[the joy] - Never Stop Believing

A Surrendered Heart

2012-01-29T00:41:00.002+08:00

It is amusing to unearth what lies within the thoughts we have in our heads, while reading and taking a sip of hot tea, the thoughts of a surrendered heart, appeared out of nowhere and completely unrelated to what I was reading! I could choose to shake off the thoughts and define it as random, but I do enjoy chasing my random thoughts and realized it was beautiful enough for me to pen it down.

A surrendered heart is one that has decided to submit fully to a notion, person or a thing that is greater than itself. Possessing the full ability to trust willingly at all times and cost, without any doubts, in full confidence and security that whoever you are giving your heart to, is worth every bit of the “dying to self” moments, for more of the greater things and less of your own desires and ambitions.

A heart that is completely surrendered to a cause is utter foolishness or insanity to some, as they count their costs and wonder if being possessed by a mere thought or a idea is worth losing your “sanity”, as the battle begins in the mind, for one to decide how much to push or give themselves up towards an idea, or to stay within the certain boundaries of what is defined as safe and sane.

All things or actions done out of a surrendered heart, is deemed as brash, emotional and irrational to the logical and rationals. A laid down lover has no qualms in trusting or in pushing the logical boundaries that so bind our minds, because they are assured in the nature of the receiver of their love, regardless of the process or outcome, they know it will always be good.

Faith and obedience comes easy to a surrendered heart, for it is always trusting and rooted in love, there are barely any rooms for fears, doubts or negativities to grow. Steadfast, passionate and persevering is the nature of a surrendered heart, who does not sway at circumstances or in rough times, because it always trusts and obeys.

Perhaps it is the transformation of our hearts and minds, a realization of who we really are, after the initial rude shock of just how ugly one can be, that is masked within the worldly definitions of “greatness” or “helping one another”, to the realization of a need of finding someone out there who is affirming or loving enough to see past all these flaws of ours and to know that we are loved.

Does this Lover exist at all or possessing a surrendered heart a possibility or is it a mere fragment of my own vivid imagination - It is a choice we all make, to decide which world we intend to live in and from. Perhaps to some, I’m only a dreamer but I certainly do enjoy chasing down the roads of my random thoughts, to realize the way I was made, designed and to enjoy the way I am! How everyone was made unique and different, I came to a conclusion that once again left me in awe and splendor of this great and grand weaver, who is ever so visionary.

I think about this oncoming wave of laid down lovers, one can’t wait but to marvel, behold and get all excited about discovering what lies within each of us - every single one of us and it is exciting times indeed!

“The mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to His saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.”

Colossians 1:26-27

Updates 15 - Happy New Year!

2012-01-25T01:31:00.024+08:00

Whoops, I just checked the last update, and realized Iʼve been not updating since the New Year, so Iʼve been asked what is life is like up in the village or how does East Timor actually looks like.

Life in Liquicia is a little different from life back at Dili. (Top left: A house in the village and the mountains/hills in the background)
Market Day is once a week, unlike how it was in Dili, where it was way more convenient where I could get my vegetables on demand, a stone throwʼs away.

Teaching English remains, from the youths and young adults to these Sec 1 students in school. Tables and chairs are better here and I actually have “special guests” that follows me around school. This is Blacknose (I have doggie company here), he actually walked me from home to the school and into the classroom, which was hilarious as I introduced myself and him to the class, on my first day of lesson to the students, like a prop?

Kids program is also conducted for the children in the community, where they sing songs and learn some English through stories or through pictures and drawings.

One of the most fulfilling part of teaching English that I love apart from creating my funny cartoon drawings, is teaching young toddlers how to hold a pencil and to write. It is totally empowering to watch how these tods how the pencil in complete concentration, in attempt to complete a “Aa” exercise.

Iʼve actually picked up a new hobby here while attempting to cook my 48 meals here and have finally perfected my art of my “veggie/minestrone soup” copy in Uncle Kim Chyeʼs kitchen that Iʼve discovered the joy in cooking (with good knives and Tefal pans and great pots and stove), is quite like music - practice till you get it right and be creative in your ingredients mix eh?

My housemates (ཬն๨ included) for a week, we relived good old classic times of playing board games - Mastermind anyone? If you ever intend to get SY to talk more, play Mastermind with him.

Life in the village goes back to a little good old classic days. Blasting “Jacky Cheung” on the speakers to bring a little Chinese feel in another land, wishing everyone a Blessed Chinese New Year!

Some things to pray for:

- Pray for continual strength, good health (there is a flu bug going around back in Dili :/) (Iʼve got a 4.5 hrs of lessons straight for my first lessons to 3 classes for me and Luis tomorrow!), grace and love to unite us (the bunch of Indonesian missionaries and a local here), as we go about continue serving the community through the English and Children Programs.

- Pray for the remaining time in Liquicia, though a short one, to be a time where people will be able to catch a glimpse or experience His love for the people and children here.

- Pray for less power outages, it can be quite disabling living without lights and electricity due to the long periods of outages or the frequency of it.

Thank yous and with love, Joy Joy

PS: The title suppose to be in Chinese, didn't appear.

Updates 14 - Anew!

2012-01-04T23:24:00.021+08:00

Greetings and a Happy 2012, with the start of another year, I should start the updates again, after December 2011 came in a jiffy and I was on my way to Liquicia on Boxing Day.

December had tons of visitors, with teams from both Kum Yan Methodist and COOS and with my sister, appearing as special guest of a speech judge and a prize presenter to the coloring contest, Shih Yang as the guest photographer for the kids graduation ceremony, it was really good to see how everyone contributed and served the kids around the community, regardless of where we were from.

The children had programs focused upon the theme of “I am Special” while the teens had the theme of “Princes and Princesses” for the boys and girls respectively.

The highlights of the program had to be the segment of a reconciliation between the bigger brothers and the younger boys, where there was a time of healing and forgiveness, as our male teachers stood in proxy of the younger kidsʼs older brothers, as they hugged the younger kids.

The younger boys tend to get picked on or treated roughly by their older brothers, and I heard so much stories and testimonies about it, such a wonderful time!

The girls managed to get dressed up as princesses, and a time for them to feel and look good about themselves!

New Yearʼs Eve was spent with a feast at Uncle Kim Chye/Aunty Jennyʼs (yeap, thatʼs him holding the Ketupats), together with the Indonesian missionaries who are working in Liquicia, sharing a meal together and watching Thor projected on a big screen and a great Skype/call sessions I had with my beloveds.

So what am I doing over at Liquicia if some of you are wondering?! Children and teaching English still remains, as I now work with the Liquicia team over here. Interestingly, I finally got a chance to observe, study and use the Cocoon Module that they have developed, to teach English at an introductory level, since Iʼm now teaching the Indonesian Missionaries with the module too. It does make me wonder from time to time, how on earth did I pick up my English, that learning it and trying to now teach the concepts of it is another ball game altogether - but all is good :)

Will update more with pictures of how Liquicia looks like and some of the cute

Meanwhile, prayer pointers continues!

- Please do pray for continued good health and good rest (yes, again! the dogs/chickens are quite something here!) I have just recovered from another bout of fever/flu again!

- Grace, favor and wisdom as I work with the Indonesian Missionaries that are here, as we share our lives, teach, learn and work together, pray for a spirit of love, humility and unity to bind us altogether, even though Iʼm here for just a month!

- Pray for the children and people of the community, that as they come into contact with the team, that they will experience His love and see a transformation take place in Liquicia

- Will be teaching English to the Liquicia youths soon, pray for good bilingualism (Tetun- English, English-Tetun) and a good time together!

That will it for now, thank you for praying! Loves,
Joy Joy

Updates 12 - Lessons through Doodles and Colors

2011-11-29T23:22:00.025+08:00

Another week, and this week has been seeing the rains more often - the rainy seasons are in and you get the occasional waddling through muddy, murky waters that fills your slippers as you make your way around. It also means extended time for story telling after kids club since the kids hang around as they wait for the rain to clear up a little, before heading back home!

There is always something magical about story telling and a big book, which seems to gather all the kidsʼ attention at a time, who are ever so eager to know what happens when the next page comes.

We had a coloring competition for the kids too - “My Timor, My future” was the theme, to let them know of the possibilities of having tall skyscrapers, and city looking buildings, that they know exists not in their nation, that Teacher LS was explaining, they could just possibly be able to see it in their lifetimes if they believe and work hard towards developing this nation together.

So they colored to the city looking picture I drew a couple of weeks back, and it was amusing how all of them took much time and effort to do up the picture, since they rarely do, with regards to coloring on the worksheets they work on before the kids club lessons begin. Perhaps the word, “competition” made them serious about their coloring and I still havenʼt have a clue yet, as to how to pick the winners yet, since they all look so nice.

While I was working on the storyboards of Siko and Bobo one of the days, this young boy came up to me, as many of them has seen me draw and stood there and just wowed at what they saw and said how nice it looked. He browsed through the entire drawings I had and he asked if he could have a piece of paper and a pencil, and he picked the picture that he liked most, and decided to start tracing the picture out.

It took me by surprise, because no one has ever asked and done what he did, but what was more surprising, was the picture he chose to replicate! It definitely wasnʼt one that I would choose, I mean I thought I had much more interesting and better looking pictures around, but he chose the one that I thought was actually the “ugliest” and the one that I was probably the least confident about.

So he drew the picture of Siko growing fat, and found a marker later, to trace it out, to look just like the one I drew. It was encouraging to watch him draw, that at times, the best way to learn, is simply through modeling after something that is of your interest. I started drawing too, through modeling what I see from a picture/book, and tried to replicate it as best as I could!

It is always humbling to have someone replicate something that you drew, regardless if the person was just a kid, but the entire incident made me redefine again what beauty meant and that it is always different to the eyes of the beholder.The picture that I thought was ugly was pretty in his and it felt like a God moment - to realize and to look at things, through His lenses and not mine and the importance and roles of models/modeling.

I took a hand at trying out, how to cut your own hair too, ever since I heard Francs doing it, I have been toying with the idea and since it will be the only chance to try it here and should the experiment fail, Iʼm away from home, no one would know right! It turned out alright, and it was actually real fun doing it.

This is my favorite baby from church - called Judah, who is a friendly baby that lets you carry him and smiles at you every time you make him happy enough :) Naza is in the picture, because she always catches me with the kids that I keep going “so cute” and she will go, “take picture!”.

She has been attending church with us more often lately. Since most of the people here come from a Catholic background, we donʼt go on insisting that they have to attend the Protestant church but we focus on studying the bible together, that draws us together, in regards to the teachers that we disciple.

Often, the gradual transition and transformation happens, when they become convicted enough by God, they make the switch to attend the Protestant church more regularly. All these doesnʼt go on easy, because of the persecution, verbal accusations that they receive at times from their own family, friends or just the community that they live in.

Things to pray for:

- Pray for Naza as she embarks on this journey of faith, as she digs deeper into seeking more of Him. She is down with Guardia (a stomach parasite) right now and pray for healing to be upon her

- Pray for the entire team and the local teachers too, for good rest every night and good health and for us all, to be focused upon Him as we share our lives and journey together. I believe God is moving among the local teachers, each in His special ways individually, pray that they will draw closer to Him as He draws closer to them.

- 2 teams will be coming in December, one from COOS and another from Kum Yan
Methodist, pray that God will use them in a mighty and powerful manner, that the
message of “I am Special”, will be brought to the children, that the kids will know that they are His precious sons and daughters. Pray that the team themselves will experience God in a whole new ways and be touched by Him :)

- My mom and sis who are visiting - I am actually really apprehensive about my mom! Pray that God will grant them the grace that the trip will a great one, to be able to view the
work here as not as hardships, but a focus unto the beauty of what God is doing in the midst of the people and in this nation. Pray that both of them will experience God in a whole new manner and a touch from Him and to know of His love for them.

- Cocoon as they journey on as an NGO (yes thanksgiving to God for a smooth and fast process of registering), that we will be open to any new ways of doing things/ programmes (eg. Soccer league for the kids?) that is upon Godʼs heart. Pray for His wisdom and revelation to be poured forth.
Alrightys, that shall be it for now! Thank you for praying, keep it coming! Loves,
Joy Joy

Updates 11 - Thanks, God!

2011-11-19T23:11:00.020+08:00

This week flew by really quickly! Monday was a public holiday over at Timor (yes, they do have a lot more PHs during the month of November!), and so, LS, Dawn and I decided to head down to a cafe that is set up by 2 Brazilian missionaries, to train women who were abused, so they will still be able to have a vocation. We spent the remaining time just talking about the programs, planning for the coming December, where there will be 2 teams coming both from COOS and from Kum Yan Methodist, which to me felt weird, planning from the receiving end, the overview of the programs, which is going to be focused on purity, valuing oneself for the girls and to make right decisions for the boys.

Before the build up to the weekends which, was a staff retreat for the teachers, Siko was in the making, and making preparations for a short sharing on worship.

The retreat was focused on the topic of purity and the gender roles of men and women, which in this culture, the women often end up being less valued than the way they should be.

It was a nightʼs stay at Beachside Hotel (which was started up by an Australian couple, great, clean place and bunks at USD$20/head) if you intend to come to Dili, and it is by the seaside, with a nice cafe by the beach ;)

Perhaps it has been some time since I saw nice rooms, even this simple room feels like such a luxury, that one of the teachers said, “one day, my dream is to have a room like this”, and it made me wonder how we Singaporeans do not think much of the rooms we have!

I really love this ice breaking game that we did, which was to write our names on a piece of paper, and then have it stuck on our backs, and we go around, writing affirming words on one otherʼs back. I received words like “courageous, youʼre a good girl, good heart, God loves you and those caps word spells, “MUST SPEAK TETUN”, haha. I tend to speak English with these teachers! It is the students that I end up speaking most of my Tetun to, and my Tetun teacher.

The retreat was amazing, just by the way how God moved and worked among us, as we shared from our pasts, our date/relationship stories, to our confessions, that there was this openness to share with one another, that the bonds we had with one another, was not merely constrained to a cordial work or friends relationship, but one that geared towards a family oriented relationship - one that valued, cared and loved one another enough, to journey with one another. I felt that there was a shift in the way, how both genders viewed one another, how we could value one another and treat one another better, and hopefully, be close enough to one another, to form accountability partners, to help look out for one another.

This was the view I had, as I waited for my Bakso, sitting with my legs dangling off from a wall, singing on the guitar to the greatest Lover on earth, made me feel very blessed, happy and thankful, of just being able to do my favorite thing at the moment as the sun was setting - what a beautiful and rare sight! (how many sunsets do I get to sing to Him?!)

Sometimes, we are just too busy to realize the simplest things in life that can bring us so much joy, like a bowl of Bakso! It is the best I had, since I have been here. It has an added egg and fried tofu on it, LS gladly allowed me to have a tofu in there regardless how much it cost (USD$0.25), so I was a happy kid!

For a complete experience of eating Bakso, it has to be bought from a dude who sells it on a bike, (yes, his entire stall is attached on a motorbike, and it is piping hot).As you wait for your turn (the bowls are reused, just donʼt think about how the washing goes about), find a spot, squat and eat it- just like how it is done here, soupy food is always comfort and happy food.

Li Shan led worship on Sunday, during service and I played the guitar (bye chord sheets!), and it was just great worshipping with the voices of the congregation to a guitar, realizing that our voices indeed is the greatest instrument that God has given to us all.

I wished I had Uncle Tony around to borrow a pick from (I would always find him, heʼs came from a special pick wallet!), I completely forgot about it and since I rarely used it here, because no one uses it here and the guitar couldnʼt be plugged in or mic-ed up - sure in the midst of worshipping, the fingers felt fine until I was resting and wondering why does my right fingers hurt so much - it actually bled and I never realized it the entire time. I suppose I finally understood now, how the harpists feels and the thought of it all that it was gross and extreme?

I suppose, there is always something to give thanks for :)

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances for this is the will of
God in Christ Jesus for you”
1 Thessalonians 5:18

Praying without ceasing?
- Cocoon has completed the process of being registered as an NGO, godspeed and with much favor, thank you Jesus!

- We all to be well rested and in good health, as we prepare for the teams and people who are coming in two weeks time! Since God never does anything without a purpose, pray for His will to be done and for the kids (and to any divine meetup/appointment/person) to experience and know of His love and for the teams to experience Him in the ways they have not encountered Him yet. (yeap, His heavenly will on earth, as it is in heaven!)

Thank you and with much love,
Joy Joy

Updates 10 - “Same, same but different”

2011-11-08T21:57:00.025+08:00

This week has been a little different, since we had 2 public holidays during the week, All Souls and All Saints Day and we decided to do things differently, by taking time off to clear out the 4 rooms we have at the back of the library. It was incredibly filthy and filled with cockroaches running around, which I was spared from, as I had language lessons.

We had lunch altogether and then proceeded to weed out the area with the student teachers, so we could enlarge the drains to prepare for the incoming wet and rainy season. It was quite some back breaking work to realize Iʼm not getting any younger but still nonetheless fun and to realize how hardy those weeds were!

A sink fell on Monday, apparently for no reason and thankfully, we didnʼt have any casualties even though there was a kid inside, moments to give praises and thanks to Jesus for!

Apart from that, we celebrated the birthdays of those born in the month of October, that saw one of the younger students, Bobo praying for Francs, which was quite a sight to behold :)

We played the blanket game too with the kids, which was really fun where the teachers themselves, ended up playing and screaming at each otherʼs name, which really has been building up the bonds and relationships among one another, eating, working and sharing faith together, good stuff!

With things being a little different most of the week, I thought I tried something different from a typical day of cooking, and tried to have some creativity with food too and it turned out somewhat Mediterranean, perhaps with the ingredients used, of long beans, tomatoes and fish and onions, it was gone quick too.

One thing that I have learnt over here, is often to throw away the “old” ways of doing things and to embrace the “new”, to forget about chord sheets when Iʼm worshipping and the recipes when Iʼm cooking, and to learn the art of redoing things either by the work of a vague memory and by refining it by doing it till you get it right, which has been fun in all ways, to realize how I have been limiting myself, not wanting to try new calibrations that at times, forbids me from realizing some pleasant and nice surprises, like this fishy dish:)

The weekend was spent, holding football friendlies with the youths of the Nazarene Church, because of the sheer number of kids who turned up, which was like most of the kids in town, we needed 2 sessions :) There is something about boys and soccer and it is a worldwide phenomenon! They came all decked out in their gears, jerseys and boots.

Just when I thought the “song tiao” was the coolest and funnest transport, come to Dili, and try this pick up that transported about 40+ kids off to the nearby Dili Institute of Technology! Of course the pickup here doesnʼt have as much pick up as the song tiaos, but it was crazy!

Sundayʼs match turned up wet and soggy and all it took was perhaps 30 minutes to an hours of rain to turn the pitch into some mud land! It floods here easily once the rain pours and decides not to stop and this was the result of a couple of hours of rain (the importance of drainage systems!)Yeah, where is the pitch? It is to the left of the tree where there is an entire mass of water and because of the lightning, we had to halt the game and head into shelter, which most of the time was spent feeding them water and with Tiger Biscuits (It is energy biscuits for a reason!)

In all, it is one of those “same same, but different”, another week but one of those week that seems similar, but yet so different (I wonder if that made sense), Iʼll end off with a shot with my beloved, special boy that I always end up smiling at secretly, when I am observing him, I manage to take a self- shot with him - Atito!

Keep the prayers coming :)

-Weʼre thinking or not to proceed on, to take this soccer friendlies up to another notch, where the word of God is infused into the friendlies. We are not too sure about it, so pray for wisdom how this may come about.
-Students/Teachers/Kids: Pray as you are led, Iʼm sure God is doing something in the lives of all of them.

Loves,
Joy Joy

Update 9 - “The least in the kingdom of heaven is greater than John the Baptist”

2011-10-31T18:22:00.010+08:00

I created this with the fridge magnets that was left unused with the selection of words that I had left - It is SLʼs, and yes! I myself am very amused by these fridge magnets that I think I would love to get them too, when I am back. SL herself is quite a wordsmith, so I thought I made an attempt on poetry, on the people I spend so much time with, and the very reason that brought me here to spend time with them - Children and what I thought of them :) (probably inspired by my own childhood, because I love to play house, fall down ever so often and have this purple/yellow solution applied on the scabs off my elbows and knees, ask the strangest questions of whys and whens and if I could company my sis every time she goes out!)

These very special beings is as to what Jesus said, “Let the children come to me, and do not hinder them for to such belongs the kingdom of God”. (Luke 18:16). I thought I should spend this update focusing on them and how special they are, and as if it wasnʼt enough, I was reading “The Shack” and one of the side quotes was italicized - “The soul is being healed by being with children”.

Children here at times take a different concept as to what I am often used to, contrary to what I thought how they should be protected, treated and loved. At times, because of the sheer number of children that the parents have, who are often too busy or overwhelmed by life in itself, tend to leave their children on their own. This will include that the children themselves will have to take note when are the days for kids club, or the teachers (ourselves) will have to go reminding the kids to go for their showers and then head to the library for kids club. Yes, this will mean that the kids shower and dress themselves with the aid of probably their older siblings at most.

Back at home, I tend to hear the many stories of how our parents goes on nagging if we have done our homework, showered, eaten, how was school, what did we do or eat the entire day, and it suddenly dawned on me that that nagging itself is love and how we tend to complain about how our parents should be giving us a break eh? Bless our parents who does such a great job :)

With so much time spent watching and being with children, it is hard to not fall deeper in love with them and how they have the beauty of going past and through your defenses, without you even realizing it and soon enough, you canʼt help but love them more than enough, regardless of how naughty they are, how they often end up smacking or beating each other, but still love them ever the same and I was strucked by this particular thought one day - “can you ever imagine how much more our Father in Heaven loves us all?”

A kid whom I deemed as “the bully” has somewhat won my heart, called Akoli and he is on the naughtier side. I havenʼt yet found anyone who has refuted my theory, that the naughtier kids are often the smarter kids around, that the teachers will have to discover the one thing they are good at if they may not be that academically inclined, iʼm sure they are gifted at some other areas!

It is magical when small moments like these happen, without you realizing, how he came up to me while we were walking to the library and how he placed his hands unto mine, and loves to ask “what is my name” in English and what is it that I am holding, whoʼs is it, that reveals the heart and the nature of kids, that we are all created, to be good and pure.

The older kids did what the younger kids did last week - making their promises of helping one another on the pledge card, love the drawings and colors :)

I have been massively drawing this week, perhaps trying to get the pictures of what Timor will be like in 2020, before the public holidays sets in next week!

I hope the drawings help the kids to gather ideas and perspectives that they will dream, or in that sense to think about what they will like to have for themselves in the future. I donʼt think I have drawn any architecture/rooms on a basis like that but I suppose, to every thing that has their first time, it was enjoyable, I have always wanted to draw my own made- belief city landscape in which I finally did!

With children, there must be games, so here is a game we came up together to get the kids to learn how to help one another, similar to the pass the chair game, but they are stepping on egg trays and to make it a little harder for these little ones, just place 2-3 kids on a tray! It was so funny and fun to watch them play.

Apart from these little joys that keeps me, I have big obvious joys that are displayed wide across the skies, as though God is telling and speaking to me in His ways and through His creation of colors, timing and light (sounds like photography?), the entire sky was purple as I walked towards home from the library, I stood staring at the skies that was one of those special moments, and gone the next moment I was home, it was dark. It was one of those moment if you missed it, or was too caught up with something, you probably wonʼt get to see it and the typical me, was secretly excited and grinning from ear to ear - happy of course!

There will be 2 public holidays in the coming week - The All Souls and All Saints Day on Tuesday and Wednesday, and we will likely have a day of rest on Tuesday and have a clean up, fellowship/bible study/worship/room dedication and a barbecue dinner on Wednesday, as we take over the 4 rooms at the back of the library, and extend our facilities and Saturday will be soccer day, where the kids will be involved in some friendlies around.

Do pray for:

- The rooms that serves as a form of extension, for cleansing and for wisdom as to what to do with the rooms and how to decorate/furnish the rooms

- No injuries or fights, as the kids go on their soccer day on Saturday and for good weather

- Students/Teachers/Kids: It is the same request week in and out, haha and it still is. Pray as you get led then, Iʼm sure God is doing something in the lives of all of them.

- Me: I have just recovered from a bout of stomachaches that leaves me in a mix of a bad/ weak stomach and the want to puke, took time off to rest but pray for full recovery (it has been 2 days) and I hope it will all be cleared up and good!

- The teamʼs health: Pray that we will all be kept in a clear and good bout of health, NO STOMACHACHES (urgh), as the team have a “different week” with the clean ups and barbecue, begins preparation/planning for December (we have 2 teams, my mom and sis and Shih Yang!) and that me and another one team mate will be making a border run in mid/end November - good and great health will be welcomed!

- Pray for good rest too during the nights, for deep, restful, undisturbed rest for us all too :) As the Lord leads, thanks for the prayers and keep them coming,
Loves, Joy Joy

Update 8 - Small but Tall, Little but Much?

2011-10-24T22:33:00.012+08:00

:) sums up what I am feeling for the week, I discover that as I write this entry as I end the week, sitting on my bed and thinking about the week that has past me, it is somewhat comforting, upon thinking about the things to share or talk about and the many things to give thanks for.

Siko and Bobo is still in the making, I have been drawing a lot more this week and the next, because of the longer storyline and also to prepare for the coming activities in November, that will take a different twist from the usual kids club program, perhaps with more drama, art lessons (yes, Iʼve actually come up with 4 art lessons to get kids to draw, for those who are keen) and some other coloring and drawing competitions.

There will be a couple of public holidays like a Youth Day and an Independence Day (if my memory doesnʼt fail me), and we were thinking about getting kids to perhaps think about their ambitions or what they will like to be when they grow up, what Timor will be like in 2020, so Iʼve been trying to draw some pictures so the kids can visualize and perhaps kickstart their thought process. Creative thinking or coming out with ideas of their own, isnʼt quite a norm here and so hopefully, this will get the kids to start dreaming!

Funny how I was discussing this idea of ambitions with LS and was kind of asking if it is a problem here that the kids donʼt know what they will like to become, and when she said yes, I marveled at the knowledge that I had, which was one of the reasons I felt strongly led to come here and be among the children! Thinking back, the last time I came, I didnʼt have that much of the interaction with the kids, but the general sensing that I had that was strong enough to became a conviction of mine. Putting it into words is marring the beauty of it - but you get it, and I sat there and smiled, that it was a “it can only be God” moment(:

I havenʼt or have never drawn so much before on a basis like that, like it is almost daily, like it is some form of practice, it is menial, time consuming and a lot of hard work but all is good and I have nothing to complain about as I watch the kids themselves work on the things that I have drawn, keeps the joy of creating all these drawings going - I really do enjoy seeing the colors off these kids art work, yes Iʼve been leading the bigger classes too, passing out instructions, guiding them around.

It turns from this (on the left) to the one on the right! The kids worked in pairs to work on this worksheet on sharing, so each person takes a character and learn how to color together and their work got pinned up around the class, look at their joy and fascination of their own work?

This is like a pledge card about helping one another, that as I did examples, these younger kids decided what they will like to do, to help one another and design up their cards.

Sigh, I was quite in awe and marveled by these little kids, by what they managed to draw, color and write, having examples gave them handles on how to draw the faces and clothes on :) So pretty and cute right?! (Ok, I have a bias towards toddlers art, it is always so precious and hilarious!)

God has His moments of answering my cries - of wanting to see and play with very young puppies and the neighbors dog gave birth to a litter of 6 a few weeks back, and I got to play with it on one of the nights as they wandered towards SL and Dawn, thanks to them constantly talking about Blackie (our current dog) and her past days as a puppy, I got my share hee hee. The little joys of the week included a Friday team breakfast at the beach at Crystalrade, because my language teacher had to invigilate at the schools for the national exams, Iʼve got 2 weeks of break from language learning and the team thought we should eat together for breakfast, since I didnʼt have lessons.

Ok, I added this to show you how mangoes are eaten here and the many ways of using a pen knife - I am serious, this is how the Timorese eat their mangoes everywhere they are! I saw a lady using a penknife slicing mangoes at some government office too, intrigued by the little things of life that passes me by. This is Naza by the way, another one of the student teacher, amazing in her own ways!

On a personal note, Iʼll just share a testimony of things that are happening back at home that was spurned on by a dream. (Yes, I have been dreaming a lot more here, somehow and it has been an answered prayer. I havenʼt dreamt for a large part of my life since I asked for it to be closed, since when I was a child, I was getting way too much nightmares but a few months back, felt God leading me to pursue dreams again).

It was about me and my cousin being at a huge mall, saw her life flash me by, of how she went to school and then went on to work and how she was still looking for something, till she went into a store, got dressed as a teacher and I suppose, found her joy in being a teacher, as she came out rejoicing and all happy. It was really quite out of the blue since

we havenʼt been in contact for a while as we both became YOWAs but I thought I will just share the dreams with her and it became a reconnecting point.

