yesterday has been quite a ridiculous night. that at times i feel, its a sin or curse to actually be too knowledgeable, you wonder, if by acting stupid might save your sorry ass.

sadly, because i do not want to see my dear mother, aging and still having to worry about all the needless repairs to the things that can go wrong, or spoilt, due to the wear and tear and passage of time, i learn to do alot of things which by default, i can say, i don't know how to do it.

this time round, its all over a stupid headphones (no, i still love headphones, cause I still love the music it provides me with). mom just went through a funeral, and dad expects her to do all these menial stuff, i wasn't being told of what was wrong. only to be called up in the midst of my happy-fun guitar session which I was so much in a mood to. might as well entertain myself.

only to be called up to be ranted at, and hurled quite a tad lot of needless anger issues he has. i thought i explained to him as to why some things just aren't done, but sadly, all he want is to have his say, like a 5 year old. Either on second thoughts, he might need the earphone to get him to sleep, cause silence doesn't work for him, like a lullaby. and it sure doesn't work anymore, he kicked up his fuss of hate, and anger and detestment on my attitude, character and what have you.

for one thing i couldn't stand, was being pushed off all over, or being pushed around by the weight of his money, of the money he provides, and his 3 million house. (which explains my detestment for money, or stucked up snobbish SMEs bosses). I give credits to you for being wise, in having the ability to run and manage a house, but i shall say, a family is not governed by your management-business tactics.

sadly, when talking to bosses like that, their minds are closed. so they think I'm just trying to be a smart educated varsity graduate, giving a speech, or teach them a thing or two. and voiced out their sense of detestment.

sadly, my education doesn't give me the principles and knowledge on life, but its through being educated somewhere else, and reading this powerful book. i wish i could tell you, but sadly, i didn't say anything, none of my mindless "educated" principles. cause it wouldn't have helped anything.

i left, for a walk with my ipod and jacket on, into the midst of all these "unnecessary drama", to quieten myself. And alas, to weep. Weep not because of the emotions of anger or hurt i felt, but sad at the point, there's some points that some will never get to understand. i wasn't particularly angry or hurt, purely because, whatever happened, wasn't something logical, and it came from a person at that point of time, did not make much sense to me. I will not take in senseless nonsense.

but i wept, hard. that sadly, at times no matter how hard i do try to help or least to make things work, it just never gets any better or appreciated. so you just struggle on to another session, working on and on. Appreciation or not, is not an option. I do it, just to help myself not get into unnecessary dramas, again.

This time round, i didn't have the chance to least save myself, in solving another spoilt item. I wasn't given time to figure what was wrong, or least, where or what thingy was spoilt. Just shot at, the moment you showed your face and asked a question "so what's the problem". Which is a necessary question if you need help.

but to the people of high pride, it hurts their man-ego, purely because, they can't do it and they need help. but for me, i need to know what's the problem before I can ever least try to help. I don't promise I can solve a problem but least, try to fix it and make things a little better than before (which usually happens).

people like these, are the most vulnerable ones and the ones requiring a great deal of help, because they're too helpless and lost, and frustrated. purely because they've just placed and bet their lives on the wrong principles, that trying to make it up for it now doesn't seem to go their way, and everything just seems to be going downhill, they're losing pwer and control. so much so for using money, to get things done, doesn't work anymore.

revelation is revealed. truth hurts, and they react in such anger, that i will have to go through this, because you can't handle the truth. i wish i can ever tell you all of these, but it will never get out, or into you, because you can never take it, and i do not wish to be miss unfillial. to drive you to your graves.

i just take it with me down to my grave i guess. (no i'm not suiciding), it just means, it'll just remain in me. i'm so tired of this same shit, of this same thing that has been going on and on. That its so easy to just pack your own bags and leave, for he has said it. "This is my house, you can live out on your own and get out".

it is very tempting but honestly, i need to resubmit that may it not be something that I want, but something that You want. You, give me strength please.