Dang~!! Blogging on notepad [which will tell you where i am now] again. oh darn. this flu of mine never seems to be leaving me. keeps coming off and on. i tell u. getting irriated. arhaar. but who's to blame except for my ownself. can't take care of my ownself ahhar. but aiyo. getting old. immunity level is getting low. damn. doesn't help with the flu and coughs bug is on everyone around, and we're all sharing the same air con unit, sharing that same sick. contaminated air. argh~. so darn helpless at times.

june's coming to a close soon and i can't help realising that time is really fleeting past me. and i'm getting cute. i know i wouldn't mind watching and catching the world cup fever but arhhaar. thinking about it watching wif that someone else. in the family. i get turned off one way or another. i don't know why. arhahra. no hatred feelings but i seem to be enjoying myself being in my own purple bedroom. taking up the 6 strings instrument and learn new stuff on it. its fun learning the Lifehouse - take it away probably learn Blind soon. its addicting aharhar. tried to play Iris the way Goo Goo dolls did. but you know what. you gotta get your guitar tuned to that specific abnormal way. arhahar. not gonna break my strings ahrhaar. so i gave up arhahar. Lifehouse shall do for now.

trying to learn more stuff so chord changing and hopefully my bar chords can improve and switch chord smoothly. ahhaar. there'll come this nice sound if its done well. arhahar. and get the strumming rite gurl =) playing alot more guitar arhahar. as compared to months before ahhara. there's a difference somewhere. arhahar. thanks to Glenda arhahra for teaching arhahar. the best of me for God arhhaar. whatever or whereever I am now aharhar.
EP rally is coming up ahrhaar. i'm hopeful. Hoping everything goes on well =) and when July 10th comes Coldplay arhhaar. everytime i think about it ahhaar. i feel kind of bad. arhahar. i got ticket to the gig thanks to Ashley + Wee. they got it for me. arhahar. awWw. its sweet but aharhar. its just expensive. =( but i'll just treat it as a way of rewarding ahrhaar. for getting past to coming 3 months of attachment arhhaar. and for overcoming the self doubt part of myself and start doing more for God. arhahar. breakthroughs. that's what i meant. first breakthrough came back after Cebu to come and learn to play better, in hopes of serving God one day. more breakthroughs to come =)

For learning the guitar was the last thing i ever wanted to do. I know strings instrument wasn't my forte but i heard a voice telling me. "Joyce, pick that up". I said "no. will never be able to learn it for nuts". cause when i was young, tried string instruments in CO back in primary school. couldn't get anywhere. arhahar. cause i had a believe. i need to see it to play it. arhhra. went on to the band and learnt something else. recorder. arhhar. everything that the recorder could do. arhhar. got bored. went on to the pianica. arhhaar. stopped music in secondary school. till the guitar came. arhhaar. played it for few months grew tired of it for never being able to play a decent song right. stopped. for some time. picked it up again when auntie Chris came to teach. Then stopped learning. ahhar. thinking knowing that mere 8 chords was all enough. only to realise there's so much more to learn after coming back from Cebu. Just when you thought you know the basics is not enough. arhar. that wasn't even basic man. arhhaar. that was mere necessities. arhhaar. somehow its getting off from here i suppose. anyways, its all for God now. arhhaar. though it looks like i play more circular music then worship songs ahrhaar.

Keep going. ahhar. maybe i'm just bored now after Korea got kicked out of the world cup ahrhaar. boringg. ahrhaar. cause this world cup thingy is getting so expected aharhar. *yawns. i think since 2000. its the last thing i dealt with soccer. arhaar. since Dennis Bergkamp retired ahrhaar. i think i've retired too aharhar. becoming such a frenzy mad place. arhahar. where oldies can't be in the game, cause soccer isn't just a mere game of 11 against 11. its more about putting players on for marketing purpose. to sell jerseys, meet advertisement deals. aharhar. good or no good. handsome and diamonds and woman and cars. arhhar. teams get better not cause of what they breed from the soccer academy but from imports and transfers. arhahar. its just a mere reflection of what is going on in the world too. awWw. so i guess i just ahrahar. quit watching. arhahar. dramas and indulge in my own fantasies where good triumphs over evil all over again arhhaar. =) living another day in this world. what's coming next. just a penny for my thoughts.

harhar. i'm still thankful for Friday arhahar. for meeting up wif Jojo + Splash and Flossie arhahar. it was a sharing session arhar least it is for me. arhhar. i think ppl see me in my usual jeans outfit for too long. arhaar. one time of business casual arhhaar. i look that different. arhahar. =) thank you.

[ps. i'm listening to soOo much more english songs nowadays. arhahar. but i still like the older ones not the new ones]

hmm. been visiting blogs arhhar. SoOo alone at work. arhhaa. no laughters from Winnie no funny squeaky EeeEe or Yucks from Lavonne Its empty omgosh! arhhaar. oh wells. soOo dearly missed by me. arhahar. maybe come tml will be my turn? arhahar. sense this flu flu coming. NoooO. Go away. arhrahar. anyways. these couple of days i seem to be sleeping alot more but apparently doesn't seem to be working. arhahar. was soOo late for work ytd cause mummy thought i was sick didn't call me up. arhhaar. i smashed the highest record. oh wells.

Has been so far so good. talking to alot of ppl arhhaar. msn-ing. whoops. arhhar. but yes getting to know what they're facing and sharing opinions and it all revolves round friends. i dunno but i've just coincidentally been sharing bout the same thing. how come ppl's all starting to realise that the friends they start calling can be rather fake and most of them all start drifting apart. really, honestly, nothing's wrong with the way you are =) all lovely ppl u are. just yes. my theory just goes that out of 10 ppl u meet. 8 be rotten but there'll be 2 arhhar. which u rather have then those 8. arahar. i wonder wad's up with the numbers game? More friends, more luck? [like the Visa Advert? more birds more luck?] probably gain you fame and riches but nothing more than just mere plastic relationships which doesn't go more than mere accquaintances. arhhar. but on the other hand, don't give up in finding those ppl u can lean on =) there's still nice ppl out there. wharhhar.

i'm just currently feeling blessed. for being "untouched" at work, arhahar. by Her she's scary but yes. i just pray everyday for God's grace and favour be on me. ahrhaar. helping everyone else is way nicer. but i suppose she was there to teach me what it is to be begging and praying really really hard everyday. arhhra. and talking to God more often aharhar. its another 5 more weeks to go. arhahar. fighting!! and to Internet Mummy har! Take car and enjoy urself out there with the beaches. i hope the weather's dry on some days and u can enjoy ahrharar. the beaches wif loads of mini white crabs. arhahar. white sand =) [i want a holiday too! cebu please =)]

Been playing back to powerpoint and paint. arhahar. to do wallpapers for my desktop. ahrhaar. apparently haven't been much active online at nite these days cause i seemingly seem to be too larthegic except keeping my eyes open to the teevee and pestering and playing sms wif my mom. arhahahar. she's really cute lar. sleep i can't seem to get enough of it. arhhra. seems like we are all so slp deprieved. i'll share my world cup team here yar. arhhar. i hope they get into the quarter finals, further or not doesn't matter. prove out there that it is the belief that is what keeps them going. work as a team and they'll prove their something. =) i really admire their never give up spirit. till 90 mins is up, before anything than that, its not all up yet. and try their stamina, you'll never beat them XD and arhar! Lee Chun Soo has grown up. finally, take the lead and stop being a whinner. arhahar. Lee Young Pyo covering the flanks and deciding to attack with crucial passes. Ahn Jung Hwan super sub comes on and adds live to second halves. i lurvee them all =) that's what i call team spirit. can you imagine wad's it like working in a team like that =) awesome stuff.

anyway, this is my current wallpaper. arhhaar. =) its from their nike ad. arhahar. cheers. gotta head back to work now that i've work assigned =) *fighting!!

and my current heh. interests. whahar. i like that smile. [they're all uploaded into my photobucket. username: pure_joy] =) cheers.

