low. in anguish. go away
Its just what I've been feeling today. totally. totally larthegic. tired. out of mind. just going whereby the clock takes me. its not the best of things to do. but i'm just feeling the slums altogether. silly in a way for feeling the way i did. i thought of writing this thoughts down but what the heck. i'm really really. too tired to lift a pen up and spend the extra effort in ensuring the words are legible.
tired in a way. cause just feel stupid in a way arhhar. that the nose had to start its nonsense all over again this early early morning. i kind of lost my sanity in a way. i mean i really thought it was all over when the nose refused to stop its tap for the whole 30 minutes. i was ok meeting God but not really to leave my loved ones. somehow its my mom that was sitting at the back of my head above all. i gave a ring to my beloved, Ashley, who was ever there for me. and everytime i ring it at 2-3am in the morning, it was never a good sign. she knew something was wrong. shared with her. she companied me. right till the nose decided to start clotting. and i felt bad for making her lose sleep which she was fine about [but i still felt bad] so she "tucked" me to bed. i went to sleep till the morning.
pretty dazed over what had happened. it happened again for no reasons. no stress no pregnant lady. no nothing. probably made me behave the way i did. i don't know what's happening. I know i don't have control over matters like this but yeap. it just awoken me in a way. arhahar. somehow.
its monday, and its back to attachment. somehow my energy level is at its minimal. it just seems to seep out of me. i've just been feeling exceptionally tired these couple of weeks. i skipped church thinking i should just slp more. [though i woke up in time for 2nd service] i slept and slept ahhar. but doesn't seem to work. i'm still tired. lol.
came in an sms, "so got the notes from your friend already" i went "nope." "k" the reply went. times it sounded so cold. [not that i was trying to expect anything more than that, but is that all you're ever gonna say?] i felt i could do something to help. but at the end right now, i thought it might be wiser to have just said "no i don't know anyone" wouldn't that been better than myself going through the trouble. i sit back and feel, i don't know. i really don't know. why did you call the way you did at that period of time when i was having the roughest patch and made me feel the way i did. and the next moment behave the way you did like the above. times i also ponder what's it about i fell but got over you. i wonder why all that process? I just needed that someone to lean on when I needed that backing when the going went tough. i needed to realise hey i think i like you. and the next moment, I have to get over you cause it was never gonna be workable. you know your stands and i know my stands. just like that. our paths that collided but were never meant to lead to anywhere else except just meeting each other. i suppose was one of our gifts in our own ways. to help us get each other of the rough when we needed that extra push and encouragement to walk alittle further in this distance. but that's about it. don't even think about anything about that. i felt used in a way but on the other hand. its not the right word to use cause it won't be fair.
the other thing that got me feeling the slumps today. i know and i think it'll make me sound like a bitch. but i really feel i don't understand my mom. i know everyone else who knew about that nose bleed bothered to show some concern. and i was really really glad to have Jojo omma around. i felt touched. it was like for one person who heard me was her. she sent her prayers arhhar. and chatted awhile which placed a smile on my face. i don't mean to write this to gain your very inch of sympathy. but the person i thought of during that period of time. didn't place a thought of me. probably got me pretty upset. thankfully there was other ppl around. =) ash + KY + jojo omma + ben chan who all somehow lighted me up. Winnie's cute ahhaar. for her giggles. made office day all the more bearable and chattign with Hwee Boon. the day passed and with me on the earphones with SG Wannabe's 3rd Jib. nitey. i'm so worn.