Its nearly 1am now.. I stepped out of my bedroom after working on some project. [I'm still not done yet as i blog]. It rained. lovely. seeing the rain. drip out of da window. the smell of da rain. in da night. makes everything just lovely. something to calm my senses down. Just thought of letting my thoughts here first before i head back to work and get everything completed. Tomorrow is another day. Pretty packed one. School is just getting packed.

Weekend was great. Spending it over at my cousin's aunt's place. To celebrate da aunt's birthdae wif a barbeque. Chef of da dae wif my cousin. but somehow. harhar. food wasn't marinated toOo well at times, soOo food was just o-kay. didn't had much drinking session, just dat bout but the effect was there. harhar. enough to put me to bed.

Was it ytd or todae dat i said it. i think was saturdae where i opened my mouth. and said it. I called it off. [ as much as i felt guiilty ]. Fridae. i sensed i had enough of it. when he asked if he could peck me. hahar. i had it. explainations time over and over again. i told him i wasn't the one he was looking fer. and in any case. not close to da ones of his gurlfrenz dat he had. I told him right from da start. I was reallie DIFFERENT> hahar. i doubt anyone sees dat point from my point of view.

2 months into it. he has changed [fer the better]. but yeah. lookin at it. there's somethings were things are to be dat way. harhar. the possessiveness in ppl times can drive one person's nuts. the difference in thinking. drives each other to a corner. one can never understand how come he can never lay his hands on some things. while the other. feels. u dun nid to show ur love and affection the way u "used" to do. soOo much soOo fer the differences. but the main part. prompted me to do the thing i should have done soOo earlier. the main big fact. "How well do u noe each other".

Harhar. dat was it. i had to do it man. The fact was dat always i felt. i didn't reallie noe him dat well. i doubt he knew me the person i am. harhar. toOo different. though as much as one can say. I reallie am getting to noe u better. but i reallie nid to do the thing dat i love doing. and i nid to do it. is to watch someone from afar and get to noe the person slowly. den..

That whole process is gonna take time which doesn't matter a whole lot to me. but i think it matters to someone else much more den it matters to me. Slow and easy fer me. never works fer ppl. harhar. Mom tells me i play things toOo coOL at times, it drives da guys nuts. harhar.. Blame it on da way i grew up. toOo independent. soOo fault fer me? hahar. I dunnoe. but i just love relying on myself. me. and i. harhar. yes. frenz. family n da one up there. da list goes on where i reallie look to dat boifren. harhar.

I haven't feel dat i can rely on someone. cause something has confirmed something. wad's solid rock stands firm. someone who has stood by me all these while. hu else but the solid rock over the years. weathered wif me through the stormiest days of my life. the eupheria of my life. every single step. i believe he watched me through day one. dat's the first thing dat i think of. and run to ever single time i nid a pillar to lean on. [now is dat something dat is wrong wif me?]

God. it puts me in such a dilenma at times. it runs me weary. dry. tired. "leave me alone" attitude. I realise i can never never substitute my faith fer anything else. I just dunnoe y. I cannot realise this one point. this is the second time i'm committing this mistake. and i dunnoe why. and wonder when will i be able to fall. and rise and learn to stand tall. at the one point. i nid someone hu shares dat most important fact. priority in life.

Somehow, i just realised it all over once more. I can never change dat priority in my life. somehow, u feel. "weird". and next thing u'll be sensing those "guilt" in u. as much as u noe u wad ya supposed to be like "findin da other half." hu's probably a child of God. harhar. kind of bothers me, i nid someone to share dat. harhar. wad ya listening to. when u dun apply it. it just makes u dat "traitor" feeling.

I was being asked. "tell me u wanted to commit. but how much have u commited" harhar. i noe i tried. harhar. but its jux toOo much of a bugging issue. when a voice tells me. "halloe, joyce? wad u doing?". as much as the feeling of being cared fer. loved. looked after. brings u high up there among a cloud by the no. 9. it brings u back to earth. in one huge loud thud. and u wake up.

Rain's getting heavier now. like someone's sharing his thoughts wif me. [i feel u ah pa]. :) times i feel. i've just gotten myself in another mess. fer bringing someone else rite down. back down to earth wif a huge thud toOo. he's feelings fer me are reallie deep man. i dunnoe if they're true or not. somehow. there's something behind them. i just dun kind of seem to fall fer the entire thing.

Jayson told me. "ya not ready fer anything". which could be. but more den dat. Its been toOo manie things going on around me. I nid to get to the bottom of things. when things settle. and if things are meant to be. i believe they are. waiting fer the cloud to settle. and holding on to dat faith of mine. refusing to let it go. harhar. i love my ah pa. harhar.. =)

May God look after me lor. [which i'm sure he does] harhar.. Keep walking. Sem's tight this time. manie things happening. watch where i'm heading. stay out of trouble [i hope].. *holdin on.

Oh well. gotta head back to management stuffy now. Chop chop. and head to bed. nite's soOo coOL now. nitey.