arhahar. i think i'm too free or what. it was something that sparked my interest in this topic. its preetty a no-no topic but you know me. interest sparked makes me go search more information about it. there was this poster "bi-sexual, trans-sexual, lesbians, we accept them all" its pretty debating. i know but it just sparked an outcry from me. I know yes, in a way we have to be compassionate and emphatatic about them, but its a thin line to it isn't that right. in this ever so wrong society, where the wrong can seem right and the right seems ever so wrong. call me traditional or what so ever i don't care. i don't care but i know these people need help. its not a laughing thing out there laughing at these people, making an entire joke out of them and doing nothing bout it. its called gender indentity disorder.
among all the illnesses, which can so called be cured, one of the world's other's deadliest illness out there. are a list of wholesome mental illness. you'll be suprised at how long the list can go. that makes it drawn a very thin line between being sane and insane. a thin line between being mentally healthy and times whereby one simply needs a doctor. arhahar. i wonder at times how many of these mental illness comes down to a point whereby it is not caused naturally but self infliced [okay, accept alzeihmers] but i think majority of it has got to do with how the mind thinks.
it is sad cause most of this people come from a dysfunctional home. home without a working father. without a fatherly figure and at it, doubt about their degree of femineness or masculinity. i wonder alot alot. arhahar. i start wondering why the self doubt. and i start seeing how much this freaking world needs a cornerstone. you see how much there is a need for God. That they start to see so much of doubts that clouds over their beliefs. when things don't seem to be working to what they want and when they turn away from the solutions provided they run and run and start hurting themselves so much. they try something different and get indulged in it and get sucked into that world of deception.
its even sadder if they head into pro gay theology. yes they find comfort there but is that right? argh* sad demoralising. i wished i could do something after reading one of my sec skool mates life. i suspected it but arhhar. till i read it today. more or less confirms it. to a point whereby Good guys are either dead, married, or gays arhahar.
ok anyways. weekends are coming. Mummy is gonna be soOo nice. arhhaar. She's cooking my favourite. Spagetthi Bolognese and mash potatoes. arhar. 2 cousins are probably coming over nite and tml's gonna be time spent together. i hope i squeeze in time for the esplanade wif Ashley let's go swoon on Joel. =) enjoy ur weekends cause they are so hard earned. 5 days of work and 2 days of play. no wonder God loves Sundays arhhaar. Kidding. But i adore weekends. 6 more weeks of attachment whoot. =) i just can't help being NOT being high. too high today. arhahar. high on laughters.a rhahar.

Honestly, arhhar. what will you do without NOTEPAD? DIE. i'm blogging in notepad on the office's comp so its not that obvious. arhhar. actually the funnest things around are the simplest things. that's why the saying goes "the simplest things of life tends to bring joy". [okay. that was my own intepretion.] but it went along that line. arhahar =) i made wallpapers in the office for my desktop arhhaar. with powerpoint and paint. arhhar. [as what i initially started off doing] the new batch of interns from NYP are in the house now. arhhar. Shuffs work to them. arhhara. no lar, don't even know if there's any over at my depart. oh wells.

The toughest of weeks are over i hope. =) long story. but i've been picked on over at work. i hope i don't get to see her ever again. can avoid avoid lar. ahhaar. she's scary. arharhar. well, she got mummy pretty mad. arhahra. mummy wanted to head down to office and give her a piece of her mind. arharhar. mummy was like my hero. arhhraar. but course she didn't. oh wells.

finished whatever I was supposed to be doing. arhhaar. so am sitting down. listening to radioblogclub.com listening to arhahar. stairways to heaven ost. i don't know how i got there. was searching for Jolin Tsai's "Le Yuan" and tada. walla. stairways to heaven ost played. and i thought of the memories i had at hang ten. arhahar. diao! i know. i don't mean to. but for a moment. my mind had the shop outlet of Hang Ten over at Clementi. There was me and Iskandar there. arhar. because stairways to heaven ost was full of instrumental, arhhar. arh. whack. i just wanted to play the cd in the shop. arhhar. i asked if he minded, cause it was in korean. erm. arhar. he said ok =) so yeapp. one whole album played. arhaar. i shut it after hearin my share. arhahar. but he taught me wayy lot. arhahar.

- how to determine which customers to serve for and get great sales
- be flexible in prices
- fold clothes. arhahar.! the techniques. i still do it today. and yes. everytime i fold a shirt, it sits there nicely. i think of him. arhhaar.
- life's moral values and share a picture of what we eventually want to do and be when we grow up.

awWw. stairways to heaven, i haven't playeed that cd for ages. i know it's somewhere. just gotta dig it all up again. arhahar. brings back alot of memories. oops. arhhaar. just felt like ranting it out. after visiting my buddiez's blogs. Jin Hui + Ling Li + "Dear" arhahar. their blog. all having their own stories. their pain. their joy. went around sms-ing to encourage them. arhahar. =) and if ya wondering who that dear is. its my cousin Kim Yee lar arhar. she's facing alot among all that laughters arhhaar. i see it. but arhhaar. i ask generally. to see if the doors are open for me to come in with permission to go further. but yes. she's been busy and term tests are coming up. have to wait for this weekend i think. i'll always be there, ahrhar. for all of you all lar. just come and chat if you all want [as much as i'm not online] arhahra. i maybe resting but phone's still there.

i just have this wannabe feeling. arhhra. i wanna be like Chris Martin singing. playing both the guitars and keyboard. arharhar. he's awesome. and his vocal range. and i love them Live. wooow. arhhaar. i know when i was younger. i didn't like Coldplay a single bit. found them weird. and now. 4-5 years down the road and i'm loving them. ahahar. its ironic how many times i can say, i used to dislike something. i end up loving them the next bit. aharhar.

been thinking about myself seeing myself in the next few years. i have plans bout taking up digital media. but i asked last night. mummy doesn't seem at all warm or receptive to the idea. "i waste so much of money leh". i was like "oh no". i know i don't wanna be doing what i am doing now. simple good money yes i know, but i don't like the confined idea. its stable. but doh. i don't like it. arhhara. i don't want seeing myself opening Microsoft's application and email all day long. that's definitely not life. i think i'll just think of heading in to teaching if all's not gonna be working. i suppose my parents will only pay if i carry on doing what i'm doing now. its ironic. how you want to study but sometimes, just don't want to study anymore, if its nothing that i wanna do. *sigh* times life's so full of ironics. the irony of things. how ironic i can be. duh. i'm lame.

anyways, you guys all hold on!! I lurvee you all. Don't give up easily, or you'll be sorry for yourself. *fighting*

arh. boo. arhahar. ok. i changed my stupid browser. stupid spywares seems to be clogging up my system arhhar. oh well, its ok. firefox to the rescue. hopefully helps a little arhhar. and the thing is that there should be this text formatting tool on this browser but i don't know where it went. arhahar. oh well.

just write yar. anyways, these week has been a rather decent one arhahar. at work where wheee. arhahar. guess how awesome God is. arhhar. okay i'm bad, i was praying for full timers to work over at IBM at the same department which i am working at. arhhar. apparently, today, there's news that 2 full timers should be coming over and i'll be moving back down to where i started. arhahar. away from "suspicious eyes" arhahar. THANK GOD i tell u. ahrahar. meet the person who so wanna head down back to the fifth floor. arhahar. and do things without suspicious eyes. ahahar. tell me God's not real. arhahar. but anyways, day's been ok.

i suppose suspicious eyes was there for a reason. was reading the book Indri gave me. bout "the power to change your life" i think that's the title of the book i am reading now. arhahar. by Rick Warren. apparently, it has just said, "people become unloving because they lack love. they tend to act unlovingly because it is to get all the attention from you. do anything so that they'll be noticed. it used to be on the good side but slowly moving onto the negative side" kind of things. i like this line really much which was so called used in "a moment to remember" also. "Hate is giving room in your heart away, so why not love and free up that space in your heart", it goes somewhere along that line, but the above was my intepretation. arhhar. =)

anyways, the ways to deal wif unloving ppl around you was to shower them with all the love you got there. and love comes in different forms. love ain't the love that is frequently overly used. arhahar. gotta open up the book and quote more bout that. but love can come in care and concern for the person. getting to know their interests, desires. har! its a technique book. but yes. the bottomline was that God puts unloving ppl in your life to see how you can love the unloving ppl, be it your enemies or ppl that u detest. arh. yes. so yes. u can't change the circumstances around you but you can change the way you react to them [dat one was right off from the book, at the back of my head] arhahar.

anyways, arhar. i just had the sudden urge to blog after watching today's episode of "dae jang geum" also known as "jewel in the palace". the part whereby the whole entire village is supposedly suffering from an epidemic. and villagers try to flee. Chang Jing was set up by her fellow colleagues and she got stranded, cause the King said that none can enter the place or leave it. and when it seems that she was asking Jun Hao (Ji Jin Hee):

Her: "what have i done wrong? have i done anything wrong?"
Him: "no. you didn't do anything wrong. it wasn't you. its them. human obstacles. the higher you climb, the more people will try to pose as a difficulty for you. You have to get over all these human obstacles, otherwise whatever you've worked for will come to waste, just continue doing your best, put in your best efforts"

very wow-ing effect. arhahar. when he said that. i melted* i teared in the later part. arhahar. whereby she fainted in the locked up room. he was cool. she was sweet. awWw.

arhahar. wooow. its sweet. arhahar. just thought what Ji Hin Hee said was soOo true =) arhahar. awesome. how sweet =) nitey peeps.

boo. finally have a chance to sit down and blog or something. arhhar. sitting down and loading up the pictures that i've been wanting to do. since the time i was working at the expo when i got the card reader. arhhar. was the time i wanted to put the pictures up but haven't had the chance to. but now since i have the chance. whahaar. and the mood to =) [mummy's peeping at what i am blogging =)] *bleah.

so here's what i've taken over the weeks or rather, months. from various places. this is one of my favourites. they're all taken over my phone's camera so yeah. quality wouldn't be that sharp. but its one of those spur of the moment things. i don't bring that digital camera out lar. i haven't been using it for some time except for my phones =)



cute baby at IKEA ahrahar. he's in the children's department. arhhar. advertising for children's safety. so yeap those play fences kind of areas =)

more pictures =)

Arhahar. the seat which "cute guy" on the mrt sat. haven't seen him lately but awWw/ he's cute! and pictures of skies that i took. lovely.

ok. enough about skies. my favouritee car. arhaar. the mini cooper. fast. small. agile but expensive lar. red one is taken at lavender. arhahar. near Jojo omma's work place. after meeting her. i chanced upon the red beetle =) Green one is over at Little India near church =)


and pictures of the people around me. dat's my mum =)

The last song that i liked last time when i was young. i knew i didn't like it. it sounded boring. but i just had the feeling of hearing it now. it goes.

