hello to this blog. its coming to 3am on this sunday morning. and i'm just back from grandma's funeral, and then it was supper with little tiger at her house nearby for prata. Gotta thank God cause initially it was just a walk to 7-11 to grab some cup noodles but the brands available simply sucked. she ate her yo ji. (pig internal organ souP) her favourite. whilst i just had 1.5 pieces of prata. kosong. she had the other half. and back from a chat since 12 i think. harhar.

a day of ups and downs but the ups has kind of made the day worthwhile. today has been a day of overcoming anger. anger sparkled off cause i really would have preferred if i didn't make the walks. since it was a teochew ceremony. couldn't really end up the way i would have wished for simply cause in the extended family, there were representatives of the grandchildren. i just did it really cause i don't want any other talks and speculations as to how come 6th aunt haven't got any kids? while the fact was that there were 3. but none of them wanted to take the walk and it didn't help with an emotional mom. i got the brunt of almost everything when i said that jie wasn't gonna walk. not that it was her first time but it has always been the case, cause as the saying goes youngest mah. so ok lor, since the siblings are all grown up already.

but for a moment i really didn't want to think in her point of view cause simply, for a moment i had my own beliefs and convictions. it might have caused a controversey cause for the past few days, i didn't really hold the josssticks while i just stuck to the bowing. whole thing caved in today just for the rituals. fine, if it made everyone happy and if it would have sparred my mom from the awful earfuls. but the guilt was really there. i knew where i stand, but i was just wondering and really telling God i didn't enjoy a time i was doing it.

respect as it is to grandma, ok with the bowings and all. i'm glad grandma knew i was a christian before she left. she realised it on her own without me telling her and she asked to confirm, i nodded my head. it was just weeks ago actually. that i knew she knew i woudn't have disrespected her in anyways.

i really detest being put in situations like that, that you just have to face the shit in your face. not only that, accept the shit incoming to your face with your arms wide open. gladly. it definitely isn't the easiest things to do but it really isn't much of a choice. that as you get older, you really have to learn to shrug it off, or rather be calm as your anger rise and not vent it on anyone around or near you while you are letting out your steam like bouts of farts. you have to do it the silent killer way. arhahar, and just laugh it off later. i just shared my anger with people and really get over it.

i was angry matter of factly that when i was going through the stuffs, and there was my brother giving those stupid face and stares, sister sitting there and father. just laughing and enjoying their own private time whist i wasn't. but aiyo, they're winners right, they have choices and reasons to back their actions. fine lor, win lor. i just look at my ownself and just really sulk at the mirror. it seriously annoyed me i just went off after the whole thing and just said bye. nothing better to say, don't say.

tired obviously that shit was once again flinged at me, can't duck. just stand there, let it land. i just wanted to really be alone and recharge. be quiet and still actually before my school starts, tidy up some things in the mind! get the body used to working and not being a bummer? get the stuffs on which needs work done, like driving harhar, mind used to thinking more than idling usually, to commit the upcoming time to God :) but i feel so so drained. with all this religion vs fillial piety things. you wish it could be as easy as dumping one away and just go with the other. but then again, life isn't that simple. i'm so so tired, i want a hug! harhar which the thing i do is grab Da Dou and give it a one big hell of a hug. no wonder the head needs stitching.

am nursing my tiredness, tinch of sadness and guilt. but i'm glad and happy to tell Little Tiger in the face that after all these years, i can really care and love her the way i should. hee hee, that i no longer was prejudiced over her with the perspective mom loved her more as a goddaughter. whahrhar, cause it realy didn't matter to me now. :) i should love her and stop running away from the fact that both of us are really similiar. hee, i refused to the core back then, but all's cool! i told her i'm happy hee hee, cause it taught me to love more! thanks to God's work and the prayers.

Thank God for the open coffee shop cause she said it was normally closed at ungodly hours of the night, but for some apparent reasons, open today. Thank God for the awesome chat we had, the times we spent together now, the laughters, the joy, the care and concern and love. they're real and genuine now! well to the work done till today. way cool. so as i was saying shit happens, but times, they'll be times where tao hui gets thrown too. you enjoy cause its my favourite? harhhaar.

anyays, i'm thankful for today lar. definitely another good lesson to keep me in check, on what anger and forgiveness is. its very easy to anger, but forgiving takes a hell lot more :) thankful too for the people's concern and gladly, and definitely to Aunty Carol who's been awesome. though not in person the sms exchanges, i felt you near :) Cousins Jane Jie, for just sharing, togther with her dear Gary, William and Julie. and Little Tiger. for the times. and emo boy for his encouraging words too. :) lovely. so its time to slp and its to the creamatorium later today. day seems daunting but may the Lord see this through and continue to provide His comfort and hands of protection and rest during this time. Ah Joy Hwaiting. in front of my The Tiger's comp. Thank God for a comp and internet? harharh :) i forgot to bring my black book lar. while i tune myself to Amazing Love on youtube. harhar, i dont have the song anywhere. but the song came to my mind :) to seek some comfort.

I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken.
I'm accepted, You were condemned.
I'm alive and well, Your spirit is within me.
Because You died and rose again.

Amazing love, how can it be
That You my King would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
Its my joy to honour You
In all i do, I honour You