my heart felt torn, ripped, pierced numourous times this morning. strangely out of the blue but i think its the dream that i had that made me feel the way i did. and i thought about it for a while. maybe, maybe dad used to hi 5 with me back then when i was younger. that when i hi 5-ed with uncle henry for the video, it just brought back the memories i had of dad when i was younger. but that was all that i had of him. of the cnys' when it was back and i was younger. i didn't know much, young and innocent as a child. whow. i didn't know dad could leave me feeling the way i did. feeling better now after 2 hours of sleeping around the bed. can breathe now.

too emo today. cried on the way to school. wondering i'm i crying for myself, for him or for some other reasons. can't quite figure out the reason but i think its because i'm tired of being different at home. that as much as i try to delude myself that i don't care. i actually do care. argh. i'm as good as running like a bull, keep running in to the wall, but not really trying to get bothered by the feelings as you ram your head into the wall.

but in all, composed at lecture but returned home with the wind blowing at my face while i sat 151 to kent ridge, and took 10 to nearby my place, i just walked. and walked. and walked up to kent ridge park where i could at least blow some wind, see some skies, see some sea. press the camera button on the camera and took numerous shot. took one that satisfied myself. being quiet on the bench as i intake the view. wasn't the best of days or weather to be there, for it looked cloudy today. couldn't care less. to make myself pant. tired. make the legs scream to feel alive as i climbed the stairs up and back home. just to tire myself. least feel alive arhahar. and say a prayer before descending. its gonna rain another bout soon. emo mess i am in. but it'll clear.

yeap anyways, now's saturday morning. but to talk about Jacky Cheung's World Tour concert has been massive. haven't been able to take any pictures of the man himself cause basically of the lightings on the stage and as a matter of fact i totally forgot to bring my sd card out into my camera. so couldn't take anything. so the only 2 pics i took were of the stage. with my trusty w810i. yes, the paranoia shot was taken with a phone. i'm so proud of myself. arhahar. looks good hor :) the real pictures of him are taken from www.baidu.com images search =) wee. and yes, added all together.

great stuff. jacky really did alot of practice and all the credits in the world for him. constantly seeking to better himself. soon, aaron can move over. and did i say the guy's one fit guy. he pumped up, and yes during rehearsals does head stands. phew. 3 hours non stop singing and dancing. tell me where in the world do you get the stamina at the age of 46 i heard. if i didn't hear it wrongly.

jacky moved me and made i cried. cried when he sang the song "gei peng you" - for a friend. he wrote it for Anita Mui. it was in canton. but the lyrics. i cried cause yeah. i could feel the emotions for the departed and i just thought of grandma that very moment. as the lyrics flashed over the projector and he sang it all out. my goodness. yes for a night it was all jacky's. alot of respect for the man.

after sitting down for a moment. the one lesson i brought home was really. to be inspired like him, to keep bettering yourself. he keeps learning, dance, sing, rap, new genres of music, new adaptation of songs, new singing style. it made me really arhahar, like joyce come on, go study and do it well the last time. arhhaar, and move on :) and learn other stuff. dude, building up fit and well at 46 blows my mind at his fitness. nearly fainted. and that's the reason why he's looking all so well and good. i feel its better than ever. i mean yes you can see his age, but he is looking finer. Got his career back up when it was in the downs. became a disney spokesperson so at the end of the day, his kids could relate to daddy, since they're too young and his songs and albums are bit hard to relate, arhahar, he became one spokesperson cause he said he watches alot of disney show anyway. in all, i like the image he painted and he tries hard to carry out, to be a dad to his 2 girls (being like an ordinary dad, fetching them from school and carrying their cartoon skool bags) and working hard for his career. concert's great. songs great. feelings great. clapped till my hands are sore. scream like i don't give a hoot like a wolf. harhaar. whooo whoo whoo and HOK YAUUUU. arhahar, and yeah. its fun. letting off stress.

and at the end of the day, i brought home his advice "life's full of ups and downs. The bad times will eventually pass. Just keep holding on, don't give up". yeah man. today's songs brought back memories of my childhood. i sung back then as a child, just following him as he sings, i don't know what the lyrics meant. harhar, total chinese idiot till later in life. i'm grateful for his songs. for in the every song, lies different memories of growing up, and later, the different experiences in life placed and etched beneath the songs he sings. i think growing up would have been hard not for some of his songs. arhhaar. passes my time :) since my elders do listen to them but somehow no interest. and ahrhar, my interest grew. very very thankful for the man himself. his songs, his voice, his lyrics. to what lies behind the soul of every chinese/canton song, stories, life experiences, you know at the end of the day. you aren't alone. Thank You to arhhaar, Jojo omma + Jacky Cheung!! For the great night and to God for making all possible. its coming 530am.

i've fixed 2 pictures on photoshop. one wallpaper and the blog entry. i wonder how am i getting up for lessons. i just have alot of thoughts flowing in my head. happy stuff, some reflective. but i'm dead beat. Jacky Rocks :) His voice is sooo.. *screams. Oh MY GOD. moves. your inner self. can't believe i teared, when i'm not singing. arhhaar. just reading lyrics and listening to the man. Bless his other 2 nights at Singapore Indoor. Faaantanstic! WHOOTs.

all the pictures to be uploaded. when i more free-er lar. arhahar all the playing around with photoshop to play with ah bi pictures taken in church on sunday. :) aunty carol sent me a cuter pics of ah da and ah bi playing with sparky. arhahar. rather sparkies. :) Ah Bi is sooo. lovable. that mms seriously made my day. thank you aunty carol. cause i was staring at the wallpaper display on my phone, admiring the skies. and then the downloading mms icon came on i was wondering who it was. i thought emo boy too sian mms. arhahar. suprise suprise. when the boy was so busy winning bogus. or whatever you call that. hahar.

yesterday's night of rain was good. good that i managed to have some time and do some reflections on the things that have been going on. i've placed the thoughts in the black book already :) safe in there. arhahar, must have been the prayer thingy we were doing at YABF huh? rest coming in with the great rains. i felt homey. close. arhhar. those reflective moments that feels great. pouring out all the emotions arhhar. on the book. feels heard and least get that issue i had to God. I realised i haven't been wearing that much of black lately, and on sunday, wearing all white. i sat and realised ahrhar. har, maybe it was the want to be pure again. after doing those deeds. i know i shouldn't but didn't had much of a choice. but i think i'm feeling better.

need some time to cope around with the changes i think. getting enough rest. talking to the enough people. to ensure that i'm still in interaction with people. thank you Lijin and Jayson (over on last saturday):) arhhaar. talk talk talk. good stuff. was fidgeting with friendster today, bringing and uploading some pics i should have but somehow never did. and look at ah bi. aharhahar. i don't know. just seeing her smile, then the blue skies on my phone. whoo, to be reminded once again of the simple pleasures of life that has somehow lost its place for me. that i wasn't really admiring them as much as i used to, for the love kind of got overshadowed. i'll pick up taking pictures again. and stop avoiding taking those great shots. ah bi was the start. more? arhahar :) yar. maybe at JC's concert. can't get the lighting right. argh. practice practice practice. i miss bak indri. :( hope to see her soon. and all the familiar ppl again. snap out or adding some fun stuff to the monotony of life that can eat me up. i'm 1. so zhuo buay diao. 2. I need to lame and crap in chinese once in a while. 3. I'm full of nonsense i can't let it out in school arhahar. and i realised how sweet and nice Pei Lian and Yiling has been to my whatever nonsenses.

i broke record today. no lunch. arhhar. whoot. appetite's falling. arhhaa. chit a chat with emo boy. kill time for 3 hours break at holland village staring at beagle and corgi adds a little smile. but arhahar, ah bi just made me :))))))) arhahar. trying to wake the boy up. and the line goes. I cannot imagine anyone as blessed as him. like stuffs all already planned for him sort of thing. ew. i think he's got quite a nice boss, but if its a really nice boss. shall see tomorrow.

to whatever. tomorrow. is gonna be a repeat episode of today. same lessons. same things. and thinking of that business frameworks lecture going on. i turn green. argh. God get me through tomorrow. i survived today. arhahar ;) nitey. ah bi ah bi!!