"would you know my name
did i saw you in heaven
will you really sing
if i saw you in heaven

I must be strong and carry on. cause i know i'm going home. here in heaven

would you hold my hand. if i saw you in heaven
would you help me stand. if i saw you in heaven

i'll find my way. through night and day. cause i know. i just can stay here in heaven.

well, that's all by hearing ahrhar. if i didn't get the lyrics. but now that I grew up to understand the song, yes it is a beautiful song. i like the part where it asks me to be strong. ahrhaar. i'm seriously tired. its sooooo trying at work. arhhar. know why? cause i'm turning transparent. i seem invisible. ppl don't look me up to do small tasks or run errands anymore cause there ain't trust anymore in me =) i was busy last few weeks, but i suppose i didn't do a really good job with my carelessness floating and lurking somewhere around. oh wells. i try to get along with the days at work. times, with "pregnant lady" around kind of adds stresses up there. but aiyo. trying to pray for God's grace and mercy all day long to be with me. every morning before i wake up. its all i ask for. on top of wisdom. arhaar. apparently i think i don't appear smart at work. oh wells. i don't play pleasing game at work. arhhar. just trying to live my days till the end. trying to please ppl, is not on my agenda.

yes, i know my compatriot is way much better than me in many terms, yes. the world is cruel. they make me seem oblivious to their surroundings. ahhaar. i'm trying to get immuned to that too. do whatever i can. oh well. i don't bear any sour feelings anywhere with my compatriot cause i know she's better =) just complaining! oh wells.

times i really wished i drew myself into something i really enjoyed. instead of being greedy. yes the 5 day work week definitely sounds nice. but wouldn't it make sense to work 5.5 days and do something you like and not dread bout it. wish i was doing websites. imaging. anything. anything except asking me to draw data from one side to the other side. cause i probably sucked in that. i lost confidence in dat as much as the people in the office lost their confidence =) its hard finding a place to learn where there's place and space for you to err. in a fast past company, i was soo soo wrong to learn on that part. thanks to myself being a slow learner too i suppose. i just ain't got an affinity with numbers? and for goodness sake. it was my first time on full scale excel. i never liked the idea of it cause it always looks confusing to my eyes, i didn't bother to dwell deeper in it. i learnt it full scale whilst doing my job assigned. on top of what mr phuatt taught, it was hands on all on my own. but i think no one appreciated that part.

for all i tell myself. what i'm getting out of this is being somewhat much better than what i used to be at excel. developments round the regions. emerging markets and information. i just hope whatever will just be enough to not earn myself an F.

times i regretted myself. why didn't i follow what my heart was. why didn't i have more confidence in myself and choose something i really liked doing? even if it was learning, it was my own free will. encore. its the way for me to learn i guess. times i thought how stupid could i be, for getting myself in today's mess. life's messed up in a way, cause i no longer get the motivation to do the things that i love doing. like blogging. my guitar. watching my favourite dramas. i just sleep what i love doing. its weird. its pretty unlike me. but trust me. i'll find that self of me once this dreading 16 weeks is over. arhhar. yes i'm not good enough for them. so what's the whole fuss about it i wonder. in a world like dat, no one understands fully, what patience. time is.

Jie jie tells me to work on and stay on at IBM if i can. arhhaar. I violently object that. i wouldn't mind starting from the bottom else where doing something i rather love doin. honestly, not interacting with people isn't something on my list with just the computer all day long. people who understands me probably get what i mean. God will deliver me from this. arhahar. its what i cling on to. in addition to my dear mom. she's so sweet. she called me the moment i went. "die lar. make so many errors" she knows me darn well ok. she told me "aiya. dont think too much. u new mar. first time make errors mar" arhahar. oh well. i think she's really sweet these few weeks. hearing me. waking me up after sleeping by here side to get into my room. listen to me talk and adding soups to dinners to cheer me up. brew me coffee. to stay awake at nite to finish my work.

and with all the nose bleeding episodes, i get work done. i don't drool mucus ok. i drip blood everyday i gotten used to it. i think i did work prob as best as i can i think. no regrets. its what i can do for you. that's all. nothing more nothing less. thank God for people like mummy. cherise. ashley and KY. and to all around. thanks for making my day. in your each various ways. they all touch me. no matter how small the acts are =)

Its been a tiring weekend. since labour day. i thought i initially had a good rest but it wasn't till something had to happen last night. i had to wake the person involved in the middle of the nite which i couldn't care anymore and give that person a piece of my mind. i don't mean to be crude but i had to do it for any delays would have caused something adverse. i knew something like dat was gonna happen but yeap. wad was said to me was something that kind of took me by suprise. i'll just play a low profile for now.

its tuesday already. 12 more weeks of the attachment to go. work load is piling up but i hope i'll manage and its pretty monotonous. *sigh. staying at a spot and just working on one thing is not what i really want to do. but oh well.

having loads of feelings right now. trying to express them one by one and if only it was that simple. but just that it all crumbles all together like a snow ball effect, its hard. its been trying these few weeks i'll say. i thought i'll carry on doing what i initially planned after getting my new electric and learn more of it during my free time but apparently it isn't been happening cause life has been full of happenings one after another. from the nuisance caller who intends to say he wants to play a game with me, to more and more around me. arharhar. good thing i've yet been on the brink of breaking down yet. still able to carry these things around me as i go around. i haven't been reading the things that are on my 2 beloved's boards.

cause ironically, all i wanna do when i get home is sit down and just stare blankly into the teevee. just sit down and stare at something after a days' of work. yes, probably i do not want to spend time any more, reading. leaving notes behind. i'm reallie sorrie arhahar. for leaving the boards behind but i'm reading what is going on, but not been leaving my comments on them for a coming month. i hope i'll be back in full swing sometime soon. when all of these is over. i am soOo caught unaware. like a thief in the middle of the nite. it all happened at the same time. and the matters that kind of are happening around me revolve round the same thing. i gotta get out of this before this drives my joy somewhere else.

one thing at a time. arhahar. my best buddiez out there. miss ashley, wee zhun and Kim Yee all know bout this. but the best part was allowing my cousin's mom to know a part of what was wrong with me. she did realise i wasn't quite myself cause she realised i've been dropping flat the moment after church at her place, which wasn't quite me. and it didn't take alot to wake me up, all she needed to do was to call my name once and i'll wake up. i told her everything. everything. and wow. she was soOo open about matters there wasn't anything i hid from her. she said it was good thing i told it to her least she knew the situation i was in and could do what she can to help me. she said it was unbelivable that such a thing would be happening, oh well. and i explain the reason why i behave the way i do. =) i felt soOo understood at last. least there was one person out there who knew me the way i was.

i don't know when i'll walk out of this tiredness but i hope it is soon. i want the old self back. i want to smile like there was no tomorrow. arhahar. its been a long time since i gave one hearty smile. with all these happening, arhahar. i hardly been taking pictures of the things around me. no extra thoughts to pay attention that would usually take my attention away but my mind is thinking bout other things that has taken a different priority in my mind. that's why if u realise i'm quieter than usual, i'm thinking alot. and all i do after that is slp arhahar. dat's life for me now.

took a little break today, apart from spending my weekends with my beloveds. ash + weezhun thank you soOo soOo much for the time. since last night. we're stuck in this together i suppose and we'll get this out together. to the person who wonders why the name isn't there. i don't wanna mention anthing bout it anymore. but please do reflect on what ya donig now. its killing the 3 of us. not just me alone. with all due respect, do something for yourself. don't lose something you have been working soOo hard for, and just throw it all like dat. it isn't worth it. every ounce of energy, i've left i'm dealing with it whatever remainders it is to face what i have to face it everyday and on top. hey. i don't pull a long face just cause i have troubles. we all do. and that doesn't mean you push yourself to a corner now. stand up and face it. changing into someone else ain't gonna make u face the problem straight.

calvin's birthday today. i didn't remember it, cause i hardly remember dates. but i can guess it from the way u asked it. chatted and only found to realise that he found himself in a simliar situation as we were way long time ago, how it was having a sticky partner. we all have moved on. continue moving on =) you'll find what you're looking for. don't bother joining the queue behind cause it gets no where.

the onli source of comfort today apart from work was to see someone who least made me feel sane. that after all that has been happening, makes me share some things that i hope of doing. and cheers and tells you "why not?" the only thing that keeps us going when the going gets rough is cheering each other own as a sign of encouragement in each other's pursuit of what we want.

