It happened again. Day seems all fine not till the end. Mom bought beancurd fer me. i didn't eat it till todae. soOo i took it to eat todae.. Wif omma.. She didn't want to have hers. I ate alone.. left the container there.. Watched my fav show fer now.. Gallen Lo. "golden faith"..

Till da show ended. and den, i went down but i forgot bout dat container. and to dat container. I was trying to be cheeky or something. but the joke got a turn and i think i became the joke. When i mentioned "dad". and somehow some kind of "correcting" came from my mom. I noe I was wrong. but God noes lar. somehow everytime da word "dad" gets mentioned. I shy and place myself into this corner and blurt everything out dat i'm feeling.

Mom: U forgot the container.
Me: Leave it there fer daddie to see i had beancurd todae.
Mom: U sound like daddie dun buy food fer u bak..
Me: Duh. well. he doesn't noe wad i like unlike u.
Mom: can't blame him... *yada yada*..

And i think i said the ultimate part. "money can't buy everything. and money can't build relationships". dang. I think it hit my mom hard as to how i was feeling this time. its not dat she doesn't noe but i think. she probably dun noe it dat well till todae. guess she sense a hurt-ed. child. oh well. Its when i'll retreat to my room and realise wad i just let my words go. [kind of realise the tongue is reallie an evil thing.] and run to God and tell him wad i've just did. and feel bad bout the entire thing. sucky feeling.

Get Lassie wif me.. not in any particular mood to be on the phone telling him dat. soOo yeah. alone.. dat's wad i adore doing i think. listening to Tim's voice. awesome. And run to my heavenly Father and tell him wad in da world have i just done.. time's telling me i'll do better after having a good rest. which i think i'll do soOo soOn. Go run to "daddie's arms" and like a kid. just tell him every single thought. every single feeling i have. and i'll just have the great feeling i'm being listened to. and go to slp in his arms like a lil kid..

Wonder y i feel dat way bout my own dad. and i seriously wonder.. did elder sis and bro think the way i did when they were of my age. i never reallie got to noe how much they feel. think of dad. i noe one thing is dat we all try to avoid him by doing our own things in our own room. some kind of fear or was it a sense of unfamiliarity we have bout our father.

Could it be. due to the scoldings and stern face he always pulled. i had the image of him as a fierce. unfriendly papa. i noe he was always busy. i remembered dat one. since young. I'll always question omma. Why he doesn't come home fer dinner like other "usual" dad does. why he comes home late. till i just stopped askin one dae fer i noe the answer omma told me was.. "he's busy working. daddie's a busy man u noe".

till the dae i grow older i noe he was still dat busy man. but harhar. U get older u see more things. understand more things and see there's more to actualli meets the eyes. could be i'm still holding it against it fer doing those things. things u wish u didn't noe. stay a kid and dun hear those fact. but i guess hearing ain't as bad as compared to seeing it wif my own 2 eyes. den. hahar.. i'll just be away from home fer a while. to the beach. u'll find me there. finding peace and calmness all alone. but yeah. facts are facts..

How manie years has passed. 18th burfdae gone. another year. i'm getting a year older. and soOo is daddie. hopefully get to call him "daddie" willingly. wif words dat i reallie mean to him. i reallie hope i'll be able to do dat. Its amazing how different perception i have of my mom. dat i'm just soOo attached and lurving her tons. just a big difference. i'm just soOo full of respect fer my mom. and lurve fer her.

Okie. enough of rattling off here once more. least i let wad i was feeling fer the moment out. does definitely makes u feel better and yeah. i'll just head tonie to a bed of rest. tired.