I don't know what on earth I am feeling. This sense of helplessness, nothing-you-can-do, and nothing i can do to make me feel better kind of thing. That your phone had to die, and when we were supposed to meet, i waited 4 hours for you. Its ok if you tell me say you can't make it. No answers no nothing, i was left hanging. (No this is not my boy). Its also someone dear to me, Bak Tuti.

I can't say anything, i can't blame anything. I just went on with the day. I packed my feelings and emotions up, i was praying to God, please don't let me see you at my place. (Till mom called me "Wei, where are you? Tut's down here") I was like "ok." I was so afraid because I would be too upset to face you, I'll splurt hurtful things out. Thank God I didn't. But when I saw your shoes. It tore me up. "What do i have to say, and what is reasonable to behave in front of you". I only splurted "wah, kamu masih di sini yah." you went "tunguh kamu" i went "buat apa". It made no sense to me at all already. Mom got my message "Wah, why like that. To chit chat lah". Of course it was obvious but no thanks, not after all that is happened.

I saved space in my tummy for lunch together like how we always do. We planned this together cause its been months since we met. You're always busy, ok i understand. So how about this week? I wished you said "no" to me earlier to spare me from my agony now. I could wait. and wait again. Its ok, afterall I've been waiting. I'm not new to the idea that you can't make it.

Then i went up for the shower, to least bring me to the 4 walls and think and logicalise my feelings. Why am I feeling the way I do if I say i'm not angry at her, if i wasn't going to meet her, its not her fault, its the phone that died. I blamed NO ONE. I blamed myself. For being sooo silly and crazy to have waited there. I was with people, least it helped made the wait easier, but my heart wasn't there. My heart was with the phone, redialing to your number, if the meeting was still on. I can take rejections. I can take "sorry, i can't make it". I'm not new to that, its ok to get turned down.

What irks me alot alot of times, is being left hanging in mid air. Oh God. To me its the most senseless things that can happen. Its like taking no decency for the person waiting for you. I just thank God Mummy called, so thankful. It ended my endless wait. When the kids had to go home after jamming, it was like "that's it man joyce, head home". I've been asked my chass again and again "joyce, wanna leave?" I just wouldn't leave. Sam: "Joyce, you coming?". I would have said yes to everything else. But here's everything. I'll wait till the cows come home for people to turn up, if it takes for me to wait. Ok, wait. If you're that special someone, it means waiting till kingdom comes, i'll still be there waiting.

If anyone wants to put me through this test, try. Just don't like it when tests of devotion or loyalty comes into play. I'm glad I didn't let myself down. I'm glad I waited. Though the result was something else. I have nothing to say, no one to blame. No anger thrown on anyone. I just want to be alone, suck this entire thing up. Crying doesn't help me get better. I cry, cause its my form of release. Could be the disappointment, could be just "how could you leave me there waiting?". Leave me there dangling in mid air - watch me there. Thank God mom realeased me. I just felt released when mom called. Thank God she called, and thank you mummy. The call meant alot to me.

I've got no answers. no one to throw the blame on or at. I lock myself up in the room, alone. And just have it all to myself. Its shiok. releasing, but it gets my nose blocked up real bad. Hard to breathe but i'll get this out. When you repeatedly say sorry. I wish you could say more to sorry. But there really isn't anything else I guess you could say. and "the phone died". As facts often has it, it hurts. And i'm facing the reality of it. Walla Walla. Once again it has proved my theory right. "man fails, that's why we all need a God". I really don't know how am i suppose to react "rightly". And i still haven't found an explaination to my profound cry babyness today. I think of you, the tears well up. You sent an sms across to say sorry, i type my reply, the tears seem to well up again at my eyes. WHAT AM I SO UPSET ABOUT! ITS JUST SO RIDICULOUS. I don't know man. Maybe its just disappointment and kids that just go back to their rooms and be on their own. Give them time they'll be fine as per normal again, and be all hah heh hoo.

Thank God for Gan-paps. I didn't even know I was not sounding like my normal self ahhaa. No wonder i asked the question a good 4-5 times. "is the thumbdrive with you?". I thought it was you not being specific. Waiting for the train home, i realised its me. Me not getting the point "yes your thumbdrive is still with me". -With you = its with you at your side now.

I was on "dumbfounded mode". Nothing goes unto her. I really didn't realise I probably didn't make sense. I still probably won't be making sense till for a while now. But thank God, God's been good. Glo-bus, results really is not bad. He's provided, and thank God for lovely group mates for the game. Thank you thank you. God get me through this.