The last song that i liked last time when i was young. i knew i didn't like it. it sounded boring. but i just had the feeling of hearing it now. it goes.

"would you know my name
did i saw you in heaven
will you really sing
if i saw you in heaven

I must be strong and carry on. cause i know i'm going home. here in heaven

would you hold my hand. if i saw you in heaven
would you help me stand. if i saw you in heaven

i'll find my way. through night and day. cause i know. i just can stay here in heaven.

well, that's all by hearing ahrhar. if i didn't get the lyrics. but now that I grew up to understand the song, yes it is a beautiful song. i like the part where it asks me to be strong. ahrhaar. i'm seriously tired. its sooooo trying at work. arhhar. know why? cause i'm turning transparent. i seem invisible. ppl don't look me up to do small tasks or run errands anymore cause there ain't trust anymore in me =) i was busy last few weeks, but i suppose i didn't do a really good job with my carelessness floating and lurking somewhere around. oh wells. i try to get along with the days at work. times, with "pregnant lady" around kind of adds stresses up there. but aiyo. trying to pray for God's grace and mercy all day long to be with me. every morning before i wake up. its all i ask for. on top of wisdom. arhaar. apparently i think i don't appear smart at work. oh wells. i don't play pleasing game at work. arhhar. just trying to live my days till the end. trying to please ppl, is not on my agenda.

yes, i know my compatriot is way much better than me in many terms, yes. the world is cruel. they make me seem oblivious to their surroundings. ahhaar. i'm trying to get immuned to that too. do whatever i can. oh well. i don't bear any sour feelings anywhere with my compatriot cause i know she's better =) just complaining! oh wells.

times i really wished i drew myself into something i really enjoyed. instead of being greedy. yes the 5 day work week definitely sounds nice. but wouldn't it make sense to work 5.5 days and do something you like and not dread bout it. wish i was doing websites. imaging. anything. anything except asking me to draw data from one side to the other side. cause i probably sucked in that. i lost confidence in dat as much as the people in the office lost their confidence =) its hard finding a place to learn where there's place and space for you to err. in a fast past company, i was soo soo wrong to learn on that part. thanks to myself being a slow learner too i suppose. i just ain't got an affinity with numbers? and for goodness sake. it was my first time on full scale excel. i never liked the idea of it cause it always looks confusing to my eyes, i didn't bother to dwell deeper in it. i learnt it full scale whilst doing my job assigned. on top of what mr phuatt taught, it was hands on all on my own. but i think no one appreciated that part.

for all i tell myself. what i'm getting out of this is being somewhat much better than what i used to be at excel. developments round the regions. emerging markets and information. i just hope whatever will just be enough to not earn myself an F.

times i regretted myself. why didn't i follow what my heart was. why didn't i have more confidence in myself and choose something i really liked doing? even if it was learning, it was my own free will. encore. its the way for me to learn i guess. times i thought how stupid could i be, for getting myself in today's mess. life's messed up in a way, cause i no longer get the motivation to do the things that i love doing. like blogging. my guitar. watching my favourite dramas. i just sleep what i love doing. its weird. its pretty unlike me. but trust me. i'll find that self of me once this dreading 16 weeks is over. arhhar. yes i'm not good enough for them. so what's the whole fuss about it i wonder. in a world like dat, no one understands fully, what patience. time is.

Jie jie tells me to work on and stay on at IBM if i can. arhhaar. I violently object that. i wouldn't mind starting from the bottom else where doing something i rather love doin. honestly, not interacting with people isn't something on my list with just the computer all day long. people who understands me probably get what i mean. God will deliver me from this. arhahar. its what i cling on to. in addition to my dear mom. she's so sweet. she called me the moment i went. "die lar. make so many errors" she knows me darn well ok. she told me "aiya. dont think too much. u new mar. first time make errors mar" arhahar. oh well. i think she's really sweet these few weeks. hearing me. waking me up after sleeping by here side to get into my room. listen to me talk and adding soups to dinners to cheer me up. brew me coffee. to stay awake at nite to finish my work.

and with all the nose bleeding episodes, i get work done. i don't drool mucus ok. i drip blood everyday i gotten used to it. i think i did work prob as best as i can i think. no regrets. its what i can do for you. that's all. nothing more nothing less. thank God for people like mummy. cherise. ashley and KY. and to all around. thanks for making my day. in your each various ways. they all touch me. no matter how small the acts are =)