While sharing how it has touched and moved her that God still cares and loves her and made her realize how she miss the good old times we spent together and realize my point of doing my stint over at Timor, she revealed that she has been attending church more regularly and being in church more often made her realize why we should be doing missions! It was really quite a wowing moment because I never expected the huge reaction and much less, that God was already moving in her that has gotten her to be more regular at church lately, which was something I have been praying since I was 14?

So to say - 10 years or however long the number of years it is, to see a breakthrough or see Him move, He is faithful to His calls, words and promises that He has spoken over you and it is another thrust forward for me that when He says when you believe in Him, you
and your entire household gets saved, I am seeing the glimpse of it and am still pursuing it and that He knows the desire of your heart.

Do keep praying for:

- The teamʼs health - LS has been bothered by this persistent cough, is getting better but pray for complete recovery. Dawn has just been plagued by this tummy ache lately that hurts and leaves her without much appetite. It is getting better, but again, pray for complete recovery and good and clean bill of health for all of us please!

- SL: Heads to Jakarta for a conference and she will be sharing on Timor, pray that it will be a good and refreshing time at the conference as she goes on her break after that

- Students/Teachers/Kids: It is the same request week in and out, haha and it still is. Pray as you get led then, Iʼm sure God is doing something in the lives of all of them.

- Cocoon will be renting 3 more rooms, just behind the location of where the library is, as an extension of facilities. Pray for God to reveal just how the rooms will be used (one will be used as a lounge area for the teachers to chill out) and how it will be done up or to whatever is upon His heart, to grant us revelation and wisdom.

- Me: For continued flow of creativity, grace and love in all things that I do and as to however you feel led! Haha!

Time to sleep, it is getting late, till then! (ps: a shot of me of those who wonders how I look on Skype from Timor. It is hard to get on, both parties need to have the right timing of availability, and then I will need to have electricity running on my side and a connection good enough to sustain a video call? Video calls at best only last for 7 minutes - Funny eh?)

Loves and misses, Joy Joy

Update 7 - Festa, Barak Loos (Party, much)

2011-10-17T19:42:00.017+08:00

Dawn: “We have to stop eating like this! Ever since you came in, we seem to be eating so
much more!” I laughed at the reply, because each time I eat and Iʼm full, I think about
being the first “missionary” who heads abroad, and comes back putting on more weight, which SL thinks it is a great idea, so people wonʼt think of Timor as such a hard place to live. My pants still fits fine and I suppose the heat of the weather that makes me sweat buckets even things out, thankfully! Perhaps it is Jesusʼs intentions to bless not just me but the many people around and to be living from abundance.

How true it is, that from the time that I came in, it happens to coincide with dinner invites from visiting teams or when Pastor Dong hits town and as of this weekend, just yesterday, there was a wedding and another neighborʼs 1-year old baptism party to attend to. Thanks to our stomach constraints, we attended only the baptism party since we decided the wedding people wouldnʼt discover our absence because of the sheer amount of people present. Weddings and baptism are some of the things that are done big and celebrated here and I have the chance of being a part of (I feel like Iʼm on some cultural exchange program?!)

Over in Timor, girls at the age of 12 are likely able to cook for a family of a size of 10-12 at any time, so this table of food was prepared by a handful of ladies and it was such a
spread, I still canʼt imagine how it was all done in the kitchen they had, but they did.

This is the baby that was baptized and the next big party he has apart from his birthdays, will be his first communion which takes place around the age of 13-14. My memory fails to remember what was the third event that Timorese usually celebrate, apart from their baptism and their first communion - Interesting eh?

See everyone all dressed up in the picture? This is the definition of dressed up here in which I think coming from Singapore, it is a normal sight but it is a rare sight over here and I spotted something that caught my eye - perhaps my love for sneakers has never left. See this kidʼs Air Max (i think), super spiffy since people here usually are dressed in passed down outfits or second hand outfits available at the stores around. Nike never looked so good.

If I thought that was going to be all for the week, we had a barbecue dinner to celebrate
Francs 24th birthday which completely felt like a SG stayover birthday chalet with tons of
sausages, crabsticks, yam and 3 large pizzas. Pizzas here are of excellent standards, I
promise you and if you ever have a chance to head down here to try :p Food, food, food
and eat and eat and eat, apart from cleaning up and getting of the groceries was the hard
work.

Frans is the guy in the centre with the sternest look in which I took another shot with another camera and made sure they all smiled. Birthday celebrations is not a big affair here, partly due to cakes and restaurants being costly that most canʼt afford to have, in which at times all they have, if they are lucky, is an hard boiled egg. So please give thanks for your yearly birthday celebrations even if it is just a meal or cake, that you never know how much you have.

Another thanksgiving item (christmas came early), will be the smooth process of registration of Cocoon as an NGO. (See the lady on the right, that is Pastor Acy, the Pastor of the church that we head to every week, she is wearing a Telunas shirt! Iʼm wearing it now as I type this update (LOL), havenʼt had a chance to ask her if she has been there yet).

As said in the previous update, of how tedious and laborious processes and administration takes place here, it is a big step forward after the signing of this very document, as you can see on the faces of Frans and Naza :)

We give thanks for Blackie too! Cute eh? She is our little cheer leader that greets us home every day whenever we return, doing her many silly and doggy antics, sleeping on chairs. She is very well loved among us here and I loved her enough to take her a shower yesterday, my second time here. It is what the team dub as the “baptism of fire” here, not much difficulty though.

Iʼm working on another set of storyboards now, on Siko, the monkey and Bobo, the caterpillar, it is a story of transformation and the story of Cocoon and another week of creating more kids club materials. Teaching of the bigger kids went well :)

The longest conversation I had of Tetun apart from my tutor, Zeze, and the class I did, was with a 5 year old that was at the baptism party, so here goes language learning/application and my next mission will be is to at least learn how to say grace before a meal. I love the little surprises that occurs as and whenever and my little sms conversation I had with Louisa is another story (yah, go ask her) haha!

Keep praying for:
- Li Shan: Her persistent cough is still hanging around, do pray for complete healing

- Dawn: Her back

- SL: Heads to Jakarta for a conference and she will be sharing on Timor, pray that it will
be a good and refreshing time at the conference as she goes on her break after that

- Students/Teachers/Kids: God is moving around in various ways that I donʼt think anyone
can define or put a box to it, and as of today, Alloe (one of the teachers) shared a
testimony of how God used him to speak to some of his friends in school who was asking
about what is a Christian and what do they believe in.

The teachers have started their university terms and as they juggle their roles of being a
teacher and student, pray that God will grant them wisdom and strength especially when
they are in school - they tend to get asked a lot of questions about their faith, if they know they are Protestants and for Him to cover over them.

- Me: For continued flow of creativity, grace and love in all things that I do, learn/cook/
draw/talk. Health has been great so far and I am not taking it for granted haha! Keep the
prayers coming in whichever ways God leads you.
Time to sleep!

Loves,
Joy Joy

Update 6 - “What Day is it today?”

2011-10-13T00:02:00.020+08:00

The title is the favourite question of everyone on the team that usually pops up either at the dinner table or when we end a day and is returning home to have our dinner, we will actually have to remind each other which day of the week it is. Time in Dili tends to take on a different twist, whereby at times, the day or week may seem like a long one, but the moment you think about it, time seems to fly you by and you wonder how and what did you do for the entire week that just went by?

Tomorrow marks a start to another week and also marks a significant day for Cocoon! They are going to sign the papers tomorrow that will mark 2/3 of the registration process of Cocoon as an NGO. You cannot comprehend enough of the way things work over here than back at home, since you are so used to the systematic, quick and hassle-free ways of processing that I had a brief taste of Timor work style as I did my medical checkup as part of my visa application.

It often gets laborious because of the possibilities of making a few more trips over certain small details you may overlook - that includes a requirement to be dressed appropriately,file colors that you use to submit your documents, lack of some photocopies of documents that you do not have and get turned away for a million reasons! I have heard horror stories from the experienced ones and so far, the submissions has been really successful apart from a nurse who jabbed me at the same spot another doctor from another clinic took blood test from me the previous day, that led to quite a squirt appearing on her outfit and my arm, messy but I survived and was still quite alarmed that she would pick the same EXACT needle spot, where I have quite a large surface area on my arm. (the same day, we heard of Steve Jobʼs passing)

Aze and Migi made their debut appearance this week and it was well-received by the kids, as LS read lines of the story out and the kids could guess which picture corresponded with the story line!

So Aze and Migi goes on further with more coloring worksheets made for the kids and with the months of the year drawn out. Drawing/Illustrating has become quite a regular thing over here and I will be working on the Cocoon story next up, a story of a cocoon who turns into a butterfly and a monkey, (where monkeys here share a significant meaning among the team and it has a story on itʼs on) :)

Apart from developing worksheets, a Tetun student, Iʼve been tasked to handle the bigger kids in the kids club, so I get a larger platform to put my language into use and a chef on Mondays and Thursdays for dinners.(Yeap, what an all rounded experience eh?) I became a part-time mommy too, as I carried Vanessa during bible study lesson, so Alloe could better concentrate while Vanessa slept on me. (*winks at Charissa and the shirt! :D )

So during bible study with the boys (student teachers), now in their uni year, are having it hard with the influx of philosophies around, being questioned if their religion is still real or valid in that sense and SL was sharing on how we should set our focus about the wisdom on the Lord kind of message. Suddenly at that moment, I realized just how similar or least the things that we young people go through as we are being bombarded by the many information around (philosophies/science/new religion/news/information) and again, reminded me of the importance of knowing and being rooted in the word. Hard to explain it into words but one of the many light bulb moments that makes me realize again why certain things has to be done and seen in a certain manner.

The weather has been getting really hot lately (Timorʼs heat is quite something really) and I have adopted new habits of having cold showers to feel nice and taking naps from time to time during the siesta timing after lunch to keep the energy levels up and I had a lovely surprise today! - I met Uncle Kim Chye today as he brought mangoes down from Liquica and I managed to give him a big hug, so good to see him, since Iʼve came here :) (Liquica is some drive away from Dili)

Things to pray for:
- Cocoon successful application as an NGO as it goes through the signing and the overall
procedures to be smooth
- For me to be coherent and have sufficient language to handle the bigger kids and the
giving out of instructions
- For Dawnʼs back, she suffers from a slip disc and from time to time, it seems to get a little painful for her
- Keep praying for the kids/youths and student teachers! God moves in different ways
among them and for my favourite boy - Atito, he turned up for kids class last Thursday
dressed smartly with a collar shirt and berms looking really dashing, is making efforts to
sing the songs being taught (which really isnʼt there when I first saw him) and he said
something nice to a girl beside, since the kids were supposed to give affirming words to
one another, sigh - so proud of him loh.
- If God could make it to have more clouds around, so the sun wouldnʼt be too glaring :D
Thatʼs it for now - time for bed and Iʼm getting sleepy, good nights and

Loves,
Joy Joy

Updates 5 - Happy 1 month to me!

2011-10-03T17:44:00.013+08:00

Ok, bad title but it is something, my brain isnʼt working much right now! This week has been a relatively different one from usual because I was invited by SL to head up to Siera (some place 40 minutes away Eastwards of Dili) and it is up on some hilly terrains, along with the church youths, they were having a retreat. I was a little apprehensive at first honestly, because what people do during retreats is that they hang out and language will be key to communication but I went in the end because of a persuasive SL and LS both felt it will be a great experience for me.

So away from the city life for a bit and the night was spent largely in the dark and candles because of the power outages. This place is a school set up by a Brazilian missionary, called Branca who has an amazing story of her work here. I think the exploratory team last year wanted to meet this particular missionary but somehow, didnʼt work out.

She has been on this land for 10 or more so years and have seen Timor through the separation with Indonesia in 1999 and then in 2006 again between
the East and West Timor. While many chose to evade in Timor, stood this lady who ministered to the locals as a refuge place, feeding them and providing them with shelter too. (ET exploratory team - remember what we talked about, that one woman who does ministry under some tree and perhaps some medical assistance to the locals and kids?!) It is really quite amazing meeting this woman! She is pretty famous over here in Timor but a relative unknown back at home but sheʼs a really nice and warm woman and when I heard her story, I canʼt help but realize how much she
really loves Timor and the people here, Godʼs love flowing in you, makes you do things out of this world!

Ok she led a prayer meeting and it was so amazing, how the youths sang their hearts out and in parts and how they all just broke out in one voice praying to God for Him to come and boy did He come! After worship, everyone was on their knees praying and pouring out their love and adoration for Him, that tangible presence of God, with one guitar and many
hungry hearts that were just yearning for Him. I stood there in awe and in marvel of what was happening and a privilege to just be a part of the experience of His faithfulness and love:)

Just when I thought that will have been pretty much it, the night was split up into a sharing night among the boys and the girls. In the dark, with a candle in the centre, the girls sat in a circle and started sharing about our struggles. I sat there listening, picking up whatever I can with key words like - Hirus, which literally means angry/anger that was frequently raised during the sharing. Then, I was invited by Pastor Acy (the pastor of the church) to pray and minister to the girls along with her, SL and another Kakak (sister) but sheʼs of aunty age lah.

It was pretty nerve wrecking trying to pray for a local here with my limited Bahasa/Tetun vocabulary but at that moment, there really wasnʼt much thinking to be done, I prayed in English in my main parts and just saying this 3 magical words - Maromak Hadomi Ita (God loves you) and Aman O Diak (Father You are Good). Aman O diak was a worship song I picked up after the weeks because of itʼs frequent
appearance in worship - that was all I had and that was all that was enough, God came and ministered to her as we stood and hugged. Praise God for being a God who never fails to surprise me and who truly knows our hearts, that crosses across any language or barriers! I do hope Iʼll be able to pray in Bahasa and Tetun in the days to come, that was something added to my to do list :)

This is how cooking is done with chopped firewood and 3 blocks of concrete as you can see on the foreground when you have no LPG gas, and this dome shaped looking thing is an oven! I havenʼt yet have a chance to try this mode of baking (behind the place where I stay now sits a bakery :D) but I know, the
pizza/bread will turn out really well speaking of which God has used this thing to speak to me in which I shall share if you do remember to ask me when I get back, it is just too much to type.

This is not a photostocked picture, as much as it looks really nice, it is my bible sitting on the floor in front of my mat, as I decided to experience what it is like reading in front of a candle and to journal a little and wonder was that how Paul felt when he was writing his many letters that eventually made up half of your new testament? Funny, but that was the exact thought that got into my head as I knelt down (it is the only way so you can see the words of the bible), quite an experience! Yeap, city kid slept on the floor too which I remembered telling God - “Please no bugs/rats running around me”, which God has answered.

On the road back down to Dili, I took this shot (yes, just for Darius and all of you la!), see how close it is to the edge downhill? :D If you arenʼt height conscious and can withstand the dusty roads (because most of the cars donʼt have their air-con working), your windows are down, you get a beautiful scenery if you drive uphills :) I love it, yeap, rugged terrains and 4x4s or pickups (hilux), and Godʼs creation underneath, splendid! (still waiting for my chance to drive around terrains like that, whereʼs my license?!)

PS: Sorry, photographs are all taken by a w810i, forgive the quality, Iʼm getting lazy, whipping out the DSLR.

This week has been mainly celebrating the childrenʼs birthday, that takes place usually at the end of the month! We did it twice this week, one during Thursday and another one today, in the afternoon because there is just that many kids :D I led the games of “catch the tail” which was fun watching them run around and so we sang happy birthday to the September babies and they get prayed for as part of the blessings :) Everyone gets to have eggs and milk too!

Do pray for:
- Successful application as Cocoon as an NGO (will pray the entire time till the application is through)
- Health check sometime soon, it will be smooth (last week was just the submission of documents!)
- Aze and Migi makes their debut tomorrow (they have been turned into worksheets too), pray for continual flow of wisdom and creativity for the creation of storyboards, ideas and games for the children
- Good health! (It has been good for a
change towards the end of the week, the best for quite a while and it feels great :) )

That will be it! Thanks for the prayer coverings, it makes a difference over here as God continues to move!

Loves, Joy Joy

Update 4

2011-10-03T17:34:00.005+08:00

This week has been a week of some more of creating materials and being with the kids. The Lion and Mouse story was still ongoing and we did the craft of a mouse finger puppet (seen here in Joyʼs hands). I have become a regular in starting off the welcome song section for the smaller kids and I was invited to read the story of the Lion and Mouse in English. Taught the smaller ones how to
sing the “I have 2 hands” song which was really quite funny with my limited Tetun. It is quite amusing watching how the kids program is done here with loads of songs, games, stories and repetitions.

I have also finished the drawings to the story of Aze and Migi, and finally - I have got the storyboards done in a sitting. Tedious in a sense that I havenʼt been drawing for a long time and doing it 4 hours in a shot was intense but very fun. The fat boy is Migi and the teachers decided to make him fat because of the culture of how fat kids often end up being laughed at and called names like - Panliero. It is a word used for everything under the sun, teachers pet, fat, loser but the word was meant to be used for guys who tend to be more feminine. So the story tells of how Aze, needed help (he fell from the Mikrolet) and how a rich man and a first in class classmate, refused to help him but an unexpected friend, Migi, helped him in the end.

The storyboards have been developed into worksheets for the kids, that will get them to color and to do handwriting exercises here like - friends, happy and sad. Haha, I completely do feel like a teacherʼs assistant here in which my teacher sister has giggled at me that I seem to be one sent on an “work” attachment from the big boss up there to where I am now.

Staff trainings are on Saturday mornings and I was helping out in teaching these teachers how to create a blog and the objective of the lesson was to help them realize that content on the internet is created by men and it can actually be factual or fictitious in that sense. See, coming here has made me realize (with explanations from SL)that the education system that we have, has built in us certain skills that we have taken very much for granted. How did we learn how to decipher how relevant the piece of information we are reading and I had this thought - I think our humanities subjects teaches us very well in that! So take heed all you students, weʼre learning good skills in school!

Highlights of this week will have to be our Bible Study we had with the student teachers - Francs, Alloe (as seen in the picture on the left) and Acasi. SL felt led to cook lunch for them and we had our bible study as usual. What soon became very obvious as the lesson ended and it was prayer time, was the presence of God that came and the spirit fell on SL as she
started praying for the Francs, how she sensed the Fatherʼs love for him and we managed to pray for one another. I joined in the prayers for the boys too as I sense their tender hearts yearning for the more of Him, that they will receive, experience and know the Fatherʼs love for them as they discover more of God, they will discover their identities in Him. I got prayed for too, Acasi prayed (among some of the things I can pick up with my small bits of Tetun) was that Iʼll pick it up soon, was a very heart warming time.

Team devotion prayer time on Saturday night was something too as we shared with one another what the Lord was doing in our midst and recognizing how He is moving (Ateto was really quiet during this week and super, duper well behaved, it is very hard to believe!) and just spent our time praying and worshipping, was again realizing who God is and who we are and allowing Him to have His way among us.

Things to pray for:

- Continue to uphold the teachers and students in prayer, God is moving and working in the midst of them, that they will know and experience Him more.

- Successful application of Cocoon as an NGO (the application processes here with the government tends to be very tedious), pray that the team will see through it and for a successful application result.

- I should be heading off for the medical checkup real soon, sometime this week for the application of the work visa (yeap, Iʼm on my 4th week here already!), please pray that the medical checkup will be smooth (I have heard horror stories of the drawing of blood, they tried on SL for like 10x la!) and that the application will be successful!

- I love prayers and do keep me in prayers very much especially for my health here, it is acting up here a lot (second bout of fever/sore throat in 3 weeks) and it takes a lot more effort to recover and to start on the rhythm of things again and having a clean bill of health, daily will help a lot. I have recovered from the fever from last night (thank you for praying :D), but yet to feel at my bes

- And the usual of in all things, for His love, favor and grace to flow, as I work with the kids or work on materials or help out in the training or teaching of the teachers.

Loves, Joy Joy

Updates 3 - Surprise, surprise!

2011-10-03T17:25:00.012+08:00

This is painful - I was supposedly almost done when my laptop died and my autosave function wasnʼt turned on. So here goes the second time round!

This week has been filled with squirts of surprises, pleasant ones of course! Meeting with the various ground workers working in Timor has always been an amazing experience for me, hearing how God has called, kept them and is moving in their lives, always brings such joy.

I met Naomi and Priscilla, whom I met the last time I was here and we had a barbecue dinner out at the beach. They minister to the PRC Chinese community here and they live just a road down from where I am now, donʼt we live in a very small world? They are such fun loving and warm people to hang out with! The barbecued dinner
was amazing since we neednʼt have to do any cooking and just dig into the glorious food which has such amazing squids, fishes and 3 layered pork :)

Half of Saturday was spent at the beach (which I visited last year too), with the youths of the Church of Nazarene that SL, LS and me attends, every Sunday. You see, where young people are, there is always bound to be games and we played this ridiculous looking relay game, where each team member had to grab an item that at the end of the day, you have a team member decked out in a helmet, sunglasses, jacket, a bag and running on the hot beach with a pair of flip flops!

I have been getting busier with the kids too, after being invited to lead the kids into singing the “I am Ready” song which is sung before the beginning of every lesson and is very much a part of the Cocoon culture here. It is actually to the tune of 3 tigers/三只老虎!

This is Caroll and Joy (我是大 Joy), and they are my favorites:) Joy is special because she only speaks Bahasa Indonesia and the classes are conducted in Tetun, so I usually hang around her to make sure she is comfortable, helping them with their coloring or writing exercises. She hasnʼt spoken anything to me yet and I am still waiting and wondering what her first words to me will be! Caroll is special to me since he is always in such amusement and childlike wonder whenever he colors and looks at you. Cute right?!

This is Ateto! He was specially assigned to me last week because of how special he is - He tends to go into his own world and it can get a little disruptive during lessons and I will be there to quieten him down.

He was quite a handful last week but this week, he is much better and has now won my heart, as we took a walk to the library as we held hands together, and he showed me the coins he had in his hands, as I watched him climbed unto higher platforms and then jump off to flat ground again, makes him adorable :)

Apart from that, I have been busy making friends with Mr Dictionary. I am still trying to grapple and learn Tetun, heh and it reminds me a lot of the days I was trying to learn Chinese, and I practically have to search for every word of a Friday weekly article to do my written assignments.

I was trying to translate a Tetun story that was written by SL/LS and draw storyboards for the stories to go unto big books, to be taught during the kids club.

So this is what I have been
busy and will be busy with for the upcoming weeks - Illustrating the characters of Aze, a rich man and Migi, the hero which has yet to be drawn. It has been real fun creating these characters and bringing them unto life as I discuss with SL/LS how they should
look like.

I actually havenʼt drawn at all since my failure of an entrance test to a media and arts program at NTU, 4 years back. I remembered as I drew my first stroke on a paper 2 days back, I remembered the failure but the thought of the kids (think of Carrol and Atetoʼs faces) made me finish what I wanted to depict and I am just glad it was well received by LS/SL who thought it looked really nice.

Just the start of the week, I was thinking how I could contribute and help in this Cocoon project and I was looking at some childrenʼs book and was actually just entertaining a random thought of - “wouldnʼt it be nice, if I could create/draw the pictures to a storybook?” and towards the end of the week, LS approached me if I would like to draw the pictures to a story they wrote, which is quite similar to the Samaritan woman but contextualized towards the local setting of things here.

As I spend my quiet moments with God, I realized how much He actually bothered about my random thoughts. It was not the first time but with it happening again always comes as a reminder of how much He knows me and my thoughts, that if it matters to me, it matters to Him.

I was looking at a word that was released to me 2 years back, from this lady (who doesnʼt know me at all), who saw me in a very colorful and creative environment and how God thinks I am a very creative person, how much joy I bring to Him and how proud of me He is.

I have come to realize how much I do enjoy creating, colors and just like the word she gave, “You are a creator, how much you like to go into new things, enjoy beautifying things and bringing hope to others/drawing beauty into the areas of my life”, I completely agree with the word and I think the greatest joy and fun is having the privilege of walking through what was just a world of words, into having it become a living reality and I am currently living in it and what I previously couldnʼt comprehend in full, now I am experiencing the context and fullness of things.

Someone often tells me how I should enjoy my time in Timor, and I am glad to say now, I am really living the time of my life, kids, colors, drawing, creating, blocks of quiet time to journal and read. It has only been coming 3 weeks here and I have seen a promise come to life! I am actually waiting for more to reveal and unveil to me, just wondering what else lies ahead of me :)

Just another note of how God knows me and wants me to know myself even more, He is faithful and has been ever so faithful and good to me here. Iʼve been having good reads here - The Genesee Diary by Henri J.M Nouwen. I do have this current interest in people spending some time of their lives in monastery and they journey on to realize the beauty and the art of solitude, quietness and a prayerful life and their insights into the word. Perhaps it is a reflection of what I am desiring and am seeking and working on in my life right now.

Thanks for all the prayers, keep them coming. Do pray for:
- Successful application of Cocoon as an NGO
- The Bible Study/Discipleship groups SL/LS has been leading, has been having breakthroughs, keep praying that the students/student teachers will experience Him and His love and be transformed by Him
- I will be leading to teach a song tomorrow during the kids club, pray it will be good and fun and in all that I do, be filled with His love and grace :)

Loves, Joy Joy

Second Updates - Life in Timor

2011-10-03T16:54:00.021+08:00

It has been a week and I figured a weekly update might do a better job of what takes place on a typical week. Hereʼs the neighborhood that I live in - Bairro Pitte. (Bai-ro Pit-teh) and that is Li Shan in the picture. Yes, it is kampong lifestyle with loads of dust, slippers, walking and chicken, pigs and dogs strolling around. We wear a cap around if you donʼt intend to get a tanned mark of your spectacles on your face, for vanityʼs sake.

This week has been observation week for me, of what takes place on a typical week at Cocoon as a teacher (Iʼm more of a teacher aide right now lah). Getting from home to our workplace is a short walk away, about the distance of walking from Little India MRT to church:) We donʼt really get around out of the area quite often unless there are some errands to be made and we will take a short taxi ride out, each at about USD$1-1.50 per ride, which runs by distance and not by the meter.

Thanks to the weather and lifestyle here, I usually am awake by 7.45am and by 8, I am sitting on a chair, chilling out with Li Shan (who is my house mate) and eating our cereal breakfast and a hot drink together. This new habit that I have cultivated, really took a couple of days to sink in, but once you got it, it actually isnʼt such a bad idea to start of your day, unhurriedly.

The day begins at 9, apart from staff devotion on Monday mornings, staff training on Saturday mornings and church on Sunday mornings, I will have my 1.5 hours of private Tetun lessons with Zeze every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday mornings. Lunch will be at nearby Warungs with every of the Cocoon teachers, at 11.30am and by 12.15am, everyone goes off for their time of Siesta. Unknown to us Singaporeans, it is the entire nationʼs culture here, that from 12-2pm, it is an official time of rest. Everyone heads back to their homes and literally, head home to rest,shower or take a nap and life begins at 2pm again. SL, LS and me usually ends up heading home, feeding Blackie with our lunch leftovers and eating some oranges and chilling around before heading back to the library again.

Classes starts at 3pm but the kids usually are in the library before that. Kids club falls on every Monday and Thursday. Tuesdays are when the kids just comes in to play some educational games on the computer. The pre-teens takes up the Wednesdays and Friday afternoons.

Kids club was fun being around, as the library will take a theme/ story for the entire month and for this month, it is the story of the lion and the mouse. A big book gets read in Tetun to all the kids seated on the floor and activities will be carried out thereafter. We made lion masks on Monday and I lent a hand in helping them cut out the lion masks, putting on the rubber bands and poking the eyes of the lion.
I love the games they have to teach the children on the numbers and words of the week. It is called hop scotch and the teachers will call out the words on the floor for the kids to identify where to hop next - explains why you see sheep, 10, 19, written on the floor, old school huh? :)

The 5-6.30pm slots will be taken up by the adults and it is done at a nearby primary school. For many who do not realize what lovely classrooms we have back at home, the chairs might fall away! That is Francs teaching the Module 1 lessons. They are a bunch of young adults that SL and LS has groomed, from being their students, to graduating to now, becoming on board as paid staff, teaching English to the community. Wednesday night was awesome as we had our Singaporean team devotion, where SL shared her thoughts and we worshipped. I havenʼt touched the guitar since I reached till that night where we sat together and just sang “This is My Desire” and “Jesus Lover of My Soul”. Somehow, in a foreign place and when I start singing something in a familiar language and something that has Jesus in it, always brings a refreshing take. LS went on to sing for me some worship songs in Bahasa Indonesia and Tetun that led on to us singing Kit Chanʼs “Home” in a foreign land, that had such a nice feel to it. We had our team prayer nights on Saturday. It is quite cool seeing how these Cocoon leads this entire project with such a holistic and wholesome feel to things.

Adjusting here hasnʼt been at all that bad apart from feeling sickly on Thursday as I took a day off to rest, but the first few nights were rough, not because I was thinking of home, but because of how the time before sleep is spent in your room, and since it is relatively quieter and darker on this side of earth, you actually make a choice of what to focus your thoughts on. I have started developing my favorite habit of digging into the word and journaling and that easily takes up at least 2 hours of my time before I head to bed. Journaling used to be out of a need to clear my thoughts but over here, it has been more than a need but a want and an enjoyment of writing.

