the internet connection wasn't working. but it shouldn't stop one from blogging since the feel of it sprung up. i thought i should do something about the feelings i have. rather then let it dissipate into thin air. or something. arhahar. its been quite a long time since i blogged. since most of the thoughts that were running in my head were rather kept in the black book on the exterior, but lovely white pages with lines on it to just let me scribble a thing or two onto it.

the entire feeling of writing and typing it out on the keyboard suprisingly feels a tad different. cause when i write on the book, i tend to be careful not to make any written errors cause i don't like to cancel out stuff, much less be bothered to adopt the liquid paper approach. and suprisingly, i don't really tend to make mistakes when i write them out on the book but the moment i start typing, the usual process i have is just whack and press the keys. see what you feel just press, arhahar, and see the errors appear out on the screen do you hit the backspace button and correct the wrongly typed alphabets. i tend to be less careful. when i type, but in its own ways very thereupeutic. i think thats the spelling or what not. arhhaar. which has in some ways kind of being adopted as my typing attittude whenever i touch the computer's keyboard. that sense of familiar feeling when i type on the keyboard, now that its the nec comp that i'm using. i used to be very adopted and used to the acer's keyboard. moved on to the acer's laptop feeling. once the feeling comes about, when i start pressing the keys, arhhar. it'll hit and go non stop. i like the entire process of pressing and seeing the words appear on the screen one by one. very fulfilling arhahar. and somehow, i'm beginning to love this keyboard on the nec laptop. i like the hp ones too, arhahar. they got that clutting sound whenever you hit the keys :)

i'm suddenly beginning to feel so emo. God knows bout what but its been a great day being able to come home. after worship practice and driven home by lovely uncle henry. for one thing ago, when he asked me how long have i been on the worship team, i think it isn't long arhahar. but i do remember when i was new to the church, i remember standing in the congregation and worshipping God, i remembered seeing this real cool uncle (its uncle henry) he was one of the only i think, worship leader who would sling a guitar as he led worship. i thought he was cool, ahhaar. and i was dreaming, "arh, wouldn't it be lovely if for once i could be able to be up there on the stage playing with Uncle Henry, 2 guitarist. arhhar. together, as a team worshipping God".. it happened today and is gonna be another tomorrow. wheeee!! for God. goo goo. arhaarhar. for one thing back then, arhahar i didn't even knew how to play the guitar when i made the comment arhhar. God knows what goes through my head when i make comments, that today i only realised it was something a little secret that erm, God was actually hearing me all this time. that it was just a matter of time before the things before me, in my life were slowly revealing. i smile and shake my head in disbelief at times how small a comment at times like that turns into something real time. i mean for once, i still cannot believe myself that God would be using me, arhahar. one person who's so afraid of string-ed instrument who sort of made a vow that she wasn't gonna touch anything related to string instruments, after her bad experience with the CO team, she turned away feeling useless. arhahar, not till she joined the next door band (with that neverending war with the Music Ensemble and the CO team at RMPS) arhahar. i think she found her love for music. arhhar, i still do remember learning that basic recorder instrument cause Mrs Seng claimed everyone had to start from the bottom. and that's supposedly the bottom before anyone could move to any other instruments. i sort of had the knack for it, arhahar, moved on and played the pianica. arhhar, which i will always say, i just whacked lar, arhahar. i'll usually hit 85% of the song. arhahar never more than that in terms of wrong notes played. i'll always fade out and fade in when i'm confident. arhahar.

i picked up the guitar later. arhahar, leaving music for some years and coming back to realise back then in primary school i was learning the basic of all basic. just the pure C major range, and only it. arhar, sharp and flats never existed, much less the minors. coming back on the guitar arhhar, not that my theory base is any good, but picking up slowly arhahar. like today's one note higher transposition. argh. arhhaar, i still need to write it down! useless ahhar, but its a start. arhhaar, plus one of Bm, it didn't occur to me its supposed to be C#m. doh arhhar. :) took me awhile there. but its fun.

the whole feeling just sunk back and i was smiling as i thought of the good old primary school days. i miss school. right on from primary school, to secondary school, till the poly days. i wouldn't mind reliving the entire thing over. rather, i miss the da jie da feeling, arhahar. running around the school. whoo hoo. then the chu lian days will come back arhahar. Doh. ridiculous.