*gasps. today is coming to a close. or rather another week has just come to a past. there's like so many emotions i'm trying to cope with. at times like the savage garden song, "2 beds and a coffee machine". once again, i'm thinking of the line "i wonder how i got this far".

one moment i was dealing with being not able to do the things that i really wanted to. but its ok took the alternative. school's in, school's started on monday. right after the aftermath of grandma's leaving. not that it done great damage (minimally) but what's definite, it was a faraway warning of what it feels like of what it feels like losing someone who actually was like a piece of jigsaw piece in your picture but suddenly left. can't do anything but at the end of the day, but what you can thank God that He has provided things like time, and I know He'll keep watching me. while i continue wondering, pondering on a lot of lessons and things and issues and just be reminded of the fact of how good He is. Has been, still is and i believe still gonna be.

now, i'm trying to get used to school. i'm just shaking at my head at just lately how much of bumps there are. arhahar, getting used to school life isn't hard. but life's hard when the people around tend to be more indulged in their own activities. arhhar, its hard to try to get out there and get to know more people for who they really are and not who they seem to be. but i guess and can only hope things should get better i think arhhaar. starting of school tends to be sooo. boring. arhahar. one moment back in secondary school i'm studying in the west area, then come again poly, i'm shifted to the east. and now, i'm back in the west. i laugh as a matter of fact that ahahar, my used-to-be work area has now become my school area. arhahar. damn interesting. and i still laugh about it everyday as i set my way off to school. it brings back alot alot. of fresh memories especially of the hawker centre, the buble tea stall, the hang ten stall. dots. arhahar, walking down to the bus stop to take 188 back home. everything. is a mix of memories from the time of work to the time of the has beens spent time over at clementi cc. with the has beens.

harhar. emotions piles up, i get to school i'll think of the time spent with all the people especially like yiling and pei lian arhhar. the people who could stand my nonsense. jayson. arhahar. then at lectures how the familiar faces and the common jokes and nonsenses around. winnie's giggles ahrahar. i sit in the new lecture theatres and i just laugh to myself at times, how all these things i've apparently seem to thought i wouldn't miss my poly times. but i do arhahar. :) yar, joyce should just quit bothering trying to delude herself. the familiar things that i do like conversing in chinese. though my chinese is crap, i rarely do it now. arhhar to lame in chinese or english, i rarely do it now. arhahar. no one shou enough to really do all those stuff. i'm literally waiting for lyn and janna to come into schoool and add some life to the monotony of school. i'm just so waiting to snap out of this mundane life and try to add some spice and juice into it.

anyway, i wanted to share some pictures i've taken up but blogger isn't allowing me to upload. the rough sketches. i might go in depth. i might not bother. :) thing i'm looking forward to. jacky cheung's concert. to see him in person to the person i respect. for knowing how to turn his life's pains into one of life's learning point, and make the most out of life. kudos. and uncle henry to get well ;) and to the 100001 things on my head. i need rest. God bless.

hello to this blog. its coming to 3am on this sunday morning. and i'm just back from grandma's funeral, and then it was supper with little tiger at her house nearby for prata. Gotta thank God cause initially it was just a walk to 7-11 to grab some cup noodles but the brands available simply sucked. she ate her yo ji. (pig internal organ souP) her favourite. whilst i just had 1.5 pieces of prata. kosong. she had the other half. and back from a chat since 12 i think. harhar.

a day of ups and downs but the ups has kind of made the day worthwhile. today has been a day of overcoming anger. anger sparkled off cause i really would have preferred if i didn't make the walks. since it was a teochew ceremony. couldn't really end up the way i would have wished for simply cause in the extended family, there were representatives of the grandchildren. i just did it really cause i don't want any other talks and speculations as to how come 6th aunt haven't got any kids? while the fact was that there were 3. but none of them wanted to take the walk and it didn't help with an emotional mom. i got the brunt of almost everything when i said that jie wasn't gonna walk. not that it was her first time but it has always been the case, cause as the saying goes youngest mah. so ok lor, since the siblings are all grown up already.

but for a moment i really didn't want to think in her point of view cause simply, for a moment i had my own beliefs and convictions. it might have caused a controversey cause for the past few days, i didn't really hold the josssticks while i just stuck to the bowing. whole thing caved in today just for the rituals. fine, if it made everyone happy and if it would have sparred my mom from the awful earfuls. but the guilt was really there. i knew where i stand, but i was just wondering and really telling God i didn't enjoy a time i was doing it.

respect as it is to grandma, ok with the bowings and all. i'm glad grandma knew i was a christian before she left. she realised it on her own without me telling her and she asked to confirm, i nodded my head. it was just weeks ago actually. that i knew she knew i woudn't have disrespected her in anyways.

i really detest being put in situations like that, that you just have to face the shit in your face. not only that, accept the shit incoming to your face with your arms wide open. gladly. it definitely isn't the easiest things to do but it really isn't much of a choice. that as you get older, you really have to learn to shrug it off, or rather be calm as your anger rise and not vent it on anyone around or near you while you are letting out your steam like bouts of farts. you have to do it the silent killer way. arhahar, and just laugh it off later. i just shared my anger with people and really get over it.

i was angry matter of factly that when i was going through the stuffs, and there was my brother giving those stupid face and stares, sister sitting there and father. just laughing and enjoying their own private time whist i wasn't. but aiyo, they're winners right, they have choices and reasons to back their actions. fine lor, win lor. i just look at my ownself and just really sulk at the mirror. it seriously annoyed me i just went off after the whole thing and just said bye. nothing better to say, don't say.

tired obviously that shit was once again flinged at me, can't duck. just stand there, let it land. i just wanted to really be alone and recharge. be quiet and still actually before my school starts, tidy up some things in the mind! get the body used to working and not being a bummer? get the stuffs on which needs work done, like driving harhar, mind used to thinking more than idling usually, to commit the upcoming time to God :) but i feel so so drained. with all this religion vs fillial piety things. you wish it could be as easy as dumping one away and just go with the other. but then again, life isn't that simple. i'm so so tired, i want a hug! harhar which the thing i do is grab Da Dou and give it a one big hell of a hug. no wonder the head needs stitching.

am nursing my tiredness, tinch of sadness and guilt. but i'm glad and happy to tell Little Tiger in the face that after all these years, i can really care and love her the way i should. hee hee, that i no longer was prejudiced over her with the perspective mom loved her more as a goddaughter. whahrhar, cause it realy didn't matter to me now. :) i should love her and stop running away from the fact that both of us are really similiar. hee, i refused to the core back then, but all's cool! i told her i'm happy hee hee, cause it taught me to love more! thanks to God's work and the prayers.