"I wanna take my license and drive on to europe in an armoured SUV". -me
*smiles* "why not? it is possible. but why europe?
"cause i haven't been there or smelt the air there".
"go ahead and try =)"

"I'm wanna fly. imagine flying at altitudes high or low. in a plane of 6 people, lets say, fly somewhere to Cebu. or somewhere neear, land and come back again".
"why not? it might just come true" - You.

thank you for the dinner after work as part of my birthday treat. its funny trying to settle down into a place for dinner. and as usual, its always the ambience we are both looking for rather than the food. delifrance bistro at suntec [suntec is full of memories for me]. ate, chatted. laughed. finshed our food and we chatted. and chatted. hardly was anyone around but we just had a good chat. it was getting cold. i was shivering. arhhar. with a jacket underneath the table trying to keep warm. and soon enough it's him shivering. arhhar. but hecks. who bothered when all we wanted was share opinions and laugh and encourage each other into what each other wanna do.

probably it wasn't as strong a feeling anymore. i got over the fact that i know it was never meant to be together. just like a pair of parallel lines that was never meant to meet. along the way, down the line. it was never gonna meet. only seeing each other from each other, cheer each other along in what to me. you've got everything planned out already. go for it man. it might just happen and when that happens. i'll take a pic of u in ur uniform ahrhaar. have some tea and a good old chat. wow.

can't imagine on the fact how sweet he was to his mom. bless you and the whole family. i felt the joy there. the joy of his fun he had when he was there. remembering the fact that i still have 3 months more to the end of the attachment and as i count down mine. he counts down his. arhahar. cheering each other on. the line is near. we can do it =) i felt bad for not dressing up for today, reallie sorrie. arhahar. as i apologised that i would be in my button up shirt if i knew i was going out. cause in the morning, i'm not in the mood to reallie pick something good from the cupboard. but he's fine with it. arhhaar. so oh well.

finding a song to smoothen the vexing feeling inside of me. but no worries, i'll find a way out of this. deliverance will come. *strength+grace+mercy* to me. ahrhar. and to Colin, praying he'll be in good hands and yes. no scar. scar free in the eye surgery and to Pastor Keith, get well soon. Yes. Broken ligaments cannot be mended. to be remembered in my prayers.

i'm falling asleep. arhahar. i thought i was gonna be really late for work but thankfully managed to be alrite. still recuperating from yesterday's dinner celebrations. from the crazy hide and seek i was playing with the people who came on to the sitting down and eating that super pepper-ish seafood pasta to eating my first ice cream cake. arharhra. i'm still waiting for a day for someone to get me a tirimisu cake. arhrahahar. lalallaa. *grins.

all in all, i just wanna thank each and everyone of you who were present at Swensen and for those who wrote cards, i'm touched by the words that is in there which includes Mr Lee's arhhraar. [hey. ya gonna be a very good investment in time to come] and to Ash + Kim Yee for pulling off your planning stint. arhharhar. to my secondary skool buddiez Jin Hui + Janna + Ling Li + Hwee Boon for all your gifts. arhahar. to Jayson for your voodoo cutie doll. [its dangling on my phone already, which i don't see what's so difficult in opening the hook with your bare hands. you gotta have skill!]

thank God i wasn't sabo-ed. I was honestly wondering if any of them were gonna get a guitar and ask me to sing there. THANK goodness ahrhra. it didn't happen. moral of the story, get a few song lyrics and chords in your head!! whahaar. I'm soOo bored, i'm bloogging in the office. i'll probably end up doing the e-journal soon too.

to wai yin thank you for the card you made. its really cute and the words. arhahra. yeah. its funny!! and to Jojo omma heading to Hong Kong, arhhar. enjoy yourself over there and yes. God take care of you over there. To Agnes thank you for your morning call and wishes. arhhar. that's the first one i received over the phone. to my Mom ahrhara. thank you for your baggie. i finally have a decent looking bag to go with my formal wear. arahrara.

and to all. who sent your wishes. thank you[s]sss arhhar. yes. it feels blessed when someone comes around and tell me that i've made a difference somehow, some way or another in your life.

well, and the ultimate which went "behind the smiles and laughters, lies a girl with many problems i face alone". ahrhra. correction, i was never alone =) the joyfulness comes from the one up there. who looks after me and to all the people placed around me. ahrhra. its the process how i got past or overcame each one of them that makes me who i am today, ahahara. and to share my living testimony to the rest =) lurve ya all. yes. blessed do i feel today and its all thanks to each one of you who made it. thank you =)

i saw the cute dude again. On my first day of attachment whereby i sat opposite of him. whilst i saw him today. he sat just right beside me on my favourite side. on my left. arhhaar.
and i just saw him today again. Coincidentally be it, or maybe it was meant to be. ahrhaar. couldn't help it man.

He's awesome looking. araaahar. and he has a "band" on his 4th finger on his right hand. ahrhraar. Yeap, he's a married man, in
his late 30s probably 40 at most.

hmm, i can't help not noticing him. arhhaar. the aura that he brings about. everything about him seems sweet. arhahar. darn!! well. dat's all cause the way he packages himself. awesome thick framed glasses. its dark brown in colour [pretty old skool]
but it suits his face. i like the way he styles up his hair. its not the funky young lads you see all around you. its just a little undone, bit messed up but just the right amount. he grew a little moustache around his chin area but arhahar. of course its well kept again. hence, he's got this really "man" factor on there. duh.. I can't help but he reminds me of a Ji-Jin Hee kind of guy. arhrahra. the smart intelligent sort, but smart and having a character of their own. arhahra.

sheesh. i haven't felt the way i did on the train for the longest period of time. arhrahar. looking on someone and then smiling and blushing all over. arhahar. it feels darn young. arhrahar. my observation shows:

- he carries a formal looking backpack alright. i don't know how many guys out there actually still do. its like the rare breeds
already, cause everyone is into sling bags or into hand carry briefcases
- he carries an ipod nano. arhahar. covered in yellow silicon casing
- he sits really cutely. arhrahar. as in he has his hands tucked well underneath his legs soOo dat people on his left and right
will have more than ample space to sit comfortably.
- he wears a tie to work everyday. i didn't remember or rather. didn't notice really if he had the knot tied or he tied it up himself.
if i ain't wrong, he tied the tie himself. awWw. many guys can't do that now. ahahar. ambarassing!! arhahar.

all in all, it was just soOo pleasing being able to see him again. arhhra. i wouldn't mind seeing him everyday to work. arhhrara. he keeps me smiling to work. and its definitely pleasing because today's friday and the end of the week is fast approaching. =)
which means the weekends are coming up. oh man. i haven't been looking forwards weekends for the longest periods of time because for all the previous weeks were holidays and it didn't give me a reason to look forwards weekends.. arhahra. but now i
do. the last time was me looking forwards my off days whilst i was working over at the expo. arharhar. well, now that the offices are stil near to the expo. arhahar. its fun =)

lunch was horrid. i mean yes its kim chi soup and rice but it turns out wayy too sour + spicy. arhrahar. loussy.. humphs* its ok. arharhr. packet of guava and oatmeal raisins cookies to cheer me up. arhahra.

