You're Inhuman That's what I am crying out now. A feeling that only I have and I think its how I feel now so badly about. Something I thought by sharing with someone would have made me feel better. It will make mom understand but she comprehends not a single thing. Something I can't share with most people cause either many are deeply in love or simply haven't had the chance to feel the way i do. whilst the simplest reasons is to just ignore everything and just carry out a relationship with him but things aren't the way it is.

Something I share whereby all my mom tells me is "Aiyah. There's so many guys out there". "Aiyo. Concentrate on your studies first lah". Haven't I already been doing so? Haven't I always been trying my best to achieve what she wants me to do. Put my heart and soul when it seems increasingly hard at times. whereby I'm only human and i do need encouragement at times. Can't you say something more then just these 2 mere sentences. I say, you're inhuman and leaves the room. Leave me alone.

I'm crying cause I've fallen for someone whom I know I can't be with. Cause i'm not allowed to. For what I believe in. To stop the cycle of my kids [if i do have any] of taking the route that i take now. For its not easy being the only christian in the family and its freaking trying alrite. when the temptations of just simply following the world seems so strong and denouncing your faith seems as such a simpler and easier path to take. Isn't it sensible to just leave what you believe in when it simply gets too trying? Just give it all up?

I chose the hard way. and WHY in the freaking world do I do that? For the 100% love of myself? well, hell no. Its for the freaking sake of every single one of you in this family. That we'll be the least together in heaven [even if we are not on earth]. Singing praises + songs of God. Telling others of God's wonderous love. Tell them that God loves them and that we love Him.

What mom told did and told me was totally inhuman. [I times wonder how cruel could she be with her words] When you're talking and all that matters to her is her all so important 9 o'clock drama? Forget it.

When was she really there when things / issues I needed to tell someone with. The only comforting things she did was saying some words when i dumped a guy. I don't understand you + You don't understand me.

I sobbed. I cried. I stuttered. FOR WHAT? Telling me i'm emotional. You're soOo strong. am i not human in your eyes? Can't I fall for someone? Think of it man? Didn't Jie Jie met Kenneth during this age. Haven't your son fell for someone at an age like that? am i sinning in falling for someone? God no. If you only knew the pain of falling for someone but you know you can't be with. DO you know for God's sake. Heavens. no. you don't. When the only pillar in the house and that is holding this family in tact is you. When I turn to you, for you are the only one i can relate to. You told me those words. Why thank you. But its not working.

I freaking cried. I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore, when what i saw in the guy that i wanted to be with was standing right in front of me. hmm. he's ok looking. arhahar. he had his hair styled today. he's soOo full of learning points. when we always go. "hey u look different today with short hair" he told me. when he takes note of small details and remembers things when you say once. hmm. for being soOo ever thoughtful. we went out for lunch at coffee club. its got yummy iced latte i tell you. he drank that. i follow lor =) when he arranged the meeting at a time and place he picked. i followed. when i woke up at 12am and found his sms that i was to meet him at 1pm at orchard. arhhar. when i told him i'll be late and yes i was darn late for overshooting the train first at dhoby ghaut and missing another train again from dhoby ghaut to orchard. when he said. "take ur time don't need rush abit". when the last time he did was to bring about an empty plate when we had seafood spagettheti. we talked and talked as usual. he likes astrology. and HEALING crystals making me laugh it loud and he went. I noe you strong christian. arhahar. lol. walk walk until in kinokuniya whreby we flipped books about everything. he talks about repainting his toilet to baby green which i thought light light green was an awesome color for the calming effect it had. where we looked out of the window and it was dark. i went. "hey its going to rain. ouh oh". He went. "aiyo. its night already. its 730pm" arhahar. when i realised. omigosh. i was shocked how much time had flied with him. that i actually wanted to be home for dinner with mummy. and made my way home but grabbing tako pachi for mama cause she said she wanted. i asked if he was dining in or out for dinner he said dunno as usual. but at the end grabbed this sausage prata. arhhar. with 5 mini sausages. asked me what i wanted. i said i no plans to eat but could company him to eat. he don't want. arhhar. then guess what he did. he took actually 2 toothpicks for the mini sausages. he offered me. "nah. come come eat". Me said. "I don't want.. full lar". He went "But I took 2 toothpicks you know for you" arhahar. I couldn't say no anymore lar. soOo thoughtful soOo i say thank you and "ok lar. i eat 1 u eat 4!" arhhar. soOo funny. but when parting and saying goodbye. I can't help not realising how attentive this guy is. when my mp3 player played James Blunt's You're Beautiful. "life is beautiful" was the first line. the last line goes. "but its time to face the truth. i will never be with you" i just teaared. then teared more while i crossed the road and walk that path home. then went to sent the tako pachi and just broke down in my room. i haven't realised that i had feelings for him. arhahar. worst is to realise that i actually do like him. maybe its love. most slightly it is the latter.