Thank God for the open coffee shop cause she said it was normally closed at ungodly hours of the night, but for some apparent reasons, open today. Thank God for the awesome chat we had, the times we spent together now, the laughters, the joy, the care and concern and love. they're real and genuine now! well to the work done till today. way cool. so as i was saying shit happens, but times, they'll be times where tao hui gets thrown too. you enjoy cause its my favourite? harhhaar.

anyays, i'm thankful for today lar. definitely another good lesson to keep me in check, on what anger and forgiveness is. its very easy to anger, but forgiving takes a hell lot more :) thankful too for the people's concern and gladly, and definitely to Aunty Carol who's been awesome. though not in person the sms exchanges, i felt you near :) Cousins Jane Jie, for just sharing, togther with her dear Gary, William and Julie. and Little Tiger. for the times. and emo boy for his encouraging words too. :) lovely. so its time to slp and its to the creamatorium later today. day seems daunting but may the Lord see this through and continue to provide His comfort and hands of protection and rest during this time. Ah Joy Hwaiting. in front of my The Tiger's comp. Thank God for a comp and internet? harharh :) i forgot to bring my black book lar. while i tune myself to Amazing Love on youtube. harhar, i dont have the song anywhere. but the song came to my mind :) to seek some comfort.

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken.
I'm accepted, You were condemned.
I'm alive and well, Your spirit is within me.
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love, how can it be
That You my King would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
Its my joy to honour You
In all i do, I honour You

its funny how a couple of days i was blogging the happier times of life. the times at melaka, the time of sharing and fellowshipping. then yesterday was enjoying emo boy's time together. that the absence we have have taught us what it is to appreciate the times spent together, harhar, no matter what the coming of the mays may be. had fun yesterday, chatting, while he was being a cat, him playing his fender bass (it is utterly swanking looking no doubt. red white, lecquered fretboard. what life is that?!), and me on his kapok guitar harhar in his room. i was itching to pressing some frets and strumming some stuff, and since chris daughtry was added to the playlist, i was just playing to it. i missed the absence of the yamaha guitar arhahar. certainly not the best but least it was something that sounded familiar.

then today again, it was a morning start off at marina with Glenda at K box. arhhaar, sing with the lunch, and its ok lar, 12 bucks for some joy. then Lydia came along hee hee and we did some shopping around, had some bites at HK cafe. food prices ain't heacy on the pockets but the rise in the gst tax just makes it a chore and a burden to the pockets.

shopped and i got myself a new pair of decent swanky looking gold slippers arhahar. affordable and apparently the soles are said that they are not that easily worn out so why not have the try. i wanted to get it over at MY but apparently, they don't ship in sizes more than 7. i wear an 8. glad to find it today sitting in front of me as we entered the shoe shop.

mobile rang. mom was asking me to head out for dinner on my own, home's not cooking. she was in the hospital. granny's been there since a couple of weeks ago. all day long when i ask apart from that couple of visits down was she's ok. still at the phone call i asked again if she was ok. mom said ok. okay. carried on looking around.

not too long after, some 30 mins later i got a call to say she passed. shock in a whole new sense, cause i thought my mom was pulling my leg. but i mean who would joke on a thing like that. to a person departure, i guess we might seek on the comfort on the reason behind it, which i asked was she developed a fever yesterday, haven't been well today. gone. just like that.

thing's that the moment i'm alive, i haven't really seen my grandpa's from both maternal or paternal sides. paternal granny was more of a jovial light hearted granny who would cook great dishes (i love them and i miss them) and i remember every new years when we came she would smile. when we left i would give that funny opening and closing of my hands as a sign of bye to her. she left too early, then i was prolly in my secondary school. this time is my maternal side who bidded farewell too.

i know i wasn't the kid who really sat at the lap of their grandparents or listen to stories to them or was really close to them, but my sense of regret is really, i don't understand myself. har, how come i don't speak any dialects. that i'm weird, apart from the english, chinese i speak more bahasa indon than any dialects. if i were to listen to it, many a times i go by the general feeling, of what the conversation was about. failed in a way cause there wasn't really a closer relationship built with the grandmas. maybe family situations may kind of hinder it, but har. i do ask myself "is that all?" - all that you can do?

often enough, the ironic part of life that i seem to realise, prolly most of the time is that we tend to feel the real presence of a very person, is through their absence, that we seem to realise the importance or value of that person you hold in your heart, in worst case scenarios, is only when they're gone. pa grandma was an excellent cook :) happy jovial. ma grandma was more of the solemn, quiet one.

its ok. i'll think of jin yi's paternal grandma. arhhaar she very cute de. least there's chinese i can speak to her!!! arharhar. :) and seek joy in a matter of fact that maybe. circumstance allows you to easily draw closer to one, or just mere hi bye smile relationships. growing up isn't the funnest part as to what i pressumed i wanted it to be. cause when i'm small, i wanted to grow up, be independent, do the things you're supposed to do it, decently, that you don't get bullied. you grow your own convictions and stand firm on them. now that i'm 20, har, there's more to meet the eyes lar. more issues that comes hitting your way and you learn more lessons :).

emo emo emo ah joy. pity to little tiger - my lil cousin, carol. won't be having a happy celebration for her birthday. shit happens and its been happening time and again on her b'dae. well, hope God makes a change this time round :) make a difference to her on that day, despite the difficult situation going on :). that finally when i'm 20, and she's 16, i've finally managed to shower her love and care, hang out and chat with her be siao char borhs. something i learnt along as i grew older. i hated her harhar when i was younger. when i have the perceived notion that my mom dotes on her more than me. it did seem like it when i was young, but you know, you learn to face the issues face to face, that if i learnt to see it from mom's perception, you could see more.

like what jojo omma said. "we tend to be more harsh on our love ones." i'm glad things are the way they are now. happy with little tiger. harhahr. and mother tiger (mu lao hu) *that's jin yi* =X harhar.

so in any alls, its just standing by each other, and the stuff's till sunday. and monday is school. whilst i'm trying to cope the end of zhuo boh-ness. i'm feeling the daunting-ness of it. work, hectic busy-ness coming in. period like this, what more can i do. apart from continue seeking God's strength and in faith. keep praying and holding on man. welcome to the roller coaster ride. it'll be lovely if you hold on to your dear seats and belts.

thank you girls, emo boy. glenda + jacob with dinner. at botak jones. tushan alvin. the little chats. on msn, :) adds that lil smile on it. like that yellow smiley. :) i love it since young and i still love it. smile. keeps you going for another day, as good as hope. everything will get better. awsome stuff.

thinking back, i was tearing on the bus when i heard Chris Daughtry - Home on the radio to kampung kembangan. the image of that song apparently didn't come to me as a love song. (I'm going home..) over and over again. my definition and picture of home was a place of rest. after a long hard day of journey, all you want is that peace and rest. suddenly the lines

(You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me)

i was referencing the lyrics of that part like a worship song. =X The love from the above. arhhar. strange strange. its a circular song. goodness. arahar and its a love, bgr song. whatever i was thinking. my mind must have been cranky. but good. cause it was always during long bus rides to school that kept me going, the tearing once in a while. (: just marvelling under the blue skies and clouds. keeps me going. i loveee feeling small. awesome stuff.

now i take another perception. same song.