but in all, i just thought i should be patient as to whatever God is doing to me. after worshipping today, and lately, it was more like what Aunty Carol said, "be patient with your recovery, don't push yourself too hard'. whoa. true but i think it was more of like to patience, being still and just having that faith and trust to hold on to whatever plans waiting for God to unveal. i mean i suppose you do your part, and there'll really be that your contribution part which says "thank you for contributing" when that's all you can do and anything further more is supposed to be time revealed. for lately, i was sort of holding back from God. Preferring to shut up God and just let me live my days. arhhar, obviously nothing worked and it seemed that i was angry over every single thing that came my way that it seemed i couldn't do a thing or two to it anymore. i think the high fever did me good.

for one it made me realise that once again, the great o men is fallable. and when it means everything around you, it really means to what so ever routines you're having or living in your life can oh so very well can be changed anytime, whether you're ready anot. no one gives a hoot to whether you're ready anot, it normally takes place when you least expect it. arhahar. for a moment, i realised that yes, you're young but it didn't meant or equals to you taking good o health for granted. its really a matter of till you lose it do you know how to appreciate the things that you already have, and not the things you do not have. that to be able to do the things you deem as normal might not so very easily be something you could do tomorrow. when i lost the joy of appreciating or rather just eating food normally, to be able to enjoy the good o shower, to be able to clean yourself daily which in normal circumstances you could do, suddenly became a little bit more challenging all of a sudden, when you realise hey, i'm 20 you know. not 80. but i felt everything being a chore, even having a good night's sleep was deemed such a chore, that all i could do was lie with my bloody eyes, wide open. you're tired, you're sick, you know you should rest. but you can't, that feeling was whootingly annoying. it just spelt h-e-l-p-l-e-s-s all day long. i lost everything over night whoo. my health, my life was in some kind of crossroad mess, failure from applying from something you wanted to do, but prolly isn't meant for me to do arhahar, the daily chores becomes serious chores daily. tv isn't the way to go, you can't enjoy anything cause walking straight already was such a problem, forget about leaving the purple lavender room. forget about the clear blue skies cause no matter how lovely the skies were the day i was sick, i wouldn't even look out the window. i was plain angsty, angry. pissed. dissed. wouldn't show it to everyone but i think it was written on my face. when wanting to vent on the book also becomes a chore. i couldn't do anything but sit and lie on my back just wallowing in my sudden state of helplessness. arhahar. wanted to be left alone, don't touch me for you wouldn't and never gonna understand was my message for the next couple of weeks.

to the build up till today. when i was debating strangely to myself, I didn't realise but Jayson only said when he saw me at Videoezy "you abit weird weird de leh. like not happy like that". arhhaar. why so? i also don't know that i'm still figuring out why, i thought i was happy with the job, i thought i was doing well with the job, or was it to my own expectations that i wasn't living them up. but i know on the last 4 hours i worked there, i somehow felt alittle bit happier arhharar. why i still wonder, wasn't like the people there weren't nice or like the job was demanding. it was like a sort of release from what i don't know. but i felt relieved arhahar, could be the self imposed expectations i was putting to myself or something. humm. strange, but left the job cause i know i ain't want to fall sick any time soon, with the clinics around and my poor immunity, i left. which means yes, i'm jobless. or does it mean i'm supposed to put in more effort on my six stringed instrument. harhar. i'm still figuring out :)

interesting to just look back and look at the little issues and warning signs that are apparently in your face but you just don't look at it. Emo Boy said "you seem more gay (happier) of late". but i know i appreciate him for being around. i don't seem to be listening physically, but your words does head through me ya? arhahar, what goes on inside of me doesn't show on the outside. arhahar, i can't help it!! its just a habit or maybe my way of escaping the growing up years, the difficult times, that i don't show anything on my face at all, but arhahar, its all brewing on the inside arhahar :) i'm learning to share more along the way, arhahar. but your random play arounds with me when i say "i think I can't seem to hear God lately", when you tell me "maybe He left you" arhahar, and i'll go "nope, He never leaves, its i'm not listening" arhahar like how you tell me the past few weeks that I fell sick ain't my fault blah blah blah but it was more like a lesson learnt cause you will never lose in these kind of situations. aey, bingo, you suddenly have the sense and logic sense in you for once is it? for once or rather lately, i felt logic and sense seems to have hit you on your head. i think you sort of grew up a little bit, like mature in some sense arhahar. can't pinpoint as to where but you've been a man when the situation arose :) good boy. arhahar :) i know why i said why i was enjoying your presence of late, cause i remember when it started out initially, arhhaar, you were like the man arhahar, think with a straight head and with logic. arhaha somehow, as time goes by, your logic seems to have went out the window, but of late, you've got that wise feeling on you arhhaar, and the truth, i enjoy that feeling on you of late. arhahar. wise men are turn on. *winks arhhaar. its just lovely having you around, and a joy :) having you and to the ppl who cares for me, the friends and all, thank you. for the words of get well soon and the hello and chats. every small things are greatly enjoyed and yes, lovely. its the joy of moving on to a new day, the hope, the reason how i can be so amazingly stunning in my lameness. that you all are happy too at the same time no matter where you are. smile smile smile. and friendships, (ok yes love gets included for now :X) are apparently, life's most precious gifts. of course, mind that health of yours. money can buy you the doctor but it isn't mean you got a lifetime immunity against the unknown viruses, while you can, enjoy the food on your table, and enjoy the enjoyment that you can get out from being able to fill your tummy and taste the food, glorious food. the internet connection was found but died again. oh wells, i'll just leave this in notepad form till it gets published. ctrl a + ctrl c + ctrl + v. hit the publish button!

