i feel strange. can't somehow seem to describe specifically the kind of feeling i'm having. but i think its the snowball of everything. the talkabouts for a full entire 6 hours on sunday night where i said i wanted to go home to sleep. yes we end up talking. me and him for goodnessly that long. i don't know where that will lead but all i can say, after that, lately its been alot of self indulgence. i'm not really bothered by anything or anything else that is supposed to be on my studies.

you need to be in the army, go. i'm fine really. and i think you should be worrying bout yourself more than me. to everything you have worries, who is the better candidate than to carry everything for you. to be your helping hand and provider as and when you want. He's around you 24/7 and at your beck and call. customer-service excellence? yeah ding dong to the one up there.

i think i know why i'm feeling the way i do. just being solemn and quiet. just absorbing the sights around me, the smell, the colours. as i read my notes, "the wheel of retailing" i tell you i see the "wheel of life" occuring in front of me. reading the notes, brings such revelations to give people the reason as to why they are feeling the way they do, they behave the way they do, they think the way they do. yes, all the more understanding and grace you want to give to someone.

take the back seat, sit and observe. all i can say, i sat with fang lay + janna just talking about recent happenings, it just all comes to say that, life in these days, people run for that piece of paper, slowly everything seems to all go around that money, the pay, the salary, the expenses, money not enough. to your wants and to-do lists and wish lists. Its just damn annoying how everything seems to be greener on the other side. Like I hear Janna talking, to Fang Lay at times, yar we wish we were like her, like i said, "damn cool you're earning your own pay now" and fang lay goes "yar and a pay goes to pay this and that" and we all laugh. and see that's gonna be life for me in 1.5 years. (coming less than that. lets say for slightly more than a year from now)

how we talk about earning extra bucks. ahaha, complain bout earning $8/hr still people can complain they got no money. ahaha, and how they can sell things online + sales promoter + the thousand and 1 things they working for and still claim they got no money. ahaha. funny how it is.

then the talk with fang lay just made me realise that at times i tell people that its good they contribute back home to help pay with the 10001 bills they have at home. people say i probably don't need. haha, yes i probably don't need but i think i will be contributing my pay to getting a new place over my head. when i sit back and realise why at times just sitting down and watching teevee with my beloved boy, eating the meals at home. I think i get the tinge of why someone else at home is being unhappy over these.

Maybe he wants a private space to go to, have his own private life and start up his family. ok understand ahaha, and i realise what's hindering his plans. ME! cause i'm the only resident in this place on 02-02 that's across his room. i seriously wonder if he's getting plans to get a place but i really doubt it. ahaha, where his room is big enough, with the sarong hooks have all been in place in the house all ready to welcome one more nephew/niece.

the honest things is also i had enough of the man in this house. if the problem don't lie with the young one, it has to lie with the older one. BOTH of them operates the same way. (then i will tell myself, i thank God by boy is still much better than them) LOL.

People loves to be served. And you know what's the irony? They request for help and ok i try to help them. Its not about me whether i want to help them or not, its whether they want to help me to try to help them to get the eventual things done. Interesting when people in the house seek help, and they demand IMMEDIATE ASAP like magic, NOW. DINGS* and everything will wok fine with Ah Joy's services. its like i'm trained to do every single thing at home, from comp related, to net troubleshooting, to what have you. online applications, scanners, fix up, fans. HAHA. yar trained. Actually most of the time, i just whack, cause some people don't wanna learn, i have to learn. ahaha.

and i'm hitting my books. at the moment now, i seriously don't like the face of the older Him sitting at home. cause i don't like the stinking attitude people ask me to do them things. that's the reason i know why i HATE to owe people, cause i don't want to be indebted to them. and how he's smart, he'll get mummy to do all the bridging. "Wei, your dad wants you to translate a line of chinese words for him" ok, like the next thing i'm supposed to go in the room and read from the comp and give direct translations.

I shook my head and just went up i got FLAMED. "Wha! call you do one thing so difficult..." when all i said "print the thing out". Yar add on all the ungrateful things and pile it on my list of "sins" that these people at home, the elders have created. with all due respect, yeah add them on, and please turn the tables around and realise who's been trying to help and what do i get when things don't go the way they exactly want it to be. I get labelled "difficult". no one said i never was gonna do it. I ask for a print out. *shrugs. see how people love seeing things in one perspective and i have to do every little thing else. i label this amazing.

and the lights. oh goody. joyce has got a boy who knows how to change the lights and more tech stuff. i know he won't mind helping when he sees my situation. thank God its only once, and he's going in! so it won't be much of a trouble to my dear boy. how awesomely planned to spare an another being from this vicious cycle this home has taken for granted.

being labelled a "F***-ed type daughter" by that male elder at home. i heard it. and it still rings in my head. Wait. Seriously, one day really i will get 15 grand and slam it on your face. I don't wanna owe you especially any single thing. Its been my one resolution as i grew up and it only gets stronger lately once again.

i'll pack my bags and leave this place once everything is done and i can take my leave. i've seen enough and at times God keeps telling me be nice and love. I give and give and give. only to be thrown more atrocities and shits at my face. i always ask "why do i do all these?" its my favourite question. whenever i feel taken for granted for. and only then it makes people think.

that this lavender room is the only place of solace in this oh so big house. with doors protected so i can be spared for more shits coming my way. and i just do my studies inside, when i'm done with my papers. i will be back to deal with all these. piling crap work, cause its always taken for granted for. thank yous don't run in this house. unless people are in a good mood, where its always my mom the only person who's always been grateful.

BUT pls. when the tv in the room is not switched off, don't blame it on my boy. he doesn't watch soccer but only your dear son do. and he's not a stupid fellow to leave a flat screen tv on, cause he knows it blows. its just really some of the things that i've gotten so used to, that this house has taken so for granted for. its always someone else apart from their dear precious son. when people just make a comment "Darius watched tv here just now?" i was like no one even stepped into that room for that day. good thing the tv was loud, i could guess who the culprit is. When mom switched on the tv i was like wondering "no shows what? she watch what tv, its sleeping time" That I've been given the defence, before anyone jumps to conclusion, you better be fast to think who that person has been and give your reasons. "no one has been in this room. Its soccer channel what do you think? and pls Ma, darius watches tv and pushes the power button on the tv after he's done watching".

see how it just takes one apple to be bad and everything else becomes bad in this place. i just didn't had the heart to take it into heart anymore but to let everything go. how someone who isn't part of the hosue can become the next victim or rather scapegoat to the going ons at home. i feel so sorry to my boy.

oh i really wonder and just waiting for the day, i'll leave this place. and the elders can look after their dear begotten son. have 2 pairs of eyes to watch over him and care for him. the things i can do, your dear son actually can. but saying that i think i probably get 2 tight slaps across my face. when its pure facts, and funny when your sense of justice and pure logic and reasoning shared earns you such crude gettings. I got no idea what's black and white at home. because i'm like grey in this place.

it explains everything i've become. the over independence. the desire to learn and my faith. its everything i got even if i lose everything. and my friends. and to the Gan-pa and Gan-ma[s]. and the boy. cause i know one day, this will stop. I've never rebelled at home, just take it as it comes. cause that's what i've been called to do. I give my best. I don't wanna owe a thing. kthxbye.