Dinners are home cooked daily, which alternates between SL and LS. I added my touch on Friday and that is fried chye-sim (vegetables are extra fresh here, they whither by the end of the day) and black sauce-sesame oil with diced chicken and rice, so you get to see my face. It has made the mark and I brought a taste of Chwee-Chian down to Dili (with all the years of feeding on my momʼs cooked food).

Signing off with a picture taken with Pastor Dong and Susantha! Pastor Dong touched down yesterday and is doing his typical runs and called to meet us out for coffee. I thought I took a picture to commemorate just how one year ago, I was merely contemplating doing some missions here and now, here I am :)

Keep the prayers coming, for sustained good health and His love and joy to keep flowing, as I meet the kids/youths, learn the language and spend my own time being with Him. Maromak forbenza ita hotu hotu. (God Bless You All)! Loves, Joyce.

Updates 1 - Here in ET

2011-09-04T21:50:00.007+08:00

First Updates - Arrival in Timor

Ok, finally got here and the internet isnʼt really working really well, speed wise - will try to get another sim for it and attach myself to a prepaid internet plan soon. Have gotten a sim card and is one of the inexpensive ways of staying connected, not through data plans or whatsapp, but it is
back to old school style, of smsing (+6707641042). Iʼm running on my old SE W810i currently, since the BB is just way too complicated to get it to work here.

Spent the first day making a quick trip to the supermarket to get our drinking water supply topped up and being shown around the library and seeing how things run and attending a Evangelism on Campus workshop for the church youths that I had a chance seeing how far my Bahasa would go, since the trainers were from Malaysia.

Then it was home for a yummy dinner (flight food was bad) prepared by Siew Lee. I have intentionally placed this picture up to assure all my lovelies that I am eating and sleeping well here. There is really good soup cooked as you can see and a nice,thick comfy bed and a room to myself. It is where I managed to get some good rest of a short nap, feeding off 2 podcasts and some journaling and QT done today.

Starting out the habit of developing this inner sanctuary is still taking some time used to, the new environment, culture and language while keeping the old habits in.

Church was on today, so it is another experience of being in the midst of another of Godʼs family, pretty determined to learn the language, so I can understand what is going on and what is being sung. They use Easy Worship too so it is quite cool! Nights are usually dinners with Siew Lee (SL) and Li Shan (LS). Sunday nights comes with prayers to pray for.

Got a full week ahead while I start my first Tetun lesson this Wednesday morning. Be hanging around to watch goes on as an overview of what a typical week is like.

Pray for strength - I hope Iʼm not too old playing catchup with the kids and starting up a busier rhythm again after a month of rest, for grace and wisdom as I pick up the language (it can get a little frustrating when I end up being limited on my communication),and eyes being fixed upon Him.

When it is all quiet at night, it is not hard to be quiet, but a harder thing is making sure I listen to the right voice. Perhaps the frustrations/weaknesses/struggles starts making a point and how I must and need to even more so dig into the word and unto Him.

Having an ipod with music and podcasts is quite a life saver over here for me. More updates in time to come on what it is really gonna be like for a typical week. Bracing myself! Oh and meet my she friend who is a great companion and friend too - Blackie, reminds me alot of Lassie. Jesus knows what makes I love and need :)

*update with pictures!

thoughts :)

2011-08-24T02:05:00.002+08:00

Processing and Journeying

2011-08-11T15:32:00.000+08:00

Processing and Journeying

I can't say as my leave to East Timor approaches nearer, the sense of anticipation comes along with the feelings of the bit of nervousness, worry and a little reluctance to live certain people and relationships behind.

Yes, God says do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough worries for itself, but being a human and returning from Melaka, I cant help but realize the emotions that was stirring inside of me.

I know I had to get down and start processing my thoughts with Him since I didn't manage to do much of it when I was away from my room. I realize I do enjoy time to myself and it is important to me to have that window to myself before I sleep, it is like those private times that i can have my own freedom and space to do what i want to do without the hassles of not being under any watchful eyes. No private time out makes me grouchy. Funny though that I am able to spend most of the time with people for the day but must have my dose of private time to unwind before I turn in.

Perhaps the greatest thought at the back of my head is not about worrying what is going to happen in the next 6 month but what is going to happen after I return. While I have some brief ideas about what I will be doing, with the happenings on the global economy, I wonder what is going to be like. It does make me wonder and think about the things to come, to learn, to realize and to see.

Does the human race only learn in a given set of circumstances that we can only see and realize things when we are being pushed to a corner? Is hope only found when we are being challenged and faced by an impossible or difficult situation that will drive us to our knees to seek and cry out for a God out there who truly cares and has the ability to love us despite our many shortcomings and grant us that courage, strength and tenacity to overcome the odds that we face that we realize we are at our wits end that no science, maths or logical formulas and solutions can solve and that we realize we are not that great and in situations like these, realize the frailty and fragility of humans and our lives - "oh we are not as strong, as we think we are", Rich Mullins.

So I sit and ponder upon the rise and triumph of the human spirit that bonds and stirs our hearts as one together, that touches each other and gives strength to one another, to draw hope from one another to face the many tomorrow's courageously and full of faith regardless of what the odds are. Perhaps that is the beauty of humans - overcomers! The notion of families and communities, to genuinely care and love one another, to help and encourage one another. The stories of bravery, heroism, pain, sacrifice and rags to riches examples that causes us to still dream that these dreams can still be a possibility.

I know in times of hardships and uncertainties, the greatest men and women are formed. When we are placed in a world that the days seems hard to progress, we look upon someone around us who has that spark, passion and fuel that seems unnerving and honestly, someone to respect and admire because he or she possess something inside that we lack of and we see something we like and want! The inner sense of calm and peace in the midst of the storms, the sense of courage to stand for something they believe in, the sense of joy and hope that they possess and their acts of love to love the many around who are hard, difficult or neglected.

When a world goes so dead, I guess we need a revival that will not just wake our physical minds and bodies up, but one that will cause our spirit man to awake. One that will not be a momentary visit, but one that will seal you for eternity, when we awake and realize that aching void has a filler and we can be full and wholesome again. To realize, learn and to see things and matters in a different light, not to psyche yourself up for another day, but to see the needs that should matter above and beyond ourselves. Why certain things should matter and I somehow am going through why certain things should matter and that if it matters to me, it matters to Him.

Humility

2011-08-05T15:41:00.000+08:00

Humility

While chatting with Jie Jie, I realized another important virtue one should possess - humility. Above all, why God said we should fear Him apart from the obvious loving one another as Christ has loved us.

Humility is vital if we are ever going to develop or walk ourselves in that fullness of what He has desired or planned for us. If we are ever going to think that we have gotten it all, or know it all, is when the spirit of stupid has taken over us and we have just upgraded ourselves to a level of foolishness to ever think we have gotten there.

Humility promotes teachability that enables us to learn from one another, as iron sharpens iron, it is a two way relationship, that as we give and teach, we also receive and learn. If we will never humble ourselves, we will definitely miss out the greatest lessons from the people you would never ever think is able to impart or teach life's greatest lessons. At times, the greatest lessons of loyalty is taught by my favorite four-legged furry friend, Lassie and humility is taught by my many Indonesian helpers, but one stands out - Bak Indri.

Humility enables one to put others needs above one another, to lay down our lives for one another, to recognize that everyone, regardless of our age, race or nationality or walk of life, is able to contribute something to the body of Christ. We die to ourselves and recognize and look at one another, through the lens of His and treat one another the way He sees us, even when we hardly look like it currently, but because of the environment of hope, love and faith that has lived out now, we grow more and more like Him eventually as we journey on and eventually what was said and declared as a prophetic act becomes a reality, and we literally live a piece of Heaven, right down on earth.

Humility keeps us small, and humble so we will never forget who we are and who He is. So often we try to be this someone else, who's shoes always tends to be so big that we often end up feeling so disappointed because we never end up as close to what we thought or imagined. The demands and expectations that was built upon the mix of our own experiences and from the people that we deemed as important, end up hurting and haunting us and we end up settling for God's good plans instead His best.

Humility gives us strength and courage to move unto another day, since we know we are all still in the making, we are all imperfect. When we realize we are all still leaning, we all make plentiful of mistakes, it grants us the strength and courage to show grace to one another, to love one another even when we have committed some mistakes that might have hurt us, , forgiving one another becomes easier because we realize we are all still learning.

"If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and forgive their sin and heal their land.

Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayer that is made in this place.

For now I have chosen and consecrated this house that my name will may be there forever. My eyes and my heart will be there for all time."

- 2 Chronicles 7:14-16

If we could only see past ourselves and realize who we really are and who He is, and realize we really aren't at all that large but small.

If we could admit we need help and cry out for help and seek Him than pretending we could ever make it through without Him.

If we could put away our past hurts and judgements that we made and that were made against us, perhaps we could see things in a different perspective of what we were actually meant for.

If we would realize that the destination is not the point but just another point of a journey, He planned with you, so you could take a ride with Him and learn that the greatest beauty and purpose of men is to enjoy and glorify Him forever.

The beauty of Him still leaves me marveling at Him at the things He teaches, and reminds and the timing and how He does it, never fails to amuse me and a note to myself to never ever be full of yourself, but be filled with Him and the realization of just how much more I need of Him.

"Pride separates us from God and from each other."

Out of the ashes, arise!

2011-07-19T14:10:00.005+08:00

The beautifying factor of how everything just comes out beautiful, marvelous, good, everything that is well with your soul, I'm thankful, happy and glad and it pushes me on, unto what is next. Not so much about what is ahead, but the matter of making that plunge and that step to soar. It feels almost weird to get here, but you are and the next step will require even more faith and definitely greater commitments with being with Him.

What was deemed impossible 2 years ago, here i am standing, above all of them, that God has turned my then dream of an impossibility into a possibility, continues to move me, strike me, and I begin to question what else is impossible and turning it unto Him and watch Him move every mountain and boulder out of the way.

Reaching towards the end of this internship has been great fun, above all, having the chance to establish and build relationships and watch how the pastoral team works together, support one another, love one another and encourage one another. If you have been along side them, you will very much want to contend with them, for them. I believe they deserve so much more, so underrated and often overlooked that at times, I wish they were more well loved. But as the saying goes, I'm sure God sees them and will surely bless them richly.

The amount of toil, tears, sweat and prayers in their own bedrooms and private time with God, because of the nature of the work, the amount of man hours you plunge and literally make your "work", a part of your life, integrated into your schedule, and welcome every person as much as you can, to care after your sheeps, only speaks forth the love and care that CPC has been very well blessed with leaders, who has watched and have been a part of our past days till today.

It is something that the younger generation has been riding on, the prayers, love and dedication of many prayer warriors and faithful leaders, serving to see, the many next generations to rise and stand on their ceiling that becomes our floor, that we will arise and soar even higher.

If we would spend more time looking around in church and knowing our past from the older dudes and dudettes, we have so much in there and I suppose how can God not ever look with the church, and for us to realize how much more He has for everyone of us and for the church as a whole. Many of whom are still contending for since their days of youth, till where they are now, haha, never fails to amaze me :) For their love and dedication and their desire to see God's will on earth as it is in Heaven, for the many dreams, visions and revelations that He has planted into them years ago, seeing a fraction and a glimpse of it happening now. Can we ever not get excited for what He has installed for us?

It always gets me excited year in and out, where the glimpses increases more and more and you see even more of Him in our midst, transforming individual lives, changing families, where breakthroughs move on all levels, individually, corporately. He is invading our space and invading right into your hearts, wherever you are, whatever circumstances you are in, whatever you are going through, whatever past you have - It doesn't bother Him at all, He is still running after you and invading your space, right into your hearts and lives.

Taking a day off, have just spent yesterday and today, resting and reading, taking it slow. I wish I could do more of these, cause it is so refreshing to just be quiet and enjoy the stillness. Where the immense feel of peace and the thought of Him just enjoying You as you take delight in Him and I can really watch Him smiling down. I wish it will be forever like this ahaha.

In any cases, take faith and courage - the God we so love, is alive, yes, very much alive and kicking. He is gonna be doing so much more and I am really waiting for the day to watch that battle scene of Him coming on a white horse, clothed in a robe dripped with blood, along with an army clothed in fine linen, white and clean, following Him on white horses. And that battle, hahaha. Just massive! I was grinning as I read about it in Revelations this morning.

For the first time, reading revelations gets me all "oh yeah" and excited when I used to approach the book with fear, but like my favourite someone goes, "it is a book of hope". I used to go ew at the book and he'll tell me "really, look into it, it has so much hope in there". I remembered going "how on earth does that sound like hope to you?" to realize, yes it is that hope, of good triumphing over evil, because of a good God who loves us so much. How the battle will be won, it has all been written, how He will triumph, to rule and reign forever and enjoying the reunion and the companionship of Him forever. Oh yes - sweet.

It can never be down days all the time, there will be an ascension, we will fall, but rise and rise again till lambs become lions. I'm not saying it for the sake of it, but you won't be down all the time. that is the greatest beauty, where the weak says I am strong, when we arise again, growing stronger. There will be tears, but there will be a day where He'll wipe away your every tear, there will be no longer any pain or suffering. We don't have to wait till we die lah, I'm sure we can experience that in our earthly lives, of Him wiping away your tears, but the one day where not very nice things no longer exists :)

In all the greatest joy is living out the promises He has said and watching them come to past, is soo fun. To know what His desires are for me and to be living in the desires and plans He has for me, journeying every part of the way, every thought and emotion that I had, every struggle and weakness I have, how He turns everything I see that is ugly, unworthy, into what He sees me as beautiful, worthy and everything worth it, continues to amuse and amaze me, keeps me happy, even if man fails in pursuing you ahhaa, you can trust in this romancer - Always, always pursuing you :) I like it that way, and every girl loves to be pursued. Haha.

Holding onto Isaiah 45:2-3, because it has so much in there to me -

"I will go before you and level the exalted places. I will break in pieces the doors of bronze and cut through the bars of iron, I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in the secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord of God of Israel, who call you by name".

I'm still going forth, going in and journeying into the depths :) Take faith and courage!

the battle of unbelief

2011-06-22T13:00:00.002+08:00

I came face to face with him yesterday, stared at him straight in the eye and wondered, "what does it take to take him down?". His greatest strength? He stays on as long as you want him to and he is as powerful as you enable him to be.

Similar to hope, which redeems and gives you strength to live another day, unbelief is a destructive force of that it paralyses you, it leaves you hopeless, dry, dreamless, visionless and one that steals, kills and destroys.

This is not the first time I have met him but I do not like him at all. The best part of what he enjoys doing to me, is not taunting me, but taunting the very people around me, that has difficulties trying to hope and believe.

I stand at a point, where I know I do have a choice. I can choose to be that fool that many sees, that it is an impossible, faraway daydream that I have, that is never, ever going to make it.

I stand at a point, where I can choose to stop believing, give up, get out, and watch the people I love, get crushed by the impossibilities and the fears that many have, that nothing in their lives can be changed, that they are destined to be nothing great, and powerless people, contented with status quo, where their very dna, knows of a greater being and hope, of someone who sees, knows and loves them.

I stand, knowing that the key does not lie in my hands at all, but in the hands of the many individuals themselves, who has a choice. They can choose to live lives with the voices that tells them the lies that they are useless, not beautiful, every other thing or choose to hear and believe the words of Daddy that says who you are, how He sees you as.

A choice to live lives the way they know, they are unhappy about and one that yearns for a better change, but yet not knowing how to bring about that change but can choose to believe the great I am, that He is for us, He can do it for us and He is with us.

You kill me softly somewhere, somehow, but as I fall, I know I will arise again. "Rise and rise again till lambs become lions". I will choose to hold on to the very convictions of what He has told me and promised me.

I am at wars, while my physical mind and body tells me, I'm just battling a losing war, my spirit stands - relentless and in complete refusal that God will not just let things be. He is a God of breakthroughs, a God of change, a God of miracles, and a God who believes in us all, because He loves.

I'll fall, but may we all come back stronger, that the very same thing you struggle with, be the very thing you'll overcome, that you become that overcomer, that He lends strength to the weak.

Let the weak say I am strong, let the blind say I can see. In this fight, I can't help anyone fight but I can only continually, choose to either hope and believe and journey through with them, in a God who sees, loves and cares.

So today, my head sings "I stand amazed at the wonders, of Jesus the Nazareth, and wonder how He would love me..." and I'll proceed on to sing the precise thing I need now "I need you more".

After everything, I still love to say this - I still love you Jesus:)

and i will walk on water

2011-05-09T21:11:00.003+08:00

It has been awhile, blogging has been off the radar for a long time - I can't imagine how much I used to blog but a preference to jot down my thoughts all on a book now. Just thought of leaving some thoughts down as the night winds down, today's weather has been rather hot.

In any cases, I've been thinking how fast time flies and it is May already. I have made some mental notes and things to start kicking off on the plans to Timor. Funny how humans are, you would think initially that the dateline you tend to have is quite faraway, and by the time it starts kicking in, oops, I'm in the second week of May and emails have been sent and I've really been thinking and deliberating what am I really going to do.

Just when I'm into my 5th month working in church and thinking you've learnt a whole lot, I see another thrust into another depths of waters. In comes what you would like to be doing there and the things to prepare before you head there and the list goes on, I get a wake up call again, ok, time to suit up and get ready for the leap and jump.

It is always another jump of faith just when you ever thought things has been going on good and smooth, here comes another one, another leap and jump to take. Each time the amount of faith taken to take the step, I can only say, increases and the only pillar and source of strength and encouragement, is to only do it if I hear it from Him. I know with every step that I take, it can't be something that I do in my own accord of will and strength, but one that requires every bit of Him and His fingerprints and promises in it.

Like every natural being's nature when they sense danger, you either stumble and fall or you either turn your back and run away and flee from the very thing you were made or born to. You either run towards it or you keep running away from it. As the water level arises up to my knees, I know I am to take the dive, to submerge myself into it. Of course, there is a choice, of pulling myself out of the water, stepping right out on to dry land again and be in my comfort zone again, for the very fear of my life and the struggles that I deem as impossible to conquer.

Regardless of the outcome, I know He is always beside me, so it would seem more fun to be in the water and experience something more different that what being on land does. I actually love the word of water - though my physical body tells me otherwise and from a fact that I do not swim, somewhere inside me tells me I'll love the water actually, once I get past the fear and learn how to swim.

Every single time I think of water, I'll remember Jesus walking on water and I will almost instinctively think of Peter -

"Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water".

So He said, "Come." And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out saying, "Lord, save me!".

And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him, and said to him "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.

Matthew 14:28-31

I would imagine what it would have been if Peter had more faith and spent more time walking on the water, for it is the only one time you would hear of someone walking on the water, and what more, with the company of Jesus, hahaha. Maybe a round of catching, or perhaps a little twirl or walk down tour round the area and taking a different perspective and look at the lands ahead? The possibilities are endless!

And so here I am, as I start thinking and looking at what lies ahead, I love to go back to Him and ask Him what does He think, to hear Him, to be with Him and being with Him before I set out from that place again - for the greatest joy is not about what I do, but is in doing what He wills, that brings the greatest joy of journeying and being with Him.

So I sing - Lifehouse's Storm. I love listening to it at different times of my life, for it always bring another bout of emotions and perspective and take on the song that gives a different feel and flavor each time I listen to it.

and I will walk on water
and you will catch me if I fall
and I will get lost into your eyes
and everything will be alright
and everything will be alright

Choices

2011-02-28T19:00:00.002+08:00

I just realized how stubborn I was, unimaginable but rather capable of it once I set my mind on it to finish certain things that I do, I'll do it or have no rest. To only realize the consequences of it till I finish watching it, I start to think if it was worthwhile and pushing my body I sure do know how to do it, thinking you're still young and invincible. I laugh at myself as I felt Him saying "see how stubborn you are, really not giving up till you really collapse?" and that is the truth of me. Really not thinking much about things that I just want to have the best of everything which simply results in me eating into my sleeping time and Him reminding me of my limitations of my finite mortal body and it's capabilities of failing you if you don't look after it, and Him telling me "your body is a holy temple", I nodded and apologized as I went off to bed.

The saving grace is that I am not feverish so I am not too terribly grouchy but I realize the magnitude and that we will have to make choices and establishing certain disciplines if we desire to eanestly seek Him, if we are to truly desire after Him, then we will have to will ourselves to choose to give up certain pursuits so we're focused and not all over the place or spreading ourselves way too thin and to realize the importance of resting in His presence.

I realize how selfish humans are capable of - how often we desire intimacy but not willing to desire the portion of relationship. We all love shortcuts, we're all after the feel good but not desiring the things that might not be all about the feelings. Love to begin with, wasn't about feelings but of a commitment to each other, to spend time and enjoy each other, to be truthful and to share and be willing to learn and to accept each other. There, head knowledge but I often tend to wonder, how many strive to live it out in their earthly relationships and have a different perspective on God.

So when I'm capable in being so driven to catch Athena, if I could do the same drive in the things I should be doing, it would have just been great but have taken steps in sticking up the strips of magnetic papers up to jot my physical mind and note to myself of what I should be adopting more of - prayers.

I'll be good! Haha I promised, I'm sick of being sick to be reminded of what I should be doing:)

For He is relentless

2011-02-26T22:30:00.003+08:00

I heard Ganpaps using this word today, and the word in itself, sparked a whole list of thoughts in my head - Relentless. Yes for He is relentless, His personality is, the way He works is, and His love is relentless. Just spent the Saturday resting cause I need it and cause my body tells me too, fighting another bout of incoming flu but this time round, I'm fighting it cause hello, I just had it two weeks ago and really don't want t go through another tissue stopping time.

Feeling better, rested and when your body is rested, my mind tends to get active and haha, I was thinking of my twin and as I open up the comp to just watch an episode of Athena, I was thinking of you. Yes you've not been yourself and I miss the times of random chitter chatters that we have that seems like every other thing but when it stops, I start to think what's going on because I know something's not right cause you've been awfully quiet and the replies that you give tells me enough, you're not yourself.

Wished I was online but I'm only one me and I am human haha. It was a great time at City Space with a intimate time out with En Min and Jacob and when I said intimate, it is purely only because it is where everyone can be themselves, are themselves and we share our stories and perhaps in that sense, dreams. Being with people and just having the luxury of ease that people can be unpretentious gets be at ease of themselves, is one of the greatest joys of being around people, and the only reason why I believe it is the beauty of what we can call a community of people who really do share their lives. I don't need the deepest end of things but when everyone gets real, and is real, the genuineness is just so precious, savored and enjoyed. You don't have to try too hard to put on a mask or defense because there really isn't any need to because they are both all so dear to me.

I realized at the end of the end of the day, perhaps what makes me charming and yet at the same time, demanding, is purely because of the value I place in being real or genuine. It becomes demanding to those who can't be real or be themselves because I realized, I'm ok with anything, our failures, pasts, sins, but totally not okay when we have to pretend we're okay when I know we're not.

And perhaps that is why I realize it can be demanding but yet at the same time, to realize that it is okay to not be okay if we can be okay with it and do something in order to be okay about it. Cool, but yeah, so we all can be truthful and share what is really bothering us deep down, share our struggles, be real, do something about it and pray for each other. Somehow, someway, we'll fall short but we're all in the making.

Random, I am.

2011-02-21T13:15:00.002+08:00

I woke up thinking about pictures and colors and ended up looking at Nikon cams just to please my eyes and colors, the camera is able to capture like the current Canon camera won't do. Ended up staring at some more gears only to tell myself, I should just head outside and take some shots huh. :) I am so random and yes I shall just do that after doing some good amount of read ups eh :)

I must be funny.

I like the sound of "NEW"

2011-02-11T21:16:00.005+08:00

I was just checking when was the last time since I last blogged, and yes, it has been a long time. There are times where I should blog but I often end up journaling, as long as there is an outlet to release and pen down my thoughts that I can refer to, I'm fine.

And whoa, I often wonder how these random surfers chance upon this blog haha. But in any cases, hope you had fun around:)

Tons of happenings since December and as 2010 came to a close and interesting to see how my journey of bumping my way around has taught me and I have learnt alot. It has been a great eye opener and a time to challenge head on, every single doubt, myths, common beliefs, thoughts, emotions and convictions. It has been humbling but it is a time of what it feels like, as I chatted with Ganpaps, that I had this picture of myself. I saw myself like David, who was this humble, average, typical, shepherd boy, tending after his sheeps, nothing peculiar, easily overlooked but there, God had greater plans for him.

I guess we all have various training ground, and here I am. Whipping my catapult daily, and shooting random stones at the wool of sheeps, bleating around. Sounds ridiculous but eh, it is how I feel at times when I head in to work (just when i thought that is just a matter between me and God), someone has seen the face and does know how I feel. (craps, I can't hide under the radar of his eh? haha) But it was a good chat that as I talked (talking with him always makes me ponder more) and realize and how he often causes me to confront my thoughts or verbalize them.

In any cases, while talking I realized it is a time of figuring when it is time to head out from the place of rest, to "Go" and when it is time to head back high into the mountains and be there and pray or spend time communing with Him and how to do both and finding a balance and space for both to be lived out.

You can't do one without the other, and the need to live both out is important, otherwise we'll just be going based on needs/wants and merely going through activities and motions. That is to answer the portion of "Go"-ing and forgetting on the aspect of heading back up to the mountains.

Praying gives purpose and direction that I suppose steers the rudders of your ship as convictions are built and lived out from those periods of times that you cry out to Him. Directions and wisdom comes as you wait upon Him too :) So it is quite strange and odd that we do not spend that amount of time in the quiet places where the need is such a to-die-for.

It is never easy developing a heart for prayers but it comes, as you desire after it and hunger and thirst for it, it only becomes what should be and only natural. Never straight forward or easy but it is the fun of journeying through to realize what cannot be done by human's will but a thing of only what He can do. I guess the hunger is just brewing, and yeap, I can just imagine myself breaking forth till I can't take it anymore, intercessing more than never before, I'm left to be down on my knees weeping for the very people and things that stirs me and that He has convicted me with.

Scary and uhm, not quite me for now, but it'll be good since I always wonder what is it like spending hours and hours just praying and crying out loud. Reading and looking at pictures of people being so convicted about things, that they prostrate themselves on the floor and just weep about what is upon their hearts, always makes me go fwah about it. It is one matter to just know about it but but experiencing and doing it, are such complete matters and worlds apart, but the greatest joy, is always having the opportunity to experience and know what is on His mind and heart:)

Watch what your random thoughts say, so much so for "break my heart for what breaks yours" and think that no one hears, I'm pretty sure He does and He probably laughs at our very random remark that we shake it off and go "yeah right" and He goes "oh yes, you are right" and how things goes from there.

Enjoying every moment I can have a time out in my room just being quiet, at times reading, at times just listening to such love songs sung out - Misty Edwards - I am Yours, that moment is just soo sweet. Every single time I hear the very sound of the keys running in the song, I go "I wanna play and sing like that too", songs filled with such love and desire for the ultimate lover:)

Though I sleep, my heart is awake
Though It's night, on You I wait

(repeat)

It's been a long night, and I am weary
It's been a long time, and I am hungry
So I'll wait in the stillness again
I'll wait in the quiet again
For when I heard Your voice
When You said my name
When I heard Your voice
My heart it yearned

Beautiful and beautiful it is, I loop it over and over. Haha. And when I was googling on my thoughts on David.

"David was the eighth and youngest son of Jesse, from Bethlehem. He was a strong, healthy lad, apparently with an uncommon characteristic among his people of the time - red hair. He was a Shepherd from an early age, and developed his courage and fighting skills by defending the flocks from the wild animals, including lions and bears, that preyed upon them. The free time that being a shepherd provided also allowed him to develop two other skills, that of music and poetry. David was a warrior, and a writer of psalms."

Perhaps explains why I always love to have red hair? Jokes aside, but I love what was written on the free time aspect, it is what I love to do and am doing:D

Yes to rest now, hope flu bug leaves me, bye!

As God's children

2010-12-21T22:55:00.001+08:00

What is it being child-like:

Being secure in knowing who your Father is, in recognizing and resting in that security, that Daddy is always there, watching over you, there to comfort you and to catch you when you fall.

Your play area will be dependent on the amount you trust and feel secure in the presence of your Daddy. How far you'll go out or step out into your destiny, from your secret place, will be dependent on the times spent with the Father, in knowing who the Father is.

Perhaps this is the reason why Jesus spent so much time alone with the Father - He knew who His Father was and in that relationship, He was able to rest in that presence and peace that no matter what circumstances He faced, He knew who His Father was. He believe and trusted that the Father had the best plans for Him and when things were seemingly out of control for Him, He knew His Father was in control.

"Insecurity is wrong security exposed" - Bill Johnson

I guess when we fear, it brings about where our faith lacks and puts into perspective what we see a situation as a likely impossible or hopeless situation which often steals us of our faith, hope, peace and joy. As usual, faithless often robs, steals, kills and destroy.

It has been humbling drawing my lessons learnt from a little girl who was playing with her daddy and I realized what child like and innocence meant. Then it dawned unto me how much God loves to communicate with us through various mediums and the little girl was one of them. God definitely made His presence felt in Telunas though His creations of the birds, the skies, clouds, water and winds. Winds that blew that is almost unmistakable, just like how it is when I worship in my lavender room from time to time.