He had what i wanted. Many issues i held we shared. we discussed, there was nothing we couldn't have agreed more upon. talking them out makes sense. when we encouraged each other on during exams. which he did when i wasn't really keen on starting. i pushed when i doubted my own ability in completing the subjects when the odds seems to be stacking on me i felt. when my course grade for your information was mostly a mere C. I wasn't in the least of right mood to put in any more effort for your information but i had to get on with it. cause i feel in your eyes. a degree is what the least you want out of me. I wanted to give it all up and just scape past this semester. but i just did my best. I scream to God every single time before I start my revision. every single time i start my paper. I say a little prayer for everyone who's doing the same thing as i am. preparing to flip the paper and uncap your blue / black pen and start writing. whatever you studied. to perform and write all of them out on that piece of paper within that 1-2 hour. God was gracious enough cause i got a B for most of them. It was never my own effort. I couldn't have done it on my own. If not for the God i'm holding on to so ever hardly, i tell you.

I wouldn't be standing today where I am. I wouldn't have got so far. I would have been one of those brats you see out in those streets smoking my ass off. Running as far as i could away from home. doing the things that would have been deemed as exciting. i would have been into stealing. i would have become a thorn in your flesh. someone who none of you could have imagine me in. somone you wished you didn't bore. who could have understood the difficulties i was facing most of the time by myself before Indri came into my life. I almost went that way. I saw myself almost heading that way but God reminded me.

But God was gracious. He always put someone in my life along the way that kept me sane. Have you ever wondered why was i never home once schools ended. whether it is in primary school or in secondary school? I tell you why. I never wanted to be home which constantly kept me remembered of what it is at home. the pressure it is for me to keep up with my studies which i had little interest in. Nothing motivated me in school seriously, not studies. not the competition in class to be in the top 10-20 in class. not the fame that it would have been but when i was young. all i wanted was to simply please your expectations. i hated maths. cause you always wanted me to do things your way. ever wondered why i always did maths the exact opposite. i never wanted to understand the question. i never wanted to do them cause i never liked things that were supposed to be the way they were. i never studied chinese cause i never feel i wanted to learn in cause there was no one out there at home which i could have conversed in. i never wanted to do anything cause i like defying you many a times cause you never understood me i guess. i always love to be understood by ppl.

God placed my primary school mentor teacher miss bala in my life. its for her that i think she saw through me. she groomed me, i loved hanging around in school after school, hoping that she had something to be done and she would have to get help from the students which i was always the first one to raise my hands up and help. primary 5-6 i guess was when i started to become the person i am today. helping around in school till there was nothing left to do, then i went home. have dinner with you. do my homework as any student did. wash up. watch some teevee. head to bed. life was like that thoughout my whole 10 years in school. i did my homework cause i knew you hated failure and i didn't like to be in the bottom of the class. i studied so as not to be in the last in class.

Miss Bala taught some life lessons and some lessons which touches me most of the time. One who love encouraging students and i guess that was why i loved her lots. i studied cause she aroused me to work hard. she bothered why i could always do well in everything except chinese and maths which i had little faith. but she always told me "i believe in you" that was why in the final PSLE there was an A in the chinese and a B in my maths. I knew how to be sensible for everything you liked was what i pressumed as right. everything that you didn't like was pressumed to be wrong. i guess i wanted to please you soOo much soOo just to get your attention. Wondered what it was for you to hug me when i did well or something. The only reason why I became prefect in primary school was because the school principal liked me. Mr Fong. He saw me since primary one. You walked me to school only on tests dates and after that. it was all on my own. Till primary 3, when it was the nomination of school prefects, i think my name wasn't on the list [cause my form teacher was a maths teacher and i did badly in it]. Mr Chan the discipline master went around reading the names and saw the students outside class to tell them of the class, i wasn't in that batch to head out. Mr Fong came by and i don't know. I guess he told Mr Chan to add my name to the list. If my observation wasn't wrong. I knew i couldn't have make it onto that list cause my studies wasn't the best and as prefects, your grades had to be of some standard.

somehow i made it. i told myself constantly that i had to pass every subject. so as not to let Mr Fong down for his belief in me. Remembered how you went watching this movie about goose flying and i didn't want to. You gave me some money to hang around in the arcade. God knows, i spent them all and was really bored. i waited outside the arcade as i was told. Mr Fong came by, suprised to see me there of course. Asked me what was i doing outside the arcade and offered me money to play more games. i said no cause i know its not nice. he told me to be good and wait for you at the same place. Around primary 4, Mr Fong had somehow had a fall and had to move around in clutches and he wasn't the cheerful man i remembered but most of the time, he would stand outside the school gate, and ensured every single student went home after the flag lowering ceremony.

