funny how today i climbed out of my hole i've been holing up for the past couple of days. actually days already ever since the day i left tp. harhar. and the feeling just comes by me and seems to get a foothold every week as it gets nearer. i just have too many doubts at times. that it all seems to eats me up, i mean yes after going for the test already, i'm still thinking what if you can't make it through. what's your other plans, it keeps eating me up. like everyone's practically asking "what's next" and seeing the faces change once you go "work?" and the advice comes down to continue pursing that degree home.

so to do something different, of my life of the past few days i've been holing up to. was seriously 12 hours of probably cable teevee of channel 55. morning through afternoon and then night comes, comes a switch of channels to channel 8 from 7-8pm to watch zhengyu. the english name of the hk drama is called central affairs 2. its the guy from my date with the vampire / wo he jiang shi you ge yue hui. the japanese commander. cool dude. but in any case once the silent night comes, i become reflective again.

i wouldn't want to switch on the comp, so i don't need to talk to people and on the other hand, i don't want to see graphics/pictures. arhhar. like it would ever help. i've been "fasting" away from the computer, till today. first thing i came back was to change the look of the start bar, the fonts on the active bars, the theme of my firefox explorer. feels different in any ways. then the urge to do something about the wallpaper which ended up still pending. the only thing i ended up probably doing was to resize a picture i took some time ago. and place it on the blog, touching abit of photoshop after a long period of time. add some borders. some fonts. that's it.

its funny how everytime i try to get down to get a wallpaper done, i'll go around looking for pictures but seriously, this time. i've got tons of pictures waiting for me to get work done, but i haven't felt like doing it. I feel bad actually for Agnes have given me pictures of Jon and its just been sitting there. multiplying and i haven't got work done. maybe tomorrow? maybe sometime soon. and there's francis ng's pictures from the August Mag. good looking pictures sitting there in my thumbdrive but i haven't gotten the liberty to get work done. apart from staring at the other francis ng wallpaper i did with small pictures all over the place.

i don't know but i think i need to stop running and start facing it. arhahar. like come on, get some wallpapers done, get started on the forums once again. look, watch and learn and see how people do their stuff. but strangely, lately i just haven't been in the mood to. no mood for movies, not to anything related to mr francis ng lately too arhahar. its just placed on a stop. halt.

was reading through the buddiez blog. we're all round the same path arhaar, like as to enjoying life, wanting to slack. lets not work. but still, eventually know you might have to make future plans. then i happened to chanced upon andrew's blog. for one, i didn't know he'll blog and two. he wrote really well. *shrugs. i like the way how people can just express themselves within a paragraphs or two. or maybe its the writing style. like i'm the cheong hei. i'll bid rounds and rounds round the bushes before i make my point. whilst you can apparently get it done within a sentence or two. i think people in our cell group does write really well. expressing themselves well. you being able to relate to them kind of thing. sometimes i think about how time flies, probably coming to 6 years that i've been around them, heading to church on sundays, seeing their familiar faces. its fun around them lar. and missing cell group days actually. =)

there's quite abit of writing in my black book of my letters to God lately. arhharar. just having this sense of feeling that somehow you'll only learn on to cry to God when you know its the last thing on earth or rather, the only solution left kind of thing. that desperation. that you know have no other outlet but crying or writing out to him. it feels therapeutic as if i'm holding an umbrella and walking in the rain, maybe you feel heard. lately, i've been having strangest ideas and thoughts that at times can be so wrong but the only consolation i got was that good thing i haven't said them out to the person itself like 'i know you're gonna be keeping the papers away" kind of thing. i don't know where all these weird and hurtful ideas could have sprung out from but i felt seriously wrong. could only say how sorry i was to have even had those thoughts circulating in my head.

it just tells that as much as you know that she might not be really supportive of what you're gonna do, doesn't mean that she's gonna go to the extent of being that bad. it was ridiculous of me to have had those thoughts, as i laid on my bed wondering. many a times doubting and seriously asking myself what am i thinking? is this right? when i remembered you're never gonna be good enough if you keep feeling you ain't good enough. i really don't know when i'll get to understand the theology behind convincing yourself that you're good enough. where's that little bit more of faith? arhhar. *shrugs. then i'll hear this "oh ye of little faith" calling out to me arhhar.