The greatest joy was being able to share my innermost worship with God to a congregation who hungers an yearns for Him, is a truly wonderful experience and the living out of "all creation bow down and worship Him", it's being the very reason why we are living and what we are living for - worshipping Him. Times when you can just go on forever, but only stopping due to time or our physical limitations of that it is time to sleep.

More of You and less of me, please:)

Whatchya Gonna Do

2010-11-19T14:18:00.004+08:00

I just received the news, the text. Wasn't at all surprising but I find myself asking, not why, but what am I going to do about it. I don't think I can do anything that would change the outcome since it isn't a question about me at all but about her.

I could offer my prayers, lend a listening ear, talk to you, be with you but that is pretty much it. I find myself questioning the scaredness of marriage. I know it is sacred, but to see it living it out in real life is an entirely different matter. Of course, everyone would love that it lasts forever but in my case, I see many of it falling apart, torn, broken, in shambles or in a state where married is just a term because the process of getting a divorce takes too much effort, procedures and costs, we stick to the status quo of "married".

I don't know or have all the answers as to why things/tradegies or things that we hope for, doesn't turn out the way we would like it to be but once again, it draws me to a point that everything, falls under the notion of change. Everything can change and my only saving grace comes from the fact that You never change and never fail.

I can only hold on to the one constant hope, that keeps me going, where all else is sinking sand and watch towers and fixtures, one after another, through the passage of time, wear and tear and eventually sink into a world of oblivion, like it never existed before.

I stand in this moment where I see history repeating one after another, three times in all within my family, when it comes to the word and topic of marriage, it somehow doesn't end up quite the rosy picture we all would love to hope for. I stand in this place to decide, if I should treat this entire marriage thing as a sham, another process that never works out fine that just appears to be a process of wooing you deeper and then setting you up for that "fatal blow" of failure.

I could choose to do that to logicalise the happenings that I see happening around me and deem that as a natural happening, since it is on a rise around the world, my situation merely becomes another number, a statistic to prove a fact.

I could do a million of things to self sabotage myself but then again, I've got nothing to lose and hope helps me push on to keep moving on to see what's in front of me, in time to come. To also mean that hope is all I have left and the only thing I have in me to keep me going, that helps keeps me sane and faithful.

It is my life's call, dream and purpose that all I would love to be known for, is to be a faithful lover of His, since the famous line that goes and we all would love to hear at the end of the race is to be rewarded with "good and faithful servant". Of course, more could be added to the line, but in simplified terms, it is just to be known as faithful.

Faithful because You've always been and not because I have, but because of You being who You are. I still love and trust, but my heart cries out to the many of the fatherless that is so prevalent and ponder upon the existence of Fathers and where have they all gone.

Sure there are the lovely fathers that I know and see and continue to be that awesome daddy that your dear children calls you :) You're doing an awesome job and for those who have fallen, there still is a chance and all is not lost. There are second chances and "second lives" if that is to say to be that awesome daddy, sure we all do make mistakes but do something about it, sincerity moves and speaks a thousand words as long as it is from the heart.

Let's walk through this again and Your presence will be greatly appreciated and loved :)

Rise and rise again till lambs become lions.

Loving You.

Goodbye TP

2010-11-15T16:47:00.002+08:00

It is a funny feeling with my last week @ Temasek Polytechnic this time round as a staff. Though I wasn't dealing with the students but with the older generation of men, who are keen in joining the security industry, it has been an experience :)

It is a time of mixed feelings that as I spent 14 months with the company, just imagining that 14 months ago, I was job hunting ans just wondering what I should be doing with my life and now it is time to say goodbye again.

Can't say I haven't learnt anything at all when working with Edwin has by far been one of the most exciting days at work. Meticulous, a keen eye for details guy who really has taught me to be more detailed in my work and not to be too careless/suay bian in my work.

Having the chance to see how hard the people from the lower income groups work so hard to provide a living themselves or people, that though they have reached past their retirement age, they still have to work to support themselves as for those who are less fortunate, that they say their kids are not reliable and to be safe to ensure they have a decent life. For the more fortunate, they are working simply to keep themselves nimble, being both mentally and physically active.

It puts a lot of things into perspective as you come into contact with people from all sorts of background, you take a look at ourselves, how prevalent the self seeking mentality and attitude we possess the at times, is quite irksome. We can't seem to get enough or be contented with what we have and often a times, chasing after the next technology gadget, latest fashion and trends, the next holiday, the next activity to pick up, another lesson, another hobby or another television drama to watch.

Self gratification and the need to feel good becomes a new language that everyone speaks and everything else becomes secondary. I think about the future of these younger generation who are grown and immersed in this culture that seems so natural and the only rightful and cool thing to do, I wonder what is going to happen to the older generation of our parents and grandparents and how will they be living in years to come =/

Life was much simpler back then. Jayson was saying how hard it is to chase the simpler pleasures of life and attaining things that seem much simpler.

So let's strip off everything we have, the status, glamour, riches, I wonder who we are and what do we become. Perhaps back to the basics where life was really all about surviving and meeting our most basic needs and perhaps the need of love.

The simple life seems so complicated now and almost impossible to attain for many, for many build their lives chasing after their next goals of wants, desires to needs.

Perhaps humans are actually very simple creatures but with time and to ease our boredom, how we've become so complicated as we come come with a never ending list of things to immerse or give our attention to.

What are we living for? :) Is a good thought today again. I'm just glad the exit interviewer today was a gracious man who least could understand my motives for leaving, in any cases, all is good.

Thank you :)

2010-11-15T12:52:00.002+08:00

I feel thankful to be alive, well and healthy and most importantly puke-less and spinned-head less. I'm thankful to be able to be alive and talking to the people who I love, just hearing their hi-s, i'm happy, glad and thankful enough.

Yesterday was a horrid food poisoning incident (my second with West Coast's Mac's Double Cheeseburger) that had me having a horrendous head spinning and puking feeling that left me very sick last night. I struggled to rest and was awoken thanks to my head and it was worse than the first time I had it, so bad I wanted to reach for a knife to wrist myself or knock my head against the wall cause of the bleeding and the adrenaline rush that will least bring that breath of relief. I don't know how many times I cried out for Jesus's name and I needed so badly a Father who could hold me down or least hold my hand and tell me it will all go away. Pain meter was the best at 8/10 i think last night (yes to pain threshold perhaps going up) lol, but I ended up calling the boyfriend, Darius who prayed and immediately after an amen, I reached for the bin to puke it but the head still spunned. I'm just glad to have awoken up today and is very much still alive and kicking.

I've never struggled so hard with pain before that I am even having the morbid thoughts of wristing myself/banging my head on the wall just to bleed so it can provide that momentary relief. Nothing was bringing me relief in my hour of struggle, I knew it would end at 430am but getting to pass by the time was another mad struggle. In the midst holding on to resist the urge on my bed while I went to grab the guitar in my delirious mode and tried to sing Jesus song, I couldn't even get the guitar to sound right and much less sing. Next alternative, grab the ipod, to get it on and place the speakers on and try to worship my way to bed.

I got tired gradually and cold, so i tugged in and drifted off to sleep. So happy to have awoken up feeling less spinn-ed head but I realised what I just went through in the early morning, I thought of you alot and yes, I do see how often after God stands at position one that I call out, the next person I'll always think of, is you. For the past 2 incidents, and how important you are to me and the amount of influence you have on me :) Any cases, praise God for the Boy who saved me by praying for me that helped alot. Thanks my knight :D It was good to hear his voice and when he prayed, the fervor lol and yes after he closed and said amen, i reached for the bin and puked it all out. So I was left to just deal with the crazy head.

It's all over and i'm still smiling at The Legends of The Guardian, thinking of Sorum and his little sister which are the cutest things that makes me smile and remind me daily, fight a good fight! Listening to my beloved Jacky Cheung, sings like a daddy :D heh heh. I'm like feeling all aww all over.

Finishing well

2010-11-08T10:04:00.003+08:00

It is always easy to start off well (i am a pretty good starter) but terrible at keeping things going in between and towards the end, I'll make a mad end dash towards the finishing line cause all I will want to do is just finish it good or bad, finishing is all I ever want to do sometimes.

Serving the final four weeks here has been harder than I thought, especially last week, where I kept falling ill and the flu that knocked me out for 4 days. It's a hard fought flu to recover from, to recover in time that I'll make it for the retreat (which does make me think if it was a good choice). All I know the past week has been a week of grace that brought me through and through, to have enough to make it through.

Talking to the boy yesterday has made me realised one thing - Base your life on emotions/feelings and watch your world swing from a week of faithful to a week of faithless, because it is what you think what it is. It reminded me of Eugene Peterson's - Getting to know your identity isn't about getting to know yourself but in knowing what God thinks of you, that you are transformed only when you know what your maker thinks of you. That will be the reason why you are living, discovering your calling and the gifts He has entrusted you with.

It doesn't matter how long you've been a christian, how many mission trips you have been, how much you know the bible but it is about your relationship you have with God. TMT 09 shirt spells it out, It isn't a religion but it is a relationship with God. Simple as it may sound but it baffles a whole lot of people that again and again, we try to fix God up in a box, tell Him a list of endless to do lists/excuses and boundaries and asking Him to work within it because that is what we signed up for.

So we worship/sing/pray, oh Lord be the centre, take us deeper, we want to see your face and when the opportunity rises, for it is what we have prayed and God comes in and tries to take us deeper, we freak out and tells Him a list of a million reasons why it can't be me/not me/i can't do it/my past/my failures. Everytime He tries to break the boxes again, we find another fig leaves/box to try to box Him up once again and to do it within our comfort levels again.

Again and again, the cycle goes, I sit and watch and realise, how classic we humans are, that we try to think of a billion "new" ways in being creative and coming up with stories into reasoning out with God why it can't be me.

It is scary to realise how much we spend our lives going through this cycle again and again, 3/4 of our lives fighting this, to realise the truth that I write in a yellow stickon note that I paste on my monitor that I stare at it each and every single day to remind myself as I start my day of work -

"Sometimes, some things can only be discovered through passionate pursuit and desperation" - Bill Johnson

Sometimes, we pray that we just want to seek His face/His presence, circumstances shows the heart of it why we are seeking His face/presence. When we want it hard enough, when we want Him hard enough that if we really aren't going to experience Him today, we're going to feel like we're better off dead, then perhaps we haven't really found the reason worth living for.

Talking to the boy always makes me realise more truths that as I talk it out to him and I myself reflect and realise the best advice and note to self every single day I awake, "fix your eyes on Him". It is that important and the moment we lose sight of Him, we lose sight of the very hope we carry each and everyday in us and we will forget to live from His presence and it is when we will settle for everything else because we have forgotten who He was and what He has said over us and what He has destined for us.

A momentary lapse, an endless cycle of scurry, a fall, a pick up and how we'll have to learn how to once again, fix our eyes on Him again. The biggest encouragement each and everytime you fall and have to pick yourself up again, is how much stronger you come back after you fall and how it etches a memory at the back of your head, a lesson of the importance of running with Him and along side Him.

By the grace of God, here is another day, waking up was a terrible pain and hard thing to do this morning I felt like giving it all up. Screw it, screw work. He somehow doesn't give up on me whenever I do and that is all that is sufficient to take me through, not because I can, but because He will.

Listening to Hillsongs - Yahweh (Hillsongs Chapel) version cause I heard Joel playing it during the retreat and how he was saying I'll like it. It is true, i like intimate/stripped bare and simple worship.

Reminds me of the greatness and how big you actually are, and who I am, in you. Did I say how I love the word and the name Yahweh. The depths and widths the name holds.

I love you, beautiful one.

You are worth much more

2010-10-25T21:59:00.002+08:00

The build up till today has made me realise who and what are the things that wrenches my heart and drives something to stir from within that literally drives you to your knees and cry out to Him. I've never felt anything like that but so far, I know there isn't alot of people who are able to do that in me.

As I was walking towards the bus stop that was near Collyer Quay, with the chill wind blowing around, my emotions were surging on the inside. I don't think you ever know if you have the ability to make me feel the way I do. I struggle, cause at the end of the day, we do share something going on. The times spent, the stories shared and the thoughts and heart felt emotions, they were real.

Before it reaches to deeper depths to the relationship, it takes a beating and situations happen and things changes. Hoping things would return to where it were but I guess as much as the time invested and poured out into the relationship, to hoping what are the things that one could expect out of it right now, isn't going to reap any outputs out.

Everything starts from ground zero again and everyone's on the floor now, picking each other up. Times have passed, situations have taken place, perhaps some parts of understanding we have of each other will be required to either be updated, realised and understood so we're able to pick each other and carry each other and run off again.

Perhaps if it was never to just be the way it was before, the relationship was not as deep as it is supposed to be.

It is the question if we are ever going to let each other in to each other's lives again and how deep is it going to be. It is never going to be very easy cause the next time round if we do make a chance and an invitation, you have known what the brunt and pain and the amount of hurt it is capable of will remind you of what a close relationship is suppose to mean.

This is the defining moment, we can all take time off for each other to heal but at the end of the day, the question still comes of where do we go from here after you do feel better and how far do you want to go from here.

No one can do this alone and we all are struggling. Being humans, who doesn't doubt when one experience pain and where pain is prevalent, sometimes you would love to make the easiest decision of just sitting by and watch, choose to be a bystander cause there isn't anything you can do to change anything, we stick to status quo where it is safe and comfortable and no further damage is inflicted onto each other.

You wonder are you the chosen one really, who's given the ability to speak into each other's life - can the relationship take it? If it isn't able to take it, it often leads to shattered pieces, disappointment, anger, resentment, broken hearts, hurt and someone has to come in and pick up the pieces. So is it the reason why groups needs overseers? haha.

-You are only able to love to the same extent you feel pain -Kris Vallotton

I remember we said we were suppose to walk each other through, how we got excited sharing about what we saw each other, and that very thing that drew us together would be the very thing that we argued about.

"How can that person say who he/she is when they are acting that way they are now".

No one can understand if we're gonna look into things in the physical eyes and make our very own theologies and assumptions cause our beloved limited mind cannot comprehend the magnitude of the promises that we have and kept in our hearts about the person.

Perhaps this is a transformation of our minds of each other, only then may we really learn to love and grow in maturity the way we should.

The only very thing that is going to work now is to focus once again on the things that brought us back together initially and start sharing what He is doing in our lives to rekindle again the love we have for Him and in each other's lives that we valued so much. There isn't any fast antidote but I believe the power of coming together, declaring, proclaiming and worshipping together as we always did would have done it. Mere dinners just have something missing.

It is when we stop talking about Him that we start filling our voids of other subjects cause being humans, we are relational.

It is when we know there is nothing we can do but everything a God can do. May we one day meet again and share the same passion and love for Him and one another again, to realise we do share the same goals and perceptions have never changed and live out the very promise that we said to each other and to share the greatest joy of walking and journeying each other on our exciting destinies.

I still remember who you are, and you are really going to be amazing, each and every one of you, cause you were born to rock.

I value your comments and cause of what you said, I didn't watch the movie, cause heh. i do believe what you say and shared.

When we prayed for her, it immediately brought back fond memories of TMT09 and I smiled cause it was the very thing that brought us together and what we shared.

Hillsongs - This is Our God album reminds me alot about you. Its the album we talked alot about. The Stand/You'll Come were like our theme songs. Nothing but the blood is always significant.

You live the reality that you believe, so which do you want to live in? We.

Live strong, stay strong

2010-10-16T20:59:00.002+08:00

Life has gotten alittle bit tougher in the mornings when I wake and before I sleep. Feels from time to time that I have been slammed by a flat, foldable chair on my back, that make you want to cry out in the morning or perhaps think twice before you start your day or perhaps think about what are you living another day for. Still surviving but the bus trip home made me really feel like I was going to collapse. A supposedly short ride home seemed to have taken a longer time or was it just me that I manage to plug into my iPod and rest for abit, and make my walk home. Decided to have some porridge for dinner though I thought heading straight for bed and sleep till tomorrow morning seems to be a nice idea.

I guess now that I'm done with dinner, downloading a couple of ads to read on what is going on with the world, unwind to some soaking music, I should be tucking in soon before waking up early tomorrow morning and do what I need to do. Weekends pass really fast and I thank God I neednt need to work this weekend as to what was planned. Good to spend good time with my love ones. Ones that always makes me want to hang out longer with them and never say goodbye, wished the day doesnt need to end.

Guess I'll turn in now and somehow I'm thinking of mr when dreams becomes reality, what else can you be living for. Hope you're ok man.

Bye bye Tiffany

2010-10-13T16:01:00.002+08:00

:( I'm soo sad today. soo soo sad, I think it's time to say goodbye to Tiffany. Sigh, I can't imagine how I just misplaced it just like that, all to do some dish washing and I can't exactly remember if I placed it into my pocket or above the microwave area.

No news from either side, it's been 3 days. Perhaps you're gone, perhaps this is some kind of closure for me, I realise I hold my bracelet/necklace very dear to me. If ever you do come back, I'll promise I'll keep you in my bag the next time round sigh. God, I want my bracelet back! :(

Faith, where art thou?

2010-10-04T09:59:00.001+08:00

Everytime I look at the time passing and it has past September already, I've past my one year at SII, survived a year of work life and passed it. Things that were deemed impossible, where it was so hard to walk through the first 6 months of it, I'm glad I got through it, every single day, pulling myself out of bed to work and trying to give it my all and understanding it all, where I was where I was and what He was trying to teach me.

The entire year of experience has been - being faithful with whatever you have and no matter of how much how little/small you think it is, watch how He works and multiplies on because of what you have and what you will to Him and how He grows purely because of your act of obedience and faith.

He honestly hasn't failed me at all, not for the entire year but He hasn't failed me at all for my 23 years of my life and how many times just due to some difficult circumstance, we suffer a momentary memory lapse and forget His goodness, promises and faithfulness.

I sit and ponder what on earth burns inside of me or wonder what is it gonna be like in the next couple of years. It's honestly all sketchy but I know it will be fun and very exciting (of course expect some knee jerks and hard circumstance) but journeying with Him doesn't make it at all too daunting.

Perhaps all I need is more faith and perhaps all I have to do is to trust Him even more and take the first step and dive in deep and watch what happens. It is very exciting times we're living in. I should draw more faith and yes, it is still in me and I still cry everytime I hear/watch of people coming into His presence and being in His presence, that majestic presence that makes you fall at your feet and that soft touch that you yearn for that when He comes and touches you, you become a pile of jello-mess.

I caught a glimpse of Your splendor
In the corner of my eye
The most beautiful thing I've ever seen
And it was like a flash of lightning
Reflected off the sky

I've one more worship list to come out with, and so what is gonna be on this list.. Hmm. Time to grab some food, I'm hungry again!

We all need each other

2010-09-15T01:21:00.003+08:00

So many things has happened these weeks, but I realised one lesson before leaving for Malaysia, was the importance of each person who call themselves the sons and daughters of the most high. I started to see even more of each person, why we were placed into relationships with each other.

Honestly, I've never been on a stage of relationship (apart from a lover) whereby I had one, this deep, intimate and close that yes, just by looking at their faces, I can tell what they are thinking and by the time we give an answer to our replies, they all coincide, same timing, same thoughts, same phrase, all at the same time. Yes, that is the impact of this special bond this bunch of people have and I treasure them with my life, perhaps due to the circumstances that we have journeyed through and is still journeying, but above all, the likeness of mind of how much more we just desire to seek His face, it is like a group of people who all they ever want, was to dwell in His courts forever.

These past few weeks that time has past, was all a reminder of the importance of what Love is. Love that is often misunderstood, desired or seek after, but few manage to find what the real meaning of it means. How humans were created with the innate desire to be loved and to love.

"And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. (3) If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13:1-3 ESV.

This bunch of people have taught me or have shown what is it like to love and in their very own ways, to love the Lord and be faithful with what the Lord has given them with. I appreciate and thank God for each one of them for they have taught me things that they believed and lived out in their daily lives, as we journey through our daily lives with one another.

Eunice - For your wisdom of your word and insights, it's amazing and refreshing
Alvin - For bringing heaven down onto earth each time you worship/call/pray, you are God's beloved son
En Min - For living a life of loving Jesus, of teaching me what the bride is and how one can fall head over heels and be intimate with Him
Cass - For seeing and sharing alot of things that the mere mind cannot see and understand, but the eyes of the heart can
Mark - For your prophetic words

I'm all still learning through each one of you but with each other, we have built each other up and helped one another gain another perspective in our walk of Him that we would otherwise take a much longer time to fulfill in this journey alone, all to help us grow deeper in our walks with Him, that the more you realise, the more you have to go and it only shows the glory and the infiniteness of Him.

As we each become the light of Him in each of your very own ways, may we never forget the seemingly least in our midst for the first shall be last, and the last shall be first, how each and everyone is important and there's a reason for each and everyone of you. May we continue to grow in love, for it is the greatest commandment, which is to love.

Sri Lanka Reflections

2010-08-30T15:48:00.001+08:00

I was supposed to have spent time to write on my reflections which is the typical upon returning from trips but I never ever got down to writing it so I might as well type it out as I zone out in front of my desk for the moment.

What did I bring back - being asked by the person who drove on sunday (*hints + winks), who was finding out deeper into many areas of my life, to which I replied, to be reminded of the simple joys of life as I hung out with the kids and to pursue and dream the dreams they had. Plus the great relationships built with Rumeeshi and her entire cool parents :) The cute kids and people met has all been great!

But I think what the Sri Lankans really taught me was the reverence they had for the Lord. No one told them what to do but the atttitude they had in their hearts as they approached the communion table was one who had deep respect, love and gratitude they had but at the same time, approaching it with such humility.

Every person from a different nation carries this very heart that you can see that is evident in the locals, because of the environment and the usual circumstance/struggles that one will typically go through (yes, though none is exactly the same). So yeah, I think their heart to really serve was really moving :) Through little notions and yes, being Asians as always, warm and are lovely hosts.

I missed Taylor, yeap, never crave so hard for a guitar cause there wasn't any that we brought over but I did manage to touch one for a bit for a while, to just sing and play and worship for abit :D So yes, I know I'll never be left for a week without a guitar by my side. So that will make a list of the bible, ipod and now Taylor :D Yes, my prized possessions.

So it is still getting used back to chinese/singaporean food again. Been eating rice and curry too often now and still shaken from eating terrible catered food for Saturday's lunch, it is still fresh in my memory. Yes, I thank God for food but i'm still searching for my yummy meal. ahaha! So my mind will understand that food is yummy.

So what to do when you just can't think of anything to eat, I'm eating junk of Ramly and some fried champedak. Very, very unhealthy. hur hur. I want to roll on my bed like now. That's where joy is now :D

Pain

2010-08-09T16:21:00.001+08:00

Pain is a very interesting matter. It either drives you towards a goal or drives you completely away from what you initially started out on or intended to.

Pain is like an indicator, it let's you know that there is something amiss, something's not right, you're not doing something right, something's wrong.

Once pain is felt, the discomfort it tells you, will either tell you to stop whatever you're doing and rest and when it heals, carry on with life and forget how the incident totally happened.

It could also push you on towards whatever you were working towards to so as to make your goal worth the efforts you've been spending on it.

It could also be your friend and company that you choose to befriend with, cause you got used to pain, you forgot what it was like without it and make you think that being in pain is natural and the normal.

So what is the natural? To be in pain or be pain free or continue fighting on and pressing on towards the goal despite pain, cause He will use the pain for good, if you trust Dr Jesus.

Its real hard and painful seeing someone you love be in pain and tell me say its normal, I'm fine and I don't need anyone. I wish I needn't care as if it isn't any of my business but it obviously fails, cause I was made the way I am. I cannot not care and it isn't a choice. Wake up your idea and start believing, what else can you be waking up for daily and not realise what's there more to be living without hope. Hope, love, peace, joy. Lose hope, lose all, kill joy. Is that natural? Cause everyone is in pain that's normal?

Will

2010-08-04T11:35:00.004+08:00

Tell me He isn't real, I'll beg to differ. I just happen to take a glance to the right of my screen to see what's the verse of the day, don't really do it daily, but as and whenever I blog, I took a glance. I love it when He reveals, a word is all I need. I was in a horrendous state this morning and I got a mail from Paris which is love really, thank you my dear Chass. I was relunctant to head to work, screw it, screw life, screw everything, I wanted my bed.

Didn't happen, I know that isn't it, but it felt real, or least the emotions felt like it gave me a warrant to do what I wanted. Screw it, headed off to the shower. Still felt dead, how am I going to get through the day. Dead.

Came out from the shower guess who greeted me, Lassie appeared magically in front of me. I didn't bring her up last night but she sat there, with her puppy face, smiling away, wagging her tail to greet you, Good Morning. Yes, of course I said good morning to her and ruffled her all over, and asked her "you figured eh?".

Ok I was feeling all sorts, the real struggle I figured wasn't about leaving anot, but the hardest struggle was to let my secret love/desire go. It was like I was supposed to let it go, so as to fit him. But I don't mind not going and I don't blame him, not angry at him, but I'll still keep my love, deep inside, whether or not ultimately I'll go, now or never, I'll still love it and I'll keep it.

So I plugged Misty into my ears and let it go, nothing happened, it was just music. Somewhere, somehow, the word "will" came out.

1st Verse: "Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven".

I know there's a significance in the word will and it is often emphasised, ready to do your will, your will be done. Tons of lines and I figured, that there are no impossibilities, the only possibility was your will, that will will the impossible to happen.

I realised how important that key is, the key to alot of things is your will. Legacies are left behind by a will, heaven's will be done, if you will, will yourself to take faith and stand in that position and draw what you see with the eyes of your faith, that faith gives birth to a whole new realm of impossibilities because it is what you thought was not possible. Impossibilities are merely what the logical mind cannot conceive based on circumstances.

Willing allows the environment for obedience to take place and the notion of surrender comes almost naturally, that leaves everything what a man cannot do naturally but what He can do naturally and I guess, it is the exponential for the boundless impossibilities to happen.

I'm willing for anything to happen and it doesn't matter whether or not I leave, but not leaving doesn't change the fact of what's in me, for what I love and my ultimate love. I know for there's a will, there's always a way. A way I don't know exactly how it is, I know it will be.

Don't look at what I do, cause at times, they don't make sense or they wouldn't make much sense. Look into my heart and there it is. Nothing's changed. First love you shall always be and no matter what circumstances is, I still love You.

There is more to life than a stability of a job, home, family, friends, safety, love or money. The seeming stability won't work for me, and I'm seeking where would that more be, that would be able to work for me and satisfy.

"Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me". - Pslams 51:12

Misty doesn't seem to sing things that makes sense on a daily basis, but I think she is awesome when you need that prophetic edge.

Faith

2010-08-01T19:15:00.001+08:00

I realised today that it is really easy to get disheartened, lose faith and just mull and sob and believe that there is nothing you can do.

It is easy to give up and lose all hope and faith, but the irony is that, faith is all you've got. What's there left if you lose faith? You stop hoping, you stop believing in people, you stop looking onto what He can do and you start looking at things based on your eyes and what you see. Next thing you know, you see nothing to believe in and start getting all cynical about everything cause you do not believe in hope or in faith anymore, you shut youself in, you think the worst of anything and every subject.

The downwards spiral, all cause you've lost faith. Nothing else I could do but pray, hope, wish and keep believing like I always do, cause I can't but He can. I thought getting by the papers was gonna make me rejoice and be glad. Now I've one more on hand. Discouraging, sad but I'll still choose what I always do, I choose to believe and have faith, its all I've got and its all I know. You know what's best and have plans to prosper and not to harm us.

Sometimes, it makes me wonder what size of a matter will really cause me to really stumble and fall, cause sometimes, it feels much easier to get swayed by your emotions and just quit believing. But if one doesn't press on, you're just gonna be a drifter, drifting along with life. I guess I rather fight till I die, till the very end, cause that's just You right? Fight the good fight, throw off everything that stumbles and run the race marked out for us. Give me strength once again to rise.

More time please?

2010-07-26T11:11:00.001+08:00

Finally, its done and paper submission brings back alot of memories. The longest writing on my own I've ever done, ahaha welcome. (Yes, we never needed to ever write that long a report individually) so this is welcome to earth, Joyce. Can totally catch a glimpse now of what's it like writing a book now and it is really not entirely an impossible feat to do, provided I do have a topic I feel strongly about. :D

Anyways, just glad to have one report done and its down to one more and I hope this one will be a good one, reading up more on Missiology. Taking 2 modules isn't a joke ahaha and what was I thinking? Makes me wanna laugh at myself from time to time but then again, what's done is done. Sober up, sometimes I wished I had more hours to my days so I could do more stuffies, like reading and sleeping more.

A Moment to Remember with Jung Woo Sung and Son Ye Jin is a good relive of old school memories and its funny how me and Ben Chan still cried despite watching it umpteen times, was a good time taking my mind off the typicals, watching it with En Min + Guan Yu.

And can I have time to finish The Mentalist S2 and House for the remaining S6 I've yet to watch and in there, sits my many movies too. Eeks, I'm lagging, come to think of it, I can typically fit an episode of House into some portable device. Hmms.

