these week by far has been ok not least till the end of the week whereby i seemingly seem to just revert to my favourite habit of keeping myself up in the room. stay inside the room and sort things out in my mind before i head out there and face more people, and especially him. i just don't wanna flare and throw my foul, lousy mood. which did worked out as i decided to skip church while he went to church and i just had myself in the room. quietly, laying on the bed, awake as i stared into space and try to get an explaination to the mess of emotions that i was having to myself.

pretty burnt out on saturday alone for goodness knows why. i think its from the rushing of one place to another, from home to vivo, then to vivo to bukit merah for dim sum lunch with jie jie, mama, jinyi, carol, jarrett and sukina. then to school then to little india. for dinner with his family. bushed. dead-tired i could only stone. and when he ended up talking to me, it was monosyllabic. and could only give the answer. "sorry, i'm tired". nothing really happened till we he was driving and we started talking. bout a small problem ahaha, he had, we both were sharing our opinions on the matter and somehow 2 tired souls talking and talking, i got pek chek. cause it just wasn't getting anywhere. should just stop, cause i was tired aaha. enough. and i got short fused as i went back to my room and could only think of a conclusion before i headed to sleep was purely cause i'm angry at myself. pek chek at myself that i couldn't do more to give more answers despite feeling tired, and giving better opinions to problems. just not giving enough of 100% eats me.

and at the back of my head, monday's coming. i don't know what am i fearing when i'm not the one sitting on the metal table. can't say i'm worrying either but its just so mixed up i'm in a mess today man. i only realised something was wrong with me after the conversation with him last night and he said "you're tired go to sleep" which was really true. then as i quieten myself down i remembered aunty chris asking me at church "are you ok?" didn't really strike me. not least till sunday came.

messed up cause when i feel inapt, when i can't give a 100% to the things and needs around me, when i know i could do previously, eats me. it ate me, and i'm still thinking whether would things be different if i did allow myself to listen to that call. but i'm that beat, the only provision i seem to be able to do is text. listening seems to be so tiring latley, i'm failing in that. not cause i don't wanna listen to people speak of their problems, my attention span shortened. ahaha. i'll get the gist and minus everything out.

with monday to go, tuesday's driving and saturday's dateline's for amca coming. and the video edits is still sitting behind my head. i want to clear everything of this, and not clear but make it a good one. God knows what's gonna pop up but i can only hold on by faith. things will go on, be done on time, and i'll be given the capacity to handle both the mind, emotions, body and my spiritual self man.

its strange when on the 15th i was giving and digging words of encouragement from God's word for my mom, and how on saturday and sunday, i'm putting it on whole for myself. and just stick to listening to Hillsong's - Lead Me to the Cross. i'm bushed. brushed. down and defeated. the feeling of laying on my bed just feeling nothing for this longest period of time, sorting out my thoughts to what exactly was i feeling.

i had crazy ideas. that is it i perceive to give high expectations to the things i do, and that i wanna outlive that expectation or maybe its just me to want to just give my utmost but then again, from time to time, i'm such a playful, quaint crazy fun fellow. its like i was trying to get myself connected to my serious-working side that somehow was lost lately, but i think found again. i don't know if its supposed to be a good thing or a perceived bad thing or whichever. but i suppose at the end of the day its just me.

and as i sorted out everything (this felt like the period of fyp strangely. where there's the work and people relationship going on) ahaha. the only saving grace i hope i could do was that i did my best to do what i could. i can only pray that God heals. i'm trying to not let it eat me. and as i stand firm and try to clear the incoming workload of work and starting to feel the major stress setting in. i'm sucked on to this mono cycle of life. i can't wait to get out of this. where its the holidays where i feel life's more than what it seems.

man damn i'm relunctant to get work moving. looking at the time. and i need to be up by 845am. and sleep. this is gonna be interesting. but at the end of the day, i'm thankful for him for at the end of the day, i was feeling little comforted. he said watching me jam the keys to the keyboards seems to help me distress and yes it does. i need outlets man. or i'll just coop up and just allow myself to be eaten up. and as i always use the words of encouragement on him, i received them back from him. so very funny. ahaha, but its true, may God's grace and strength see me through, its what i told him week in and out. ahaha. and its used on me. he's been lovely of late. its pretty unbelievable from time to time, compared to the crazy past 2 months. when he's thinking and has his senses working, its pretty unbelivable (positive side wise) and unbearable when the senses aren't working. that he's impressive both yesterday and today. pretty interesting like new things unrevelling and i just observe. grown to handle his emotions, situations so much better (and i wonder maybe leadership positions makes people think) and i should feel everyone should get a chance to be one and serve others and they'll learn to be sensible beings. servant leadership and not autocratic leadership i'm talking bout.

anyways, bottomline, he's been lovely despite this entire rundown i'm feeling. and i'm really thankful =)