they have taught me things that they believed and lived out in their daily lives, as we journey through our daily lives with one another.

Eunice - For your wisdom of your word and insights, it's amazing and refreshing
Alvin - For bringing heaven down onto earth each time you worship/call/pray, you are God's beloved son
En Min - For living a life of loving Jesus, of teaching me what the bride is and how one can fall head over heels and be intimate with Him
Cass - For seeing and sharing alot of things that the mere mind cannot see and understand, but the eyes of the heart can
Mark - For your prophetic words

I'm all still learning through each one of you but with each other, we have built each other up and helped one another gain another perspective in our walk of Him that we would otherwise take a much longer time to fulfill in this journey alone, all to help us grow deeper in our walks with Him, that the more you realise, the more you have to go and it only shows the glory and the infiniteness of Him.

As we each become the light of Him in each of your very own ways, may we never forget the seemingly least in our midst for the first shall be last, and the last shall be first, how each and everyone is important and there's a reason for each and everyone of you. May we continue to grow in love, for it is the greatest commandment, which is to love.