my heart felt torn, ripped, pierced numourous times this morning. strangely out of the blue but i think its the dream that i had that made me feel the way i did. and i thought about it for a while. maybe, maybe dad used to hi 5 with me back then when i was younger. that when i hi 5-ed with uncle henry for the video, it just brought back the memories i had of dad when i was younger. but that was all that i had of him. of the cnys' when it was back and i was younger. i didn't know much, young and innocent as a child. whow. i didn't know dad could leave me feeling the way i did. feeling better now after 2 hours of sleeping around the bed. can breathe now.

too emo today. cried on the way to school. wondering i'm i crying for myself, for him or for some other reasons. can't quite figure out the reason but i think its because i'm tired of being different at home. that as much as i try to delude myself that i don't care. i actually do care. argh. i'm as good as running like a bull, keep running in to the wall, but not really trying to get bothered by the feelings as you ram your head into the wall.

but in all, composed at lecture but returned home with the wind blowing at my face while i sat 151 to kent ridge, and took 10 to nearby my place, i just walked. and walked. and walked up to kent ridge park where i could at least blow some wind, see some skies, see some sea. press the camera button on the camera and took numerous shot. took one that satisfied myself. being quiet on the bench as i intake the view. wasn't the best of days or weather to be there, for it looked cloudy today. couldn't care less. to make myself pant. tired. make the legs scream to feel alive as i climbed the stairs up and back home. just to tire myself. least feel alive arhahar. and say a prayer before descending. its gonna rain another bout soon. emo mess i am in. but it'll clear.