its funny how a couple of days i was blogging the happier times of life. the times at melaka, the time of sharing and fellowshipping. then yesterday was enjoying emo boy's time together. that the absence we have have taught us what it is to appreciate the times spent together, harhar, no matter what the coming of the mays may be. had fun yesterday, chatting, while he was being a cat, him playing his fender bass (it is utterly swanking looking no doubt. red white, lecquered fretboard. what life is that?!), and me on his kapok guitar harhar in his room. i was itching to pressing some frets and strumming some stuff, and since chris daughtry was added to the playlist, i was just playing to it. i missed the absence of the yamaha guitar arhahar. certainly not the best but least it was something that sounded familiar.

then today again, it was a morning start off at marina with Glenda at K box. arhhaar, sing with the lunch, and its ok lar, 12 bucks for some joy. then Lydia came along hee hee and we did some shopping around, had some bites at HK cafe. food prices ain't heacy on the pockets but the rise in the gst tax just makes it a chore and a burden to the pockets.

shopped and i got myself a new pair of decent swanky looking gold slippers arhahar. affordable and apparently the soles are said that they are not that easily worn out so why not have the try. i wanted to get it over at MY but apparently, they don't ship in sizes more than 7. i wear an 8. glad to find it today sitting in front of me as we entered the shoe shop.

mobile rang. mom was asking me to head out for dinner on my own, home's not cooking. she was in the hospital. granny's been there since a couple of weeks ago. all day long when i ask apart from that couple of visits down was she's ok. still at the phone call i asked again if she was ok. mom said ok. okay. carried on looking around.

not too long after, some 30 mins later i got a call to say she passed. shock in a whole new sense, cause i thought my mom was pulling my leg. but i mean who would joke on a thing like that. to a person departure, i guess we might seek on the comfort on the reason behind it, which i asked was she developed a fever yesterday, haven't been well today. gone. just like that.

thing's that the moment i'm alive, i haven't really seen my grandpa's from both maternal or paternal sides. paternal granny was more of a jovial light hearted granny who would cook great dishes (i love them and i miss them) and i remember every new years when we came she would smile. when we left i would give that funny opening and closing of my hands as a sign of bye to her. she left too early, then i was prolly in my secondary school. this time is my maternal side who bidded farewell too.

i know i wasn't the kid who really sat at the lap of their grandparents or listen to stories to them or was really close to them, but my sense of regret is really, i don't understand myself. har, how come i don't speak any dialects. that i'm weird, apart from the english, chinese i speak more bahasa indon than any dialects. if i were to listen to it, many a times i go by the general feeling, of what the conversation was about. failed in a way cause there wasn't really a closer relationship built with the grandmas. maybe family situations may kind of hinder it, but har. i do ask myself "is that all?" - all that you can do?

often enough, the ironic part of life that i seem to realise, prolly most of the time is that we tend to feel the real presence of a very person, is through their absence, that we seem to realise the importance or value of that person you hold in your heart, in worst case scenarios, is only when they're gone. pa grandma was an excellent cook :) happy jovial. ma grandma was more of the solemn, quiet one.

its ok. i'll think of jin yi's paternal grandma. arhhaar she very cute de. least there's chinese i can speak to her!!! arharhar. :) and seek joy in a matter of fact that maybe. circumstance allows you to easily draw closer to one, or just mere hi bye smile relationships. growing up isn't the funnest part as to what i pressumed i wanted it to be. cause when i'm small, i wanted to grow up, be independent, do the things you're supposed to do it, decently, that you don't get bullied. you grow your own convictions and stand firm on them. now that i'm 20, har, there's more to meet the eyes lar. more issues that comes hitting your way and you learn more lessons :).

emo emo emo ah joy. pity to little tiger - my lil cousin, carol. won't be having a happy celebration for her birthday. shit happens and its been happening time and again on her b'dae. well, hope God makes a change this time round :) make a difference to her on that day, despite the difficult situation going on :). that finally when i'm 20, and she's 16, i've finally managed to shower her love and care, hang out and chat with her be siao char borhs. something i learnt along as i grew older. i hated her harhar when i was younger. when i have the perceived notion that my mom dotes on her more than me. it did seem like it when i was young, but you know, you learn to face the issues face to face, that if i learnt to see it from mom's perception, you could see more.

like what jojo omma said. "we tend to be more harsh on our love ones." i'm glad things are the way they are now. happy with little tiger. harhahr. and mother tiger (mu lao hu) *that's jin yi* =X harhar.

so in any alls, its just standing by each other, and the stuff's till sunday. and monday is school. whilst i'm trying to cope the end of zhuo boh-ness. i'm feeling the daunting-ness of it. work, hectic busy-ness coming in. period like this, what more can i do. apart from continue seeking God's strength and in faith. keep praying and holding on man. welcome to the roller coaster ride. it'll be lovely if you hold on to your dear seats and belts.

thank you girls, emo boy. glenda + jacob with dinner. at botak jones. tushan alvin. the little chats. on msn, :) adds that lil smile on it. like that yellow smiley. :) i love it since young and i still love it. smile. keeps you going for another day, as good as hope. everything will get better. awsome stuff.

thinking back, i was tearing on the bus when i heard Chris Daughtry - Home on the radio to kampung kembangan. the image of that song apparently didn't come to me as a love song. (I'm going home..) over and over again. my definition and picture of home was a place of rest. after a long hard day of journey, all you want is that peace and rest. suddenly the lines

(You always seem to give me another try
I'm going home
To the place where I belong
Where your love has always been good enough for me)

i was referencing the lyrics of that part like a worship song. =X The love from the above. arhhar. strange strange. its a circular song. goodness. arahar and its a love, bgr song. whatever i was thinking. my mind must have been cranky. but good. cause it was always during long bus rides to school that kept me going, the tearing once in a while. (: just marvelling under the blue skies and clouds. keeps me going. i loveee feeling small. awesome stuff.

now i take another perception. same song.

(I don't regret this life I chose for me'
But these places and these faces are getting old
But these places and these faces are getting old
I'm going home
I'm going home)

to my ah ma. :) going home. God bless your soul, rest in peace. to the mourning, grant them peace and rest as they go through these moment. to the ones, who haven't been respecting ah ma. awaken them up and let them see what they've been doing and do some reflection, if you haven't treat ah ma with the all due respect you should be, hopefully sees and realises what they've been doing and be sorry about it.

so which means i won't be at BAG and on church service on sunday. teochew processions on till sunday. prayers prayers, pray along with me pls (: