I just received the news, the text. Wasn't at all surprising but I find myself asking, not why, but what am I going to do about it. I don't think I can do anything that would change the outcome since it isn't a question about me at all but about her.

I could offer my prayers, lend a listening ear, talk to you, be with you but that is pretty much it. I find myself questioning the scaredness of marriage. I know it is sacred, but to see it living it out in real life is an entirely different matter. Of course, everyone would love that it lasts forever but in my case, I see many of it falling apart, torn, broken, in shambles or in a state where married is just a term because the process of getting a divorce takes too much effort, procedures and costs, we stick to the status quo of "married".

I don't know or have all the answers as to why things/tradegies or things that we hope for, doesn't turn out the way we would like it to be but once again, it draws me to a point that everything, falls under the notion of change. Everything can change and my only saving grace comes from the fact that You never change and never fail.

I can only hold on to the one constant hope, that keeps me going, where all else is sinking sand and watch towers and fixtures, one after another, through the passage of time, wear and tear and eventually sink into a world of oblivion, like it never existed before.

I stand in this moment where I see history repeating one after another, three times in all within my family, when it comes to the word and topic of marriage, it somehow doesn't end up quite the rosy picture we all would love to hope for. I stand in this place to decide, if I should treat this entire marriage thing as a sham, another process that never works out fine that just appears to be a process of wooing you deeper and then setting you up for that "fatal blow" of failure.

I could choose to do that to logicalise the happenings that I see happening around me and deem that as a natural happening, since it is on a rise around the world, my situation merely becomes another number, a statistic to prove a fact.

I could do a million of things to self sabotage myself but then again, I've got nothing to lose and hope helps me push on to keep moving on to see what's in front of me, in time to come. To also mean that hope is all I have left and the only thing I have in me to keep me going, that helps keeps me sane and faithful.

It is my life's call, dream and purpose that all I would love to be known for, is to be a faithful lover of His, since the famous line that goes and we all would love to hear at the end of the race is to be rewarded with "good and faithful servant". Of course, more could be added to the line, but in simplified terms, it is just to be known as faithful.

Faithful because You've always been and not because I have, but because of You being who You are. I still love and trust, but my heart cries out to the many of the fatherless that is so prevalent and ponder upon the existence of Fathers and where have they all gone.

Sure there are the lovely fathers that I know and see and continue to be that awesome daddy that your dear children calls you :) You're doing an awesome job and for those who have fallen, there still is a chance and all is not lost. There are second chances and "second lives" if that is to say to be that awesome daddy, sure we all do make mistakes but do something about it, sincerity moves and speaks a thousand words as long as it is from the heart.

Let's walk through this again and Your presence will be greatly appreciated and loved :)

Rise and rise again till lambs become lions.

Loving You.

It is a funny feeling with my last week @ Temasek Polytechnic this time round as a staff. Though I wasn't dealing with the students but with the older generation of men, who are keen in joining the security industry, it has been an experience :)

It is a time of mixed feelings that as I spent 14 months with the company, just imagining that 14 months ago, I was job hunting ans just wondering what I should be doing with my life and now it is time to say goodbye again.

Can't say I haven't learnt anything at all when working with Edwin has by far been one of the most exciting days at work. Meticulous, a keen eye for details guy who really has taught me to be more detailed in my work and not to be too careless/suay bian in my work.

Having the chance to see how hard the people from the lower income groups work so hard to provide a living themselves or people, that though they have reached past their retirement age, they still have to work to support themselves as for those who are less fortunate, that they say their kids are not reliable and to be safe to ensure they have a decent life. For the more fortunate, they are working simply to keep themselves nimble, being both mentally and physically active.

It puts a lot of things into perspective as you come into contact with people from all sorts of background, you take a look at ourselves, how prevalent the self seeking mentality and attitude we possess the at times, is quite irksome. We can't seem to get enough or be contented with what we have and often a times, chasing after the next technology gadget, latest fashion and trends, the next holiday, the next activity to pick up, another lesson, another hobby or another television drama to watch.

Self gratification and the need to feel good becomes a new language that everyone speaks and everything else becomes secondary. I think about the future of these younger generation who are grown and immersed in this culture that seems so natural and the only rightful and cool thing to do, I wonder what is going to happen to the older generation of our parents and grandparents and how will they be living in years to come =/

Life was much simpler back then. Jayson was saying how hard it is to chase the simpler pleasures of life and attaining things that seem much simpler.

So let's strip off everything we have, the status, glamour, riches, I wonder who we are and what do we become. Perhaps back to the basics where life was really all about surviving and meeting our most basic needs and perhaps the need of love.

The simple life seems so complicated now and almost impossible to attain for many, for many build their lives chasing after their next goals of wants, desires to needs.

Perhaps humans are actually very simple creatures but with time and to ease our boredom, how we've become so complicated as we come come with a never ending list of things to immerse or give our attention to.

What are we living for? :) Is a good thought today again. I'm just glad the exit interviewer today was a gracious man who least could understand my motives for leaving, in any cases, all is good.

I feel thankful to be alive, well and healthy and most importantly puke-less and spinned-head less. I'm thankful to be able to be alive and talking to the people who I love, just hearing their hi-s, i'm happy, glad and thankful enough.