It'll be more reading and research time this afternoon, for time off. Isn't God always good at how He plans stuff:)

Sssh.

2010-07-24T20:52:00.002+08:00

Started another day today in the office, just with time spent thinking what i'm gonna be writing in the final portion of the report. Hopefully get to clear everything up by today. It has been some night yesterday, supposedly to have the prophetic painting but i guess its all too last minute, which ended up having lunch with Jason at Vivo and since he came all the way, we walked around just seeing what amuses us.

Its good somehow, cause it brought back memories of what I used to do :) Thank you:) I don't go shopping from malls to malls very often nowadays, but we just happened to head on to Vivo and Queensway to take a look at sneakers and bags, which he laughs at me how it seems i'm constantly looking at stuff to fit the boy. Yeah gaining ideas, but eh, haven't seen anything at all lah.

There'll be something I think I'll need to get serious on soon enough, but after I clear my one more written assignment, I'll give myself the allowance to really think what this is about. I know to the many things, I can only do so much but really, we'll just see how this is gonna go, and the many things only He can do and provide. So my gut feel on Thursday night was right :) Wasn't much of a surprise and really all that was expected since the answer of yes came and your willing, no one's to complain.

Cooked dinner for today, turned out not too bad, watched an episode of House and it made me feel for House again, mean on the outside, soft on the inside. He's a real sweetie pie. Its tempting to move on to more episodes but haiyo, let's just clear this and get this done. Good music please and music like Johnathan David Helser.

To know You, know Your will, and know Your heart, i hope the equation remains and not get changed with the passage of time and circumstance when there's this Plan B mentality, lets go. No more Plan B. Its do or none. It seems duper easy to device a back up plan to save yourself and go through another need of unnecessary run, to avoid and buy time, and lose the point of what He meant it to be. Tempting but pointless.

What a Day!

2010-07-23T10:27:00.001+08:00

A week has passed, and since yesterday, particularly for the day of yesterday, I've decided to remain silent. Comments were passed and everytime there's a discussion of the table on why I am not eating meat, Mom will start ranting about how inconsiderate about not informing cause no one knows when I end fast or as to when I can take meat, so for the umpteen times, my sis will always say I'm on vegetarian fast. I'm sick of telling my part of the story or seek people's understanding anymore, anything you say, that it shall be final. Doesn't kill me but it's sad when all I can say, you've forgotten. It is not the first time and how she used to rejoice about the notion of fasting during the same time last year, perhaps, i'm too much of a sore that she's not on it? *chuckles*.

It's just how everyone in the house so desires to be heard, and the problem starts when everyone insists of making their point known. Happens a hell lot to the leaders of the house, both of them, fighting to make a point known, fighting to be heard. Funny thing is that there is so much air time, that when it is time for them to air their opinions, they decide to be quiet, and when you just want to have your peaceful time, everything gets dug out and how they start airing their dislikes on you when its late at night, when she finishes her clockwork of her television schedules.

It's sad, almost tragic but seeing an example of religions taking play than a life truly being transformed. She has decided not to go for missions anymore cause, cited reasons like "I don't like Egypt...", listening to the horror stories of trippers from her church sharing how many often end up having bad experiences or misfortunes happening to them when they return. It is anger when I hear cause at times you want to challenge, is our God that small? But prefers to take a quieter approach cause how often my head on, confrontational approach don't go very well.

So silence, is my preferred mode now, perhaps that's why I've grown quieter, how some people have said how I'm strangely quieter now. Ahaha. Yeah, its good to just be silent and watch, listen and pay attention more to the things going on and see things unfolding before your very eyes.

I must say what a strange day yesterday was for me, how I actually slept at 9pm. The tiredness just grew and multiplied as I got home and I remembered thinking how strange it is cause for the entire day, I was feeling fine that it totally didn't make any sense of it all. Then the dinner table incident, I decided to switch to the dining table and just have my meal and read the papers. The first question that came to my head, was really, what on earth is going on, yes on me and around the world. Oil spills in the US and China, floods around Asia, hot temperature in Japan, uber cold temperatures in South America that it is below minus and how many people are freezing out there in the streets.

By the end of the reading session, I knew I set myself to finish the portion of culture in my Buddhism paper I was to write, but honestly, all the energy I had left was sufficient to journal down my thoughts in the head and remembering how much I was questioning Him and how much I would love to know what He was thinking and then drifting off to sleep shortly. What was intended to be a nap went into a full 7 hour rest that I woke up at 4am, realising that I still had work undone but was still feeling sleepy, so I made the alarm clock to ring at 5.30am to complete the remaining 800 word count to the topic. All I knew I was feeling super duper tired and was feeling terribly sad and grieved I had no clue why.

That was all I remembered and waking up at 6am feeling much happier and back to myself and wondered what last night's entire episode was about. Managed to finish up what was good by 745am and prepapred for work all right to normal apart from a little rush. God is good and i'm still wondering what it was all about as I was connecting the dots to the pink skies scene I remembered journalling 2 entries before, about how I feel something bad's gonna happen before something's good gonna happen. I'm wondering what's the bad and good through it all, what's the intended effect. I drew that conclusion from what Alvin drew on his art, on pink clouds and a crown of thorns, it had to be the strangest color for clouds but we saw the exact same picture days later and remembering how I felt dreadful on first glance but peace later. Not long, I drew links to blood which often meant oh, CLEANSING and a sacrifice. The word cleansing just came. ahaha, cool.

Funny how I'm going, I'm gonna figure this one out even if it is gonna take me the entire day and how it just took place in seconds. Love it:) Love to sit down and jot my thoughts down.

Sometimes it does get real pek chek

2010-07-15T21:18:00.001+08:00

Being at home, blogging off the mac for the first time should be a happy affair but I have to say how this entire new connection change from Starhub to Singtel is causing everyone abit of frustrations. Cause of the ridiculous router range and how big this house is, its just nearly impossible to suit the needs of everyone and honestly, it feels we're back to square one, when i went to Sim Lim to get the wireless N router to fit the modem and get the modem changed from the integrated Motorola router to the modem and router done seperately. Now, the Wireless N router is all left to become a potted plant/white elephant in the house.

Just finding an outlet to vent the frustration cause this simple change has been going on for 2 weeks and its still being dragged on and I'm tired of hearing the nonsense of it all. Everyone wants something for their own convenience, and the Mio honestly doesn't fit anyone's needs at it, cause Dad intends to get the all in one package to save some funds. Honestly, this is driving me to the telco to get a data plan so i can get a dedicated connection just to have the internet as and whenever. Its almost impossible to work on this network.

Things are so not working out and i'm just so in no mood to get my report done up. I have got new glasses done but everything just seems to be done in like some kind of motions, the emotions are all missing. I think i'm really sick of feeling anything for now in regards to this wireless and matters of this house. Every shit/change that happens becomes my responsibility that I have to know how to fix it cause I have a solution to everything. In terms of things at home, sometimes I'm sick of knowing and I don't want to know, cause once I know, or honestly, even if I don't, I still end up knowing and having to think of solutions to fix things up.

A Little Bit Emotional

2010-07-04T00:43:00.001+08:00

This whole week has been rather crazy in terms of the number of days worked. Made me feel like I wasn't some kind of full time worker but some student for a moment. There was block modules for Holy Spirits and Missions from Thurs - Sat, from 830am to 530pm and honestly isn't easy just concentrating for full blocks of lessons and it often leaves you real tired by the time you get home and when its past weekend.

Not sure if its sad my week is coming to an end, of my part time student experience or is it due to Vin"s departure for KL. Starting to feel it now and it reminds me when En Min was about to head off for her exchange program. There is that tad sense of sadness and it made me realise that people will have to leave at the climax when we're really on good terms and relationship with one another.

But its ok, I take comfort in the sense that he is away on some terms that its gonna be a good time for him as he chases after his dreams and live the dreams.

Can't seem to get deep into worship with Taylor just now, just feels like something is missing.

Happenings of late

2010-06-28T09:59:00.000+08:00

Finally time off to jot down my thoughts for a bit this whole entire weekend. Its been rather remarkable in it's own sense since I think there was breakthrough in its own ways. Dad thanked me for his red polo shirt (which i'm still very proud of, i think its HEN MEI lah - thank you Alvin + En Min), and I realised he was capable of being nice and sweet. Breakthrough in its own ways in terms of the girls, and Jason. Its definitely nice to see people opening up more and we having more contact with each other to really know each other more.

So its been good and God is good, having my new lcd monitor and wireless keyboard and mouse set up. New workstation and a complete whole different feel and thanks to my new workstation which garnered my brother's attention and we were talking about football and computers. Boys. I thought I'll leave something down to just keep me reminded of just what's been happening. Sometimes, it is really just alot of things going on. Writing keeps you in check.

I still enjoy doing what I do

2010-06-24T20:39:00.000+08:00

I realised while carrying Taylor out today, after work where the admin side realised I play the guitar rather often, it gathers a lot of attention cause its a Taylor. The brown bag gets talked about cause its not a typical guitar bag color and its hard to miss cause Taylor's logo is printed in front of the bag.

2. People don't carry Taylors and take public transport, cause I believe many cab/drives. So far, I've only seen people carrying BT/BBTs only, which mine happens to be one too.

So yes, people have realised that as a girl, I have splurged on one which I suppose its really just that few girls who spends on a guitar.

So while walking, I realised I'm quite some strange person who still travels on public transport with my guitar around. I used to find it troublesome but have gotten past it to handle it, that it is actually relatively easy.

Been doing it since I was 17? And I'm still doing it till today. I do realise I still do enjoy worshipping and walking around the guitar with it. Somehow, I do feel real attached to Taylor, like its almost something natural to do.

I'll walk on, take him to places we both have not been before, and there. Start singing our love songs to our beloved. I really still do feel blessed and its still one of my dreams. I still do remember and I'm still running after it. loves.

tired/restless/sianness

2010-05-21T04:10:00.000+08:00

Hmm, my long type of my previous post didn't get saved or posted up. I was trying to say that this week has been a real tired one for me, or least one that left me perpetually tired or dozing off to sleep the moment my mind decides to drift off to sleep. Its been quite bad in that sense cause it leaves me unproductive, I'm hoping to clear some readings on Saturday.

I fell asleep at 1030pm just now, waking up at 330am, probably the body clock telling itself to wake since 5 hrs is the base for me. Gonna head back to sleep.

Can't wait to spend time with my loves cause it never fails to be a great time everytime we hang together and we can talk about what we love most and it can really come to no end and perhaps shed abit more light on this week's going through.

Just thank God for His grace that brought me through the week. Through the many times I felt like giving up or screwing myself up when it seems logical for the moment, only cause that's how you've been feeling the entire week, it could make you feel good for then. Just glad I didn't do anything stupid cause I know I'll be kicking myself over it now.

16 years on

2010-05-10T10:28:00.002+08:00

I woke up today feeling like I just arose out from a pool of water and took my first breath of air. Looked around, trying to figure out if I have overslept, it was just nearing 7am, on time for work. The thought has been nagging me, after having picked up some stuff in Jie's car yesterday whilst grabbing some packed food home. It broke, but this morning I was rather confused, I was feeing physically refreshed, which has been the first since the past 2 weeks but my mind was in a whirl though which was rather strange.

I suddenly had a range of thoughts that ranged from "you should just shut your mouth" to the scenes of the misunderstandings I had with people to thinking, I think I'm just being oversensitive on my sensing, perhaps its not the people who has a problem, the problem was me.

So all the thoughts lasted all through my shower, and I left home knowing I can't go on like this, but I know I could shut my gap up. So i went into a mode of elusiveness. Decided not to do anything but just allow some music to just minister and sing and be reminded of some truths and facts again while I headed to work. I reached office in no time and it seemed like the entire time, I was in a daze. Yeah my entire mind was fixed on nothing but Him. Its the only thing that keeps me going everyday and perhaps sane every morning.

I reached office and placed my bag down, thinking what I have to do ahead of the day. I chanced upon Janna's link that she posted on Saturday when I saw the video on Bryan Adams, enough to click that left me feeling all nostalgic. I suddenly had memories of what I used to like since I was young, yes, I listened to Bryan Adams while growing up with mom in her room and both of us singing together, that BA was a handsome young man, with a deep, grunge voice, who plays a guitar and wins the heart of all girls. I was then 7-8, and yes, I sang to every song on BA's CDs that Mom had.

I think the thought ever did occur to me that I wanted to play a guitar but never got anywhere, cause it was a stringed instrument and I had bad brushes and experiences with the Chinese Orchestra that I vowed I will never pick any stringed instrument anymore.

A random comment I said nearly 16 years ago, till Janna said, play BA's - Heaven on a guitar for her to hear, I realised, hey, I could really do a BA song and play a guitar. I could now pick up a guitar, sing a song and yes, how far I've come. From humble beginnings of a Yamaha, I do have a guitar I can say I truly love and its a Taylor. Knowing nothing on guitars back then, I never knew what BA played on, till today, he plays Martin/Gretches/Fenders. :) I realied he's so into photography and I realised what makes me attracted to people and in awe of them, are just people who has never stopped creating and pursuing their loves with such passion, draws me.

Back then, when I was 7-8, i was a dreamer, i dreamt. Through the years, living in my current age of 23, it donned upon me that perhaps I should quit dreaming and really start pursuing the dreams I always had. Not that I have not achieved any, but the realisation that I'm living in it, living in days of achieving and making my dreams come true, certainly brings me great delight and joy. I realised I never forget what I ever said or dreamt about, cause I love holding accountable to what I say. I realised some of my loves, thoughts and dreams have never really changed at all, all through the years.

In any cases, it made me thought of the things I'm doing now and the things that I've always been dreaming to just have some reality check. I'm still gonna continue doing what I always do, and those thoughts in my head, were just concerns for people, that if I was really concerned over all those people, I should get them out and have a good talk with them and share. Nothing beats from hearing from the horse's mouth and I do realise that the power of the tongue can rather be a brutal thing. Times I wished I would have talked less and learnt to listen more. But its a lesson, the art of listening and leaving things the way they were. I'll try to remember it again the next time round. Perhaps age is an excuse of forgetfullness or a carelessness or to allow a slip of tongue for a moment, that causes a longer period of misforgivings or grievances. I'm still learning and so bear along with me, I'll work towards a no more next time.

In all, i'm still reminded of my loves, and its encouraging to know that some things just don't change. I still love and am drawn to men who are talented, loves music, photography but it doesn't matter when all I see, is men who are passionate over the things they love, and they take pursuit. The courageous ones who will give anything up for the pursuit of their loves, I respect and am gonna keep on running and focus on my loves.

Yes, I still love You all these years, and thank you for always watching over me, being my #1 fan, audience and Father, watching over me. You got me thinking and reflecting this morning again. It is the summation of everything that has been going on for the past 3 months I believe, watching my entire life pass me by and realise what I was thinking and experiencing on my past and my present, all coming together as one. It is awesome days I'm living in. And it leaves me simply awestruck at Your works.

When server gets too busy!

2010-03-18T11:28:00.003+08:00

This has to be one of the funniest thing that can happen. I thought twitter did this well with a tinge of humor. ahahah! :) gah, its quite a torture to be having flu to be stucked in an air conditioned environment. I've never craved fresh air as much as this.

East Timor.

2010-03-10T14:32:00.002+08:00

am i suppose to be glad?

2010-02-26T14:47:00.004+08:00

Hah, another irony that happened was being told by your supervisor that when I return from my trip, would be added on thingies to do to my job scope. AHAHHA. I seriously don't know if I should " Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" ahahah. Oh, and guess who I took the quote from? Its quite funny how timely things works and I pondered about it, I guess, I should be happy :)

But in any cases, in moments of extreme coldness and inactivity and the temptation to doze off gets extremely high after a meal, I start thinking alot after that, after waking up from my sleepy consciousness. So there's quite suddenly abit of thoughts going in, but I guess, anxiety has just said hi to me.

And after hitting the "Publish Post" button and reading the things I leave on my blog, just under the banner, I thought to myself, where has faith gone. If faith is the assurance in the things unseen, and the conviction of things unseen, i'm reminded again of not just living a life based on what you see with your physical eyes, but be reminded what I should be fixing my eyes on once again. The promises, the goodness, that at times are just so easily overlooked once the boat gets rocked and hits a little bump, its so easy to hit the panic button. I laugh at myself at times, how easy it takes at times to just cause a ripple effect in me. And it reminds me once again, what I should be doing. Its simply running back to him cause its just how inadequate I am, and how sufficient he is.

Humans can be rather contridictory

2010-02-10T09:10:00.003+08:00

I think I've wrote on this a billion of times, but I must say, funny how I was younger, I always wanted to be bigger, older, earning my keep, cause it seems so good to have the ability to get what you want. Then as I got older, I'm praying or rather hoping that growth stops at my current age, that I don't want to know anymore. AHAHAA.

So while I was returning home on Monday evening, I was having these thoughts in my head. Was I too naive to have believed what adults have made believe, or has the adults been too convincing and real to have made it seen, being a grown up was a good thing or the place or person to be.

Lately, I'm being reminded alot of the things I've said or thought and believed, since I was young. Cause I'm now seeing them all come to past, through the passage of time, and through the process of maturing or growing up. When life gets tough, or it becomes undesirable, one just want to revert back to the way where life was much simpler, where it was much joy-filled, play all day, worryless and pretty much effortless in that sense.

I start to respect many for those who have been working for some 20-30 years of their life, and often atimes, always ask "what keeps you going? what now? how did you manage to?" And the reply I often get "you just do it", "there isn't much of a choice".

So I concluded that the younger generation nowdays, we love making choices. Making the choice to decide what we want to do, go about our lives, where every nitty grittys requires our attention to. But often a times, we like to think there's a choice to work, probably because many comes from pretty well-to-do background, that doesn't require you to work for survival.

Seems like when our needs are based on different requirements (eg. think marslow), our motivating factor or driving force to work and how we do differs greatly. At times, one wish your situation didn't give you a choice, so your everyday then would have passed much easier, cause you don't figure much, you just work and get by it to have food on the table and enough to pay your utilities. Then again, life would have been way harder, cause it barely leaves you with sufficient to get what you want or likely eat the many yummy food that costs more than $2-$3.50 for a meal.

So above everything, having joy and living through each day, brings much more meaning. That it helps for me, knowing the promises and the callings He has called upon years and years ago. It makes me smile that I thank God, that I can really do what I really desired.

I've been thinking alot about my current job, is it time to move on or whatsoever. But I realised what this jobs gives me, alot of freedom. Freedom at the back of my head to think and figure in between doing my tasks, conversing. That actually the moment I head home, I actually do have alot of energy left to do what I really want. Like of late, its going back to designing again. I left it so long time ago, but its now back. I left it on the shelf 2 years back, deciding that its probably not for me.

But I've suprised myself in coming out designs that I like (which is quite rare). I found the fonts, the feel I always wanted, that I found it out accidentally while hitting the Bold for TW Condensed. Its a cute look. Certain things doesn't change, my love for red, orange, white and black when they all come together. But certain ways of doing it has changed, that I've learnt on my job here from my Director. Of using guides/rulers around to help in the alignment :)

And I was just messing around at Loo Mt, when I was thinking, how far do I wanna go on this free-lance. Staring at photography / design. The possibilities are really endless, and its really up to me to go and test and see how far this two loves go. I realised, often atimes, I'm just too lazy. But a little nudge/poke/spank does a good job. A reminder to who I am, what I love, and what i love to do. Can't feel more alive than anything, reminding myself of my desires.

bye samsung

2010-02-10T00:30:00.003+08:00

its honestly quite sad that i sold my htc touch 3g to get a qwerty phone, cause i missed the feel of buttons.

I got a samsung b7320 and within 3 weeks, it was lost. I lost all my contacts and the phone. Now, it just seems like i lost all interest in one, and all it seems, is that i want a phone that has qwerty, has wifi on it and a decent screen. Sigh. I need a new love though i havent chance upon any I fancy. I'm tired and i'm heading to bed.

its been nearly 12 years

2010-01-28T12:26:00.004+08:00

Its funny how i can still remember the things that i remember watching the details when i was younger, like I was 5-6 up till today. I love watching old dramas especially local ones, and guessing the era in which they were probably made. Cause the clothes, fashion, bags, cars and mobile phones gives it all away! AHAHHAA.

But its amusing to watch how many local stars, the then-in ones are still currently with Mediacorp or wondering, if they're not anymore, where are they now! I'm just so curious as to matters like this, especially when there's the concern of the passage of time, where are you now, what are you doing, how have you been, what has been going on? You know the developments and stories that has built them up to where they are now, I love that stuff.

But in any cases, today has been a start of with pain. I can't imagine when was the last time I had pain like this, and the source comes from just a finger from my right hand. Its amazing how that tiny thing can cause such pain that can wake me up from my sleep, that I had to grab an ice to provide some comfort. I actually thought about putting pressure on it with tapes, wrapped round the swell but it just got worse. Maybe I did it wrongly, but hoo, pain does make you feel high. I just thank God I managed to head back to sleep after applying ice and calling upon His name, like "Oh gooodddd".

I thought it was really minor, ahaha! NOT anymore, now that its achieved its rights of paying a visit to HAIDEE NHU who works at the polyclinic at Bukit Merah. She's the one who I saw for my bad ankle sprain, and ahaha! She just saw the thing, and just dismissed me by saying "oh its just an infection, just take some antibiotics and you'll be fine. Don't worry, it won't burst" ahaha. So I sat there and got me thinking, imagine.. What if the patient is one heck of a worry ward, and THAT'S ALL she's ever gonna do. She's soo chill that it seems she really doesn't care. ahaha! My consultation is 2 minutes in the room, I wait nearly an hour to get a spot in there. But its been a good wait, on the book Gan-paps graded as "good book". I've finished half of it with all the time I've spent waiting and just filled with emotions that stirs in my heart, I nearly ended up crying whilst waiting that I had to reason with my brain to stop, lest I wanna allow people to misunderstand me, that my pain has caused me to cry. ITS SUCH A DARN GOOD BOOK.

Well I've heard all everything you've known or heard bout prayers, but I think nothing beats experiencing it in your own life. Which I must say, its something I just got serious just a couple of months back. :) It really encourages me! :D

Ohh, and been visiting the clinic quite often this 2 months, I've been thinking and reminiscing alot of my secondary school days. As I was trying to get to the nearest MRT station, which was Redhill, I couldn't remember how to walk it at all! But ahaha by faith as you trust, its been good. And it made me remember what Redhill-Henderson is well known for. Old folks, there's alot of aging people around. Often a times, I feel they're lonely, needing company/loving someone to just listen to them talk. Its quite a sad place I remembered I hated going to school cause there was just something about the place that does seem abit depressing.

But I saw something today, and got reminded, though no matter where they are, how they are (an amputee, hopping around on clutches though one leg less, doesn't stop them from going about their daily activities). I remember about the human spirit that it is capable of. The capability to love, to care, to show compassion to one another, to encourage one another on. Their reselience, perseverance and determination really teaches me alot.

When you're of that white grey old age, where you see each of your friends leaving you one by one, what encourages you to another new day? What keeps you smiling, what keeps you doing what you do everyday? I've probably just realised, why old people around, smile lesser as they age more. There are reasons why they behave the way they do, if we bother enough.

Sadly, all these revelations comes more and more, and I understand more when my ah-mas are both no longer around. Its a tinge of regret I never spent enough time with them that enabled me to pick up their mode of communication, in dialects. But I hope I'll be able to spread some joy to the old peeps that I meet along the way now. As and whenever, I've a soft spot for them :)

Uncle Heng passed away last night. Another one gone, hope God receives him. He died in his sleep, which is good. And am just glad mom went over in Dec to KL to visit them. I don't remember alot of him, but all i do is remember his smiles and his loud happy, hearty voice. God bless him :) Mom's over at KL now, pity I didn't go up again in Dec to say bye. sigh. What timings but I'll apologise when I do see him. Really!

Its Been A Long Time Coming

2010-01-18T13:36:00.003+08:00

^ That's from the song "Gravity - Coldplay" ahaha. It just popped into my head. Thought I'll just leave some thoughts here as I take a breather, zoning out to my favourite song, gravity :) I love Chris's voice against the hitting of the keys. In any cases, music always brings me joy, depending on the mood. Like now, I'm on Class 95 old school mode. ahaha! Foreigner - I wanna Know What Love Is.

Whoot. I think I'll head home today and do more search. Update my playlist. Its been a busy busy day, entertaining calls, finishing up the posters, and now collating a list. ahhaah, the busiest day so far, but its good. But my body wants to nua. Tee Hee :) Anyway back to work. See if I do get home and continue :)

Yes, still alive!

2009-11-15T18:55:00.002+08:00

I just realised I haven't really been blogging at all, simply cause I haven't been spending anytime online at all, the moment I head for home. Judging from my previous entry, which was way back in September, when I was still unemployed and still finding a full-time job.

Yes, I've gotten a desk bound job, with a tad of calling up job seekers, to update their information, is pretty much my interaction with people, and the weekly face to face, job placement exercises. Can't say I hate my job and I can't say I love it either. I'm not sitting on the fence, but I don't hate what I do, neither do I oh-so-totally love it.

The dubby has been asking "update please", since I'm unwinding to Harry Connick Jr, which has that totally old school feel to the old classics, sitting in my room, in front of the laptop, I thought it'll be good to update eh?

Life has been more of my after six, after the time I knock off from work, meeting friends up for dinners/catch a movie/sit together and just chit chat/spending time with your family or love ones. I suddenly feel so much older now, like just in the couple of months and I start to understand why some people are the way they are now or behave the way they do.

I figured that what we're doing in life is spending our hours in life, in exchange for something. It could be monetary, could be for self fulfilling purposes (you could probably do Marslow Hierarchy of Needs), and just this week especially, has been questions on "How/What is the best way to best spend your time/ make an impact/ difference in this world".

I happened to just head on to Keith's blog and was reading an entry of his, and somehow, for that moment, felt "whoa, that's nice". Somehow it seems that teaching is always that choice for making an impact in people's life. I had that idea some months back, but sadly, didn't manage to be successful in my applications.

Evelyn was telling me about some famous company (can't remember the name) was having this recruitment exercise on some retail sales/marketing job, which looked decent, but I don't know. I haven't heard anything yet about changing over to any sides yet. The grass seemingly still looks green on my side, or rather, I haven't found anything yet that is greener on the other side. I still figure from time to time really, what has been prophesied over me and just wondering if they're ever gonna see the light of the day of being fulfilled? :)

Typing on this laptop is such a unfamiliar feeling, since I've been spending so much more time on my office NEC's desktop than my laptop at home. I guess its either time reading/watching house/guitar/sleep, when its down to my time alone. Still happy this laptop is working fine, I hope it doesn't die anytime soon, or its gonna be quite some headache. ahaha!

Anyways, I guess I don't really blog that often cause there seems to be quite alot of thoughts on my head nowadays, that I don't know where to start! That Facebook one liners, seems to be a much easier alternative. Blogging may have somehow lost its novelty with me probably.

In all randomness, today has been spent really quickly, just doing worship for the two services and heading out with Joanne in the afternoon. It was good to just let your hair back and just laugh and share and chit chat, with the younger ones. They're so full of energy, I miss those days, I seem to be in a far cry from where I was! Or perhaps maybe younger and more carefree. =D More time to do what you want, when you want, or perhaps I just really miss those blocks of personal time that I had for myself in the past couple of months.

Funny how when I was in it, I wanted a job so badly. Now that I've gotten one, I just want those slack days back again. I know, eventually I'll have to move on, but at times, perhaps I just want to be a kid all over, and do whatever you want, however you want, whenever you want it. To not put in much effort and watch the world go by, the people, their activities and their movements and not be confined about the boundless possibilities of thoughts that go on your mind, without worrying "oh I need to sleep now, I need to wake now, I need to head to work now". Life's more regimented now.

I guess I'm just missing those carefree days, of spending nearly 2.5 hours on a bus, down the ECP, just watch the skies go by, where the world just passes you by. It makes me feel alive and excited. Not needing to worry about anything, what's the big deal about losing sleep at night? Those plentiful of late nights, countless MSN chats, movie/drama watching. LOL. Its just now, everything needs a little bit more of consideration, since 9.5 hours is nearly spent at work, the next 7 hours sleeping, 1.5 hours on travel, it just leaves you out with that 6 hours to do what you want. What and how do you want to spend it on?

I'll just always remember Gan-paps's, "the best investment is spending it on people's lives", who lives to collect testimonies nowadays. ahaha! =) I hope I'm doing it right with whatever little I have that at times, I wished I could do more, I had more hours. But its just the way it is, nothing more and nothing less. Take it or leave it? I'll just, take it I guess =) and be happy with what I have now, I'm still trusting :D

Surprise, surprise!

2009-09-03T23:00:00.003+08:00

So what have I been busy with? I really wonder what have I been busy with, whenever I am been asked this question. Lately again, I will think its still rest, or either yakking away with my dear Sister, nephew and my mom. We're hanging out of late, it is nice, and it is more fun with the entire topic runs around the big topic of the big G. I simply love it. Like what Miss Yeong says, "what better things are there to talk about?". Yes, it is very heartwarming.

