too beat to say anything, or write anything out. as for today, i'm totally zombed. partially because of the things i had to do today, photo taking can get physically draining. then the early mornings talk, totally trying to explain $2.80 to darius took literally the living daylights out of me (plays muse - time is running out) "you will be the death of me..." really really tiring, and it doesn't help in itself when i'm actually focusing my thoughts onto other matters.

explain, and today morning, trying to get into the problem definition phase. i was really wondering what was going on, why he was behaving the way he did (if that is called understanding). theory is, its easy to just get discouraged and sit back and moan and say and feel and think as though you're the only one on earth feeling the way you do. as much as i try to talk him out into "don't give up", "put in your best", "try again", "its ok". only could do so much, i'm limited in my means for i myself am trying to figure out and think on certain matters.

i came to a conclusion that in alot of times, as for myself as a learning lesson, sometimes and alot of times, things ain't going to what we perceive it to be, doesn't equate that things are not working. if only we learn to open up and see more options, maybe we'll get to understand things more, see things better, deal with them more effectively.

somehow i had this sense of just letting everything go, ahaha. stop pursuing, stop trying to get him out of his little rut hole all over again. let him do what he wants if he's comfortable in being in the rut then so be it. i'm like really zombed coping with my own things, ahaha. for the tough couple of weeks ago, at home with mom. now that things are better-ing up, like a source of her release of anger, she feels better. i'm patching myself up in a sense of rethinking everything i'm believing in on, working on, and putting it out onto actions. the entire process of things, what have been done right and what not.

seek comfort that i tried my best, and even if i fell flat on my face and failed, i know i always tried my best. =) like what my darling winnie said, feeling so drained and tired today, of the sum of the physical and emotional toil going through. I'm fine =) just totally in need of sleep NOW ahaha. rest rest rest.

with everyone saying i went down again, i'm like oh no. did i? ahha, i've been eating! hard to explain no matter how much i say, i believe ppl are thinking i'm suffering some eating disorders. ahaha NO!. i love food, but its just i haven't got that love as much as i used to, and i'm totally fussy over food these days. (want bread - find the right sandwich) - and i wonder ahaha how much of nutrients im eating and getting into my system!

anyways, today's been an amazing encounter with God. with what JJ said, worship during YA, and the slow walk to my cousin's place where it rained, and turned to a drizzle. amazing. spending time being quiet, taking the pictures and looking at the youths getting around their retreat program was definitely therapeutic, that it makes me focus on the things i can do than to the things i can't do a thing about =) fun and makes me feel soo old, hanging out with carol lim siang joo. she's insanity defined all packed into one. have to sleep, my eyes are gone. =.= to equal signs.