Just came home from Chinatown to walk around the rows of open air shops selling well, mostly food and more glorious F O O D. arharhar. yes. this years "in" thing is that Taiwan Muah Chee. Well, its just that its pre-packed into bite sized pieces and comes in thousands of flavours and i lurve the red bean and sesame flavoured ones. heh. but was pretty pissed somehow. during dinner cause mummy and me ordered chicken porridge for me and it came to my table as fish porridge [its the last thing ever on my mind to eat!! soOo fishy!] i ate a mouth only to find out that it was fish and was helpless at the end of it cause you have eaten it! *sigh* but the comforting dish on the table was my favorite steamed beancurd with this light sauce i think topped with yummy spring onions and also fried onions. heh.

Today was somehow a unlucky day for both mummy and me i think. cause she got wet by the canvas covers over our heads, it was raining and yes. it stored rain water on top of it and somehow, a small puddle drench the side of mummy. poor mummy. as for me. its the porridge accident, somehow i think i am not a very fish-y person, unless one person can get rid of that fish-y taste out of it. har. FRY it. arharhar. or least u top it off with loads of ginger, tomato, pepper and sauce!! arharhar. oh well.

Somehow, probably it is still early from the coming new year that there isn't any atmosphere, arharhar. i don't know. something is lacking somewhere? i wonder. can't find the reason, just companying mummy walking around the streets. arhahar. i still feel like a little girl whenever i walk out with her.

- on the bus. whenever you board the bus, mummy never fails to look out for a seat for herself and for me. arharhar. but i normally stand when there's just too many people. but prefer the backend seats in private or in secrecy. away from the crowd. arhahar. please =)

- when you are about to alight from the bus, mummy looks for you and arharhar. asks you to get down too.

- she tends to be on the lookout for cars and she holds my hands which has grown from that smaller size of her palms to almost identical sizes of her palms 18 years down the road. its fun walking around with mummy looking at her smile at my silly comments or jokes. arhahrar.

- she bought yummy food, arhahar. like pork floss, [i came out with the recipe to butter the toasted bread and place that floss on top of it. bet it is gonna taste close to that pork floss crackers from Thailand!] arhahar. i get crazy ideas once i tasted that floss.

anyways for now i'm still filled up to the brim. kept munching all the small thingies along the way, making myself sure that i am assured of putting on a couple of pounds or probably kilos since christmas. with the chocolates, yummy ham, turkey. aiyo. the parties of food. i'm fat! arharhar. and now its new year again. and yes. feed and fill to the brim yo. let's be hearty and decide to slim down after all these events end shall we. arhahar. =)

surface matters done. let's talk about what has been "eating" me since last night. I wasn't home cause i was over at my cousin's place once again. cause her other aunt needed to take down the christmas tree, and the team of 3 [consisting of my cousin, her mum and me] went down to dismantle the tree. i've been reflecting about it. its something bout me and my cousin. yes. to face it, there's some issues being swept under the carpet. arharhar. apparently, i do not need to talk about it, but i can see it on her face. its apparent but i guess i didn't bothered to talk about it with her.

Yes, i guess cause of some of these issues that somehow, the relationship between me and her younger sister, we got closer cause basically we shared more just relating to each other and she's there to company me when she was away. its fun with her younger sister cause she reminds me so much of what it is just lets say, 3 years ago. its like looking at the younger version of myself at times but somehow, a tad different. harhar.

just before bedtime for the 3 of us last nite, i don't know but i just went. "maybe we're aren't that close anymore". yes, on the surface it looks like. but if it means sharing like what we used to, no. its just something that needs to be addressed before the close cousin-ship we had would have turned to a mere "hi-bye" kind of friendship. i went on and on as i usually did, telling everything i felt. and yeap. most of what i said were true. harhar. its just something you don't have to tell me, but the looks on your face on the eyes of a person is enough to tell me the gist of what is going on. i believe in one thing till now that what is on your eyes, never lies. and till now, yes. that is the window to what i think of the person. say what you want but the look in your eyes tells me you do want to share with me somethings but something was holding her back.