So this boy below, is the one hogging onto my ipod lately, after teaching him how to maneuver around the controls of my ipod. What does he tune into? What else, the all time favourite, Blessed Be Your Name, God of Wonders, Consuming Fire, Heart of Worship. You should hear him sing, you'll probably be laughing and kicking yourself hard, cause it is cute on one sense, but another sense, the songs that he sings, becomes transformed into a totally different song if you do not listen hard enough to what he is saying.

So when night came, there was a revelation on his beloved new toy, called DOU DOU. (well, least I call it Dou Dou), there's too many toys at home, they need a NAME, an IDENTITY. So pretty much, everyone calls it dou dou now (maybe cause no one bothers giving it a name), but its way too cute to not earn itself a name. (I'm still thinking if its a ah boy or ah girl). ahahah! Its mouth gave way, meaning the thread came off entirely from Dou Dou's mouth, and it got him so upset, he started crying. I don't know if that was to qualify for the title of weeping, but yeah. It was SO CUTEEE, I hoaxed him out of it that I'll sew Dou Dou's mouth, and spent Tuesday just sewing the mouth back.

Oh and made him understand the entire notion of "cosmetic surgery" ahhaa. It is just simply hilarious. So Dou Dou's back in action with a restored smile :) aww. Yes I was so serious on it that my sis went "you're soo serious", yeah i am when i'm working on it. MUAHAHA. It looks so cute now =D

Alrightys, that's for the toys, the week has been spent taking pictures, running errands, making digital prints and spending time with my love ones. =D Went on down to TP to get the employment agreement signed, so work will be starting on the 14th. So yeah to all new surprises, that I've learnt what sewing requires you thinking what your next move is, to plant that needle into, and that I can sew! LOL. And getting the job, has been all surprising. I wonder what's more is installed for me. =D

Another New Skin!

2009-09-03T04:11:00.002+08:00

Times have certainly changed! Back in a couple of months back, it was just so hard to find lovely blogger 2.0 templates that you can play with. But hold and behold, I was BORED, and hence, I started editing my blog skin all over :)

Loving the entire look of it now, after the House template just seemed to have something missing, which until today, I haven't quite figured what it is. I haven't been blogging much of late (and I wonder why?) but i believe it could be due to:

1. Getting bored of how the blog looked aesthetically

2. There really wasn't anything entertaining, or least, I haven't had the discipline to leave it all down, with pictures and thoughts exposed

3. I preferred the pen and paper method over the new age, keyboard

But whatever the case, now that the blog looks so much smarter and neater, it does have its enticing points. I placed up the wallpapers I've done, (I have no idea why I did it), but while doing this entire revamping and I was going through some old posts, there was 1 comment on how encouraged that person was with the wallpaper, so I might as well just put them all into one page, and bless whoever thinks and likes it.

Haven't been doing anything much of late, no picture talk either. (which is bad, it means I'm not taking pictures), hopefully it'll pick up again. My current HTC phone doesn't really make you wanna take pictures or snapshots of my life at random. Its just alittle grainy. Sighs.

And on the latest updates on my life? These past 2 weeks have certainly been not the easiest, it could have been the roughest of late, and I'm sure glad to be out of it alive and sane. The boy did really test and push alot of my buttons, but its good now that things are moving along with an added kind of push and a hope and a BETTER outlook on his future. Least he has school to look forwards to, which is sure to be fun.

Winnie said I seem to be around depressed people lately, ahaha. Probably and maybe, and I just realised that there is this one person who is able to raise the bar up higher and make me think about this person, from the moment I wake to the brief moments before I sleep. She's always been on my mind, and all I can say, the night before, I felt a release, in the belief, that I do believe that "the truth will set her free". I'm holding on to this fact and truth. Still holding on.

So emotional wise, has been tiring and frustrating from time to time, but as usual, the importance of releasing them in a proper manner, I'm going through my rounds and repeats of just being quiet and just finding meaning in the things that I love doing, and the things I have to do. Am holding on and looking forwards towards this weekend been spent over at Malacca.

The only thing I'm looking forward is sitting that long bus ride, and clearing my mind and just feeling close back to the clouds and trees all over again. I need it, meanwhile, whilst the HR clears me to hopefully start work soon. So in a sense, it is waiting for all to fall into place again. It feels like I'm a piece of fried egg on a pan. Currently, I'm that egg that is left hanging in mid air, being flipped onto its other side, just waiting for it to land perfectly again.

Today has been a day of just spending bus rides together on the ipod with the boy, which is something we haven't done for a long, long time. Something so simple yet moments we can savor and look back and be thankful for. He accompanied me to get 100 shots printed out into 4Rs, which costs a mere $0.15 each, for a piece. The color turns out pretty well :) Then, to the Olympus service centre, which I must say, really has been an unpleasant experience. Which is also the reason why I do not prefer their products, and would prefer some other brands, take like Canon. The lens of a camera makes the entire world of the difference as I have learnt the hard way and learning to make a customer happy is really important.

Everything seems to be up and going, I guess I should be heading to bed soon, and somehow tonight, there's just a lot of mozzies going around. Oh pick on someone else, turning in, nights.

Faith Wallpapers

2009-09-03T04:03:00.006+08:00

Happy Kid

2009-08-15T23:00:00.000+08:00

Think about when is the last time you think you're happy! Since returning from Thailand, I'm once again reminded of what gets me ticking!

Simple food with the people you love or care about, sitting and sharing life's experience from the older people. Being just a listener, enjoying my scoop of hazelnut, sitting in front of a glass window on a stool, watching the world go by. It is just so fulfilling! Very happy me.

Once again i'm always thankful on being reminded on the things that always makes me happy. The simple pleasures of life, to be able to share them with the ones you love or care walk with each other. Family, friends or lover, they're really God'
s life preservers.

EXHAUSIVE!

2009-08-02T23:33:00.003+08:00

This week has been a crazy week, that as i sit and put a closure to this week, which I am glad to really do this. The entire week has merely been spent lying on the bed, first trying to make sense of my back spraining incident that seems so trival, wondering how on earth did it happen. And just simply by reaching out for my facial foam and letting out a deep cough, i couldn't move my back from then on. Rolling was hard, pulling up my pants after peeing wasn't that easy either, climbing and walking was simply back breaking.

It isn't my first time experiencing a back sprain but it was one of the most disabling one for the day. Thank God for lovely prayers from Chass that really made me move, and before that from the dubby and my sister that helped made the pain manageable. The day after was a visit to the Sinseh and gosh, I do realise that when I'm in pain, I do not cry but giggle it away. Mom was saying I have to be the most noisiest patient the Sinseh ever had.

I thought all was over, and came the next day of falling into a fever and a flu, that took me another 2 days to recover. By then, its already Thursday. It did seem to feel that everything just don't seem to go my way for the week, and tormenting in a sense of just lying on the bed, to rest continuously. Popping panadols, filling the entire bin up with tissue balls and simply drinking up water isn't the most funnest of things to do, but that took 2 days. I was glad to have the fever gone on the next day, but the most irritating portion was simply to just be up and well all over again.

Finally, today's Sunday and I can greatly scream before today ends, that my back feels all better already, fever is gone and my flu is pretty much left to small tiny bits that I can say its quite negligible. Had a great walk down from City Hall to Orchard with the Sunday lovelys. I thank God for each and everyone of them, for making Sunday's different. The walk was reflective and good after what Pastor Enoch said today, that i realised and felt the beauty of Chinese once again. In just mere simple words, the depths that the words brings about, i was quite taken away and I could really say, i was 100% attentive during the entire session. Just sapping up on the matters of perspective, on what really matters in life. Would it be the internals or the externals? For often enough, we tend to place emphasis on the matters of life that are actually the most trivial. And the matters in which we should be placing our entire heart and soul into it, we simply either choose to ignore it, or simply can't be bothered with it.

I did learn at the end of the day, what many things that are easily taken for granted for daily, like health can be actually be easily overlooked upon from time to time, in our forever busy lives. Rolling over in bed seems like the most easy thing to do, took me triple the efforts to just sleep on my sides. Reaching for my pants after peeing seems like the most natural thing to do, took me nearly twice the time taken to pee and get out of the toilet. Reaching for things seems so easy, now am reminded that I should take some care or least bend over to pick things up.

Suffered a horrid headache, to be even more determine to go into a period of worship with my guitar and thereafter, rush over to the toilet to puke my doublecheese burger out after my late supper. Felt better and I'm quite sure finally tonight, I can sleep a natural sleep due to real tiredness, and be at peace with it. I'm thankful :)

AWESOMELY AWESOME TMT

2009-07-22T10:34:00.003+08:00

Ahh. Back finally from another trip to Thailand, where it has to be the coolest trip of experiencing God's tangible love and His awesome power revealed, where there is casting out of demons, healing the sick and just releasing God's love out to the many out there, who feels rejected or unworthy, God loves everyone of them and you.

It has been too awesome that I haven't had time to sit down and thank God and just rest in His presence to take in every part of what the 10 days have been. Maybe just today, later, I'll be having my chance.

Was supposed to be sending out resumes out again, but I ended up looking at all the pictures of Thailand once again on Facebook! Its been just such a great 10 days of living a time and culture so close to God, i'm just praying there's ability to bring back the same thing He does back onto this concrete jungle. Not impossible, just maybe harder. ahahah, but not impossible!

Its been back to back action, knowing the fact of being able to rest in the Lord's presence will be on top of the list today, and also, continue with that job searching.

I'm looping Soon on my playlist now. Its just an awesome day the Lord has made, I love rainy days for they bring forth the soft feel, and makes me get all reflective and comfortable all over.

"I will be with the One I love
With unveiled face I'll see Him
There my soul with be satisfied
Soon and very soon "

Thank you to the awesome trippers who made it to Thailand, every day spent with each other has just been so encouraging. Walking together in this walk of faith and in the supernatural, is one of the greatest joy. =) For God who made His presence felt ahaha! And all the prayers and support from everyone else.

i'm a GEEK!

2009-07-09T13:32:00.003+08:00

Ah hah! Tired from my long haul walk yesterday from Beach Road down to Sim Lim Square. While I was walking, lugging the laptop at my back, walking onwards, it partially wet and windy yet hot from all the walking weather, i felt Him speak, "hey, you don't really get to do this often, do you?" And i smiled while i was walking, though complaining from time to time how hot it was, but i was had fun.

It was all gifts to people! Or least some form of act of love, ahahah! Deciding on which router, it was funny how long we haven't spoken to each other and hearing his voice was nice after a long time. But I think while watching Miu Kiu Wai's recent drama, I somehow had this feel that I've got a figure of who I do wanna spend my life with. (I think he'll be happy reading this)

And during these weeks of just communicating through texts messages, I realised that he is so far, the only guy who is able to make me think of him from time to time, and just smile, imagining his dorky smile. Our rides, sitting together just catching up and praying for each other, and sharing how usually the happenings of the week went.

Eating donuts on my own, makes me own this silly smile, listening to the House Soundtrack he found, sigh. I feel all warm and fuzzy like a teddy bear all over. I know he's someone I'll go to, air my grouses out when it comes, or when i do have random thoughts in my head, he'll be the one who will entertain them. ahaha and my silly ideas!

i'm just taking this phase one step at a time, enjoying the time of missing someone. It is actually a luxury, and i enjoy being in it LOL! So when we meet, the first embrace. Ahh. hahaha i feel the anticipation building up. And i'll remember all the sweet nonsensicals we do with our favourite teddies :) I miss his grebit act too. ahahah it makes me laugh like crap. =) yes, i miss you :) but i don't tell it out, cause i enjoy just doing it smirkishly at the privacy of my bedroom or in my head, whilst i go about travelling on a bus, staring out at the window!

Lets go nomnomnom when you're out again, and i'm back again!

Oh yes and the movies he will find when i name them, I've finished with Michael Clayton :) Yes George Clooney is so hot, and cute! Storyline's not too bad too, been having this urge to watch all these slightly deeper than usual storylines, that has a deeper meaning to it, probably cause i'm feeling that way too. I enjoy at times like these, when there's nothing else much for me to do, or life has been mundane, things like these perks my brains up to think and pay attention to more details and perspectives.

My late fettish of once again listening to Cantonese and reading chinese subtitles, its been awhile! guess i'll go guitar abit after watching Tommy Emmanuel on his Maton guitar, go attack Fly Me To The Moon! I'm dreaming of Macs and Martins falling from the skies, and I'm reminded of dear Rissa telling me, "Joyce, don't talk! ACTION" ahaha, she is quite a motivator really! LETS GET OUR MARTINS?

Thank You!

2009-06-30T00:53:00.003+08:00

This goes out to the awesome team of Sarah and Wan Hsi, for being them, seeing how much God moves in their lives encourages me,visiting their place, chatting n chilling with them:)

It is amazing how God works and speaks through them. Like what Wan Hsi was saying, that i should be speaking more into people's lives - she saw me doing that in her dreams months back. I was reminded of what another person said over me that they see a river of life on me. Sarah said I shld hang out more at the home. Which really isn't something i didnt know, some I have no idea why i keep thinking of heading overseas,how i thought otherwise.

I wonder how this is going to go sincepastor andrew did ask me to work full time there. its been nearly quite sometime already not too sure about it, but i guess i know where to start now instead of keep thinking it's gonna be in the next couple of years time or something. or funnily thinking its going yo be overseas. Everything now has just gone past my mindset of in the time to come to now, is alittle unnerving, but i guess, its now or never lol. This is exciting.

Also, not forgetting my beloved Godparents, who've juz have been amazing in setting the ground, believing what have been set on their hearts, its really lovely and blessed to have them:) to see and fulfill what His plans are for this entire church and generation and lifetime is really the greatest of all history. wow! quite awestruck after ending my day today. still on that mode. thank you Jesus!

massive movements

2009-06-14T23:54:00.001+08:00

in the dead of the night, there isn't anything better than lying on the couch that the dubby bought, having my audio techs on, and playing some lovely piano vocal songs like Sarah Mclachlan's Angel and Adia. Sometimes its Damien Rice vocal and guitar or maybe Coldplay.

Its a great time to just come face to face with yourself, your thoughts and emotions. Reflect on how the day has been, give thanks and once again, spend time qt-ing.

Its been a lovely day, especially the YA's worship which was partially hilarious but exciting to see how God's presence is moving in our midst. I can't wait to see how much more God has to reveal to us!

In any case, God knows why i'm so happy buying this new cable for my guitar, while i don't actually possess an amp at all! But its been a great day out with the sunday bunch:)

I must remember to send my resume out! The past days and weeks have just been pure madness since departing and returning from the kl mission trip.

Then it was Bethel School of Supernatural Ministries which have been such a blast. With miracles shown during the two weeks and also today! Praise the Lord:) and may there be more and it is definitely faith building when you pray what He prays and things happens right before your very eyes, skepticism goes out the window. Till you see it then you'll understand:) But before that it's gonna be building up that faith in you to trust first and watch what happens as faith grows. And it only grows with intimacy and wisdom ans knowledge as you spend time with Him. Fearing less as you know more and becoming less ignorant.

Time to wash up and sleep.

super duper tired

2009-05-31T23:48:00.002+08:00

great! blogger is having this mobile phone blogging function which will mean those who uses wifi enabled phones can blog easier w this blog mobile function. quite intriguing, cause the benefits is that u get to lie on ur tummy n hold e phone in ur hands n juz type away with ur two thumbs. it really is the ultimate lazy way loh. video cam recording is not as what i thought it is, not tt easy lol! school of supernatural starts tml, really tired. crashing on my room floor now. bye!

AWESOME!

2009-05-28T00:11:00.003+08:00

everytime i head back to KL to participate in Malaysia Church Camp's or Planetshakers Conference, I can't help but remember the two times I was over, it was always a life changing experience, that cause you to burn so much for the desire that pretty much is what one wants. nothing has changed much, but today, i think i had this desire to really get serious in reading the bible from back to back. I have to, there's just this urge to really get serious bout it. so yes, i'll try making the effort. starting from the front now. ahhaa!

anyway, this time's trip to KL has been such a blast, i took 2 days to recover. I spent a day crippled in bed, cause i couldn't move. Thank God there was grace when i texted Boss that I need a rest, and i was allowed. That was on Monday, Tuesday was a leave I have to take, since on monday, alot of work was done, I wasn't needed. Today was a chill day spent playing badminton, and my hand hurts like crap now. Boss is really good with his drop shots. =)

i thank God for each and everyone of the CPC team member, Sarah and Wan Hsi, everyone over at Antioch, and it just felt everyone who was there, was placed there, to encourage and edify each other. The annointing of the Holy Spirit that just swept, which cause faith to rise, has to be the highlight that will go on for the longest period of time.

i can't say how this team is tight, somehow tight, though we just spent a mere 3-4 days together, its amazing. It could have been the entire of us, sleeping under one roof, helped. But i think was each other, praying for each other, encouraging and talking faith, and encouraging one another through the day and pushing for 100% no matter how tired or sleep deprieved we were, the day before.

the urge to just head out there to prophesy, has to be the greatest highlights. That yes, it's not just set apart for the few, but the many of you, if you believe, and take the step of faith, honestly, anything is possible. and it was shown, as heaven was revealed on earth, this bond and the common desire to just cry out for God, to come sweeping down, as people go on their knees, acknowledging one God we all worship for, has truly been amazing.

there's no doubt that there's hunger for the word in places like Malaysia, it is so strong, that time and time again, though the distances are so near, how we differ in hearing the word. I can only say, we Singaporeans christians might get far too comfy, and take the many things we have for granted, that when its stripped to the bare essentials, how do we fare?

once again, it all boils down back to the heart, and the heart of worship. its not about the instruments, its not about the music, its not bout the voices, but the heart. it does change things when multiple hearts come in unison to reach that level, of crying out for more, that desperation. moves, and things changes, you feel God in your face.

once again, i'm reminded by Gan paps of the issues, and yes. Apart from loving the sinner and hating the sins, it would mean giving honour to that person whether that person deserves it or not. For that, i'm always having trouble with, that once again, it is to be reminded of myself, who am i to judge. to come back once again in humility, and the act of it, of total submission, and what is it all about.

not something easy, but what's love isn't it? its easy loving the loved but try the unloving. i have to leave this down, because this trip has been such a blast, and thank you everyone, for the great time, learning experience, feeling God's presence. Every activitiy was so spirit filled =)

So today, apart of badminton, it was breaking fast with Chass! Awesome stuff, ahaha enjoying our comfort food of fried fish soup (she likes the yuan yang one LOL). Yes and the fella beside her who smelled like bazhang.

mine smelled of dove body foam. the person was cleaning up the headphones. out came a KOSS headphone and i went "WAH" and the next thing that amazed me was when he/she took out her ipod touch. guess what was she listening to. "VIVA LA VIDA" - can't miss the album art for nuts.
and beside her, i was listening to "glass of water" - PROSPEKT MARCH. I wanted to tap her and show her my ipod play list and smile, that for a moment, 2 Coldplay fans met each other and were in the same bus, under the same sky, at the same time, enjoying our beloved.

For Coldplay fans, you have got to download the free album of LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT LEFT from coldplay.com . For those who went to the concert, i think this is a great album to rekindle those high moments of "whoo oh oh oh oh" from Viva La Vida. I have a gut feeling this is recorded during the Singapore concert, cause it just sounds pretty asian / singlish. till now, i'm listening it over and over, and blasting it this entire night tonight, i don't know if i'm on a high, or just listening to the thumbing of Will's drums, and Chris banging his fingers on the pianos, Johnny dranging on his guit and Guy just doing his groove.

and the best thing happened to me today, was playing with a black white tuxedo cat (dubby taught me that). I exited from the main door of Harborfront Centre and the cat came running to me, i was supposed to be afraid, but looking at its cute meows and eyes looking at me, i couldn't help but bent down, and started playing with the tabby.

There was another brown-white-black patches one who was lame, i wanted to go over to pray for it okay. But it kept running away from me. So i spent the entire good 15 minutes just giving all my attention to that black tabby who was just following me whereever I went!

And I'm reminded that at the end of the day, no matter animals or human beings, we are all just created for one reason, which is to be loved. and we all love to be loved! i couldn't bear to say goodbye to it, when i was leaving for the bus stop, as it trailed me all the way, till it knew it couldn't anymore, i just said bye bye to it. (yes i talk to anything and everything). it turned its back and returned to where it was camping and meow-ed for more passer by and managed to get one pat from an Indian dude =D It was sweet!

so yeah, give your time out to love someone. though at times they may be hard. but if you try sometimes. i think i'm putting the leftover dinner back into the fridge and do my quiet time. =D Love yous!

what's next?

2009-05-19T13:14:00.002+08:00

yesterday has been quite a ridiculous night. that at times i feel, its a sin or curse to actually be too knowledgeable, you wonder, if by acting stupid might save your sorry ass.

sadly, because i do not want to see my dear mother, aging and still having to worry about all the needless repairs to the things that can go wrong, or spoilt, due to the wear and tear and passage of time, i learn to do alot of things which by default, i can say, i don't know how to do it.

this time round, its all over a stupid headphones (no, i still love headphones, cause I still love the music it provides me with). mom just went through a funeral, and dad expects her to do all these menial stuff, i wasn't being told of what was wrong. only to be called up in the midst of my happy-fun guitar session which I was so much in a mood to. might as well entertain myself.

only to be called up to be ranted at, and hurled quite a tad lot of needless anger issues he has. i thought i explained to him as to why some things just aren't done, but sadly, all he want is to have his say, like a 5 year old. Either on second thoughts, he might need the earphone to get him to sleep, cause silence doesn't work for him, like a lullaby. and it sure doesn't work anymore, he kicked up his fuss of hate, and anger and detestment on my attitude, character and what have you.

for one thing i couldn't stand, was being pushed off all over, or being pushed around by the weight of his money, of the money he provides, and his 3 million house. (which explains my detestment for money, or stucked up snobbish SMEs bosses). I give credits to you for being wise, in having the ability to run and manage a house, but i shall say, a family is not governed by your management-business tactics.

sadly, when talking to bosses like that, their minds are closed. so they think I'm just trying to be a smart educated varsity graduate, giving a speech, or teach them a thing or two. and voiced out their sense of detestment.

sadly, my education doesn't give me the principles and knowledge on life, but its through being educated somewhere else, and reading this powerful book. i wish i could tell you, but sadly, i didn't say anything, none of my mindless "educated" principles. cause it wouldn't have helped anything.

i left, for a walk with my ipod and jacket on, into the midst of all these "unnecessary drama", to quieten myself. And alas, to weep. Weep not because of the emotions of anger or hurt i felt, but sad at the point, there's some points that some will never get to understand. i wasn't particularly angry or hurt, purely because, whatever happened, wasn't something logical, and it came from a person at that point of time, did not make much sense to me. I will not take in senseless nonsense.

but i wept, hard. that sadly, at times no matter how hard i do try to help or least to make things work, it just never gets any better or appreciated. so you just struggle on to another session, working on and on. Appreciation or not, is not an option. I do it, just to help myself not get into unnecessary dramas, again.

This time round, i didn't have the chance to least save myself, in solving another spoilt item. I wasn't given time to figure what was wrong, or least, where or what thingy was spoilt. Just shot at, the moment you showed your face and asked a question "so what's the problem". Which is a necessary question if you need help.

but to the people of high pride, it hurts their man-ego, purely because, they can't do it and they need help. but for me, i need to know what's the problem before I can ever least try to help. I don't promise I can solve a problem but least, try to fix it and make things a little better than before (which usually happens).

people like these, are the most vulnerable ones and the ones requiring a great deal of help, because they're too helpless and lost, and frustrated. purely because they've just placed and bet their lives on the wrong principles, that trying to make it up for it now doesn't seem to go their way, and everything just seems to be going downhill, they're losing pwer and control. so much so for using money, to get things done, doesn't work anymore.

revelation is revealed. truth hurts, and they react in such anger, that i will have to go through this, because you can't handle the truth. i wish i can ever tell you all of these, but it will never get out, or into you, because you can never take it, and i do not wish to be miss unfillial. to drive you to your graves.

i just take it with me down to my grave i guess. (no i'm not suiciding), it just means, it'll just remain in me. i'm so tired of this same shit, of this same thing that has been going on and on. That its so easy to just pack your own bags and leave, for he has said it. "This is my house, you can live out on your own and get out".

it is very tempting but honestly, i need to resubmit that may it not be something that I want, but something that You want. You, give me strength please.

survived!

2009-05-01T14:54:00.002+08:00

its been a crazy start to this week, over the dramatic incident, but thank God all's clear now, and things are moving along. started to feel weak on sunday and really, illness was just waiting to set in, which made me quite pathetic.

so upon reaching @ KL, the whole day was spent busy doing nothing apart from traveling up, some small meetings and dinner and karaoke for the night. There, I think it has been fun sharing with Jacqueline. and another dramatic end off to the trip.

all i can say i'm glad this week's pretty much short and over, since I took a day's of MC. Fell sick and i think it was signal to chill, which I did. Saturday night was a crazy night (i don't know how i survived) but yes, i was thinking on and off till i went to bed, opened and closed my eyes. The thoughts still stayed.

still quite very sane now, but all now I wanna do is just take a break. tired from the week, tired from looking on the sidelines and trying to egg him on. like what i always hear people say "gek-sei-yan". ahahah you kind of get the point.

but i start to realise that humans are actually really intricate creatures. they could either be driven by emotions (fear, anger, hatred, love) or by the environment (bad economy -> survival). i don't know what drives you, but feeding the drive, maybe one of the things that are ever gonna be keeping you alive.

anyways, all i can say, one of the most vital ways to stay sane in this crazily changing world and environment is by ensuring that you spent more time being quiet and being reflective. It helps keep your mind and heart, beating to a constant same beat or tune. Miss a beat, and something's not right, find the source then. Cause from there on, the actions should tally to whatever the mind and heart is trying to say.

Being busy or acting busy are just mere excuses of hiding things under the carpet and refusing to either recognising that there is a problem to simply, trying to evade a problem. Sure, run away from it and the rubbish in the chute starts multiplying till it gets too much, you never know where or how to start clearing, you end up losing hope of living another day, with the beliefs that tomorrow will be a better day. why do that to yourself? I don't understand, so i guess this should be a kind of discipline, just like exercising, that if you ever want to have a beautiful and healthy body, go do some work out, no pain, no gain.

like what i keep hearing at work "everybody expects someone else to change, but no one realises that change starts from the person themselves', and whoever said that, that's my boss. LOL. Quit whining, stand up, rise up and face the problems, maybe they're arent' that big afterall. Thank God i'm still very much positive and sane thank you.

pickachoo!

2009-04-24T00:03:00.007+08:00

I actually like this picture taken by Chass of me, cause I never expected myself to actually have such a sinister kind of smile. Purely cause it looks super playful yet with a tinge of evilness in it. The cardigan actually cost S$15 and the black top in it was for S$5. I had to say it, cause I thought it looks nice. - Shopping courtesy over at Malaysia and HK respectively. Sigh, I miss shopping and travel. Moolahs?

This adorable looking GIRAFFE (which Dubby insists it looks more like a cow / moo) To which everything that is shaped in this state, makes him think its a cow, is a 1 month old gift to Baby Joash, Jane's baby! Thought it'll be cute to spice up the little cot.

How practical moms will say its a dust collector, so I would believe this is one toy that can take frequent baths in the washing machine, and head for a couple of spins =D I just think its too cute! From the Dubby and me =)

This was taken during the Good Friday's event at the Indoor Stadium, before the Reinhard Boonke rally started, there was this baby in front of me, and honestly, I'm a person who enjoys the details of shoes, including baby's. It was just too cute, I couldn't resist! Those round and chubby shoes that just looks so awww, how adorable and cute. Least, it makes you feel happy!

a random shot of the bus stop outside my place, I believe this was on the way to Ben Chan's birthday @ Tanglio over at Central. *shrugs*

Pictures taken from the new phone, the first few of the lots, and most importantly, the first lot sent to the lappy. Won't say the camera quality is fantastic as compared to my old Sony mobile, kind of miss it, but i'll just make do.

From time to time, I look at the battery life that this phone sucks, the living day lights out, 2 days at most, and the phone needs a charge on standby and minimal usage. Back in those days, the Ericsson could last say, at least 2 days, which will still make a great backup phone =D Sigh, pda phones, lovely graphics, but battery life is just horrid.

This is food from the DESIGN SCHOOL canteen @ TP. I went back on Tuesday to run some errands after going to Tanglin Sec to submit and pick up some documents. I really miss school days, and I was thinking, "should I take up a diploma in visual comm?" Then again, I'm really not at all disciplined enough to last another 3 years, of endless late nights and projects, aging. So it was random, and I enjoyed the SAMBAL and the FRIED CHICKEN. Tee hee. Brings back alot of pleasant memories, like it or not, I will say poly had its share of fun times.