(I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home)

to my ah ma. :) going home. God bless your soul, rest in peace. to the mourning, grant them peace and rest as they go through these moment. to the ones, who haven't been respecting ah ma. awaken them up and let them see what they've been doing and do some reflection, if you haven't treat ah ma with the all due respect you should be, hopefully sees and realises what they've been doing and be sorry about it.

so which means i won't be at BAG and on church service on sunday. teochew processions on till sunday. prayers prayers, pray along with me pls (:

hello. *ark + bites. homey home home. feels great wor. so happy to be back actually. after the Melaka trip, i just realised how i cannot make do and live without Singapore's water. it just tastes different overseas, and overseas, its just always mineral water in bottles and i only like them chilled. room temperature is just yucky. being quite a rather water person, i actually managed to live with just a tiny glass of water daily, and its mostly juice and can drinks. good to be back, and its a great time catching up with the few youths and getting to joke and spend time with them! thou shalt upload some pictures. taken with Aunty Lee Cher's Casio Ex Slim's camera. i think its some 5.0 mp camera. or was it a 7mp but whatever. arhahar. let's see.

here's the group picture of the people who stayed the extra day after the camp. erh, i was too excited snapping pictures away. muarhahar =) point and shoot, no hassles. and i think it took some 6 shots before you got something cute. arhahar. :)

i like this train picture. actually i lovee the train, arhahar, but too long to get it to fit into a picture. i might as well settle with uncle henry + ah bi in the pic. arhaahr. *runs to take the shot.


and this pic was taken with some shots back to back to get the wee. effect of playing on a swing. Ah Bi is simply irresistably adorably cute. lurvee her. and she loves Sparky my blue eccentric looking giraffe hippo. i still believe its a giraffee ok. she goes "Sparkie where?" so cute.

and i lovee this picture i self took so proud arhhaar. (: its not my camera but self aim. pass. hee hee. i'm a zhi lian kuang. wee! i like the messy hair muarhhaahrar. (: its a pic of kirstie + me muarhhaar. kawaii ne. (erm hmm* i stole that phrase from someone) bleah.

and more. muarhaharh!!! i loved the yellow lines at the background. my face -_-'. cm. iarhhar. kirst's cute. and i was showing that ^^ face. arhahar. and the above pic. i like my face. arhahar, "attitude" like i just crossed the road with the heck care attitude, and kirst *eyes wide open* i couldn't believe you just did that!. wharahar. its for fun, i dunnoe how the outcome became that way wharhaar. (Opps* my bellies popping out. Sorry bout that one. but oei, i'm not that fat leh) arhhaar. and the final pic of me that was supposed to be the pose lar. arhahar happie! (*man, i look like i drink a dozen of beer daily, look ma, beer belly. *slaps) oh whatever. arhahar *pouts.

i'm carrying ah Bi, lifting her up to my eye level so she can be seen. Kirstie, Raelene, Aunty Lee Cher (my roommate! she's awesome and cool and fun. suits my 12am madness that i have.) and that's Kelda. whahar. Yes, Ah Bi, Kirstie and Kelda = sisters. muarhahar.

now its ah bi up close. wharhaar. of course, self taken protrait. i'm a cam whore. whoot* ah bi ah bi ah bi. so cute. 200% yays!


and here's boyish Josiah + Keith having their bowls of chendol. strangely, i was never a fan of chendol, and i realised melaka don't have tao hui!!! HOW CAN? oh wells, ahahar, ew to coconut milk. arhahar. yays to soya. getting to know josiah + keith + caleb has been fun. quick bring out the cards and lets have tai di company :) with kirstie and we'll have our turns. wee. i feel old lately, but hanging out with youths rejuvenates me. :) and harhar, Keith's my supposed seeing each other partner. arhahar, ridiculous how the rumour went about, since we both sat out of the restaurant and chatted since it was cramp inside. and its white tea / coffee. ew. i'm phobic to it, i just like my ice blended mocha can liao. *shudders. ouh and keith's psp is his first "wife". and i'm just a concubine -_-' harhar. but his white wife is so sexy, i'm tempted to get one toooo. see, i'm so hua xin. one moment i want a nintendo ds. then later i want a psp. but i still dream of having a taylor guit. arhahar, for the fun and hopefully the motivating factor to play more on it. but aiyah, maybe just settle for a takamine? no money sucks. i wished i worked more :(

in all, thank you all for the great pictures and to Aunty Lee Cher for uploading them and burning them to the discs. arhahar. i'm tempted to make a video and pic of ah bi. another time ba. arhahaar. and ah bi loves barney. arhahar. sooo cute.

trip wise, i'm back home. moaning in a sense cause my bumping days are so gonna be over. school resumes back for me on the 2nd of July and that means i don't get to slack and slouch and lie in front of the bed in front of the cable and just press the remote all day long. arhhar, good maybe, will i get my ass moving around to do more fruitful things like learning how to drive, and least arhahar, play the guit better or speak better cantonese from the book. i'm so lazyy!! and when school starts, Michael Miu Kiu Wai will be on cable arhahra channel 55. Some shanghai period drama, and *screams. he's so man man, can't wait. i'm currently hooked on the same channel's revolving doors of vengeance. Ron Ng rocks and the twist comes in when Joe Ma appears that he isn't as bad as he seems. good plot. but aiyo, the baddies need a better strategy in trying to uproot the good, so predictable. pleah. i cringe when the baddies try to hard. but oh wells. Ron Ng's cute arhhaar.

and its raining now. good stuff. probably laze around and go to sleep arhahar, i've just been on hibernating mode lately and all i wanna do is laze around and sleep. He's back now, safely, that i can rest in a way. harhar, thank God :) bits of worries around but ok lar, all the hk drama watching i wanna eat tao hui and egg tart which i'll prolly do it tml alone ahahar, spend some solitude time and watch the world go by, while the boy rest. arhahar. :)

look around, feel around, catch some people walking the things they do and wear. watch the world go by i guess. gather some thoughts, and reflect abit before life starts spinning another couple of few rounds you can't breathe. :) reading all the articles on the global warming and the effects isn't doing anything much, except just securing the gut feeling that this world is ending much sooner than we thought. ahrhar, just thought i should just appreciate every single day and people to the fullest :) enjoy the blue skies and rain while it is still lovely with its mild nature. imagine a day whereby the rain gets violent, turns into some storms or floods, and where clouds ain't blue anymore. but all you see is darkness or grey skies. arhhar. how extreme. LOL. random thoughts since cooping in my room for some days :)

i think i'm tanner now. arhharar. *deillusionise myself* since my watch has the mark on my hand arhhar. and i realise i can be rather a procrastinator man. :) and mummy just kua-ed me. something that i was working for when i was younger, but i just stopped arhhaar, too tiring. she said "among the 3 of you all, you're the smartest" - oh really? arhahar i thought to myself. maybe i am or maybe i'm not. but it didn't matter too much to me anymore. you realise there'll always be ppl better than you and be humble, don't step on other's pride to lift yourself higher. so i'm just happy being who i am. like what ji jin hee says, "i needn't be the best, or neither do i strive to be the worst. i just work to be among the best" whow. i like that. arhahar :) so me.

its raining, as i was hoping, so hoping all of you all sleep tight and enjoy the great winds and the sound of the platterings without being all drenched and wet. hug your teddies and your blankets tight.

i'm having this bunch of emotions. arhahar. today only. but mostly spurred on by daddy. the word, the spelling, i rarely do spell them out, with the exceptions if i'm referring to the Godly version of a daddy.