i'm so random these days. getting du lan over the slightest things in which i know i shouldn't. just being the most irritable person on earth that the slightest thing is so gonna make me go ji ba boom like repeating myself. that's why i only enjoy writing on msn, on the comp or sms or anything that doesn't require voice enabled functions. i need to kick this habit or probably explains the great holing up hibernation period i'm having. get over it. oh God.

feels weird that everything seems to have come to a sort of standstill. unbelievable how the months have seem to pass me by and the inevitable question has come up and har, like it or not you'll have to face it. things you try to chuck it in a corner but arhha pops back up at you like some kind of compressed spring released into action.

then you'll sometimes wish things keep spinning on the carousel kind of thingy. round and round. same old thing again, but then again, the human gets bored of everything that comes down predictably. how ironic. whatever.

saturday went on. drew whatever they asked. there was nothing more for me to ask, except for well wishes from Jojo omma and Aunty Carol that kept telling me to follow my heart. cousins, KY + Carol, arhhar. so sweet. KY companied me throughout the whole day resulting in both of us becoming zombies by the time afternoon came. arhhar. Carol bought me a pair of earrings cause she said to wish me luck arhahar, and said it looked arty farty on me, and she remembered i wanted one long long time ago ahrahar. :) thanks for remembering. then to the friends around arhahar, like Justin: draw properly ar. Leonard: draw something, teacher don't understand, tell them its e shu. don't understand then go home make babies. and the well wishes from the friends. arhahar. so cute and so sweet.

i really don't know what to expect [whar. sounds like someone's line *rolls eyes]. don't want to expect anything. but then again maybe its wise to always plan for backups and backdoors. seriously, 0 idea or maybe i just don't want to think about it? arhahar. don't know. but i know i want to find a job and start to least earn something and save something wor. arhhar. least i'll be having some spare cash to be leaning on man. its terrible to be broke. entirely.

larthegic. i'm feeling it these days and i wonder when will i be able to pick it up. just so restless. tired but you can't sleep kind of feeling or either i keep spinning those thoughts in my head till i get tired and fall asleep only to be awoken in another day and start the entire whole cycle running again. maybe i should get a job and keep all this stupid insanities in my head away from me.

and my mom just has to add woes to me. come on, give me a break. not that i'm your all time good old technician. i never took up engineering? you expect me to do miracles on the printer? too late man, come on blame it on the man who uses it but somehow, just seems to fall apart. get a new one then? whatever, you want that new 300+ scanner+printer set up, i'll fulfill your wish man. quit the bugging. my POV is just that i don't think that 300 thing would even last long and only be a waste for people who don't appreciate a good scanner lying there. brother who complains that scanner not working. COME ON. eat shit and it works just as fine as anything.

i just cry for the things that fall apart in that room. i do the shopping and then it just dies? and when it dies it seems to have become a responsibility for me to replace them for you? i wouldn't mind working for free for appreciative people but for PPL IN THE HOUSE< eat some shit cause you are a bunch of unappreciative ppl. thank yous are just so hard to pop from the mouths of many. i seriously don't think i owe you any thing which i feel at times i have owed to ppl in this house. really. i must have did things in my past life or something? but i realised i have this life. ahhar, so whatever. i'm just thankful for the faith i have man. keeps me going no matter how hard the wall in front of me is. i tell you. i'll walk i'll break my head i don't care. i hope you all break one day and come to realise man. seriously speaking.

argh. whatever. i'm just a blardie pissed and unhappy dude. where i felt like crying on my way home on the taxi. but the tears ain't coming. don't know where they go or either i must have cried bout this too much when i was younger. it stopped. maybe its not even worth crying for but its still debating inside of me. damn i hate this feeling and i totally hate gap years. its the trying of anything.