I rose up to the ranks i suppose, for doing my duties as a prefect dilligently and for doing so-so in my studies. but Miss Bala maximised my potential. constantly seeking the best for the students and wanting the best out of every student. she scolded me when i shirked responsibility in carrying out some simple duties like collecting excursion forms / money for assessment exercises cause i got tired of this pleasing everyone game. but she pushed me. continue volunteering all the time. do well in the things. she taught me responsiblity. taught me how to lead. how to make people follow you and in turn earn the respect from your peers. taught us how important it was to have a ECA. which i liked music somehow back then. actually what miss bala taught was more than enough to prepare me for my next face of life. which was secondary school. how miss bala showed her appreciation when you did well or when you helped out in school events [i was almost down for every single event every year since primary 3] she rewarded when one did well and i followed on and learnt what she taught.

I was close to turning bad cause i was hanging out with guys most of the time. and at that time happened to hang out with one person who actually stole something from a shop. it was a police report case and miss bala was involved. miss bala wanted to know who was actually hanging out with that bunch so cleverly asked "did anyone saw abel stealing.." i waited till after school to approach her and then told her i did. which makes sense that i was mixing with that bunch and abel's friends. i was freaked cause i didn't want to get involved [after an incident in school about some borrowing money incident that earned me a slap outside class from you] i never wanted to had any trouble in school after that slap i earned. she told me to stay away and ever since then. watched who i was hanging out with.

Practiced the same theory in secondary school, wasn't the most keen on being a councellor once again but i think it was cause of my record in my primary school as a deputy head, i rose up again in secondary 2. just trying to do my best in school. every year i walk by. every single year i thank God how He just placed 1-2 people at a significant part of my life while i grew up to ensure i grew up in the right way. Indri [my previous maid] grew me in my faith. asking me if i prayed to a God, but just told me to keep praying and give thanks to God. asked me if I did quiet time. and asked me if i start going to church. she encouraged me to. that if i miss one sunday, it would have been an "otang". She taught me many lessons in life once again. helped me in my secondary 1-2 maths. which i never like. but arhahar. somehow did well cause i was taught by a great teacher. i grew close to her cause you were never home on saturdays. she taught me how to cook. how to least fend off for myself if it is that i stayed alone that i don't get hungry.

that's how i came about my faith which stands today cause every single year i pass in my life, i look back and piece together the pieces at how much i was looked after and cared by an unknown being which existed in my life ever since i was young. for i loved talking to myself. and times just talked. i called out to that someone to pass my exams to get me through so that i did not need to face the beatings or the cold treatment i got from you if i failed my maths or my chinese. it worked that's why i continued talking to this unknown being. till later when i related it to Indri when she told me and revealed who this person was a God that i was seeking to. That you got indonesian maid after a certain period of time before indri came was that for me to learn the language of indonesian. to communicate with Indri. see how every single thing seems to fall into place?

That if you were to see it, that indonesia seems to be struck with quite a lot of turmoils that when tsunami came. i was strucked to see what happened. compassioned and in turn wanted to head over as a volunteer to help out as i can. for i believe that in times when you are in the lowest point of your life, when there seems to be no one out there who can least lend a comforting hand to you. when it seems that life has no more reasons of living. [i thought of suicide or running away from home really often when i was young to escape the beatings i expect to get when my grades wasn't of your expectactions]. I believe God could least do something in people's life. For God did just that onto me. When I had no one to turn to before indri came. that when i seemed to be like no one's child. as though no one bothered my existence. i was always brought to sense by people like Miss Bala who made me like school and give me a reason for a tomorrow. Never did i know i learn how to take initative, a lesson that was an awesome one till today. she always praised like "see how initative Joyce is" and i'll feel good deep down to know what it is doing good.