since i don't have any work to do for the moment, i am tired of overturning google everyday. arharhra. been doing a lot of reading and its like really annoying at times to search for the information that the bosses want. and you try as you might to produce the information that they want. surfing the entire day arhharhar.
well good in a way if you don't crack your brain to do reports YET. arhrahra. its in capital letters to make my point known that anything can happen in a time like this. wharhhaar. but anyways, its ok. i'm just like lassie. waiting for the clock to tick 5+ nearing 6 and then flee this place. arhahrar. sitting down whole day can be annoying with just my dear earphones plugged into my ears to provide me with music whilst i do my search and have www.radioblogclub.com playing. search for the song and just let the songs load randomly and get to know more english music. arhharhar. i've been listening to it alot more now arhhara. but the cool part is having non stop flow of milo from the vending machine. i like it. it companies me and keeps me awake. what will i do without this milo vending machine. i lurveee you.. ahrhar.
well the music i'm listening to are NOT the bimbotic kind lar. the gurls go "cool girls go round the outside".. or those that sings "i'll take you to the candyshop". those kind that really annoys me. arhhar. more band-ish music. arhharar. yeah. chinese music's pretty qiuet and korean's music soOo much into the american kind whereby its all like bimbotic.
using notepad here to type and then copy and paste what i wrote onto blogger. come on. strike 6 will ya arhahra. i'm sleepy in this nice cold environment in the office. =)
ouh and have i said? i splurged on an electric guitar. ahahar. some noob pack for starters. arhhara. trying to learn to play new things i suppose and i hope it gets somewhere. hopefully. ahhar. its fun cause its soOo distinct. and you can play around like adding distortions to it. nice huh? but don't worry, i won't dumb the wood guitar somewhere. its just different for the two guitars that's all. =)
and weirddd things have been happening to me. update more if i have the time. wait ppl blow my cover. ahrhaarar. sheesh. i am soOo not gonna work in an office next time lar. i can't stand 9-6 jobs. its monotonous. gimme a life man. puh-leasee. ahhaar. i kind of appreciate studying now!! arhhaar. i want skool. skool. skoo. can have all the time in the world and the best part is being able to stay up really late at nite and watch dramas. play my guitar. do all the things you ever want to cramp it up in your nite just before you head to bed. now how's that? i don't get to do it very often now cause i tend to do only one of the above things and head off to bed. well. that's my life for now. on WEEKDAYS only. i'm soOo gonna appreciate my weekends now. wharharhar. sheesh. lurve ya peeps!

apparently i haven't been blogging. but i'm using notepad to leave my thoughts behind for the moment.

i slept for 9 hours last night. amazingly didn't come online. but it was a good sleep.the office here lacks milo. arhahaar. its out.

and i ran up with Lavonne after visiting oursuperviser for the work of the day. its excel. arhahar. nice. we each grabbed a cup of miloand another person asked "there's no drinks on ur floor?"

"there is. milo ran out". arhhaar. we're gonna die without milo. arhhaar. ok workey time.i do hope i get the chance to post the pictures that i've been wanting to do so. but the last time was that i got dc and the post didn't mananged to publish. *sigh* wireless isn't that good all the time.

*waves waves* =) [i realise that as time goes by, the amounts of harhar i have and smileys apparently seems to be decreasing] arharhar. but oh well. i'm back. hmmm. been trying to sit down here and blog but haven't been in the mood to just sit down quietly. and write. what am i feeling.

well, i'm fine well, least is that i'm better now as compared to what i was during the beginning of the week. [i never expected things to head on to a completely new direction once i ended work]. probably i'm moving on because my minds partially fixed on what is going to happen next. April's coming up and its attachment soon. well, it is a tad worrying on a fact that vacancies have dipped and erm. arhahar. it will be nicer to be working and the least earn something home but erm. i doubt that is the case and there's a case of uncertainty there for me. kind of regretting on the fact that WHAT IF [its not a nice word!]. arhahar. i put in more effort in the resume or the least, took the trouble to select the attachment that said. "with interview". but oh well. its for not taking a look at the smaller details. i didn't consider much about like "erm. how's the company going to hire someone without looking at the person".

it is ironic in a way because on the many interviews you have went on your own, and you fail at your own this time. arhahar. because you jolly well know the procedures but kind of blew things away? it's funny. sometimes maybe i'm the joke. arhhaar. oh well. you just keep waiting for time to unveal to tell you the "good news". arhhar. [quote and unquotes can be pretty sarcastic!] arhahar. lol.

anyways, thank yous to internet mommy. ashley. rae. janz. jayson. emily and to all of you lend me your hand and ears. your comments your concern. heh. feels loved definitely. moving on. ahahar. in progress. tomorrow will be a better day.

hmm. i've been trying these couple of nights to try to get the pictures i took from my mobile up but ahrahar. just been reading and spending time on the forums once again and heading to bed. but today's little incident made me and reminded me. to tell me. "hey joyce, have a little more faith will you?" it struck me.

I was heading to church and yes. i'm down for projectionist which means = you have to be in church at 825am." you have to be early because.. you have to label the pages of the songs. so you don't cause a mess up. arhhar. i was outside my house at 750am. it supposedly takes 35-40 mins usually that is if one do not rush. i was nearly on the verge to just hail and take the cab as a confirmation to be punctual. arhahar. but my pockets pretty dry over the week of activities. arhahar. i wanted to keep expenditure low. i allowed my heart to race faster. it was nearly 800am the clock went. i walk away from the bus stop to prepare to hail the cab but there ain't any. i was put into this decision when 3 buses to harborfront were coming in front of me. but no sight of a cab. guess what i did?

i walked back to the bus stop and take the bus up. coming 810am. harborfront mrt. 820 little india mrt. but it was all timely. because i alighted the bus and walked down to the train station and the train left afew minutes later. 825am. covenant presbyterian church. said my hellos. rushed to the laptop. the pen was already in my pocket. doodle doodle the numbers. 835-840am. service started. its a little incident but it just told me. "joyce have more faith". the moment when it seems like its impossible to reach in 25 minutes to church, you're going to be late. makes it tempting to rush a cab down but it just told me. "yes joyce, you said you set your mind on taking the bus + the train today". time passes. "why have you changed your mind".. though in my heart i went. "oh please please. not late today please. come on. please please please". it just reminded me. there's nothing God can't do for you what He can do for you in a day. if only you believe.

i apologised to Him for the lack of faith. arhahar. but amen for allowing me to keep my expenditure for the week low arhhaar. and for showing me i'm still watching after you. cried once again attending the 2nd worship session, purely singing. "how great is our God". how the congregation and everyone lift up their voices. you literally heard the church sing. i heard myself singing too. you can't deny the presence of the God and the holy spirit in each one of you stirring your hearts.

i hope i get my patience and calmness back. its not really on a high these couple of days. because i get really irritated if i'm asked to repeat myself. arhhar. oh well. but I read the book of Hebrews today whilst waiting for my younger cousin, caroline and my aunt and mummy to return from their lunch feast. it is an encouraging book that's all i can say. keeps me wanting to read more ever since today's speakers just said Heb 9. i started reading the whole chapter to the after chapters. not as boring as.. arhhar. deuteronomy. =p

alrighty. i think i shall head in earlier arhahar. don't ask me why. but i have this love for my bed recently. just feel like sleeping more. resting more. but i'll shall have to get up earlier to prepare my birthday gift for jojo omma. arhahar. =) i've got this idea in me but ahrhar. still skeptical whether i should do it. but oh well. =) and thank you to Khim + Wai Yin for yesterday. for the JDG fans went on a typhoon premeire at Marina Square. i went along with Khim getting the tickets. but didn't tell me the price to pay her back cause she said "you still sutdent lar. its ok" arhahar. makes me laugh because its just the way that people like her and around me goes, its ok lar. arhahar. how much i used to mind last time, ahrahar. learns to say okok. *shrugs. there'll be a time i'll repay them all? heh. all i say tonight before.. thank youuss =) God bless ya all..

[i'm starting to feeel my blog getting more spiritual] arhhaar. ps. emily, he ain't chinese arhahahar. sorry bout that one. arhahar. in my blog being more spiritual. arhaar. its just a deeper reflection i suppose. =p

Luv Ah Joy,
its 1am. time to sleep.

You're Inhuman That's what I am crying out now. A feeling that only I have and I think its how I feel now so badly about. Something I thought by sharing with someone would have made me feel better. It will make mom understand but she comprehends not a single thing. Something I can't share with most people cause either many are deeply in love or simply haven't had the chance to feel the way i do. whilst the simplest reasons is to just ignore everything and just carry out a relationship with him but things aren't the way it is.

Something I share whereby all my mom tells me is "Aiyah. There's so many guys out there". "Aiyo. Concentrate on your studies first lah". Haven't I already been doing so? Haven't I always been trying my best to achieve what she wants me to do. Put my heart and soul when it seems increasingly hard at times. whereby I'm only human and i do need encouragement at times. Can't you say something more then just these 2 mere sentences. I say, you're inhuman and leaves the room. Leave me alone.

I'm crying cause I've fallen for someone whom I know I can't be with. Cause i'm not allowed to. For what I believe in. To stop the cycle of my kids [if i do have any] of taking the route that i take now. For its not easy being the only christian in the family and its freaking trying alrite. when the temptations of just simply following the world seems so strong and denouncing your faith seems as such a simpler and easier path to take. Isn't it sensible to just leave what you believe in when it simply gets too trying? Just give it all up?

