This feeling of me stucked at crossroads all over again, isn't something new. 1.5 years ago, i was going through this, the feeling of hope, to the feeling of disappointing, to picking myself up and running again, to persevering, to reaching the end. I probably got there (that's if all goes well). An end marks the beginning of another start. Life. Countless of them.

I spent 2 weeks hiding and immersing myself into a behaviour of an utter child like-ness i believe none saw. Immeresed in my little handheld games, that brought back memories of me as a child. I love rpg, i love the cute graphics, running around, levelling up, storyline games. In the end, as usual, i got stuck, left it there. Picked up music and rhythm games, got stuck ahaha. It was like, crap, i couldn't run anymore. Ahahaha. The games lost its little security and fun and wasn't all that addictive anymore.

But through it all, it is me in the making and working in reacting to the happenings around me. It started off okay the moment the exams ended, just intended to just kick back and enjoy before dumping yourself into the countless cycle of the working life. It is not fun. But not as if you have a choice to the working life, but the only saving grace and choice, that would make working life feel better, is in deciding which job you'll be putting your hours into.

But mid way through the kick back fun, i believe the realisation of responsiblities and being a "grown-up" to least face them and take it in a graceful manner should be the way to go. Then someone comes in with a series of remarks that made you feel as guility as charged, needless of any defence, you're charged.

I took it for it wasn't anything new, and much less, not very much unexpected. The hardest point is that after living for 21 years, i doubt she's understanding me pretty much. And suprisingly, during the downest of moments, i woke up with a call from indri, how lovely. I was still sloppy and sleepy, chatted for a brief moment to catch up what each other is doing. She's been sick for about 4 times over and over, i guess. And i was just saying how i'm done with school. This time round, i guess both of us are down but we could still say we care bout each other. Her phone call was pretty comforting enough.

This is one of the hardest debate i'm trying to convince myself and her. Or least express it, which i'm not at all confident. Pleasing others vs Heading out there for your heart desires. I thought i've faced it, and have all figured out i can do it. Only to meet with a stumble and fall, that maybe i haven't quite got that part out.

In all due honesty, all i've ever learnt in my life was living for others, that i've been wired to do it, cause it was just easier. I wasn't happy doing it, it was joy for me. Or probably what joy was made up of, helping others so much that when the spotlight turns and lights at me, i'm lost for words as to what i want to do. Or probably i already have the answers to what i want to do, but i lack the supernatural courage to do it. And i have to find it, this is it. I'm never gonna do it now, i'm never ever gonna be able to do it.

Crossroads sap the living daylights out of me. I've been alternating between my book and sleep nonstop. My head's spinning and my mind in a whirl. I question if i'm over doing things. I just lack the courage to be frank to her, of myself. I made myself scarce in front of her today. I don't want to step on a bomb that triggers off another round. I've enough of arguing or proving my point, cause it doesn't ever go down well with her. Yes she may listen in time to come, but the process of it suddenly seems too daunting for me. Running away seems so lovely, but i can't go on another day of running ahhaha! Cause its not me.

In times like that, i wonder where my faith went. Missing or left it back at lalaland? My prayers are simple. "to everything may it be to Your will, on earth, as it is on heaven." - I'm not settling for anything more or less. Just on it only. I ask of nothing more than of strength, grace and mercy to get through this, that your will becomes more evident. and living. To see this unfolding, i hope it leads to what You've said. Its not that i don't trust You, i don't trust myself.

The weather has been lovely. Thank You =) and in times like that, i couldn't ask for anything but for him to hold me, hold my hands and tell me in my eyes. "you'll get by this, we will". Or his insistent him, of asking me to just hush. and just be quiet and silent. and enjoy the presence of each other. You're missed, and i hope your eyes will be fine. Don't worry, we'll get your eyes fixed!

In times like that, i'm reminded of the goodness of the Lord, He has blessed me abundantly with. <3