Yesterday was a horrid food poisoning incident (my second with West Coast's Mac's Double Cheeseburger) that had me having a horrendous head spinning and puking feeling that left me very sick last night. I struggled to rest and was awoken thanks to my head and it was worse than the first time I had it, so bad I wanted to reach for a knife to wrist myself or knock my head against the wall cause of the bleeding and the adrenaline rush that will least bring that breath of relief. I don't know how many times I cried out for Jesus's name and I needed so badly a Father who could hold me down or least hold my hand and tell me it will all go away. Pain meter was the best at 8/10 i think last night (yes to pain threshold perhaps going up) lol, but I ended up calling the boyfriend, Darius who prayed and immediately after an amen, I reached for the bin to puke it but the head still spunned. I'm just glad to have awoken up today and is very much still alive and kicking.

I've never struggled so hard with pain before that I am even having the morbid thoughts of wristing myself/banging my head on the wall just to bleed so it can provide that momentary relief. Nothing was bringing me relief in my hour of struggle, I knew it would end at 430am but getting to pass by the time was another mad struggle. In the midst holding on to resist the urge on my bed while I went to grab the guitar in my delirious mode and tried to sing Jesus song, I couldn't even get the guitar to sound right and much less sing. Next alternative, grab the ipod, to get it on and place the speakers on and try to worship my way to bed.

I got tired gradually and cold, so i tugged in and drifted off to sleep. So happy to have awoken up feeling less spinn-ed head but I realised what I just went through in the early morning, I thought of you alot and yes, I do see how often after God stands at position one that I call out, the next person I'll always think of, is you. For the past 2 incidents, and how important you are to me and the amount of influence you have on me :) Any cases, praise God for the Boy who saved me by praying for me that helped alot. Thanks my knight :D It was good to hear his voice and when he prayed, the fervor lol and yes after he closed and said amen, i reached for the bin and puked it all out. So I was left to just deal with the crazy head.

It's all over and i'm still smiling at The Legends of The Guardian, thinking of Sorum and his little sister which are the cutest things that makes me smile and remind me daily, fight a good fight! Listening to my beloved Jacky Cheung, sings like a daddy :D heh heh. I'm like feeling all aww all over.

It is always easy to start off well (i am a pretty good starter) but terrible at keeping things going in between and towards the end, I'll make a mad end dash towards the finishing line cause all I will want to do is just finish it good or bad, finishing is all I ever want to do sometimes.

Serving the final four weeks here has been harder than I thought, especially last week, where I kept falling ill and the flu that knocked me out for 4 days. It's a hard fought flu to recover from, to recover in time that I'll make it for the retreat (which does make me think if it was a good choice). All I know the past week has been a week of grace that brought me through and through, to have enough to make it through.

Talking to the boy yesterday has made me realised one thing - Base your life on emotions/feelings and watch your world swing from a week of faithful to a week of faithless, because it is what you think what it is. It reminded me of Eugene Peterson's - Getting to know your identity isn't about getting to know yourself but in knowing what God thinks of you, that you are transformed only when you know what your maker thinks of you. That will be the reason why you are living, discovering your calling and the gifts He has entrusted you with.

It doesn't matter how long you've been a christian, how many mission trips you have been, how much you know the bible but it is about your relationship you have with God. TMT 09 shirt spells it out, It isn't a religion but it is a relationship with God. Simple as it may sound but it baffles a whole lot of people that again and again, we try to fix God up in a box, tell Him a list of endless to do lists/excuses and boundaries and asking Him to work within it because that is what we signed up for.

So we worship/sing/pray, oh Lord be the centre, take us deeper, we want to see your face and when the opportunity rises, for it is what we have prayed and God comes in and tries to take us deeper, we freak out and tells Him a list of a million reasons why it can't be me/not me/i can't do it/my past/my failures. Everytime He tries to break the boxes again, we find another fig leaves/box to try to box Him up once again and to do it within our comfort levels again.

Again and again, the cycle goes, I sit and watch and realise, how classic we humans are, that we try to think of a billion "new" ways in being creative and coming up with stories into reasoning out with God why it can't be me.

It is scary to realise how much we spend our lives going through this cycle again and again, 3/4 of our lives fighting this, to realise the truth that I write in a yellow stickon note that I paste on my monitor that I stare at it each and every single day to remind myself as I start my day of work -

"Sometimes, some things can only be discovered through passionate pursuit and desperation" - Bill Johnson

Sometimes, we pray that we just want to seek His face/His presence, circumstances shows the heart of it why we are seeking His face/presence. When we want it hard enough, when we want Him hard enough that if we really aren't going to experience Him today, we're going to feel like we're better off dead, then perhaps we haven't really found the reason worth living for.

Talking to the boy always makes me realise more truths that as I talk it out to him and I myself reflect and realise the best advice and note to self every single day I awake, "fix your eyes on Him". It is that important and the moment we lose sight of Him, we lose sight of the very hope we carry each and everyday in us and we will forget to live from His presence and it is when we will settle for everything else because we have forgotten who He was and what He has said over us and what He has destined for us.

A momentary lapse, an endless cycle of scurry, a fall, a pick up and how we'll have to learn how to once again, fix our eyes on Him again. The biggest encouragement each and everytime you fall and have to pick yourself up again, is how much stronger you come back after you fall and how it etches a memory at the back of your head, a lesson of the importance of running with Him and along side Him.

By the grace of God, here is another day, waking up was a terrible pain and hard thing to do this morning I felt like giving it all up. Screw it, screw work. He somehow doesn't give up on me whenever I do and that is all that is sufficient to take me through, not because I can, but because He will.

Listening to Hillsongs - Yahweh (Hillsongs Chapel) version cause I heard Joel playing it during the retreat and how he was saying I'll like it. It is true, i like intimate/stripped bare and simple worship.

Reminds me of the greatness and how big you actually are, and who I am, in you. Did I say how I love the word and the name Yahweh. The depths and widths the name holds.

I love you, beautiful one.