the emotion of a spur that i wanna write all my feelings down of him arhahar. or basically, it was the thought of wishing him a happy fathers' day, something in wish i never seemed to have been able to do arhahar. for the past 20 years, but cause lately, been listening on the radio and the talks on all the fathers' day thingy. it was like, i think i could do something.

harhar, so funny, i'm leaving for malaysia for from tml till the 20th, its short, but i don't know why i got the urge to leave messages behind arhahar. its very strange but oh whatever. arhahar, i have the urge to write to mommy, and him arhahar. i wrote to the later already, leaving the pen and paper till before i turn in and prolly scribble some note that says "happy fathers day". and leave it on the windscreen of his car. i wonder why the sudden thoughts of doing so, is it cause i won't be facing him for the next couple of days that i got the courage to do it, or is it cause i'm doing it purely cause i felt like doing it. arhahar. weird. i think internet mommy's gonna be proud of me if i did it arhahrar. "joyce, forgive your dad". uhmm, prolly its high time yar arhahar :)

enough of dad talk, i haven't been blogging much but have been writing quite a bit in my black book in which stores a more private thoughts arhahar. away from suspicious eyes. muahrhaar =)

anyway, for the YAya camp, i felt bad not turning up for the east coast to the last day, and i think and hope i haven't cause too much of an inconvenience. could be excused for that day i left for SIM, and was really tired out. i just felt like sleeping man. travelling, late nite the previous nites, the heat, the worries. arhahar, it continued till the final day of camp, i couldn't wake up in the morning. oops. :( ouh wells, shouldn't be an excuse either yar. sorry sorry :( and sorry to emo boy, i never meant to let you wait actually, some guilt factor, but never mind. i did made it up with a personal delivery i hope. that's to the extent i'll go when i mean i'm sorry and that i was really gonna head out to meet you for dinner.

anyways, i'm feeling emo now. arhahar reflecting on the ride i took home. that when i was crossing the road home, that it daunt onto me that one moment, i was left hanging w/o a place to go, and now that i'm heading to SIM to do marketing, i'm just thinking what's all gonna be installed for me. being rejected and not approved by the school in the things you love doing, doing what's next of best of what i love doing. arhahar, when i was sitting and listening to the introduction talk on marketing, i realised the love developed cause of arhahahar, miss pei lian always goes "wei, your favourite teacher" arhahar. yar, Mr Seow. i'll always remember him for his smile, his antics, his "graveyard hour", whar seh, him in class, i damn alert and sharp, arhahar. and on graduation how he keep shaking my hand, cause i keep walking past him and he goes "congratulations" with that teethy smile he always have. i think i have that adoreness of him, and that respect for him, (and Mr Lim Kok Yau + Mr Johannes Kuah) cause har, the additional factor is that they just seem to have that fatherly aura on them. hee hee. its evident in Mr Seow muahrahar. :) so nice and funny. the way he taught marketing, arhrahar, i wanna do it too. arhahar. cause somehow i think i wanna work in an events/ arts and media company hopefully one day. I dream of Oglivy and Mather. arhahra. i remembered when i saw that ad, of all the budding advertisers, marketers it was some arty farty ad poster, but i loved that ad. character, colour, position, fonts. whoo, made it look "WHOA" arhahar. and all the selected people standing, sitting, some with arms crossed but all with that confident look and their names, with the company they're working from arhahar. Oglivy and Mather i read, and i was like "whoa. brand brand!!" arhahar.

i think everything's suddenly falling too fast into place, i need time to breathe and think and accept them arhhaar. i remember being like in the pits arhahar, thinking of the 1000 what ifs. arhahar, but yes, i get to stay her in Sg. and trying to accept the fact that it is probably my last 1.5 years of school? and its full time, whoa, it kind of scares me in a way. harhaar, how ready am i for that world. whoo, one side of me says "come on its time to bring some money home". i dream of my house, beautifully furnished, one nice car, arhhaar. but hor is dream lar, i seriously wonder what it feels like owning a place on my own. *grins. i'm dreaming. move out away from suspicious eyes if the sister in law moves in. ew. *shudders* my own private space too. cause i'm sure i'm gonna be annoying her if i start turning up the volumes of my music, my tv, my radio, my guitar, my voice, my phone calls. wharhahar.

but the other side says "har, whoo wait a minute, money comes but it also comes with working with people nice and nasty" arhahar, i think i did have my fair bits of nasty people who are out to get you. but take comfort in being living saints people who just made work hell, rather heavenly. the 1000 and one things on my head. i'm feeling so apologetic for the "screw-ups" today, like "no joyce, you could do better than that"

but arhar, i think its the thoughts in my head, future screwing my mind up. but its ok, i'm just glad i have a faith to lean on on times like that, and just hang in there as though you're hanging for your dear life, and let all the waves sweep and curl and calm down at the end. :)

and i know, i wanna drive badly. know why? i'm so turned on by what "healing hands 3" did. or rather the initial parts to the series too, grab the car, just drive it up to a nice, quiet, place. not to do anything fishy, but enjoy the great wind, blowing at your face as you stand by the doors of your parked car, with your arms folded. whoa. being quiet, still, not moving and feel the breeze, makes me feel alive definitely. be great if there'll be great view to view, like above kent ridge park. that's all i've seen for now. till i find a better and greater place. with height. remains my dream still for sometime, and it still is.

arhhaar. joyce is dreaming once again. always. :) i'm such a dreamer. but yar, some dreams make you wanna work for it, some dreams help you keep up with reality, draw that line, that some things are good that it remains just dreams, while some are worth fighting for. :) like watching teevee and just smile at the cute guys on it, arhahar, but that's all, laugh at their funny antics, they're just tv stuffs. arhhar. look at them laugh it off and smile. like when tony leung give that cute smile, i'll smile along arhahar, but that's it ahrhaar, smile and face another day :) you have to. otherwise, life's so boring. muarhhaar, find your entertainment please. (now where's Da Tou?) and did i say, i've packed Sparky into the bag, cause its the only one that's handy and soft.

at camp i realised i'm quite a kid. arhhar, i need to listen to music to lullaby myself to bed, and if that's not all, i do realise that i do miss Da Tou when i came back arhahar and hugged it all over. whoa, JOY! arhahar. the simple pleasures in life. and that i took the hot shower for granted, and my bed. i'm getting to old for floor, my body still aches. arhhar, and i can't run that active ar, someone repair that knee+ankle for me pleasE? arhahar, i learnt my lesson and i wanna bring the brown cheena medicine along. arhahar, and my roommates shall have to bear with me! the smell muarharar, but it works good.

anyways, its getting late, i better slp. leave the worries for another day. and say your nitey prayers. ouh and to winnie, CT and ronald, k boxing with you all are one of the best. we belt out our bests and we seriously sing our hearts out. Winnie's my great partner arhahar. singing partner! CT and Ronald are your buds to get high over singing songs like "chu lu" and that dong li huo chi song and that "mo na li sa, ta shi shui.." arhhaar, always rememeber them. halloe come come, next time? arhhar :) take care peeps.

i thought i've just finished one hella of a roller coaster ride trying to assure myself of things around me, and in having more faith to go get them done, arhahar. in comes another one, its like the things keep coming, arhahar, and i try my best to get them done one by one. cause its the only way to clear the incoming things that are coming your way.