I chose the hard way. and WHY in the freaking world do I do that? For the 100% love of myself? well, hell no. Its for the freaking sake of every single one of you in this family. That we'll be the least together in heaven [even if we are not on earth]. Singing praises + songs of God. Telling others of God's wonderous love. Tell them that God loves them and that we love Him.

What mom told did and told me was totally inhuman. [I times wonder how cruel could she be with her words] When you're talking and all that matters to her is her all so important 9 o'clock drama? Forget it.

When was she really there when things / issues I needed to tell someone with. The only comforting things she did was saying some words when i dumped a guy. I don't understand you + You don't understand me.

I sobbed. I cried. I stuttered. FOR WHAT? Telling me i'm emotional. You're soOo strong. am i not human in your eyes? Can't I fall for someone? Think of it man? Didn't Jie Jie met Kenneth during this age. Haven't your son fell for someone at an age like that? am i sinning in falling for someone? God no. If you only knew the pain of falling for someone but you know you can't be with. DO you know for God's sake. Heavens. no. you don't. When the only pillar in the house and that is holding this family in tact is you. When I turn to you, for you are the only one i can relate to. You told me those words. Why thank you. But its not working.

I freaking cried. I broke down. I couldn't take it anymore, when what i saw in the guy that i wanted to be with was standing right in front of me. hmm. he's ok looking. arhahar. he had his hair styled today. he's soOo full of learning points. when we always go. "hey u look different today with short hair" he told me. when he takes note of small details and remembers things when you say once. hmm. for being soOo ever thoughtful. we went out for lunch at coffee club. its got yummy iced latte i tell you. he drank that. i follow lor =) when he arranged the meeting at a time and place he picked. i followed. when i woke up at 12am and found his sms that i was to meet him at 1pm at orchard. arhhar. when i told him i'll be late and yes i was darn late for overshooting the train first at dhoby ghaut and missing another train again from dhoby ghaut to orchard. when he said. "take ur time don't need rush abit". when the last time he did was to bring about an empty plate when we had seafood spagettheti. we talked and talked as usual. he likes astrology. and HEALING crystals making me laugh it loud and he went. I noe you strong christian. arhahar. lol. walk walk until in kinokuniya whreby we flipped books about everything. he talks about repainting his toilet to baby green which i thought light light green was an awesome color for the calming effect it had. where we looked out of the window and it was dark. i went. "hey its going to rain. ouh oh". He went. "aiyo. its night already. its 730pm" arhahar. when i realised. omigosh. i was shocked how much time had flied with him. that i actually wanted to be home for dinner with mummy. and made my way home but grabbing tako pachi for mama cause she said she wanted. i asked if he was dining in or out for dinner he said dunno as usual. but at the end grabbed this sausage prata. arhhar. with 5 mini sausages. asked me what i wanted. i said i no plans to eat but could company him to eat. he don't want. arhhar. then guess what he did. he took actually 2 toothpicks for the mini sausages. he offered me. "nah. come come eat". Me said. "I don't want.. full lar". He went "But I took 2 toothpicks you know for you" arhahar. I couldn't say no anymore lar. soOo thoughtful soOo i say thank you and "ok lar. i eat 1 u eat 4!" arhhar. soOo funny. but when parting and saying goodbye. I can't help not realising how attentive this guy is. when my mp3 player played James Blunt's You're Beautiful. "life is beautiful" was the first line. the last line goes. "but its time to face the truth. i will never be with you" i just teaared. then teared more while i crossed the road and walk that path home. then went to sent the tako pachi and just broke down in my room. i haven't realised that i had feelings for him. arhahar. worst is to realise that i actually do like him. maybe its love. most slightly it is the latter.

He had what i wanted. Many issues i held we shared. we discussed, there was nothing we couldn't have agreed more upon. talking them out makes sense. when we encouraged each other on during exams. which he did when i wasn't really keen on starting. i pushed when i doubted my own ability in completing the subjects when the odds seems to be stacking on me i felt. when my course grade for your information was mostly a mere C. I wasn't in the least of right mood to put in any more effort for your information but i had to get on with it. cause i feel in your eyes. a degree is what the least you want out of me. I wanted to give it all up and just scape past this semester. but i just did my best. I scream to God every single time before I start my revision. every single time i start my paper. I say a little prayer for everyone who's doing the same thing as i am. preparing to flip the paper and uncap your blue / black pen and start writing. whatever you studied. to perform and write all of them out on that piece of paper within that 1-2 hour. God was gracious enough cause i got a B for most of them. It was never my own effort. I couldn't have done it on my own. If not for the God i'm holding on to so ever hardly, i tell you.

I wouldn't be standing today where I am. I wouldn't have got so far. I would have been one of those brats you see out in those streets smoking my ass off. Running as far as i could away from home. doing the things that would have been deemed as exciting. i would have been into stealing. i would have become a thorn in your flesh. someone who none of you could have imagine me in. somone you wished you didn't bore. who could have understood the difficulties i was facing most of the time by myself before Indri came into my life. I almost went that way. I saw myself almost heading that way but God reminded me.

But God was gracious. He always put someone in my life along the way that kept me sane. Have you ever wondered why was i never home once schools ended. whether it is in primary school or in secondary school? I tell you why. I never wanted to be home which constantly kept me remembered of what it is at home. the pressure it is for me to keep up with my studies which i had little interest in. Nothing motivated me in school seriously, not studies. not the competition in class to be in the top 10-20 in class. not the fame that it would have been but when i was young. all i wanted was to simply please your expectations. i hated maths. cause you always wanted me to do things your way. ever wondered why i always did maths the exact opposite. i never wanted to understand the question. i never wanted to do them cause i never liked things that were supposed to be the way they were. i never studied chinese cause i never feel i wanted to learn in cause there was no one out there at home which i could have conversed in. i never wanted to do anything cause i like defying you many a times cause you never understood me i guess. i always love to be understood by ppl.

God placed my primary school mentor teacher miss bala in my life. its for her that i think she saw through me. she groomed me, i loved hanging around in school after school, hoping that she had something to be done and she would have to get help from the students which i was always the first one to raise my hands up and help. primary 5-6 i guess was when i started to become the person i am today. helping around in school till there was nothing left to do, then i went home. have dinner with you. do my homework as any student did. wash up. watch some teevee. head to bed. life was like that thoughout my whole 10 years in school. i did my homework cause i knew you hated failure and i didn't like to be in the bottom of the class. i studied so as not to be in the last in class.

Miss Bala taught some life lessons and some lessons which touches me most of the time. One who love encouraging students and i guess that was why i loved her lots. i studied cause she aroused me to work hard. she bothered why i could always do well in everything except chinese and maths which i had little faith. but she always told me "i believe in you" that was why in the final PSLE there was an A in the chinese and a B in my maths. I knew how to be sensible for everything you liked was what i pressumed as right. everything that you didn't like was pressumed to be wrong. i guess i wanted to please you soOo much soOo just to get your attention. Wondered what it was for you to hug me when i did well or something. The only reason why I became prefect in primary school was because the school principal liked me. Mr Fong. He saw me since primary one. You walked me to school only on tests dates and after that. it was all on my own. Till primary 3, when it was the nomination of school prefects, i think my name wasn't on the list [cause my form teacher was a maths teacher and i did badly in it]. Mr Chan the discipline master went around reading the names and saw the students outside class to tell them of the class, i wasn't in that batch to head out. Mr Fong came by and i don't know. I guess he told Mr Chan to add my name to the list. If my observation wasn't wrong. I knew i couldn't have make it onto that list cause my studies wasn't the best and as prefects, your grades had to be of some standard.

somehow i made it. i told myself constantly that i had to pass every subject. so as not to let Mr Fong down for his belief in me. Remembered how you went watching this movie about goose flying and i didn't want to. You gave me some money to hang around in the arcade. God knows, i spent them all and was really bored. i waited outside the arcade as i was told. Mr Fong came by, suprised to see me there of course. Asked me what was i doing outside the arcade and offered me money to play more games. i said no cause i know its not nice. he told me to be good and wait for you at the same place. Around primary 4, Mr Fong had somehow had a fall and had to move around in clutches and he wasn't the cheerful man i remembered but most of the time, he would stand outside the school gate, and ensured every single student went home after the flag lowering ceremony.

I rose up to the ranks i suppose, for doing my duties as a prefect dilligently and for doing so-so in my studies. but Miss Bala maximised my potential. constantly seeking the best for the students and wanting the best out of every student. she scolded me when i shirked responsibility in carrying out some simple duties like collecting excursion forms / money for assessment exercises cause i got tired of this pleasing everyone game. but she pushed me. continue volunteering all the time. do well in the things. she taught me responsiblity. taught me how to lead. how to make people follow you and in turn earn the respect from your peers. taught us how important it was to have a ECA. which i liked music somehow back then. actually what miss bala taught was more than enough to prepare me for my next face of life. which was secondary school. how miss bala showed her appreciation when you did well or when you helped out in school events [i was almost down for every single event every year since primary 3] she rewarded when one did well and i followed on and learnt what she taught.