Its not till God granted me to head to Cebu for the mission trip do i see how actually the world is. yes, i've heard of the poor seen of the poor but have you felt and seen with your heart and eyes what it is. it compelled me to do missions which has been somehow been in my head ever since cause by God i believed He made you say yes when just before i was preparing for the trip to cebu, lassie's leg was fractured. and you had to have a hole in your pocket paying $600 bucks for the surgery. [Dogs cannot come to any harm in the house. cause you'll be blamed terribly. i was somehow responsible for the loss of the 1st lassie at home and was ostracised constantly by every member in the family cause its just human nature to blame the next related person. but aiyo. i was just a kid, and me too loved dogs ok. it was just that i trusted auntie to much i let go off my doggie when she said it'll be fine leaving lassie at a corner] You was soOo distraught about Lassie the second's leg fracture, i think you were going to say no to be leaving for Cebu. cause of the money you're gonna be coming out for both the trip and lassie.

Thank God He provided. that i managed to find a job and work for some time to pay some of the majority of the trip. That i still owe you $600 bucks till today which i'm working now at the expo to pay it off. and the rest from my coming attachment. somehow it all seems to fall into place i think. i think i might head off for another mission trip but don't know where to. is it back to cebu or is it to indonesia or is it to korea. korea's on the list not cause i like korean stars and want to head there. but i doubt it is by chance that i have an interest for things cause why wouldn't i have an interest in the taiwan / hollywood / japan entertainment media. i don't know arhahar. but what ever it is, i believe time will reveal everything.

I don't just do the things i do, and make the choice of standing so firm in the things that i believe in for your information. when it makes sense to just follow the world when the wrong seems right and the right seems wrong. it would have been so much easier wouldn't it have been? but this thing inside of me will always prompt me "joyce. do it". or "joyce! NO!" that it'll teach me how to cry. how to cry when i'm sad. how to cry when i sing praise or worship songs when some lyrics unknowningly touches my heart and i am brought down to tears. how it is to be sobbing, crying so hard but with thanks to God for everything He has done in my life.

If it has to be any confessions to be done in my life, God was all along with me and watching me and helping me up when i fell. to grant me the strength to move on when the odds just seem overpowering. to believe in myself little by little. to comprehend that getting your attention wasn't everything in the world. that living for God was what it is keeping me to live every single day. that i hope that people will one day feel and see the light with their eyes and heart. the joy of loving this God and the joy He brings to you. The hope among the disappointment and trials He place. In difficulties or tears, do you learn what is the meaning of what it is to believe. to hope. to live out what you believe in. i wasn't made sensible from day 1 of my life for i was the most stubborn kid and you can agree to it. i was the most defiant kid anyone could get for i was the ultimate when it comes to disagreeing or argueing with you or answering you back when i was young to earn me that slap or some ranting from you.

if only you could sit back and look back at how much you change since back then. reflect on how much you changed. no one can deny how much you have changed since 10 yrs back from now. How much your temper has subsided. how much your pursues in life have changed. that riches and money don't seem to have a hold in your life now. think bout your spending habits. think about the wants that you wanted in your life but not any longer now. piece together how your life has brought you till today's state. why some people are placed in your life and why they are no longer with you anymore. is to hopefully make you realise the lessons that that person has brought you to learn or has taught you but you have refused to acknowledge or credit that person till that person is gone. think why you have grown more regular and faithful in your faith and hopefully do you realise how much you used to object me heading to church to my baptism in becoming a christian. i hope one day you get to understand and see all these things. for they have all happened and everything happens for a reason.

if you would reason every single reason out. and see me. hopefully as a living testimony to you. that brokeness can be restored in a family. place your faith in God and see Him work cause i've seen Him worked and when you have doubts that why somethings miraclously get healed. it isn't from the chinese mediums you have gone to but your little faith in at thinking maybe prayer works. if you would have more faith. the impossible does come true. God's doing is beyond what a complex human mind can comprehend. that's why this faith is all not about going to church and been there. its about God doing things in your life that you have a living relationship with this God. to grant you the joys of living every single day. that you will live each day to the fullest and to what has been laid out in front of you. as much as trials and storms and obstacles come upon you. i think i'll hopefully get past this one as much as it pains me. for loving someone that i know i shouldn't. cause i know it will be a much greater pain next time that i chose to let go of it now. and i don't want to be breaking his close knitted family up. my family's pretty messed up but its alrite. i didn't turned out messed up as i thought i would. as i take comfort in this higher being up there. That all my hopes and joys and energry comes from Him. if only i could tell this to you which i never could face to face. i hope someone relay my deepest thoughts to you. i love you mummy. =) and if you're wondering who's placed in my life now to shower me with love and senses in life since indri left this home [we still catch up!]. It is. arhhaar. You, my beloved internet mummy. and to you. my other omma. Jojo omma. lurve you all.