granny's in hospital. i haven't got time to reflect one bit about it. because my hands are bit kind of full, or rather i'm worrying bout someone for days. making the step only to realise that one shouldn't. the most dangerous part about investing in anything that has to do with relationships (be it friendships, kinship, loveship) anything. its not the feeling of anger or hurt or sadness, but i tell you straight, there's nothing worse in this world, then to losing yourself. that to me can be one of life's greatest tragedy. in my sense, and i take that very very seriously, that's when i always contemplate to pull the plug, to save themselves from dropping any crazily. not to save my own butt, cause arhahar, what do i got to save about myself. but lets give each other more time :)

har. anyways, no matter how late i'm getting home today whahaar. emo abit. then get some work done. slp. dinner together missuesses. arhahar. and get my mind of somethings and work immerstion in progress.

if we hold on together =)

yeap, today is the graduation. arhahar. can't really be typing much so disabled by the wrist on the left-hand. it hurts like mad and its acting up again. i shall just type with my right hand only. aren't you glad God made us up with 2 hands that even though one hand may be down, we'll still have another to work on! and to help others with whatever you have left.

i'm feeling happy. as in doing up the jacky cheung's wallpaper. looking back at the kind jojo omma who lovingly scanned all the pictures. just putting them altogether brings such joy, it sits prettily on the desktop. its been needing a wallie though the z4 was sitting there for awhile. looks cute on the blog. but at the end i guess i've moved on and stop wallowing in my self dugged pits that i was feeling. probably even enclosing myself up to myself that the outlet was writing. glad to have moved on and restore some normality around.

today's graduation was alittle screwed up for me cause i actually misplaced the white card, i ended up writing my name on another piece of placard i had, leftovers from the fyp presentations. took pictures with the people i wanted and went off shortly. so unused to participating in events, organising would have been funner har har.



companied mommy in search if a new maid, aunty lilik's leaving. maybe i could print a picture of my toys, she always laugh when i show it to her especially lately with the addition of da tou. i practically bring her everywhere in the house where i go. i'm a big kid at hom, but da tou is so huggable, plus no irritation to the nose, its a joy. she brings me smile somehow lookin at her smile, i'll smile too. she's always happie. i hug her oso happie. pooh bears always sad, har, the face lar, domo seems angry but actually looks real funny after sometime, sparky has the humm look. ah bear is the coachy look to me. the leader of the bunch. har. anyway, to all the gifts of bears, thank you very much!

ok i'm blogging bout bears. da tou makes great company when i watch healing hands 3 and sleeping partner, lie on her tummy! watch her flap her legs and hands. so anyways, sleeping time. :)

all the car talks!!! and its easily 545am. said bye to the ferrari siao guy. aka Tushan lor. haiya, but i realised i found a new love after my first love. my bmw z4. is sitting at the front of my desktop for oggling purposes. cause lately, bit sian hor, keep seeing yan dao[s]. (means i need to work on a new wallpaper liao. more yan dao, they'll look more yan dao when u put 4-5 gorgeous pictures together). i lurve the new Maserati. :) cause you know why. cause Healing Hands 3, Henry drives it. and i got swooned by it. erm by the machine first then the man. arhahar but Bowie Lam has been cute lar.

first yesterday started with a trip down to the stupid NEC service centre cause the comp was having a serious error. it'll have this fatal error message and disallow me to use the comp from starting up for the next few hours lor. brought it down today, the comp managed to boot up. so in the end, the fault lied with stupid 3rd party parts that Harvey Norman inserted for the ram. damn-ed. actual 1 GB of ram cause of the upgrade became 2 GB of ram, cause the comp to act cranky cause one of the RAM chips ain't working lar. madness. i guess the one inserted now, [comp's running on 1 GB of RAM only] is working. its the other chip. fair enough with NEC that they found out the comp had external party add ons, didn't wanna void the warranty for me. just have to see lor. so annoying.

then it was lunch at far east with Emo Boy. his shopping at Topman. walk walk walk around the departmental stores. ew. not a fan. but i saw the RED blouse over at G2000, damn gian now. wanna buy lor. looks good, must go and ask mummy liao arhhar. otherwise just come out with the money and add a nice looking blouse in it damn cool. arhahar. and what, both of our players died on the mrt journey. and yes before i was gonna meet him i met this really shuai ang moh. OMG. he looked like Ethan Hawke arhahar. sssh.

so many guys name and cars. i ki siao le lar. :) but here's a big thank you today, to Justin, Tushan and Martin for the fun day out. hope Lavvie gets better soon, at Changi hospital today, arhahar, i came early, so i went up to the glass windows and just stood there. scenes of Healing Hands 3 kept flooding my mind. then i stood there, and smiled to myself lor arhhar. ridiculous. but yar, i suddenly felt that being a doctor or a nurse is super cool. wei da ok. :) but then again i walk by the patients, my heart will cringe abit. the pain, the tubes get inserted. i sort of feel like screaming.

getting to changi hospital was embarrassing. cause first, i ended up on the wrong side of the road after coming out of the mrt. second, i stopped early and ended up stopping at ITE's campus. waited for another bus, i still ended up stopping one stop before the stop nearer to Changi Hospital. one thing is either i cannot count bus stops, or 2 my eyes don't know how to read signs. but anyways, determined to reach my destination, just walk lor one bus stop distance LOL. find my way round. quite fun lar hor.

and then bowling with "commander", tushan and "marty" commander should have a new name called ah gong yar. he bowls damn pro de. the pins melt at the sight of the ball. lightly but surely. marty had career high arhhar and the rest were just average scores. my scores are horrible. arhahar. but ok lar. then the bowling part reminded me of you know what again. HEALING HANDS 3 again. cause Frances loves to bowl after work with her own accessories of her own ball and shoes. Diao. arhhar, my first shot was her advice she told Paul "don't look at the ball, look at the pins" arhahar. but for me, i like looking at the arrows on the floor. haix. lao mao bing. keep bowling to the ball to the eventual right hand side. ew. but aiyah. have fun can le.

so much fun. i don't think i can wake up early arhhar. going to bed at 6am. oops. don't let mummy know. she'll kill me. "you want to fall sick again huh". =X nitey. and thank you for the fun day today. arhahar.

the internet connection wasn't working. but it shouldn't stop one from blogging since the feel of it sprung up. i thought i should do something about the feelings i have. rather then let it dissipate into thin air. or something. arhahar. its been quite a long time since i blogged. since most of the thoughts that were running in my head were rather kept in the black book on the exterior, but lovely white pages with lines on it to just let me scribble a thing or two onto it.