I was close to turning bad cause i was hanging out with guys most of the time. and at that time happened to hang out with one person who actually stole something from a shop. it was a police report case and miss bala was involved. miss bala wanted to know who was actually hanging out with that bunch so cleverly asked "did anyone saw abel stealing.." i waited till after school to approach her and then told her i did. which makes sense that i was mixing with that bunch and abel's friends. i was freaked cause i didn't want to get involved [after an incident in school about some borrowing money incident that earned me a slap outside class from you] i never wanted to had any trouble in school after that slap i earned. she told me to stay away and ever since then. watched who i was hanging out with.

Practiced the same theory in secondary school, wasn't the most keen on being a councellor once again but i think it was cause of my record in my primary school as a deputy head, i rose up again in secondary 2. just trying to do my best in school. every year i walk by. every single year i thank God how He just placed 1-2 people at a significant part of my life while i grew up to ensure i grew up in the right way. Indri [my previous maid] grew me in my faith. asking me if i prayed to a God, but just told me to keep praying and give thanks to God. asked me if I did quiet time. and asked me if i start going to church. she encouraged me to. that if i miss one sunday, it would have been an "otang". She taught me many lessons in life once again. helped me in my secondary 1-2 maths. which i never like. but arhahar. somehow did well cause i was taught by a great teacher. i grew close to her cause you were never home on saturdays. she taught me how to cook. how to least fend off for myself if it is that i stayed alone that i don't get hungry.

that's how i came about my faith which stands today cause every single year i pass in my life, i look back and piece together the pieces at how much i was looked after and cared by an unknown being which existed in my life ever since i was young. for i loved talking to myself. and times just talked. i called out to that someone to pass my exams to get me through so that i did not need to face the beatings or the cold treatment i got from you if i failed my maths or my chinese. it worked that's why i continued talking to this unknown being. till later when i related it to Indri when she told me and revealed who this person was a God that i was seeking to. That you got indonesian maid after a certain period of time before indri came was that for me to learn the language of indonesian. to communicate with Indri. see how every single thing seems to fall into place?

That if you were to see it, that indonesia seems to be struck with quite a lot of turmoils that when tsunami came. i was strucked to see what happened. compassioned and in turn wanted to head over as a volunteer to help out as i can. for i believe that in times when you are in the lowest point of your life, when there seems to be no one out there who can least lend a comforting hand to you. when it seems that life has no more reasons of living. [i thought of suicide or running away from home really often when i was young to escape the beatings i expect to get when my grades wasn't of your expectactions]. I believe God could least do something in people's life. For God did just that onto me. When I had no one to turn to before indri came. that when i seemed to be like no one's child. as though no one bothered my existence. i was always brought to sense by people like Miss Bala who made me like school and give me a reason for a tomorrow. Never did i know i learn how to take initative, a lesson that was an awesome one till today. she always praised like "see how initative Joyce is" and i'll feel good deep down to know what it is doing good.

Its not till God granted me to head to Cebu for the mission trip do i see how actually the world is. yes, i've heard of the poor seen of the poor but have you felt and seen with your heart and eyes what it is. it compelled me to do missions which has been somehow been in my head ever since cause by God i believed He made you say yes when just before i was preparing for the trip to cebu, lassie's leg was fractured. and you had to have a hole in your pocket paying $600 bucks for the surgery. [Dogs cannot come to any harm in the house. cause you'll be blamed terribly. i was somehow responsible for the loss of the 1st lassie at home and was ostracised constantly by every member in the family cause its just human nature to blame the next related person. but aiyo. i was just a kid, and me too loved dogs ok. it was just that i trusted auntie to much i let go off my doggie when she said it'll be fine leaving lassie at a corner] You was soOo distraught about Lassie the second's leg fracture, i think you were going to say no to be leaving for Cebu. cause of the money you're gonna be coming out for both the trip and lassie.

Thank God He provided. that i managed to find a job and work for some time to pay some of the majority of the trip. That i still owe you $600 bucks till today which i'm working now at the expo to pay it off. and the rest from my coming attachment. somehow it all seems to fall into place i think. i think i might head off for another mission trip but don't know where to. is it back to cebu or is it to indonesia or is it to korea. korea's on the list not cause i like korean stars and want to head there. but i doubt it is by chance that i have an interest for things cause why wouldn't i have an interest in the taiwan / hollywood / japan entertainment media. i don't know arhahar. but what ever it is, i believe time will reveal everything.

I don't just do the things i do, and make the choice of standing so firm in the things that i believe in for your information. when it makes sense to just follow the world when the wrong seems right and the right seems wrong. it would have been so much easier wouldn't it have been? but this thing inside of me will always prompt me "joyce. do it". or "joyce! NO!" that it'll teach me how to cry. how to cry when i'm sad. how to cry when i sing praise or worship songs when some lyrics unknowningly touches my heart and i am brought down to tears. how it is to be sobbing, crying so hard but with thanks to God for everything He has done in my life.

If it has to be any confessions to be done in my life, God was all along with me and watching me and helping me up when i fell. to grant me the strength to move on when the odds just seem overpowering. to believe in myself little by little. to comprehend that getting your attention wasn't everything in the world. that living for God was what it is keeping me to live every single day. that i hope that people will one day feel and see the light with their eyes and heart. the joy of loving this God and the joy He brings to you. The hope among the disappointment and trials He place. In difficulties or tears, do you learn what is the meaning of what it is to believe. to hope. to live out what you believe in. i wasn't made sensible from day 1 of my life for i was the most stubborn kid and you can agree to it. i was the most defiant kid anyone could get for i was the ultimate when it comes to disagreeing or argueing with you or answering you back when i was young to earn me that slap or some ranting from you.

if only you could sit back and look back at how much you change since back then. reflect on how much you changed. no one can deny how much you have changed since 10 yrs back from now. How much your temper has subsided. how much your pursues in life have changed. that riches and money don't seem to have a hold in your life now. think bout your spending habits. think about the wants that you wanted in your life but not any longer now. piece together how your life has brought you till today's state. why some people are placed in your life and why they are no longer with you anymore. is to hopefully make you realise the lessons that that person has brought you to learn or has taught you but you have refused to acknowledge or credit that person till that person is gone. think why you have grown more regular and faithful in your faith and hopefully do you realise how much you used to object me heading to church to my baptism in becoming a christian. i hope one day you get to understand and see all these things. for they have all happened and everything happens for a reason.

if you would reason every single reason out. and see me. hopefully as a living testimony to you. that brokeness can be restored in a family. place your faith in God and see Him work cause i've seen Him worked and when you have doubts that why somethings miraclously get healed. it isn't from the chinese mediums you have gone to but your little faith in at thinking maybe prayer works. if you would have more faith. the impossible does come true. God's doing is beyond what a complex human mind can comprehend. that's why this faith is all not about going to church and been there. its about God doing things in your life that you have a living relationship with this God. to grant you the joys of living every single day. that you will live each day to the fullest and to what has been laid out in front of you. as much as trials and storms and obstacles come upon you. i think i'll hopefully get past this one as much as it pains me. for loving someone that i know i shouldn't. cause i know it will be a much greater pain next time that i chose to let go of it now. and i don't want to be breaking his close knitted family up. my family's pretty messed up but its alrite. i didn't turned out messed up as i thought i would. as i take comfort in this higher being up there. That all my hopes and joys and energry comes from Him. if only i could tell this to you which i never could face to face. i hope someone relay my deepest thoughts to you. i love you mummy. =) and if you're wondering who's placed in my life now to shower me with love and senses in life since indri left this home [we still catch up!]. It is. arhhaar. You, my beloved internet mummy. and to you. my other omma. Jojo omma. lurve you all.

alritey. i've been wanting to blog for the longest period of time since the holidays started like approximately 2 - 3 weeks ago and apparently haven't done so. for various reasons but arhahar. probably watching long long movies and ended up just bouncing off to bed that i haven't had time to sit down and check myself arhahar. yes.