Ok so much so for all the pics =) There's more over at facebook, which makes uploading easier, but I have to complain, doesn't Windows OS have the function of "marking several" pictures, so I can just click all at once, and it gets sent to my computer? =( Had to do it manually, gah. Pictures were so-so only, not any impressed, but thanks to Photoshop, of auto-leveling that kind of adds and makes pictures bearable. I can't take Macro shots with this phone, and its kind of annoying me. Like a gay, nice looking, BIMBO phone. Ahaha, fancy thrashing a Windows OS, a bimbo phone, well I still like it, but i'm like cringing at the picture quality. I guess I'll just be happy with it, since I like the entire looks and feel of the interface of it all. Just the camera portion that can be pretty annoying, but then again, hi. There's the pocket digital camera. ahah! Excuses me.

So its been quite a crazy day since Wed till today, doing alot of comp work. Clearing the stack of work that just kept coming in, to clear it, is to up your speed. Shessh. I'm just glad to have made it through, only thing is that it may burn you out. Must remember what the older people always say, "more haste, less speed". I still haven't quite figured that one out.

To add a tinge of joy today, was having dinner with Chass and just enjoying some small groceries shopping - I really do think we both have upgraded into Aunties. Ahaha, and how she raves bout coffee, I think I shall try it later today after I wake up to see how it is!

Weekends are coming, I'm just abit sad on the part of Sunday that I won't be seeing the Churchies for the entire day, as much as I like. Its been 2 weeks, =( ahaha. Thanks to my leg acting up last week, I went home to rest. Now that its all rested, I'm heading to KL for the recce trip. Sigh. But nonetheless, there's Saturday BAG! =) Count the little joy! Time to do Jie's little poster. and koon. Nights!

Hellos.

2009-04-22T23:00:00.002+08:00

Hmm, I think I'm starting to feel what Jin Hui normally says, "date me date me". And I finally realise the rationale behind it. Working life gets really mundane and the thing to look forward to usually, would be the end of the day, for starters. Looking towards the Fridays for main course, and the actual weekend, becoming the dessert.

Going on for dinner dates, hanging around with your friends, all add a piece of variation to the typical week. The cycle is slowly setting in and I'm feeling it. Hahaha. It gets boring, you'll get by trying to survive another week. *chuckles*

So what's your motivation? The money? The love or passion for the job? I wonder what's mine, but i guess for now, my motive is just to survive. Dubby was telling Mommy that he was gonna study, and mom said it was a good move. So I went, "hmm, since papa is so encouraging of me studying, shall I go study". Mom went "Go get your masters" I went "Sure, master of divinity?' *chuckles*

Ahha at first she went "sure". Of course I know her sure was so sure, all cause she really didn't understand what it was. Till I explained it was theological studies and she went "you wanna become a nun?" AHAHAHA. I went "Pastor! Technically I still get to get married". Obviously she's against it, cause even talking to sis, makes it sound like a crazy idea. Ahahaa. So who's gonna buy it?

So meanwhile, aiyo, i'm not hitting the books too soon but I did some research and just ploring at the different alternatives. At the end of the day, my motives of studying isn't a positive one, but to just really run away from trying to be a grown up and buy myself more time from taking up responsibilities.

This whole entire time since starting on this job, has been this sense of relunctance to actually grow up, stop being childish and really grow up and take responsibilities. A part of me has this refusal to grow up and part of it, is just a run with time, that just says "Your time is up". "Time to act and be a grown up". When everyone has a choice, who wants to take up responsibilities and tie yourself down with needless worries and anxieties and hopes and fears.

Familarity breeds complacency, complacency just breeds non chalency, and non chalency breeds utter laziness, utter laziness breeds a bummer. Sighs. For me of just moving out of the comfort zone I used to have, and envy those students, where life was so much more carefree, happy, yay-yays, and everyday is just a day of sheer enjoyment really. Your mind is always full of "so what do we do next?" ahahah!

Becoming this working kiddo, I'm really thinking of how to spend my free time well. Did abit of guitar and singing just now, spend time with the Dubby, since he had nights off, and just enjoying each other's presence in front of the tv and poking tickles at each other. Listening to his hearty laughters does make me smile whenever I poke his tummy. I cannot just imagine myself ending work, spending time in front of the tv and just sleeping, and repeating the same cycle the very next day, some 8-12 hours later. The mere thought of it kills me.

I'm actually listening to The Carpenters now - Courtesy of Keith :) Which i'm glad and happy, I listen to them when I just feel, I wanna be reminded of the past. The past of being a young kid, where mom used to play all these classic tunes on the radio. I was probably bout 4-5 and I will run up to her bed, and just sit, and take out the lyrics book, and read the words on it. Reading it will be one thing, understanding it will be another part of it. But I remember when mom got tired of my insistent questions of a million whys, she'll just ask me to be quiet, or to just ssh and just listen. And she'll humm and sing along, and I'll just sit quietly and just listen.

Nope I don't understand a thing, but i will remember the tunes, which I do till today. That when I listen to the songs now, I understand them now, connecting it with the tunes I heard when I was a kid. There's a certain rustic magic to all these oldies, that had such significant meanings and tunes to it. The style, the voice, the arrangement, it is easy listening, radio friendly, and smoothing. It is relaxing. Some other older bands that I like, includes Chicago, Bread, Abba and the Bee Gees. There was Bryan Adams too. But nah, yes, those are just staple classics as I grow up.

My moms has her playlists, my sis had her playlists too. Hers tend to the the soft rock ballad kind, of Richard Marx and tons of love songs. Which I hear too, that will be the usual tunes you hear on Class 95. All these are just my comfort zones, that I head back to reminiscene, my growing up memories, to remind me of myself, while massive changes takes place all around.

Who wouldn't love just sticking on and holding on to the never ending holes of your very own. But that will just not bring anything fun and adventurous. Like what Table of Glory said in yesterday's episode: "adversities are all stepping stones for greater things to be done", or something like that.

In moments like that, I just find comfort in music. In all things, my greatest comfort will always be music, for the different emotions. And it is sheer joy and enjoyment for me daily. Thank you Lord for the lovely rain, its not that hot. The weather has just been such a killer. =) Time for some QT and unwinding and sleep. For another day.

fridays

2009-04-17T10:59:00.002+08:00

fridays are little bit more joyous, but i shall just leave my thoughts here before i leave out of the house for a meeting later.

starting to feel, wah, i should still be thankful for a job no matter what. (mom claims the pay's sad and long hours) ahaha I go "what to do?"

start to realise probably what pa's employees felt when they made their way down here for work. i'm in their shoes now, HAHAHAAH! Especially as they leave for home after work daily, especially for Jasmine, who at times, grabs a bus.

start to realie the world can get very morbid if life's 8.30-6pm, like not only me, but i see tons of people doing the same thing, i wonder, "everyone goes to work, heads back from work" - Is there anymore life to this, apart from the variation in activities like gymming, yoga, dinner, pak toh or simply, more work, to the tv, and raising of legs up on the table, tutoring your kids on their homework.

start to feel what YANG says all the time "omg, the weekends are here" to the "no, its ending so soon" ahaha. I'm feeling her pain and i'm in it now. The joys of fridays, and the joy that today, there's burning bush. Its the thing that i'm looking forward to, just fellowshipping and entering into the presence of the Lord, corporately. Sheer joy. Soon, I'll be looking forwards every bag? AHAHAHHA!

oh wells, lets see how long of this I can last. Of course, I need to survive at least 3 months. Hopefully more. AHAHA! =) Time to eat some food and head for Khatib. Gosh, I hope I'll be on time. HAHAAH! Normally am you know lately, amazing? Work gets your timing right. Cause you just have to. Its just easier that way. Life i mean.

new look and feel

2009-04-15T19:01:00.003+08:00

Tadah, a new blog look and feel. I've been very bored of the white one that I think I've been using it for slightly more than a year or so. Or maybe less, I can't really remember, but it doesn't matter. I do need a change.

So here I am, surfing in the afternoon, looking at design templates and picking one that is pretty fun to work and edit with. Work was supposed to have started today, but apparently the boss got the dates mixed up, and so i'm supposed to be reporting for work tomorrow at 9am, with a meet up at Kembangan.

The boy had Nights Off but he has decided to spend it with his mates, so here I am, heh. Guess rotting in front of the tv with Mom, before we have our dinner. Anxiously waiting for "Red Thread" and I'm not sure, if "Fighting Spiders" are on. But they're all good local productions, so if you're free and have nothing else to do, watch the 2 dramas. They're good stuff. Watching Adrian Pang is such joy, love his English and not bad performance. Just more intrigued with how the story is going to unfold. Then probably with "Table of Glory" and maybe a couple or two episodes of HOUSE?

Spent the afternoon looking at the bloopers of House, which is funny and hilarious. Judging from the things said from Hugh Laurie, about his connection between his Bachelors in Anthropology, and how he ended up becoming an actor, was apparently with a bunches of lucky breaks. Does make you contemplate ahahhaha!

oh wells. time for dinner, and chatting up with Internet Mummy. =) Its been a long time. See if I do wanna carry on the post or it may just end here for now.

ah in any case, i'm just on HOUSE mode now, he's on my desktop wallpaper, and on my blog, cause I can't think of anyone else better? And the greatest thing, a WINDOWS UPDATE did to my comp, it actually resetted some of my shell settings, which means, the previous shell edits I did to it, is gone. It totally doesn't look close to Windows Vista anymore, all it looks like now, its a classic WINDOWS 98 look. AHAHAH, its quite hilarious really, and not that I'm not liking it at all. It goes with my current wallpaper theme, but it just looks dumb-dumb. Like not at all edge funky and cool, but just a classic old soul to it. Funny how I should be annoyed but I'll just live with the change, currently too lazy to find the files to update the shell looks. So it looks clunkish now. BOO! The TP-BIT people will probably know what I'm talking about, yes it looks like the Windows we used in school. The ones with the WHITE interface. AHHAHAHA. HILARIOUS! I'll just get used to it, there goes my lovely vista lookalike. This is Windows XP T.T

GROW GROW GROW, SIDEWAYS!

2009-04-14T16:13:00.002+08:00

At the rate I'm going these two days, I'm gonna be growing sideways. AHAHAH!

+ I had a full dinner before I left out for Ben Chan's surprise birthday dinner at Taglio. Of mom's bak kut teh and cauliflowers, stir fried with carrots and rice. Strangely, I just felt mom's Bak Kut Teh last night tasted like her pigs stomach soup.

+ So off to another round of dinner, of pizzas and lemon teas, with fried calamaris and potato wedges and pastas. I could still eat. STRANGELY, and yes, as though my previous meal didn't existed in my tummy?

+ Today, I just had lunch and there's a donut staring at me, and I'm gonna eat it.

So this makes me feel bimbotic and blog whatever thoughts I have that is in my head right now. I do realise that my typing speed on my laptop is faster as compared to it when I blog via my phone.

I'm craving for a new bicycle. Mom threw my polygon away *pouts* on assumption that I no longer cycle, but the urge has come in now. Quite gian, maybe I'll just look at those second hands or something. Sigh. I'm a spendthrift.

Just got a pair of UE in ears and also my beloved, Martinis. Price was too irresistible to say no really. I <3 Uncle Jaben, lots lots. HAHAHAHA! And had excellent service, bleah. It pays to be a girl really *winks*

thank you

2009-04-09T01:39:00.003+08:00

i cant say how thankful i am today.

cg fun was fun.

having buds around ytd was fun.

having ppl to share n talk bout each other struggle and spur another along in this walk of faith. brings great joy and delight for each one of you placed in t life. cause i start to feel you're just not alone and it does bring alot of comfort. thank you Lord!

2009-04-08T01:52:00.003+08:00

i'm just on the mode of sleeping soon but yet have the urge of leaving some of my thoughts down. Lassie's sleeping right at the door, and looks totally adorable. So before I sleep and leave for driving soon later today, test's coming for the third attempt on Thursday, and I am determined and hoping to really end the entire agony of going through this long process, in another sense, driving is a sense of independence to me.

Independence in the sense, you have the luxury of roaming late. (ah, roam where) - I'm one of those that loves driving up near some scenic places, just breathe and take in the sight as and when I like to. True, for now there isn't a car that I can take, but having a license will be the first step of my desires. Let's hope the Lord's gonna grant me a pass.

But meanwhile, there's a million thoughts on my head today. I woke up in the morning at bout 11, with the sudden urge to play the guitar, so i did. Hence, i went on and on till bout 4pm. Missing all my lunch cause I just didn't feel like it, and ate it at 5pm before I left the house to meet buds to watch "Confessions of a Shopaholic". It really wasn't as bimbotic I would have expected it to be, and its a great lesson and reminder for all of us girls. Girls being girls after all, we all love shopping! (Who doesn't?!) Who wouldn't love chalking up bills, having the loveliest clothes, outfits, shoes and bags?! Having best friends and still being able to find love (The male lead was cute, all totally cause of being tall, decent looking, looks great in a Prada Suit with a Bow tie and having the most important X-Factor to top off the look) - THE BRITISH ASCENT. I'm really head over heels over man who speaks with that ascent, especially like HUGH LAURIE. Course, Hugh still stands at a higher ranking. Sigh.

Hanging out with buds is always something to look forward to, cause it will always be light hearted, open and we have all our crappy and lame stuff for each other. The simplicity that really makes us remind of what we were like in our secondary school, and should continue to stay the same to certain extents. Yes like what Janna wrote on her blog, I do share similar sentiments, but because we're a bunch who actually, if you do wanna share your deepest, its still reliable. I guess for now, we just haven't got that much of deep stuff to share. AHAHHA! But i had fun really =D

But I think the emotions today surged just really on second thoughts of how people have it easy in this house, and sadly, when I just try to gain a portion of amounts, I get it quite hard and difficult. I have no idea why people have the notion that I have things easy, ahaah. Sure if you wanna say, but look closely, it really isn't what you all think. So testers, please do not look at my address and think what you wanna think. Sigh.

Sometimes, I really don't know if the address I carry, when I write on my resumes helps, by giving people have those kind of notions of you. Ahaha. But in any cases, yes i think its just that feeling I can't stand it, especially in this house, just simply how things run, or people getting what they always want way easier than me. Times, I feel I slogged my ass off, and really, its just unappreciation here, that I just at times, prefer to just slog it off elsewhere, where least people show gratitude and say "Thank You".

So i took a time break off, from the things I see at home, and take a breather outside. Quit whining at a situation I jolly well am well aware of, and get used to the fact that if I do need/want/require anything, it will totally equate to me, working hard and getting it yourself. The point is just simply, the amount of insignificance I feel in this family, is just massive from time to time, at times I can gladly say, I have no connections to it, or to least I don't feel much to it, but just playing out my role the way I should for responsibility sake. But its as much as it goes, I suppose. Sometimes, I feel odd and ask question of my belonging, or to my parentage, but there isn't anything to ask, cause there are pictures to proof everything. At random, feelings of not being fitted in this place is being asked, but I can only say, I do get along better with my sister. Or yes, maybe its realisation of myself, being sick of people, despite being family, lives behind a facade that have been going on for years, maybe slowly but surely, inch by inch, removing all those seem to be images or ideologies, for a more truthful protrayal of themselves.

Maybe I'm sick and tired of looking behind all the facades, that I give people the benefit of the doubt, if they think they're happy, they probably are. But i think cause you can just see it, but at times, people just take forever for their problem recognition process, much less talk about the problem solution part.

Things are looking up, i won't deny that portion, but i'm tired of the revelation process. Ahaha, wouldn't it be lovely that I just disappear during this time, and appear again once everything's done? It sounds very enticing and I'm just dreaming of my next location to just leave on a jetplane, and get out of this environment here in this house, where its just very i-me-myself. Its very routined, and people just do the exact same thing day in and out. For me, just looking at them blows my mind, and i wonder how do people continue living the and doing the same thing they did yesterday, for today, into another tomorrow? Its mind boggling. I can't so i'll just do everything else different at random, for a tinge of variation.

All i can say, I'm dreaming of having enough moolahs, to fly my butt out of this place, do anything else, see the world, take pictures on an dslr. And I'm still a dreamer, and still dreaming, heading to dreamland now. Just so sick of things here.

I forgot to add how working on edits on 2 proposals left me working till late, and as age catches up with me, my body and mind seems to take a longer time to recover as compared to years back when I was slightly younger, sheesh, just hit the sacks. So enough of shit around.

another beginning

2009-03-31T22:41:00.000+08:00

ah hah! back from the recce trip, and i must say i enjoyed Port Dickson:)

many things to give thanks for, like the room wo rats in the ceiling above.

things that were supposed to be agreed upon with the parties went on fine.

must say its a real eye opener trip for me, to have learnt many things in communications.

so here's to another start and it has made me dream of wanting to do a long road trip, like the millions of students who does it during their gap year. sigh. license please? juz hoping to end the agony this time round.

oh and managing to talk photography with an enthusiast called Mervin:) he takes great studio shots protraits and macro shots. so he was there showing me his diving shots and his trips to eastern europe, like budapest, hungary, austria, slovakia! KAO! beautiful beautiful! and his egypt shots!

sharing all his stories behind the shots as i sat there juz listening, after a karaoke session with boss(gary), another colleague and Mervin:)

started out with juz gary singing (he sings got skill one wor) to me, to the both of us before the other 2 warmed up. and i realised i'm quite a jukebox, i sing such old english songs to the new ones. to the old chinese one. i was challenged to sing "How do i"? almost died but an honest attempt.

so here i am here, lying on the floor mattress, typing on the htc.

i'm juz hoping things to roll out fine. not too sure how i'm gonna fair? but its gonna be a good fight.

bill johnson time:)

to think Regina Spektor is not too bad =)

2009-03-24T23:05:00.002+08:00

Different times of the day, I will desire to listen to different kinds of songs. But when its night, I just love the sound of pianos going on and just vocals, to resonate, and it sounds awesome when I just sit myself in the room, where its silent, with just my headphones, and a nice comfy chair, with the air con on. Its quite a luxury. I don't do it daily, but i am doing it now. AHAHA. That's in the basement office, where daddy's chair is way more comfy then the one in my room. (which reminds me of whether I should place a big fat bean bag into my bed room) My goodness, in swanking red. HOO HOO. SWEE BOH. But then again, its gonna rip 90 dollars away from me. *sobs sobs* So I shall consider whether I do need it, but I think that's gonna lie on the top of my list once I ever get my full time job, pamper myself alittle, just all these lovely cushiony thingies around. They made me feel happy, to

1. Lie on it
2. Flop or just land on it
3. Run and land yourself on it

Brings alot of simple joys. (I do that to my parents bed till today) - Which totally annoys my mom all the time. Being so large and much older now, I still get a great kick, running and jumping right onto the arms of a kings size bed. Too large to miss? Could consider doing it on the beanbag. Tee hee.

Anyways, today's been a day whereby I got up at 1300. Didn't expect myself to be that tired, afterwhich, I had my lunch and watched "Defiance". Its been sitting on the laptop for some time, since I saw the short ad, via the big screen ad, while crossing the road towards Shaw, with Daniel Craig's face all over, its quite hard to miss. Plus, I'm quite into Daniel Craig. *grebit chuckles. (since someone has been using that term alot. and alot, means alot). PFFTS. Can't believe something that i use ever so often *chuckles* have found a new, revamped and cuter version. I'm jealous. But whatevers. *sheepish grins*

Ok so now I'm on House's Soundtrack. Gotta find more tracks from season 4 and 5. I love, somehow the music is soo different but definitely something I will never ever get tired of. Hee hee, that's most important.

And on Defiance, if you have a chance, do go and watch it. To marvel at the human spirit, the courage and faith to do the otherwise, then to just sit and await death. Its living out loud, "better to die trying than to die not trying at all". So yeap yeap, a movie that kind of jolted me by throwing me "what on earth are you living for". Daniel Craig as usual, being the oh so cute him (yes i'm being a girly girl), loveee it. I must say i was quite emotionally sucked into that show. So into it, bleah.

Oh and a passing thought, i just got myself another interview tomorrow morning. As random as getting a call at 930 at night just now, having a little chat and its some camp coordinator position. So kids and fun will be part of the entire thing. Just see how it goes, for now that's about it.

Time to head to my room and groove to house's soundtrack. Nite people.

COLDPLAY 2009 VIVA LA VIDA CONCERT

2009-03-24T01:48:00.004+08:00

Awesome day it has been today. 23.03.09 - It is Min Jong oppa's birthday. (Happy Birthday!) But a more felt note would have been my beloved, favourite band, right in front of me. To just be in the stadium today, was something to be thankful for. I wasn't that late, the opening act by whom I don't know, really wasn't that yummy, but when THEY came on, my goodness, we all went mad.

Thumbs up for an awesome crowd, sure we had fun singing along to nearly all the songs and especially to "Life in Technicolor II" to the WHOO OOO OOOOs, and especially during the encore. To get them out, the entire stadium was singing pitch perfect whoo oo oos. Darn good feeling, "Fix You" was pulsating, "Viva La Vida" was deafening, "The Scientist" moved me. Chris Martin being the usual him, especially chatty tonight and cutely hilarious. Will whacked the drums real hard, Guy looks quiet and reserved but course stunning with his new hair, Jonny with his signature riffs and overlays. Chris, thumping through the keys and strumming through the guitar. He actually took the guitar off his shoulders, and just threw it to the ground. I went "OMGOODNESS" but then again, how much does the guitar costs to them? Peanuts really, so its like a martin was just thrown to the floor. AHAHA.

Its better than "X and Y" in comparison to better stage presence, with their lovely do ups of lightings, pictures shown over the sceen, camera angles, and the ballish projector screens =) Which was during the previous concert that I fell in love with Coldplay, and the rest is history. They do real well live, and Chris makes me wanna go play the keys. All I can say this band is a bunch of brillants, both academically and musically. Will sings backup real well =D I only realised his voice during "Fix You" mv, years ago, that i realised the entire band actually does sing accompanying vocals.

It will be a day I'll remember, for such a fun time, especially during the "Mexican wave" with our mobile phones, and singing along sessions. The crowd was just awesome and Coldplay just lived it up. No one was sitting.

And yes, the wallpaper and pictures posted, are taken entirely by me. For keep sake's purposes. Thank you Coldplay, for such an awesome time! And a great crowd and for the Dubby, who paid half of the tixs. ahahhaa! Hope all who were present had a jolly merry good time.

thank you thank you.

2009-03-16T01:12:00.002+08:00

A million thank yous. So many things to be thankful about.

1. That everyone had a great time at the Barrage and it went on without a hitch! Cause someone led it (winks winks) Great job and a great team backing the leader up. AHHAHA.

2. I met ALBERT! Again, this time its time no2. On our way home, just being able to share his vision, when these ppl just run towards their goal. He's doing architecture and when he talks about it, you just sense the love. My respect and kudos, i'm learning =) Press on!

3. Talk session with Uncle Julai / July. A figure of musician that I respect alot in church next to Uncle Tony. A man of such love for music, who lives for music, and cause of music, lives today (course with God's blessings and grace poured out upon him). Sharing his stories and past and experiences, was very fun. Especially the music taming a beast story. I'll remember it in a livetime.

4. Uncle Tony's cute session yesterday, from dinner, to the talk, his simple wisdom, I respect and give kudos, to his prayers. Thank you Uncle Tony =)

For all I can say of, is having a brush with all these passionate people, inspires me. Few hours time I'm going back to my much dreaded part of circuit. Somehow I just seem to clam up everytime I get in, I can do it, yes. But i don't know somehow I just get quite clammy when i think of circuit. Sigh, oh Lord, get me through man, just end this misery of circuits. And just be gone! Be done and get that license. sighs.

Its been a lovely time with all of you, the young people, worship, and a share of older wiser men, of Uncle Julai and Uncle Tony. And the after time with Keith, Timothy, Andrew, Alvin, DT, Chass, Pei Lin, CS is fun thanks to teaming up with all these people. =D

And shopping, walking around with Chass + Pei Lin.

rest rest rest!

2009-03-10T21:22:00.003+08:00

It has so far been a lovely day today just resting. Yesterday was just merely spent orientating myself with my new toy, known as the HTC Touch 3G. Its a pretty baby, and yes, I love it, and I got it at a steal. =) Received pay and this is what I do to reward myself, and its quite a novelty really. Quite suprised at myself that I got a touch screen phone, cause I was quite keen on buttons in a sense, but not wanting to use the typical symbian interface. Not a fan of the iphone, nokia e71 seems fitting, but nope, ahaha i'm just not into Nokia. And hence, the decision with the HTC.

So yesterday was spent inputting softwares into the phone, its a little riced, with a new dial skin and contact book, that works like how the iphone works. Its quite fun really just finding applications for it.

Apart from that, today was just spent with the Dubby, we were just chatting last nite. Then lunch and tv today, its lovely to see how he has come to make decisions, very pleasant suprise no doubt! =D I thought it was gonna take a while but suprisingly no, so today was just a quiet day, enjoying each other's presence, watching an episode of House S5, on AXN, since i was simply too lazy to set up the comp to output it out on the bravia. Nonetheless, it was a good day, bringing lassie for a walk, while i was walking him to the bus stop as he booked into camp. Then showering lassie (cause she stanked), she's so adorable! How when I was soaping her, I was just looking into her eyes and she was just looking into mine! Those cute moments, sigh. Very lovely, to tell Lassie, she's been loved!

So here I am on my bed, looking at my emails, I've just got an interview on Wednesday, so lets just wait and see. Wondering if I should send more resumes out, I think I should but i'm just lying on my back. Check out the bruise on my leg that has grown into islands, and seriously looks like I've been abused. AHAHAHA. For the record, its the biggest bruise growing this big. All thanks to having really high steps at the EUNOS BUS INTERCHANGE, and I was just walking down the bus steps, missing the high steps, thinking it was a flat land (Like Bukit Merah Interchange), and the headphones on my head just plopped onto the floor due to the impact. And I went "OHHH MY GOD" not cause I fell, but cause my lovely headphones fell to the floor. Brushed myself up, picked my headphones up, and there was a couple staring at me. AHAHAH. It must have been a funny scene, but yeah. Its horrid, cuts and bruises and now.. The bruise have just seemed to grow. Have no idea if its supposed to have gotten better, or for the worse, but lets wait and watch. How fun!

So for now, its quite a limpy me.

what a day

2009-03-03T23:22:00.002+08:00

i am proud to have got myself connected to the internet on my psp. that the device works only on wireless b. now i realise why keith said it was fun blogging on this. i'm doing this now all cause working on my comp now reminds me of being at work. typing on it just makes me feel i'm not at home, and sure enough to add a variation to my rest time after work to unwind. I cannot imagine just returning home after work to just eat, sleep and watch tv. Like now, unwinding with The Carpenters.

Day 1, Day 1, Start Over Again

2009-02-18T22:41:00.003+08:00

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one, day one
Start over again
Step one, step one
I'm barely making sense

That is from Alanis Morissette - Not As We. Well unwinding from a day's of work. My epic first day at work, can't say anything more, apart from I'm getting used to it.

- Getting used to waking up, travelling once more again, taking me bout an hour and 15 mins to work.

- Having lunch, and by mid day, I've been working for nearly half a day or something, and look forward till the end of the day.

- Interacting with people and to meeting people's requests daily, work wise, and everyday, pray for favour and grace so as not to step on anyone's toes. We're all happy people that way!

- Turning off the comp, looking at the time, packing up, hoping there's no OT for the day and work for the weekends.

- Love heading back home, cause somehow it always feels so fast then when you head off to work. Looking at people, working adults, men, women, child, kids, teenagers, students. Reading a book NOW! As and when. Its still on John G Lake for now.

- Enjoying my never ending playlists on my ipod. Will try to be good and listen to Bill Johnson. Since i've been unwinding to Khalil today on my way home, then James Morrison.

- Take off your shoes, stretch your legs on the table, watch some tv, eat some dinner, interaction with mom.

- Skip 100 times, so as to keep some heart pumping fast, to make sure i'm alive, and pant to feel tired and get some adreline pumping, i'm far too larthegic.

- Ending a day like that just with a sleep isn't satisfying, i'm doing everything else, i love, before i repeat the cycle tomorrow again.

You have to have some variations daily, before this never ending cycle starts sapping you up, and you start wonder what on earth are you doing it for. Thank God for music, lovely head phones, an okay day, nice people of in charge and boss so far =) I've got a lunch treat from boss today.

And I have to add, I don't feel foreign in my new job. Despite it being all the way at Punggol, for one thing I have learnt to take and appreciate, is the lush greeneries that is available, and the sea and yachts, (its at Marina Country Club), i'm reminded of His presence daily when I walk abit farther out. Most importantly, it reminded me of Telunas. Its a very nostalgic feel despite the place being my first time there. Its very rustic and quiet, away from the busy, hussle and bustles of the city. Takes awhile to get used to!

The office condition in it shifting towards the warehouse area of the country club, totally reminds me of Dad's first office at Henderson. Funnily, I was there yesterday, for an interview, nearby. And going from Sengkang down to Henderson - I relived memories of both TP days to Henderson days. All in a day while walking and getting by from one place to another.

So here I am today, writing another new page of memories and history. Today's happenings become tomorrow's histories. Things have changed, buildings have changed their colours, offices have changed, tenants move in and out.

With so many happenings, I'm just happy reliving both past, present and awaiting the future to unfold. Going through today, made me think, "I wonder how long of this can I take". And I'm reminded that work really isn't a race of speed to the finish, but a long test of persistance, patience, stamina. Pacing myself so as not to get burnt out and to meet whatever's been asked to.