"its because i see you like very close to my mom.." yes, gut feeling told me that probably i talked too much. i meddled too much into matters of people's. they stopped telling you anymore. but honestly, i never gave anything away, because i was merely asked of my opinions. that is it. but its ok. i think my opnions never mattered anymore. whatever reasons it is, i take my part of the blame for things to have happened. i just feel things probably are going to be different now. i don't know. i think. that's about it. *sigh*

this same thing has happened before. way back when we were like 12-13 year olds. we stopped talking with each other cause of some misundertandings but somehow got back closer than anything when we were 14. arhahar. i guess its time for me to realise time again, all good things come to an end. and an end does not necessarily means a bad end. endings does come in happy endings i guess.

i did quite a bit of self reflection on myself. my own doings. the words i say. the things i do. i don't know in times of this, but apparently i think i must have protrayed myself as a person of confidence to people who looks at me from the exterior. because. apparently during yesterday's YA's group sharings, that word used to descibe me came out a number of times which came of as a surpise. always trying to keep a low profile but i guess my low profile not enough. it could be this that my way of thinking differs from hers, and probably the confidence people feel and sees in me has led to a growing distance. which i believe was likely the likelihood that added on to things. maybe the sense of direction in my life has been clear at times, the purpose of my life laid clear in front of me, the strong faith in God that she sees in me, but erm. i think bout this one, i have lost my sense of direction in the way how things should go along with us.

Somehow, i feel weird when things just apparently play the way like it apparently is but it is not exactly what it should be. i will choose to just let things mellow, not meet up maybe or?? but just a regular touch with each other through distant means like the phone or the sms service. i dunnoe. maybe i just want to be alone. quit meddling in matters of other people already. since it seems that i've created quite a mess. =) maybe i'll learn on my own to mind my own business. but i think i can't do it at times, for placing people's interest first then mine has always been my style. i don't know seriously.

i know for one thing is for sure. i'll be crying out for guidance on this one. there's a tinch of sadness somehow in me. can't find a reason why. being misunderstood? things just going for a bout of change? it amazes me cause the thing i'll be praying really hard since the start of the new year seems to be strength every day and now. is guidance. yes. finally. the homing missle has suddenly lost its way! arharhar. in one of the many things. guess its time to come down and sit beside God's feet and just listen what He has got to say. cause He just did something again. arharhar. Money in the wallet apparently seem to be tight, arhahrar. cause the compensation money from Silkair was used first and i was saving to get it paid back =) after the arharhar. season of giving. I wasn't that worried lar, just that you got to watch what you spent, arharhar. An aunt just gave me a good sum of money that arharhar. which was amazing that i thought back. Must have been God lar. arhhaar. such wonderful timing! heh. Thank You and you seriously know what it is to shout out. Amen.

Perhaps times have changed.
Perhaps we have grown.
Perhaps the thinking in us have differed.
Perhaps i lost my senses.

Time passes by,
Seasons change
And so do us.. people.
Maybe its nature taking its course.

All i know, most of the earthly things undergoes changes.
But for one thing that never change.
It is your unfailing love.
Your unchaging love that no matter how many times we turn our backs on you, you never lost hope in any one of us.
In your hopes that all of us will come and realise.
That You were standing behind each and everyone of us.
Never missing or leaving anyone of You behind as much as You felt you were alone.
How many times you teared. cried out to the someone out there that you hope hears you.
You were heard. for He cried too with you that when you cried yourself to bed. you never felt so comforted. you felt heard. That comfort that a being such as Him is able to transcend upon you. The peace in your heart that embraces you and fills you up with a new sense of hope and strength after the entire process of crying. For you to stand up on your own 2 feet again and carry on walking.
I hope You. yes you. your paths will one day cross the path of His.
Get to meet this person and know this person more.
That is the love of the Father.
Watching you as you are.
An unexplainable feeling.
A heavenly touch. that makes you feel so touched. so whole.

Watch me will you? Take my hands, like a child. To be felt what it was like to be a child all over. Walk with me will you? Be with me and guide me please as to how to walk this way. for i know i was never alone. that you were there.. all along. thank you. for being ever so awe-some.