i'm not feeling the best of myself now cause erm. arhahar. i think i'm gonna fall ill soon. arhhar. its just the feeling that i'm gonna fall into some high fever again. awesome huh. for what reasons? i dunnoe why cause i haven't been caught in any rain or neither have i been having late nites. its just whole feeling of weirdness today when i got home. arhahar. maybe i am sick already. arhhar. *hicks. cause i felt like puking. [signs of pregnancy? arhharar. choy. no lar. kidding] but just pure larthegic-ness or something. arhhar. in case you all are wondering what's joyce's up to. i'm just woe-rking [arhahar. working = woessss] arhhar. over at the book fair whereby its apparently supposed to be working a 12 hr shift but have been working for bout a mere 8 -8.5 hours these 2 days. arhhar. there's overstaff at the booth cause there ain't enough crowd or either my manager must be seeing me having this words spelt on my head in CAPS that goes. [I"M TIRED] arhahar. yes. she's been releasing me and choon teck early [my colleague. who's in the same polytechnic as me and age] ahahar. i'm just wondering when before the 19th comes and my manager goes. "ok xiao peng you men [fellow small friends] -literal translation from chinese. as that's what she calls us. she's really funny] i'm overstaffed. arhahar. which means i might need to release some of you all early before the 19th [the fair ends then] " cause honestly the fair only started picking up today but even so. its pretty little. cause its a book fair and a comp accessories stuck there is alittle bit awkward. arhahrar. i seem to be always working in an overstaffed environment. arhhar. second time. other time was at CPF board. which left the last surviving 5 people with me included. but i got "eliminated" in the end. arhhrar. oh well. so much so for the working part.

school's out and the semester results came out. arhahar. its the usual. thank you to all who have been sending their prayers cause i was blessed. i got through even when the times i think i was soOo dead. arhahar. but yes i got through org. behaviour despite Linnet's initial "i don't like JOyce" attitude. arhhar. but well, actually i thank her for she taught me the meaning of what it is to get over my other bad habit of lateness. honestly i've been rather punctual nowadays. and i think i need her to teach me the lessons on trying to be really still and quiet and just listen totally. i tend to "this is not right. try my opinions / alternatives" arhahar. ends up being too strong on my side which i think i might have to decrease that habit. lol.

and before i leave for my bed. cause arhahar. i think i am concussed. i wanna say. and i come back to the same point. as i ask myself. "is it wrong to care that extra bit for someone" or "maybe it isn't good to have good intentions" at all. arhhaar. i dunnoe. cause half of the time i either send out the "wrong signal" and get myself fixed up. arhhar. and it always ends up the way it is. good friends today and goodbye in the days ahead. that things don't appear the way they were. arhahar. i guess it could be simply me. that after all. i could just be the very hard to understand person. =) that's y i fall straight for the smart. determined. serious guys. its just the way it is. i haven't met one yet. but something i realise i cannot do. is to maintain a best of friends with a close guy huh. arhahar. =) [feeling bit wasteful but i dunnoe. watch what my mouth says i suppose the next time.]

its the coming last paper and i'm itching. arhahar. erh. itching to get it over and done with. not the most motivated paper cause upon seeing my SAND coursegrade. it just puts me off. it is disapponting in a way cause i thought a B would be more justified. simply because I did the reflection but somehow. it ain't in. and well, but i think Grace Yap has got a thousand reasons why i should deserve that grade. maybe i didn't do too well for that after quiz. maybe my individual part wasn't good enough. maybe this maybe that. i just ain't motivated to get a high grade for this subject ever since but nonetheless. put in whatever i can to at least get me through. eEks. just somehow don't feel like performing miracles like i did in EBM. oh well. GOD!! Discipline me will ya.. I was granted rest. but erm. God, can i have concentration and some confidence in this please?. arhahar. i'm soOo cute. He hears me. arharhar. ok *concentration received* just screaming it out. arhahar. makes it all better.

Alrite. GO go jia you. Go for it and just go~~ arhahar. oh i got a nice comment from Jacob that I have interesting songs on my blog. arhahar. Lol. thankie you. interesting is a nice word. i like =) anyways. listening to Glenda bout the "happenings". Wanna say dunch bother bout what's going on and just go for it!! As long as happiness stays and its God will, ain't anyone. should be talking too much around. I find places quite scary at times. eeEeks. freaks me at times thinking bout it. but it'll be good. =) Stay happy wor =)

come on JOYCE. motivate urself. arharhar. I am Powerpuff gurl. as what Ronnie used to call me. Ronnie my first boss. arhahar. yes. Aku si POwerpuff gurl. arhahar. Huff + Puff + Away and its back to my books. Hope all gets seemed in like a tissue on water and squeeze every single drop of da knowledge out tonite. All da bestie!! *fighting* and yes. Da Jang Geum. I'm coming. arhahar. can't wait or stand the thought of being able to be in front of the teevee just googling at it whole day. soOo exciting. arhhar. i got soOo many things i wanna do. go learn more "stuns" on dat guitar + driving. arhahar. wanna sign up and get that license u know why? Cause I can't stand my brother flaunting his car license if he comes back from Australia. Always showing off. *bleah!! arhhaar. Its in preparation before he starts his flaunt show. Get that card and ease my mind. arhahar. even if it is that i do not get to drive that 4 wheel around. Bleah. arhhaar. Jia You u BIT peeps. bunch of clever ppl all around. arharhar. see ya all around then. tataaata. God bless.

Oh and my personality tests. did it in a jiffy whilst taking a break with my dinner at 930pm. nice. and Auntie Lilek said. "joice. kamu suda kurus loh." arhahar. i was laughing it off again at how many says I've put on weight and she says that. I get soOo encouraged. She meant I've slimmed down lar. oh well. i oso dunnoe. all i know was that i think I put on weight during the CNY period. indulging. and after that was all stress and hence. I slimmed down. arhahar. but she's cute. and if u all wanna do that personal test here's da link.

I got it from Cheryl's Tean Blog. that farnie gurl. makes me smile lor she. =)

http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx"

arhhaar. its pretty true for me. i give an 7.5-8 out of a 10. arhahar. here's my results. (-^^,)V

Get to know yourself better
Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on educationYou may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.

ok. its been a long time since i last blogged but arharhar. i was tired and skool had my hands too tied up and i was tired. [rhymes?] arhahar. yeah. so i'm back to rant a little before i head back to books and head back to start. yes. start my revision for monday's sand paper. which will mean it will be the last of my papers this semester. and yes. little thing to look forward to is to meet Ate Sally!! arhahar. yes. [its ate as in auntie sally in cebuano]. we'll all go out for a meeting soon eh. i think ever since we came back from the trip, its been never ending work and tiedups in school for it was very much a crazy semester. spun so fast i probably didn't had time to look back on the days that have passed me by. But yes. sharing this from my private black book i just wrote.

Know what the big word of Aging means? I think I know how it feels now after having a reality check with Jie Jie. Yes, I just feel that mama+papa are ageing and i'm probably feeling the gap widdening or rather. me feeling older definitely as the years goes by. Thinking that I might start working earlier as much as I expected it. arhahar. it shouldn't be a problem i guess. since both of them has been working for a long ime already.

But I guess the doubt lies in seeing my parents turning grey that as the years goes by, seems like life seems to seem out of you. [could be different maybe.] and arhahar. the crazy thought of losing them one day gets freaky. But I think it all lies on the fact that has been on my mind since young of the insecurity that I have on when God says "You and your household will be saved". i don't mean to doubt God but it comes upon me.

the urgency seems iminent as all I see before me. Are people heading into a state of self-seeking, materialistic gain/wants of this world at such an alarming rate, I see people losing themselves to worshipping some factual things called money. becoming slaves drivers to their work just to have what they really want, that it seems that times people want more of themselves that tehy don't really bother on the fact of establishing/maintaining the current relationships. It draws onto me on the fact that once people have found their other half, the world seemingly seems to revolve around each other? That it seems all the world needs seems like a you + me thingy. But i think that equation seems wrong. arhahar. Find a God + You = much greater things. I am not trying to say tha tone should turn into a God-loving manifesto. But am saying that you should base a relationship with also the people around you and also to the one up there.

It seems that people busy in their midst, lost what it is to be living eh? Poeple feeling out of their minds eh? I don't know. Probably I am confiding with myself, probably it is to make myself better or to make a stronger stand in what I'm believing in. But my gut feeling tells me this world seems to be waking up on the wrong side of their beds that the things around us are moving much faster that you can imagine. You probably got sucked into this incoming "tornado". You lose your footing and you most slightly have a life revolving around to what you see. Thinking that what you see is what you get. But i think seeing is believing. I hope I don't get sucked into this worldly thingy life man. it freaks me. It gets harder to hold on as the years gets by but nonetheless, if it is to fall, it is to rise every single time one fall. I wanna finish walking this path of mine tha thas been set out for me whether its a long one or a short one.

I don't know bout all these but my only hope is to press on and to continue walking no matter how hard it is gonna get by. I'll get along with this physical + spiritual tiredness but I'll hold on. arharhar. Make it a good, fought race as said in Timothy. I can't remember what's that whole verse but you get the gist. Cause it seems at times I get sucked into the wants or demands of this world. But only to be reminded of the blessings that I've been blessed with Cebu constantly remaining in the back of my head. I wanna head back sometime soon and rejuvenate that restless spirit of mine as it sometimes seems that i am the only one among the majority to be sparring alone. God bless and open the eyes of your hearts always. Lurve ya all.