actually this thing i don't intend of blogging it at all. but i really don't want to put on the glasses and hold a pen and write it down on my beloved book. too lazy rather so rant here yar.

its crazy. the way things went off. i sensed something anyways, arhahar. You sms-ing more and more regularly lately especially at nights. and it usually means one thing. cause when night hits, the alone peeps can't help but start wishing they had someone by their side. humans are really delicate creatures and you can't help nodding and agreeing more that every one here, bachelor or bachelorettes out there. wish you had someone, come on. who wouldn't?

and pop went everything. it spilled. arhhaar. the hidden thoughts and feelings you thought it was hidden wasn't really entirely hidden. it opened up fresh recollections for me, and a little of fresh wounds. its painful but ahrhaar. i guess i faced it calmly rather than with a rush of blood to the head. i'm thankful that i gave myself time to think about the things i believe in and the things that i started out doing.

a blind person must have been so blind to not have seen the definite 180 degrees change in the attitude that i had in him. yes i was looking on at someone else but it didn't mean i threw him all at a corner. i still cared. but the level wasn't that high anymore. for now, look into my eyes and search my conscience and heart and ask me who is in my side. no one. arhahar. no one stands there for the moment now again cause everything has become all blurry again. no image of anyone except for the usual suspects of the family and friends that are always around me and yes. what else can be missing and it cannot be missing, which is my constant in touch with God.

then i was turned back to the question which i told myself "we are so not gonna be ending up together" kind of thing. it was so definite an answer [not that i'm doubting now] but he and me knows the thing we've been keeping and we've been knowing the answers all along arhhaar. seems like we do know each other really well. we shared so much more about life and the things we want, the future, the current insides, the experiences, the opinions on matters. the likes and dislikes. the common thoughts we have on marriage, arhahar. its not on our minds arhhaar. our topics degresses very far yar. till kids ahrhar. we can go on forever. as usual.

but it spins back on the part, is this all part of the loneliness feelings that it gets the better hold of him. but arhahar. doesn't really matter to me as much as it is, cause stubborn as i am. i'm continue walking again arhahar. pick myself up, walk on again arhahar. we'll leave it off as we left off as friends and it remains that way arhahar. i don't have any guts to go against what will be the eventuals. it has happened arhahar, though different but when this one is one crazee eventual. when we stand by different faiths and different race. arhhar. beat that one. possible to many in many sense but for me, its impossible and honestly, i don't have and wouldn't want to go against it. You've got a great family there. and may it continue being peaceful and happy with one another lar. if its a belief that one couple has to belief in the same things they do, its the way it is and there's a reason why that was so. as much as i stand firmly on this point, it makes things so much easier. imagine doing the fasting together and stuffs like that, the family is whole. no grudges, no differences, all in one circular united team. and yes, its not on the faith alone, but alot of things lies with me and myself. arhhar. years ago it has been me and the problem still lies with myself but i'm fine. arhhaar. i'll stick to it. arhhaar. just grow old being single and serving the Lord lor. wharhhaahar. ok not funny. but i'm serious too.

i wish to tell this to him but i don't want to seem like one ignorant fool who only thinks bout myself and cares about my very own affairs. i couldn't. cause it'll definitely bring about a very strong stubborn side of myself, but this is one part i can't help not being stubborn with. but all i can say to him is we can remain friends and yes, asks him to keep his doors and windows open but all he diverts it to "i open them at the right time". i seriously hope he keeps tabs around him. matters of the heart are often fragile. and i'm being cautious with this and so is he. God keep this the way it is. you ain't getting younger. =) nice chap but its the way it is i supposse.

School's starting tomorrow and i'm geared up for this final sprint. i always lurve final laps. the word final sounds like something worth taking up every ounce of energy you have left and put it forward for that one push. i'm always like that. in anything, long distance, everything in the middle are so blurry. so up and down but when it comes to the final part, when the finishing line is in sight. i lurve having that outbursts of energy coming out. i'm bubbling up and down ready to meet everyone again but ahahrhaar, on a cautious note, 7 months and its a good deal to see how things and places and positions have changed. very interesting and things are already changing. it always does but thats life isn't it. you cant stop the changes from coming but you can change the way you react to this changes. mercy and grace to be all starting school tomorrow. again. its time to feel young. get stuck in that queue for that very bus. running rushing. dressing younger. looking shabbish. my dears. you're all seniors already. you made it this way. keep pushing. =) we'll get there. and give each other a pat on their backs. for a well deservedd 3 years of running and getting to a stage clear mode and to another phase of this long and ardeous journey callled. life. welcome aboard you ah pirates. you've just been taken on a ship. =) enjoy your journey ahead. rest well peeps. lurves.