I realised one thing today, i'm such a coporate kind and pattern of designer, i'm learning how to design more child like, happy, sporty, looking things. Its a challenge, but lets have some fun. And i realised the complexities of it, i used to think it was THAT easy, but realised it really isn't. AHaHHAA! I need to learn from those people who designs for kids! Meeting functionality yet to the needs of children.

And I must complain, the new microsoft mouse, they have sliced the WIRE TO BEING SO SHORT. Left handers have a problem you know. Grr. Time to do some reading and head off to bed.

I'm thankful office attire tends to be casual, so jeans and sneakers can head in. Steve was saying if I came in heels and skirt, he probably wouldn't have hired me. LOL! And I arrive @ 10am @ Punggol, grab a shuttle service. Learning along, bbashiya!

WOW.

2009-02-17T01:12:00.002+08:00

While looking at the blog, I saw 5 comments, and out of the it, 2 were left by the writer of "sweet tapioca porridge". It was quite a wowing sensation for a moment, and I hope Andrew does get encouraged by the good reviews and many good memories and feelings it has left among the many viewers of the show!

Apart from that, today has been a day strangely, of non-stop sleeping. Not sure if its supposedly to be the way it is, but it had been the same last week too. Whereby my monday was spent, just laying on the bed and resting, as though I was that burnt out or something. But last week I could have understood, it was quite a tiring one. This week, seemed normal! But i'm just letting myself rest, woke up in the morning at 9am on the dot, to book my seats for Coldplay's - Viva La Vida.

The first concert I'm paying for it (half of it to be exact) heh heh. So its quite an experience going through the system payment, which annoyed me, that I realised the name that I was supposed to key in, was case sensitive. pffts. The lovely person offering to subsidise my ticket price, is not other than the Dubby. Muahaha, its my valentine's day gift. He got a wallet. Tadah.

I'm sure its gonna be some of an experience after going for the 06' X and Y one. I guess that'll be it, gonna head off and continue reading John G Lake.

And with two interviews lined up later today, hopefully my energy levels will rise. Its been a larthegic monday! Thank You Pei Lin! Kudos to her for her introduction, however its gonna go, i'm still trusting, it'll be something according to His plans. Though somewhere in my heart, its aching to go for the design one. How funny. Bless your week ahead ya alls!

Sweet Tapioca Porridge

2009-02-11T00:17:00.003+08:00

(Alittle bit of print screening, going through lengths to get this image, THERE!)

Yay, I must say how much I enjoyed this SHOW! Good grade local production, and while googling just now, I have already read 2 favourable reviews on this show. Not too sure if guys do warm up to this idea, but i'm sure it captures the hearts of the female viewers! It made my day, gushing at Darren Lim. Ahaha, somehow I think he gives me the resemblance of Tony Leung Chiu Wai. It could be due to the quiet nature or his protrayal, the silent type but yet still retaining their own set of charisma. My localised version of Tong Leung =D (I liked him for a long time, and i was like WOW-ing when he and Evelyn got married, it was such a fairy tale, and a match make in heaven so to speak) ^^ And he was soo cute in the show! HAHAHA. TOOT TOOT - DORKY guys are ever so cute.

It would have been lovelier to have my teevee partner with me, where we both rot in front of the tv, just sapping up shows. (Don't think he ever enjoys these shows as me, but he wouldn't mind accompanying me) - But that's not the point! HAAHHAA. He probably enjoys watching HOUSE together most. GAH. =)

Oh wells, once in a while, these simple stories and productions tug the heart strings of your heart, and reminds us of the beauty and the simplicity of what LOVE should be, could be like. Yes, it could be highly unlikely in modern day living, but to the whoevers who still believes in the simplicity of these love stories and is living in one, keep it going man.

To the white hairs and hand holding sessions on park benches and strolls on beaches, to the sharing of earphones on the buses, to the little support when getting on and off the buses. They are one of the sweetest fixtures around and commands the envy of many, and i the respect of mine.

To those who missed the show, OH THANK GOD, they have an encore version of it THIS SUNDAY. HAH! I love the opening titles, the music, the panning and the angles of the capturing of the scenes. Its really good :) More of these please? I'm in love with the style of filming, the music that goes along with the movie, and cute 2 leads, and a simple storyline, to watch it unfold, is quite some magic. (It would have been better without the ads in between, but then again, its called FREE TO AIR TV for a reason) - :)

Meanwhile, its been a funny day doing covers with Joyce, recording on her camera. I wonder if its already been loaded up? AHAHAHA. HILARIOUS. But it was a great time! Thank yous! Off to my audio techs and ipods once again. Sifting through those playlists that differs so much from time to time.

Now that the Dubby has reminded me, yes, it is time to go back and listen to some chinese tunes. =) Wassup with his recent infastuation with LEE HOM and KHALIL? LOL. They're MINE! =D

Finally, hush hush.

2009-02-05T02:48:00.003+08:00

Hmm, i'm actually feeling kind of hungry now, and images of instant noodles soup floods my mind. Funny how you can actually tune your body to think of a particular something when it is triggered.

Am listening to Coldplay's other half of the album, Prospekts March, and Lost with Jay-Z is quite a waste talent, its amusing to say how rap can go on with Coldplay, but no, i'm still used to the way Coldplay is, alone.

So here goes, a new Bill Johnson pic added to the side, just a random thought of "the influential", apart from Obama, I should put him there. Bill's more influence than the other, since its quite a daily affair for me.

And yes, I've finally got a time to sit and chill, on this quiet night, at 3am in the morning, with total silence around the house and around the area. Dead still, with my feelings too, the anxiety's over in my hunt or would you say in my quest for my first... JOB. (as in work) or as in JOB in the bible? Ahaha, kidding, but yes. I'm still in my hunt, and there's no choice of giving up. You just head on and keep hitting the send button till a reply hits, and the rest pretty much hinges on people's choices.

Looking around, after being for 2 job positions, that spanned out to 3 interviews each, has gotten me to a state of ever wondering are you ever good enough, that up till the last decision making process, someone chooses over the other suitable candidate than you? I start to think, and ponder why I haven't or never been on the spirit of excellence. I'm always someone who's there but not yet totally there yet. Never took the time off or the discipline to hone something or put into use of more, something you've really learnt, that you ace and become a pro in something.

In so many things I can think of at random, I start to ask myself why on earth did I not pursue what my heart's desire were, that in the face of rejection did I not try and take an alternative route to be daring and courageous enough to pursue design at NAPFA or Laselle. Somehow, it never seemed to occur to me, till I was asked at the recent interview. Good question. Do i realise I can get so tunnel visioned and never seemed to try an alternative route to things or in dealing with things.

But the fundemental part, was that I lacked belief, faith and hope to have the thoughts to see me through. Afterall, my love for design probably was merely in its embroyonic state. To have come thus far so far, I must say I myself am amused and amazed to that someone bothered to look into that portfoliio i've got. I giggle and laugh, that passing thought that once crossed my mind, was heard and has come true. Not too sure if its entirely completed or there is still more to come, but I do thank God for what so ever progress so far.

That through this period, I realised I've learnt and lost somethings and I do have to take note. Some bad habits that have developed known as the maintaining of eye contact, something that I used to love to observe to watch of late, (I don't know since when), I've lost the knack of it. Till I received feedback and ah, realised. But its ok, guess you learn and take and make extra efforts in maintaining eye contact. (I must have placed too much emphasis on everything else, called the skies, roads, things ahead of me, i forgot bout the things staring right into my face) Amusing note. *noted*

Meanwhile, I'm still awaiting and have just sent out another 2 resumes and I remembered what Chass said to me. Yes, He'll have that perfect one ready for you. So yes I'm waiting and meanwhile, its alot of music, ipod and books daily for my company, and who could forget, my lovely stuffed toys around me for that added smile and hug.

Some things are better left unsaid

2009-01-28T23:44:00.007+08:00

In times when you're being tested in terms of your character, how will you ever react? I was so close to least retaliating through the raising of my voice, but all that ever came out, was a firm voice that stood my opinions, ideas, and feelings.

Today would have been a lovely day, one whereby I give my thanks and head to sleep smiling, suffice for me to just enjoy whatever the day has taken me to. Only to be greeted with a bunch of totally uncalled for remarks and maligns and labels and words used that really wasn't the nicest to describe things.

Pulling someone I call i love into the picture was not needed, as if there were any plans in me going for my further studies, wouldn't be any other areas for now, unless probably theological. My mind is empty for all that it is for now, and he was throwing home his point, with his voice raised, "you should never stop your studies.." Going on and on and blaming every distraction that seemed to be.

I think i've been insulted today to a sense, that I'm wondering which part of me ever look like I switch and change my partners as frequently as I change my underwears. For this entire ridiculous conversation, it didn't make any bit of sense, cause it was clear nothing that I ever was gonna say, was ever gonna be heard.

And hence, I'm not feeling any sense of sadness or bitterness but more of which i'm trying to make sense of what in the world has just happened, which has caught me totally off guarded. I merely just left my door open, and THIS happened. You wonder if you ever made the right choice of leaving it open.

Flabbergasted, and left totally clueless. So much so to my lovely quiet nights of just wanting to get on with the devotions part. Just great. Neither am I sure which way I should be feeling right now, cause I'm totally left hanging in mid air. How very amusing is this.

Time to sleep real soon, and get changed into my PJs is all I can ever do for myself.

Ouh, and meeting CLEMENT SEE on facebook, after all these years is a pleasant suprise! Thank you God =D Let me see, its been some good 8-9 years, and we only met once, and the next time is like, NOW. AHAHA =) Time to sleep joyce. Nites.

the NIU year.

2009-01-25T00:42:00.003+08:00

Its the new year and since last year i guess, new year has pretty much COMPLETELY lost its meaning and as I grow even older, the only thing I look forward to is cause of my mom's awesome and fabulous cooking.

its quite sad that festivities loses its meaning after a while, and i've come to realise that the Chinese New Year is pretty much a custom and tradition done in respect of our elders and seniors and relatives around us. It gives people a reason to make time and gather, and as the years go by, I realise truth sheds a light onto the hearts and intents of people's.

If the family is one whose hearts are as one, pretty much, even with the dismiss or the passing of the elders, they will meet up together, (sort of in memory of them) or simply, as a real get together time.

Its disheartening when new year regular meet ups that was done as a child, no longer has much traditions and meanings like it used to be. But I can only take heart, and be thankful that in Christ, there's this bunch of SIAO KIAS, ahaha who meet as and whenevers, and enjoy the time just hanging out together and never wanna say goodbye, and just look forward to the next day where we could all be together kind of thing?

Not saying my other friends aren't fun to be with, but most of them I know are into the regular vistings and having funs. Maybe I should be malay and it would be more fun, cause they visit their friends houses too!

Oh wells just a thought or two, and yes, sitting on Tushan's car, makes me wanna drive (WHEN AM I GONNA PASS!!! LEMME PASS!). And he has just tempted me to look into getting an Omega. He makes it look young, and not so old. And Martin is just ever so fun and Commando always is so tired and quiet!

Thank God for all these people lah. Everyone of you, meanwhile, have an awesome new year, even though mine isn't that awesome, doesn't mean I can't wish you to have one! God bless!

MR PRESIDENT, BARACK OBAMA

2009-01-21T13:56:00.004+08:00

Whahaha, HOPE FLOATS, HOPE NEVER FAILS. Oh I'm just so excited to see what is gonna happen. Gotta make a post on this isn't it, and yes PRINT SCREENS. I could only took these few screen shots before the facebook buffering on CNN went haywire. Gah, thank God for the Channel News Asia coverage and also for PRINT SCREENS function. Tee hee, people should do and vote for the cutest or most charming president. Barack definitely comes up tops, but the India's prime minister guy, also quite charming, cause his ang moh, mixed indian. Sigh.

and a wallpaper to commerate it. Sigh.

In times like these...

2009-01-20T14:03:00.002+08:00

I sink into Coldplay mode, and get lost in the melodies that they produce that leaves me hanging, drifting or afloat in this space they create. With Chris Martin's voice and probably Will's in the background as backup vocals from time to time, and the piano thumping, with the bass and drums and guitars, it creates this spacey feel or a far more acoustic and full of emotions full load of songs, gets your emotions and thoughts running, makes you feel, Alive.

"The Scientist" never fails to intrigue me and continue to give me a new perspective to the song every time when I'm moody or down, when it goes

"Nobody said it was easy, no one ever said it would be so hard
I'm going back to the stars"

Makes me grin and dream about myself just laying down on the lush greeneries, (or on the floor, on the mattress, just staring out into the skies) and be amused at what situations make out of you, and how you choose to react to them.

Coldplay is not lovely when you're in a mess, the music makes you end up in more of a whirl than you are currently, but its lovely when you're bored, or just having another afternoon, turn them on, and tee hee, i'm in love (course with the band). Its one of the bands that keeps me consistantly listening to them over and over again as and whenever.

I'm yes, pretty much feeling being hung in mid air, still waiting and looking at where am i ever gonna be dropped or placed. Feeling bit under the weather or could be already sick (but i doubt it) ahaha, my body's feeling sick but the mind's all alert and telling the body "no you're not", so yes, i'm pretty much stuck in the centre. Maybe I don't wanna fall sick, but my body's telling it "get ready" ahhaha. Its pretty comical, and I woke up this morning nearing 11am, thinking that Barack Obama's inauguration is like NOW, and I didn't wanna miss the moment and his rah rah speeches. Only to flip through CNN and learn its later tonight in the next 12 hours an 11pm. Gee, its ridiculous.

Oh and I had a dream, that my Cort had its side peeled (like orange peel) and it had dinks and dents on it. T.T I was so upset I went online to look for quick remedies but apparently, there wasn't one. It ended up in its horrid state cause of the many people wanting a go at it, that includes Carol, Jinyi and their Dad?!! Best of it all, they were playing to Bread - Aubrey and their dad and Carol knew how to play the song and took a take at the song, and when it was Jinyi's turn, she went "i don't know how to play!" and the rest nearly went into a state of "HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW". Totally absurd and strange dream, that made me wonder when I was having my lunch, "is my cort ok?", that I had to reassure myself, "it is a dream". And when I had my first spoonful of rice and said my grace, guility mode got switched on and i went "crap, i'm supposed to fast" and the next thoughts were, ok tomorrow? Gee, just running on what your mere emotions and body tells you, doesn't make you quite a sane and calm person that one should be.

But I found peace yesterday, when I took Lassie for a slow stroll with my Ipod and Audio Techs on, just enjoy what I love doing, staring at the blue skies and white clouds forming up, to feel all small again and grin and marvel at the softness and tranquility of the skies.

And i found reason in the things that I always tell people "you rest to walk a further distance in time to come" and "you're normal", i find myself suddenly in the roles reversed and I myself am reassuring myself that I'm alright and its okay to rest.

I guess my desire to get out of this house gets abit stronger, to lessen the probability of getting ranted at, with the less hours I stay at home and stare at my mom.

I'm still dreaming of my Canon DSLR, that in times like these, are the time I probably get to take attention of the most or the slightest details and have the mojo to take more stunning shots that the usual. The sound of the click and the vibrations that go into that body when you snap, and as you look through the viewfinder and see what you've found, is very thereupetic, and very desirable lah.

Tony Leung <3

2009-01-15T04:15:00.003+08:00

I have to put him up before I head to bed. Sigh. Heh, yes i was just done on my new wallpaper. I can't resist this defiant picture, full of attitude, with spunk, despite the mundane colours. Picture was plain, added in the fonts to spice things up. He cheered me up too, looking at him talk to things, in Chungkin Express. I wanna watch the show!! Gonna make a request. Heh heh.

Meanwhile, its listening to Min Jong oppa's "Beautiful Pain". Oops. =) Some things just doesn't change in me lah, and my loves. Super shiok on the Audio Technics. Faints* Time to sleep, and another new day awaits.

Yes, its Tony Leung fever for now.

sitting, waiting and wishing.

2009-01-14T19:24:00.004+08:00

After the super emotional post, here's one for the better (not that it is way better), but i guess for a sort of update, and to post my thoughts for a moment.

Life of late since the new year started has been busy rampaging through jobcentral in search of landing myself a permanent job. It isn't something that is super encouraging on a note of late with what the Straits Times posting, the economy, and with people telling it in your face, it isn't gonna be easy, yes it isn't easy, companies ain't hiring and all. Yes, i've heard.

To hit the icing on the cake, (not to deter any of you SIM people studying out there) - "I'm sorry but i have to be frank, your degree isn't as recognised as your diploma." AHAHA. You should have seen my giggling look on my face, OK when the recruit agent was telling me the news. Take it in a positive light, shrug it off and see what's next on the list. Which will mean so much so for my 1.5 years so far, ahaha by label I'm a university graduate but on the outside, i'm probably earning a diploma's pay.

Supposedly went down for 2 interviews on Monday, but i pressume as of now, I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to still be looking for more places to land my resume into the Human Resource Department's Inbox. I should have guessed when they go "I'll give you a call again" - You smile and say thank you, and make your graceful exit.

The endless search, every morning when I wake up, to remind myself (Oh dear me, get a job), the entire cycle repeats itself. With a daily twists of quiet time, Bill Johnson speaking to me, time singing on my guitar, coming up with more midi sounding soundtracks (I must have been playing too much of RPG when i'm a kid, i love those sounds!), texting the Dubby who's always so supportive daily, "you'll land yourself a job soon!", "how's the wait?", like my superior. Ahahaa, checking if I've done my work, no worries, I'm pretty much responsible!

Oh yes, and getting derailed in my search, I'll go dig out more information on some stars, and I've learnt a thing today, Donnie Yen can play the piano, and not just some random pop keyboard, he can play classical pieces like Chopin. POW! Respect for the man who's a jack of all trades, action choreographer, actor, pianist, daddy, husband, dancer, what have you. Its cool, always learning :)

Looking unto Tony Leung as usual after watching Red Cliff 2, sigh. He's so boyishly cute. Yes Jia Wei and Keith will laugh at me all day long for liking a near old man they call, but i don't care! How cute, can't stand that quiet smile and demeanor of his!

With the only consolation daily will be music, on the headphones that helps eases things alittle bit in this phase of mundaneness, i can't wait to get out. I never knew it was this hard! But yes, keep trying I guess, keep knocking your head against the wall, one day. Just one day, it'll break and the wall comes crumbling down and you'll be able to move on and make your way again. Life seriously, can be a cycle from time to time I feel. Holding on, hmmm. The second week of this job hunting life, I'll count till I land myself this job and wonder, WHAT ON EARTH TOOK YOU SO LONG. Ahaha, but till then, i'm still me ^^ Thank God for TIM! TIMOTHY HWANG, hee hee, love his smoothing and calming voice though I don't know a word he's singing (He's korean!)

I might just start running to get out of this mundane, sick, boring, repetitions I'm doing everyday. I need to be entertained. AHAHA. Sigh, enjoy and rejoice you students studying, it is a joy come to think of it now. (getting whiney).

and so a gazillion things to do to cheer my little self up,

1. Take self-shots =D

Heh heh, i actually just had a hair cut not too long, (don't worry, its not as short as the haircut i did when i was 14, it just looks shorter here LOL) - Some say nice, some say look like boy. So any case it is, you see for yourself lah. The hair will grow back! HAHAHA. Fresh look all over again, how fun!

2. Keep drawing smiley faces EVERYWHERE! AHAHAA. I did this when I was a kid, and i still do it till now, its so fun. Its called pouring light soya sauce into a bowl of plain porridge, and i giggle everytime I do it till today. It just looks so happy! Brightens up my day definitely ^^ (Maybe I should eat porridge daily?)

Time for my run now i guess. Boring!

the closest never EVER sees the sacrifices made.

2009-01-02T14:52:00.002+08:00

i will make this point known cause my blood is boiling and i'm fuming mad. I WAS having a great time enjoying my day's of break and things like these ALWAYS happens, (just when i thought everything was soo gonna be perfect).

and the mom will forever and ever be counting the dozens things i do outside and everywhere else, and make this claim that i treat and get myself more involved in everything else and treat the people out there better.

funny how i'm feeling this entire situation being reversed, when i was young i used to think the way she does NOW. i got tired of serving or trying to be that awesome person at home doing this and that for people and hence, took a change of environment and decided to serve school.

funny how many years of at least 7 years of service in my schools, you never said one thing, nor one comment, nor anything when i rose up to be called a prefect, or to a DHP. You never said a thing, and come by of the past 2-3 years, you point the finger back at me and say things like that of claiming me i'm treating the people out there better.

at times like that, i don't know what to say. i don't know how i can ever be said to be treating the other people better than i treating you. all i can say, i hear you, but i don't think you ever do really hear me.

at times like that, it gets discouraging. you never understand why i'm more insistant about the points i make - when you can easily make an appointment at your own pace and time and schdules, rather than me making it for you.

like Jessie said, impatient. Yes i think that's you, just impatient to listen. I was listening to you make your points, i made my points, we could have come to an agreement soon enough, but you decided to think you lost, and just left storming out right the door. Making some last comments that really wasn't needed.

Well i guess, if you really wanted me to help you then say the magic word "please". God, how you taught me that, but you never used it. How strange. Your please comes in the form of voice raised and storming out of the door.

Yeah you could go on "i will never need to beg people for help" but please isn't really begging, its just really making the point "please, i will love if you could do it".

Maybe i'm abit tired, i really didn't register in my head of "doing me a favour". Could help with the please. I could have gotten it i guess.

Ends up both getting upset, you getting angry as though i treated everyone better. I can't say a thing cause it feels i'm either defending myself or wanting my right of way, which i shall choose to just say, please leave the others out of this. It is not fair to them, deem anything you like i guess. If it makes you happy.

I dunnoe how come my personalised sketch of telunas and written card wasn't enough treatment that i treated you better. pffts.

i think you think i don't "argue" with them, but i do say my points before i go down to work. I guess you do have the perception error on me already, nothing i say is ever gonna work.

the point before you deviate, to everything i do, do not point it on anyone, i'm just doing my services back to God.

i think my services to you will be to let you do whatever you want, however you want it, whenever you want it to you, whether i like it or not, hard or soft.

that's how i derieve hard vs hard approach will never work. hard and soft works best, one will have to give in eventually. One will give the punch and the other will have to take the punch. Funny how she can't see that, when at the end of the day it doesn't matter what i do, she still has her way at the end of the day and still wins.

But she wouldn't claim it a victory unless its done all in her style and her way. She's a tough one. I give up and i'm heading to bed. So tired of these nonsense, how you can rant and scold all you ever want cause you see too much of me. And when you don't, you start missing, and when i come back to give you all those love and care and attention, you act cool. I give in to your coolness, i've tried, you don't want it, okay. And now this. Man, you need a man to cool you i think. God, do something? LOL. I'm off this case for now, taking a breather. You're just not easy and tiring. But again, what is love, if its painless.

Thank God for Charissa, Jessie, and the Dubby, the words of advices, i appreciate tons. And andrew, your santa song is hilarious, more please!

aloha

2008-12-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

i must be bored once again. Playing with keith's mobile blogging once more. Its quite fun to come to think of it. And i think i'll never need my laptop once again. Heh. But i wonder what will happen to gregory house. Its not too hard to be a bimbo after all blogging all day. Lol! I've got myself a new pair of huge audio techs for myself, in loving memory of my finishing of school. Turn up the music! Hanging out at the wong's household. In a room infested with males! There's gab, keith, bi, da, darius, clare. Ah

i must be bored

2008-12-05T14:51:00.000+08:00

i'm trying to be a real bimbo here blogging on keith's mobile. A e51 wifi at the hong kong's airport. Niftty stuff eh? Better than a free car wash connection? I'm not gonna be doing paragraphing cause this is a phone. I'm still waiting to check in and am surrounded by chinese originals. I've cleared my exams and am super grateful for god's providence. Continue later when i get back home.

UNCLE JAMIE!!!!

2008-11-29T01:16:00.002+08:00

To the bunch of 2E2's to Hendersonians, many of you will remember Third Place. Don't know how many of you do, but i still do. And i hold it closely to my heart, with the hours we spent in there, learning how to play pool from the boys, buy a can of root beer over the counter @ $1, then the lovely lightings and sofas and couches and the stage! The hang out and the place to chill after classes and, a place me and Janna went to mug during our O's HAHAHAH.

Its got a great sound system but pathetically, back then I just wasn't into music that much yet, couldn't play any instrument while i remembered uncle jamie playing the bass, teaching students the angles to the game of pool.

SOOOO MANY YEARS have gone by i still do remember Unlce Jamie, many a times when i pass by the place i do think about dropping in and catch how's the cool dude doing. But it seems like the place is either gone now i think. I still have his mobile phone number in my phone, ahhaha funnily.

So then today, this same man who hunged out with us was in a musical today. I was like "where have i seen this man?" For he seemed far too familar, his ascent, the way he stood, the hairdo. Then it dawned unto me, "uncle jamie!!!" ahahah, yes dudes, this guy sings with all the vibratos, and harmonises well with the rest of the crew in today's "The Promise". He made my jaw dropped in the opening 15 minutes, too impressed with him, i was like "eh when was he a presbyerian?" AHAHAHHA!

So mid way through the show i just texted him to test my luck if he still had the same number, which i didn't get a reply till i left the UCC ahah! And hold and behold, Aunty Chris + Gan paps knows him! This world seriously can't get any smaller and he's pretty closely related to gan-paps. Never expected to meet him face to face, but i just took the chance to just say hi.

"hi, did you any chance used to hang around at third place long time ago?"

"yes"

"uncle jamie?"

"YESS~"

Ahahahah, it was so comforting to know it was him and i'm sooo surpised he does remember my face. (The delinquent) LOL! Yeah with my strange hairdo he was saying and how i've grown up. Ahaha, feels so funny! It was such a small world honestly speaking but its good, just seeing him doing well after so long and still being the cool dude cause he hangs out easily with the young people still really well. 过然没有矢手.

So that was just today's entry and all i ever wanted to say, was meeting uncle jamie after so long! =) thankful for the chance to just say hi, and reliving those good old after school days. ahhh. if it could have changed a little, i just wished i was on the guitar earlier, and we could be singing all together, at the third place. Little campfire feel. Ahhh. Lovely, and i miss the good old school days. My geeky hair, my glasses, my big baggy skirt, big blouse, red tie, mushroom shoes, low low, jack wolfskin backpack, worn real low to my butt. Taking 176 daily, it was only yesterday. Grr. =)

Leaving for Hong Kong, Janna was so sweet to have text. Gonna have fun like what Jacob says :) I'll miss you, silly ASSORTED DONUTS. Ahahha, looking at Grebit makes me think of you all the time.

And Jacob asked a very good question "why you so shy talking bout him?". Ahaha, i'm shy, cause its just him, and yah. Him lo, the one that makes me blush. Its embarrassing really, as in talking bout him will make me blush =X I don't know why, so i'll try to act really cool bout it, but i'm blushing all over. AHAHHA, so no one will really catch me in the act? LIke get him talked over done quickly, just showing all the left over expressions just really makes me wanna hide my face. I look silly! heh. So pretending you don't care really is the best cover. ahahaha!

Really like a 16 year old in love. Yeah, i guess somethings never change!

blessed.

2008-11-25T00:45:00.004+08:00

ok meanwhile while i upload some old pictures on facebook (i'm too free) ahahaa, and since the upload function was pretty useful.

just being quiet now, after spending a massive weekend (weekends have been so much more happening as compared to my weekdays). With Burning Bush on Friday, Sharity Preparations on Saturday, Sunday was the real thing on Sharity.

Its been a blast on Saturday, was so much fun, jamming with shaun + chass + vin + myself. Its the most memorable times, with 4 acoustic guitars, just worshipping God. Sensing God's presence in our midst as we lifted our praises and voices. The harmony, the combination was such a blast, and such a pleasant, sweet tone that was so God-high, you could feel and touch God. Thank You Jesus!

To have more of those sessions would be a plus plus plus. And the sharity session on Sunday, ahaha, i look so CHUI in the pictures, but i was seriously tired but it was worth every bit of concentration, playing and pressing of frets.

For all the music that was played, I just was thankful of being able to sense God's presence and peace once again, something so subtle yet so important to me. Then the night was spent at Chass's place, muahhaha, doing a cover, in front of her macbook. It really makes a mac so desirable, thinking of all the usage it has =)

Then spent the night at a room of my own, spending some time quietly reading the word of the Lord, just enjoying the windy breeze coming from the windows, really lovely, and chit chatting with the girls! It was really fun.

And finally today! Pure nua-ing with Sam at Chass's place. Ahaha, with meals and showers and tv and internet all provided. We just slacked with the owner of the house out. Playing Wii and yay, look at the Mii character I came out with, while Sam helped pointed the control to the screen (i honestly can't do that, like the controller doesn't respond to me? =/ ) Heh.

Shaun came too! Had teochew muay together, (oh my favourite) which is real yummy and fun, just sharing a table and having a meal together, with coffee treat later and chit chats again. Its been really lovely! With Shaun's antics. Its like seriously hilarious!

And a pic of the beloved Pooh bear =D