the entire feeling of writing and typing it out on the keyboard suprisingly feels a tad different. cause when i write on the book, i tend to be careful not to make any written errors cause i don't like to cancel out stuff, much less be bothered to adopt the liquid paper approach. and suprisingly, i don't really tend to make mistakes when i write them out on the book but the moment i start typing, the usual process i have is just whack and press the keys. see what you feel just press, arhahar, and see the errors appear out on the screen do you hit the backspace button and correct the wrongly typed alphabets. i tend to be less careful. when i type, but in its own ways very thereupeutic. i think thats the spelling or what not. arhhaar. which has in some ways kind of being adopted as my typing attittude whenever i touch the computer's keyboard. that sense of familiar feeling when i type on the keyboard, now that its the nec comp that i'm using. i used to be very adopted and used to the acer's keyboard. moved on to the acer's laptop feeling. once the feeling comes about, when i start pressing the keys, arhhar. it'll hit and go non stop. i like the entire process of pressing and seeing the words appear on the screen one by one. very fulfilling arhahar. and somehow, i'm beginning to love this keyboard on the nec laptop. i like the hp ones too, arhahar. they got that clutting sound whenever you hit the keys :)

i'm suddenly beginning to feel so emo. God knows bout what but its been a great day being able to come home. after worship practice and driven home by lovely uncle henry. for one thing ago, when he asked me how long have i been on the worship team, i think it isn't long arhahar. but i do remember when i was new to the church, i remember standing in the congregation and worshipping God, i remembered seeing this real cool uncle (its uncle henry) he was one of the only i think, worship leader who would sling a guitar as he led worship. i thought he was cool, ahhaar. and i was dreaming, "arh, wouldn't it be lovely if for once i could be able to be up there on the stage playing with Uncle Henry, 2 guitarist. arhhar. together, as a team worshipping God".. it happened today and is gonna be another tomorrow. wheeee!! for God. goo goo. arhaarhar. for one thing back then, arhahar i didn't even knew how to play the guitar when i made the comment arhhar. God knows what goes through my head when i make comments, that today i only realised it was something a little secret that erm, God was actually hearing me all this time. that it was just a matter of time before the things before me, in my life were slowly revealing. i smile and shake my head in disbelief at times how small a comment at times like that turns into something real time. i mean for once, i still cannot believe myself that God would be using me, arhahar. one person who's so afraid of string-ed instrument who sort of made a vow that she wasn't gonna touch anything related to string instruments, after her bad experience with the CO team, she turned away feeling useless. arhahar, not till she joined the next door band (with that neverending war with the Music Ensemble and the CO team at RMPS) arhahar. i think she found her love for music. arhhar, i still do remember learning that basic recorder instrument cause Mrs Seng claimed everyone had to start from the bottom. and that's supposedly the bottom before anyone could move to any other instruments. i sort of had the knack for it, arhahar, moved on and played the pianica. arhhar, which i will always say, i just whacked lar, arhahar. i'll usually hit 85% of the song. arhahar never more than that in terms of wrong notes played. i'll always fade out and fade in when i'm confident. arhahar.

i picked up the guitar later. arhahar, leaving music for some years and coming back to realise back then in primary school i was learning the basic of all basic. just the pure C major range, and only it. arhar, sharp and flats never existed, much less the minors. coming back on the guitar arhhar, not that my theory base is any good, but picking up slowly arhahar. like today's one note higher transposition. argh. arhhaar, i still need to write it down! useless ahhar, but its a start. arhhaar, plus one of Bm, it didn't occur to me its supposed to be C#m. doh arhhar. :) took me awhile there. but its fun.

the whole feeling just sunk back and i was smiling as i thought of the good old primary school days. i miss school. right on from primary school, to secondary school, till the poly days. i wouldn't mind reliving the entire thing over. rather, i miss the da jie da feeling, arhahar. running around the school. whoo hoo. then the chu lian days will come back arhahar. Doh. ridiculous.

but in all, i just thought i should be patient as to whatever God is doing to me. after worshipping today, and lately, it was more like what Aunty Carol said, "be patient with your recovery, don't push yourself too hard'. whoa. true but i think it was more of like to patience, being still and just having that faith and trust to hold on to whatever plans waiting for God to unveal. i mean i suppose you do your part, and there'll really be that your contribution part which says "thank you for contributing" when that's all you can do and anything further more is supposed to be time revealed. for lately, i was sort of holding back from God. Preferring to shut up God and just let me live my days. arhhar, obviously nothing worked and it seemed that i was angry over every single thing that came my way that it seemed i couldn't do a thing or two to it anymore. i think the high fever did me good.

for one it made me realise that once again, the great o men is fallable. and when it means everything around you, it really means to what so ever routines you're having or living in your life can oh so very well can be changed anytime, whether you're ready anot. no one gives a hoot to whether you're ready anot, it normally takes place when you least expect it. arhahar. for a moment, i realised that yes, you're young but it didn't meant or equals to you taking good o health for granted. its really a matter of till you lose it do you know how to appreciate the things that you already have, and not the things you do not have. that to be able to do the things you deem as normal might not so very easily be something you could do tomorrow. when i lost the joy of appreciating or rather just eating food normally, to be able to enjoy the good o shower, to be able to clean yourself daily which in normal circumstances you could do, suddenly became a little bit more challenging all of a sudden, when you realise hey, i'm 20 you know. not 80. but i felt everything being a chore, even having a good night's sleep was deemed such a chore, that all i could do was lie with my bloody eyes, wide open. you're tired, you're sick, you know you should rest. but you can't, that feeling was whootingly annoying. it just spelt h-e-l-p-l-e-s-s all day long. i lost everything over night whoo. my health, my life was in some kind of crossroad mess, failure from applying from something you wanted to do, but prolly isn't meant for me to do arhahar, the daily chores becomes serious chores daily. tv isn't the way to go, you can't enjoy anything cause walking straight already was such a problem, forget about leaving the purple lavender room. forget about the clear blue skies cause no matter how lovely the skies were the day i was sick, i wouldn't even look out the window. i was plain angsty, angry. pissed. dissed. wouldn't show it to everyone but i think it was written on my face. when wanting to vent on the book also becomes a chore. i couldn't do anything but sit and lie on my back just wallowing in my sudden state of helplessness. arhahar. wanted to be left alone, don't touch me for you wouldn't and never gonna understand was my message for the next couple of weeks.

to the build up till today. when i was debating strangely to myself, I didn't realise but Jayson only said when he saw me at Videoezy "you abit weird weird de leh. like not happy like that". arhhaar. why so? i also don't know that i'm still figuring out why, i thought i was happy with the job, i thought i was doing well with the job, or was it to my own expectations that i wasn't living them up. but i know on the last 4 hours i worked there, i somehow felt alittle bit happier arhharar. why i still wonder, wasn't like the people there weren't nice or like the job was demanding. it was like a sort of release from what i don't know. but i felt relieved arhahar, could be the self imposed expectations i was putting to myself or something. humm. strange, but left the job cause i know i ain't want to fall sick any time soon, with the clinics around and my poor immunity, i left. which means yes, i'm jobless. or does it mean i'm supposed to put in more effort on my six stringed instrument. harhar. i'm still figuring out :)

interesting to just look back and look at the little issues and warning signs that are apparently in your face but you just don't look at it. Emo Boy said "you seem more gay (happier) of late". but i know i appreciate him for being around. i don't seem to be listening physically, but your words does head through me ya? arhahar, what goes on inside of me doesn't show on the outside. arhahar, i can't help it!! its just a habit or maybe my way of escaping the growing up years, the difficult times, that i don't show anything on my face at all, but arhahar, its all brewing on the inside arhahar :) i'm learning to share more along the way, arhahar. but your random play arounds with me when i say "i think I can't seem to hear God lately", when you tell me "maybe He left you" arhahar, and i'll go "nope, He never leaves, its i'm not listening" arhahar like how you tell me the past few weeks that I fell sick ain't my fault blah blah blah but it was more like a lesson learnt cause you will never lose in these kind of situations. aey, bingo, you suddenly have the sense and logic sense in you for once is it? for once or rather lately, i felt logic and sense seems to have hit you on your head. i think you sort of grew up a little bit, like mature in some sense arhahar. can't pinpoint as to where but you've been a man when the situation arose :) good boy. arhahar :) i know why i said why i was enjoying your presence of late, cause i remember when it started out initially, arhhaar, you were like the man arhahar, think with a straight head and with logic. arhaha somehow, as time goes by, your logic seems to have went out the window, but of late, you've got that wise feeling on you arhhaar, and the truth, i enjoy that feeling on you of late. arhahar. wise men are turn on. *winks arhhaar. its just lovely having you around, and a joy :) having you and to the ppl who cares for me, the friends and all, thank you. for the words of get well soon and the hello and chats. every small things are greatly enjoyed and yes, lovely. its the joy of moving on to a new day, the hope, the reason how i can be so amazingly stunning in my lameness. that you all are happy too at the same time no matter where you are. smile smile smile. and friendships, (ok yes love gets included for now :X) are apparently, life's most precious gifts. of course, mind that health of yours. money can buy you the doctor but it isn't mean you got a lifetime immunity against the unknown viruses, while you can, enjoy the food on your table, and enjoy the enjoyment that you can get out from being able to fill your tummy and taste the food, glorious food. the internet connection was found but died again. oh wells, i'll just leave this in notepad form till it gets published. ctrl a + ctrl c + ctrl + v. hit the publish button!

