joyce has officially screwed up again. ok. promise myself i won't do it again. i remember being told to not post it anywhere else, but i just killed myself. i think it took quite awhile before the memo came in really kindly that reminded me that i just did something i shouldnt have done. i'm sorry really for what i did. ain't anymore times. no more. =)

sucks totally to have screwed up. i hate it. and probably as a wake up call to know i'm in a pretty much screwed up in some sense. i feel myself being a joke of everything. in a moment of time i can feel glad at certain things but that sense of gladness all gets overwritten by this other feeling. of screwed-up ness. its like this word that spells or hangs around my neck saying "screwed up".

my sense of joy in myself is not in its all time high for all i know. my level of coldness in my jokes aren't as lame as it should be or it probably is but it doesn't last. i lost my sense for a moment of joking. the humour seemingly seems to have dissapated into thin air. gone. i hope its gone for a moment. let me get myself fixed first. i smile. i do the things i do, but this feeling's eating me somehow. arhhar. it stopped chomping but the bitten pieces that have been bit, needs some time to be healed.

cause things have moved abit too fast. so fast. i'm trying to catch up. pretend that i've done it. but in actual fact, i'm lagging behind. i don't wanna move on. i know i have to move on sooner or later, but for this apparent one, i seem to have stumbled.

like a little girl's eyes stuck on this favourite teddy bear in the shop. refusing to let that bear get out of sight of her. but her mom's pulls her tiny hand held by the bigger one urging her to move on. but the kid refuses to budge. couple of steps forward but the little girl's eyes are still stucked on the teddy bear. her mom decides, its alright the kid will catch up with her later. and decides to walk on. the kid stares on at that teddy bear which has caught her eyes. there's no tears in her eyes. cause she knows, she can only look on at it. she'll never get to bring it home [cause mommy thinks she has enough of bears at home to play with] to neither play with it nor either get the chance to even pat it on its head. [unless she plucks up enough courage to head in throguh that big store's door and just pat that bear for one time. and face the risk of either being chased out or being embarrassed by the store owner of "don't touch. its expensive." or it could be having that nice shop owner who decides to take the bear down from the store front and allow the little girl to play with it. if the shop's owner is the kindest soul on earth, he'll say, "ouh, great. i happen to have a poloroid camera, you look so cute with the bear. let me get a shot for myself and one more you".

and all in all. the little girl will come to realise. it'll be another one of those many walks down the shops, down the many streets which she'll walk, as she grows up. things may catch your eyes, but it doesn't equate to having that very thing that steals your attention. and to realise that to every thing out there, there'll be owners to the items. some might treat them like treasures, some might treat them like thrash. but you ain't got a say. cause some things are just meant, to be the way they are.

the little girl continues looking at the teddy bear from the store front. she dreams of the endless possibilities of how she might just be able to steal some time playing with the bear. fantasizing how nice the shop owner will be. snapping shots of her and mr teddy bear. just as her thoughts sank deeper, and the smile on her face grew wider. it had to come.

"darling, sweetie.." that familiar voice calling her, which she pondered for a moment who that person was for a moment. "that's sweet." she thought for a moment. but then the voice spoke again. "honey. dear.." this time with footsteps approaching fast behind her. *gasps. who's this person. and that person took her by her tiny hands. *little girl gets frightened*

she looks at the reflection of the glass window. "chey. mummy arh... -_-' , i thought who lar." mommy goes "you stare at the glass window, want to stare how long ar? like you're going into the glass window like that. don't need to enter the shop also already inside the shop lar. come on, this bear so not cute. come come, sure you can find one that'll be cuter. lets go." so little girl nods her head and proceeds walking on with her tiny hands held safely in the bigger ones of mommy. teddy bear will only remain in her memory for as long as she can remember. and only remain that way of something that can be cherished with what she saw that very day at the store front. she'll probably sneak by the shop after school and look on that bear till the bear finds an owner =)

*shrugs. i just felt like writing that out. that picture just came into my mind as i was just sitting down. having pictures of those scenes in my head. i'll never understand months back then, what is wrong with just keeping in a more regular contact with 1-2 of your regular guy mates. its always fine in the initial moments but it gets terribly wrong when those caring feelings as an ordinary friend turns out more than what you expected for. its painful the first time around. as though i didn't get the entire message of the first time, it had to hit me 2 weeks after i recovered from getting over Mr I. stucked in such a contridiction of myself, whereby i was singing praises last time of him months before, whereby whatever he texted me turned real sweet. but the off and cold treatment doesn't work dear. i'm tired and for me. its just something i have to face. if its God and my love. I'll choose God still. so I guess may you be blessed with someone who's more suited for you =) arhhar.

came another one. arhhar. now this time. this one was someone i asked for it [not blatantly asked for but my current situation, i have myself to blame only.. arhahar.] i blatantly gung-ho-ly just went on to chat as i always do [okok. sometimes do =)] i really enjoy the jokes you crack. your good sense of humour arhhaar. those feelings were inside me really way back young then. but those days, i doubt i'll ever understand the meaning of what it is. to the certain degrees of affections. it could fall in any of the inital categories. i never did tell arhhar. and i'm 19 now. i'll still never confess anything. beat me. smack me. i'll never confess. but the memories are still etched at the back of my head. the names you call others. duh. i guess i should just let them be the way they were back then. and till today. and the following days to come. =) for i guess i'm meant to be stucked on looking at the backs of you all. till i find an eventual reason for me to move on. which i think i probably have. stay happy both of you no matter where you are. and both of you have the same problem. believe. believe and you'll see. be happy.