i wanted to share on the thoughts on "healing hands 3" on yesterday's episode still fresh on my mind. Anson and her hubby bearing a baby who is very likely to come out to the world as a child down with down syndrome. isn't the first time that i've reflected on the issue but it seems so real yesterday that i crossed the issue twice. i remember trying to fit myself into the shoes when i was younger, i gave a very definite "why yes, of course you'll bore the child, for the child is first a gift from heaven". but how come as i get older, that definite answer keeps turning into an erm urhhh. answer. why the uncertainty. cause the debate on always "he/she is still your child", "it stayed in your tummy for some good 9 months", "how could you be so heartless" issues come out. "you bear it, you're gonna give the baby a hellish life when it comes out" was what mom did told me before. i thought she was so heartless but aiyoo. i think back of it it does make sense. but its so diffcult for the pair. healing hands made me feel human lately. to be able to enjoy a show to immerse myself totally in the show and just develop that feeling for the character. i feel human again. and doh, when a guy cries, i tear. ew. arhahar, but yar, watching lee jun ki (suprisingly) cry as he shared his letter of thanks to his fans (i'm not a fan) but i was moved too! when Edmond died in the show, and the girl (aiyah i suck at names) just immersed herself in work (the name is Frances) arhahar., and Paul was concerned for her and all. she's a pathologist, working in the forensics to speak justice to the dead and innocent who were murdered. i thought of ashley for a moment arhhaar, her dream. and sulk and look at the things in which has happened over the months.Uncle Henry said today the things that makes you angry are mostly the things you really care about. dang. i thought he made so much of sense arhhar :) *sighs. but in alls, i think i'll just did what she did all the same as her ahahar. she's cool.

then watching today's "smile again" on teevee. diao. emo again. sometimes, the people you care alot for, can really hurt you alot. where your dear so called friends could just turn their backs on you and continue doing what is deemed important in their agenda without giving a care two hoot about others feelings. whooo hooo. emo emo emo. its what i deem backstabbing and ouh i so hate that and those people. but the magic comes in muarhhar. hate but forgive. or maybe hate wasn't suppose to be allowed in the picture. Uncle Henry asked me today again "do you forgive him". i think yar the answer is more of a convincing "yes" as i get older. :) if mummy could do it, doesn't give you a reason to hate and not forgive. i talked to hm today, arhahar, acted all kiddish today when he offered me sushi today. ew. raw stuff mou call me put those stuff in my mouth, without Glenda around. arhahar. it has to be dipped with soy sauce and wasabi then can tahan lar. :) and slurped down quickly with warm smoothing green tea :) hee hee. i feel suprisingly relieved. at peace with myself of late. which makes me happier of late. arhar. and a little feeling of accomplishment. arhahar. lessons learnt and kept at the back head of me.

to all those feeling sluggish and sicklish of late. loads of prayers going out there and take care! drink more water and get more of rest :) hee hee. and yar, Jesus loves :) i love too. hee hee. going to sleep its worship tomorrow. and a high high God high time arhahar. playing with the team today was such a joy. i thought was a little different God high today. happish high. or maybe its just me arhahahar. go to sleep with mummy's new gift. my green cute uber round tortoise which makes me happy. happy momsy's day. i should be home tomorrow to come out something for mj.net. arharhar. for those sweet angels. Happy Mothers' Day to all the momsys out there. ouh yes and to Internet Mummy muarhhar. Lurves. Jojo omma, lurves, wharhar, Godma, my mom and sweet aunty carol. lurves and God blessssss. har, the indispensible people. arh. i'm gonna have my sweet dreamys. i think. but problem is hello. i don't dream? arhahar :) nitey nite. crtl+s. saved. in notepad for now :)