i wanted to share on the thoughts on "healing hands 3" on yesterday's episode still fresh on my mind. Anson and her hubby bearing a baby who is very likely to come out to the world as a child down with down syndrome. isn't the first time that i've reflected on the issue but it seems so real yesterday that i crossed the issue twice. i remember trying to fit myself into the shoes when i was younger, i gave a very definite "why yes, of course you'll bore the child, for the child is first a gift from heaven". but how come as i get older, that definite answer keeps turning into an erm urhhh. answer. why the uncertainty. cause the debate on always "he/she is still your child", "it stayed in your tummy for some good 9 months", "how could you be so heartless" issues come out. "you bear it, you're gonna give the baby a hellish life when it comes out" was what mom did told me before. i thought she was so heartless but aiyoo. i think back of it it does make sense. but its so diffcult for the pair. healing hands made me feel human lately. to be able to enjoy a show to immerse myself totally in the show and just develop that feeling for the character. i feel human again. and doh, when a guy cries, i tear. ew. arhahar, but yar, watching lee jun ki (suprisingly) cry as he shared his letter of thanks to his fans (i'm not a fan) but i was moved too! when Edmond died in the show, and the girl (aiyah i suck at names) just immersed herself in work (the name is Frances) arhahar., and Paul was concerned for her and all. she's a pathologist, working in the forensics to speak justice to the dead and innocent who were murdered. i thought of ashley for a moment arhhaar, her dream. and sulk and look at the things in which has happened over the months.Uncle Henry said today the things that makes you angry are mostly the things you really care about. dang. i thought he made so much of sense arhhar :) *sighs. but in alls, i think i'll just did what she did all the same as her ahahar. she's cool.

then watching today's "smile again" on teevee. diao. emo again. sometimes, the people you care alot for, can really hurt you alot. where your dear so called friends could just turn their backs on you and continue doing what is deemed important in their agenda without giving a care two hoot about others feelings. whooo hooo. emo emo emo. its what i deem backstabbing and ouh i so hate that and those people. but the magic comes in muarhhar. hate but forgive. or maybe hate wasn't suppose to be allowed in the picture. Uncle Henry asked me today again "do you forgive him". i think yar the answer is more of a convincing "yes" as i get older. :) if mummy could do it, doesn't give you a reason to hate and not forgive. i talked to hm today, arhahar, acted all kiddish today when he offered me sushi today. ew. raw stuff mou call me put those stuff in my mouth, without Glenda around. arhahar. it has to be dipped with soy sauce and wasabi then can tahan lar. :) and slurped down quickly with warm smoothing green tea :) hee hee. i feel suprisingly relieved. at peace with myself of late. which makes me happier of late. arhar. and a little feeling of accomplishment. arhahar. lessons learnt and kept at the back head of me.

to all those feeling sluggish and sicklish of late. loads of prayers going out there and take care! drink more water and get more of rest :) hee hee. and yar, Jesus loves :) i love too. hee hee. going to sleep its worship tomorrow. and a high high God high time arhahar. playing with the team today was such a joy. i thought was a little different God high today. happish high. or maybe its just me arhahahar. go to sleep with mummy's new gift. my green cute uber round tortoise which makes me happy. happy momsy's day. i should be home tomorrow to come out something for mj.net. arharhar. for those sweet angels. Happy Mothers' Day to all the momsys out there. ouh yes and to Internet Mummy muarhhar. Lurves. Jojo omma, lurves, wharhar, Godma, my mom and sweet aunty carol. lurves and God blessssss. har, the indispensible people. arh. i'm gonna have my sweet dreamys. i think. but problem is hello. i don't dream? arhahar :) nitey nite. crtl+s. saved. in notepad for now :)

there's quite alot lately happening. ahahar. i don't even know where to start. but all i can say. i was down and out for a week. from a good old 40.3 fever. and i'm just glad to be living, breathing, kicking and typing now. being down and out for some period of time has certainly cause some rustiness in me. and some changes in the lifestyle aku live now.

apparently i can't have any more late nights. its like the forbidden thing cause of the belief that late nights isn't good for health. and i'm still trying to sort out some bit of myself. still can't pinpoint what's going on with me, but arhhaar till i do. it'll be a long entry ranting. but for now. that's all for now i guess. i'm heading to bed. my mom just nagged me :) nitey.s

this was taken during miss lim kim yee's birthday party. arhahar, whilst people are having their fun, there's the lonely 2 souls together taking multiple photos. this girl beside me DUA me. put me aeroplane.

me:"come lets K together"
her: "ok"

when the real moment comes to sing, it turns out i sang solo. her voice was so soft. omg. anyways, singing wif KY's better. liang san pou yu ju ying tai. rocks. i like the pei ying. arhhar :) trained with Winnie so sure can sing along with anyone right? arhahar.

ouh and do watch 200 pound beauty. its a great show with Joo Jin Moo and Kim Ah Joong. Rocks. great storyline to all the idiotic guys who keeps hooking on appearance. like i mean they adore looking at woman who looks all gorgeous and being under the knife. but the moment their own woman goes under the knife, they get all "hell no". argh. but i love it and it was watched with lovely winnie. winnie, sleepover. quick make a date.

arhahar. everyone's all working meanwhile whilst they wait for university admin. so yes. but good thing i had a great day out today with my buddiez. and miss hwee boon is missing. jia you, finish with papers and we can go kai kai. ahahar =) but the rest was there. so yar. i also quite a number of shots, put them all together. fast fast.

its great fun chatting and catching up. so long no see all of them. arhahar. we're mostly the same apart from now its "where you working" "ming tian you zhuo ma" i think most of them concussed now. apart from miss ah hui. get some slp! tomorrow will be a better day :) let the pictures do the talking. i'm gonna be slping too. soon. its 12-6pm at tiong's videoezy.

to the boy. go slp lar. so random panadol? i thought someone said don't claim to pop pills. let nature run its course? *bleah. whatever hor. :) get well soon lar. the boy is fast asleep. =D cause no reply from the phone bwahahar.

my 3.2mp kyocera camera is back in action but the problem still stays. the reliability's of the camera's battery is bad. *sigh. but nonetheless, when it works. its still rather decent pictures. point shoot camera. compact. God give me a better battery puh lease. its an old cam. but i still love it. for its my first. chu lian camera. doh :)

that's us below. i love that picture alot. :) taken by me me meee! bwaharhahar. :) my hair's kind of messy. Me, Jin Hui, Janna, Vanessa, Ling Li